Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Hard Life, Beautiful Husband

I hardly know where to start and how not to type out 1,000,000 uninteresting details that nobody will care about - or maybe they will, I don't know - anywho I guess fellow bloggers understand - we have a LOT to say, like all the time, and to not write for 3 months where we would normaly write at least 5 times a week - and to try to pick up and recap - is impossible. And I have forgotten how to use punctuation. Ah well I'm just gonna lump this crap out here, yall sort it out, you wouldn't come here if you thought I was perfect anyways.

Coming up to Christmas so far away from home, our money either spent or stolen the world beating us down like sad dogs at EVERY TURN (it's probably a good thing I couldn't blog for this would have been a sad depressing doomsday blog for a few months and you all would want to either cry or slap me) Christmas just was NOT looking apealing. At all. Zero. Like for real I was just not going to celebrate.

BUT I have my husband and my family and they came through like I'd never have imagined. One day about a week and a half before Christmas I came home from my job - depressed that I hated my job sooo incredibly much - I opened our front door and saw that Chino had drug out my Christmas decorations and piled them in a heap infront of the lil Christmas tree I've used for years now. He had mearly took the tree out of the storage box and propped it up, bent in 20 directions and bed-head looking from being crammed in a too small box for the last year. :P I'm not one for lovingly putting away Christmas decortations 3 weeks after I should have already :P Anyways, he propped it up all comic and sad wrote on a peice of paper "Chaqita Help Me" and stabbed the papper with one of the wire branches.

:) I'll never forget the sight :)

Thursday, December 4, 2008


YAAAAAAYYY!!!!!!! I can pay my car insurance and buy a hot water heater and INTERNET !!!!! Yaaaaaayyyyy!!!!!!!

Speaking of the hot water heater - OMG - C. said that a lot of people here don't have them, that it's usually so hot that the water that comes out of the ground is quite warm enough for showers. When I first got here he was right, the water was just warm enough to be nice and refreshing - BUT. But now it's getting down into the 50's and or colder at night, and unless it gets up to 85 the next day and stays there - the water is COLD !!! This past Sunday we went all stone age and actually heated water on our stove, put it in a bucket with colder water and did our thang in the shower.

Too funny, we moved into a much nicer house here than in MI and I'm taking a shower out of a bucket. LOL oh well I came from the boondocks, I'm cool with improvising. BUT !! Now that I've got a job we should be able to get a water heater in a couple of weeks. OH hooorraaaaayyyyy!!!

And Internet?? Did I mention that????? :)

OK, so the job. Um. LOL it's not exactly what I wanted but for right now it's cash and I'm ok with that.

It's a collection agency. . . . . . Do I hear Booo'ing??? Stop it ! OMG a collection agency, I KNOW !!! AAAHHHHHH!!!!!! But like I said, it's money. Oh lordy the interviewer told me there are several different areas of collection - one of them being mortgages. Please god don't give me THAT account !! I'll be fired in no time considering people have all but stopped paying mortgages in this country. Agggg.

Anywhoo, in about an hour I have another interview with a Customer Service center that works for Sprint. It's slightly more desirable than the collections place I think, but we'll see how they pay and what hours are offered. (and if they offer me a job too :P). Considering the kind of work it is I think they might but we'll see.

In the meantime I'll still keep looking for a nicer job but right now I'm just thankful to work.

Heavens to betsy I gotta run !! Wish me luck ! :)

Friday, November 28, 2008

Very Pissed Rant - AND a happy note.

I put in an aplication and resume at a place last week - they called me a few days later and asked that I come in for an interview. YES ! I was excited, even excited the day of the interview when they called me 30 minutes beforehand to tell me that it was off. Very important office meeting popped up and no time for interviews but I could come in the next day. I said it was no problem at all - although I DID have to drop C. off at the bus station an hour before I would normaly TAKE him to work to make the appointment and you know, I had already speant my 70 minutes at the border crossing and was paid up and crossed and only about 10 minutes away. (no I didn't tell her that :P) But ok, I understand.

So, the next day comes, the interview happens and it is explained to me that it's a 3 interview process - my my ! Well, 3 interviews IF I'm one of the 6 chosen from the first 20 and then one of the 4 chosen from the 6 - my very own little reality show. Blah blah anyways I'm chosen for a second interview and that was today. I went in for my second interview at 10 a.m. and they told me that there were only 5 of us and that they would forgo the 3rd meeting and make a decision today. YAY !! SOOOO I thought the interview went quite well and one of the interviewers told me that they would make the decision this afternoon and I would receive a call around 3:00 - 3:30 to tell me either way. Okay, great ! Actually he told me he would call me like THREE TIMES.

And. And now it's 4:18 and yeah I know it's only an hour or half hour late but, but, OH BUT COME ON! This is serious business people! This is my LIFE here and DAG GUMMIT I NEED TO KNOW IF I GOT THE JOB!!. ACK ! Do I even WANT to work for such rude people? Yeah yeah I know, important buisiness probably "came up" but geez. Geez and dang and CRAAAAAAAAAAP.

UPDATE --- (It's the next day) Yeeeaaahhh 4:30 came and went as well as all last night and this morning - they NEVER called. How unimaginably rude, I mean REALLY? FUCK YOU ASSHOLES !!!!! JERK OFF SONS OF WHORES !! Dirty whores. With syphillus.

LOL my Mom said this morning "It's not like it was a bad DATE, they should have called you." AHAHAHAHAH My Momma is funny ! :P

A Neighbor Friend !!!!!!!

EEEEEEE!!!!! I was scrapping the paint off of our iron gates yesterday when a neighbor lady from two houses down came to introduce herself and say HELLO to me !!! YYYAAAAYYY !!!!!! I can't tell you how dang THRILLED I was ! Granted, she didn't speak a lick of english but I had enough cave-man spanish to get us at least a little aquainted. She came with a SMILE and a handshake and I was so damn happy !! I think we should KNOW our neighbors, not neccesarily be best friends but it's rude to live feet from them and not know they're names damn it. It's just polite. Neighborly!

I've been WANTING to introduce myself to the neighbors but that whole language barrier thing is a bitch sometimes. Anyways she told me that if I ever need anything or need help that she is just two houses down. OH !! How kind !! I told her the same thing back and we talked about her kids and then she went back home.

I promptly went to the task of baking some cookies so I could take them to her later to say thank you. I delivered the cookies later on and she was asleep but her son was there. He's 11 and speaks better english than I do and gave her the message. Later on she kindly came back to give me the plate.  No talk this time but there's always tomorrow!  :)

Friday, November 21, 2008

Reasons Why Someone In Texas Should Give Me A Job

Because I need to buy a digital camera (my 3rd one in a year, I've got to stop killing these things) For I NEED to show you guys what I'm SEEING every day! Yesterday on the way to pick up C. there was a man riding down the street all cowboy'd out on his horse. For real, people ride horses down the same streets that 18 wheelers drive down and it's crazy to see.

I need to show you my HAIR that I tried to dye back to it's natural color after my red-faze - because it took the dye WAAAYYYY to seriously and now I look like I tried to dye my hair to look like a mexicans natural hair and I'm really fair skinned and I look like one 0f those old italian guys that just won't-give-it-up and still puts shoe polish in his hair to keep it greasy and black. My gawd I can't wear half of my clothes because the color clash is just too weird. Heaven help my hair.

And I need to SHOW YOU MEXICO - you need to see the insane streets with pot-holes the size of beach balls and swimming pools and then the speed bumps here that are so high that you get altitude sickness driving over them before you crash back down on the frame of your car.

OMG OMG and the construction site that lead my lane of traffic into ONCOMING traffic yesterday with the use of 4 orange cones and NO WARNING AT ALL to the oncoming people who all of a sudden had a wall of cars thrown at them for no apparent reason without notice and the pissed off looks on their faces because they thought it was crazy people (crazy white girl!) just driving the wrong way on a one-way. (I guess I can't capture the sound of car horns and me saying "holyshitholyshit-FOR REAL???" outloud by myself)

And you need to see the food and the people and my gaaawwdd the wonderful women here that wear 90% of their clothing 3 sizes too small at ALL times. I love these women they make my day nearly every day.

Ok so a camera is ONE reason but there's more but I'm running out of battery and I gotta go fax some applications. (sort of can't GET a job without applying :P)

Wish me luck so I can buy a camera!! (ok and food :P)

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

So You Know I Miss You Right??

I don't want to get internet in our house until I've got a job - prudent and all that.

(But I MISS you Blog-Pals!!)

I've been job hunting like a crazy person 5 days a week.

(Omg I seriously miss reading your blogs every day!!)

My dog got for real sick and almost kicked the bucket and I had to GIVE HER SHOTS and watch her like crazy and hand-feed and make sure she DIDN'T kick the bucket.

(and dag gummit it would have been nice to WRITE about it here while it was happening)

C. got bronchitis about a week and some days ago, I came down with the FLU about 5 days ago - HA !! So much for job hunting THIS week ! - AAAANNNDDDD my dog came up with this big weird gaping wound on her leg that seems to be spreading a couple of days ago.

So. (aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh)

There's all of that. I haven't been over to Tx to call any of my family because I've been too sick (hi family! I'm alive!)

Enough, enough, I'm sure you can see my blog pals - the ones I love to read and love to have visit me here that it's been a little nuts and computer time has been all but impossible - BUT - but I DO miss it and I WILL get back into it - just as soon as I can.

I hate it when my favorite bloggers take days or weeks (ahem - months) off and it always seems like even if they DO return it doesn't seem to be the same, or I've moved on to someone else that interests me. But it happens and I understand and hope you all understand.

I miss you, I miss my family, I miss so much - but just like everything else, when things get settled down I'll be in touch again.

Until then - (aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh)


Thursday, November 13, 2008

SONS OF BITCHES RANT - And a happy ending

I put in an application and resume at a place last week - they called me a few days later and asked that I come in for an interview. YES ! I was excited, even excited the day of the interview when they called me 30 minutes beforehand to tell me that it was off. Very important office meeting popped up and no time for interviews but I could come in the next day. I said it was no problem at all - although I DID have to drop C. off at the bus station an hour before I would normally TAKE him to work to make the appointment and you know, I had already spent my 70 minutes at the border crossing and was paid up and crossed and only about 10 minutes away. (no I didn't tell her that :P) But ok, I understand.

So, the next day comes, the interview happens and it is explained to me that it's a 3 interview process - my my ! Well, 3 interviews IF I'm one of the 6 chosen from the first 20 and then one of the 4 chosen from the 6 - my very own little reality show. Blah blah anyways I'm chosen for a second interview and that was today. I went in for my second interview at 10 a.m. and they told me that there were only 5 of us and that they would forgo the 3rd meeting and make a decision today. YAY !! SOOOO I thought the interview went quite well and one of the interviewers told me that they would make the decision this afternoon and I would receive a call around 3:00 - 3:30 to tell me either way. Okay, great ! Actually he told me he would call me like THREE TIMES.

And. And now it's 4:18 and yeah I know it's only an hour or half hour late but, but, OH BUT COME ON! This is serious business people! This is my LIFE here and DAG GUMMIT I NEED TO KNOW IF I GOT THE JOB!!. ACK ! Do I even WANT to work for such rude people? Yeah yeah I know, important business probably "came up" but geez. Geez and dang and CRAAAAAAAAAAP.

UPDATE --- (It's the next day) Yeeeaaahhh 4:30 came and went as well as all last night and this morning - they NEVER called. How unimaginably rude, I mean REALLY? FUCK YOU ASSHOLES !!!!! JERK OFF SONS OF WHORES !! Dirty whores. With syphilis.

LOL my Mom said this morning "It's not like it was a bad DATE, they should have called you." AHAHAHAHAH My Momma is funny ! :P

Okay, Moving on. Happier things await.

EEEEEEE!!!!! I was scrapping the paint off of our iron gates yesterday when a neighbor lady from two houses down came to introduce herself and say HELLO to me !!! YYYAAAAYYY !!!!!! I can't tell you how dang THRILLED I was ! Granted, she didn't speak a lick of english but I had enough cave-man spanish to get us at least a little acquainted. You guys she came with a SMILE and a handshake and I was so damn happy !! I think we should KNOW our neighbors, not necessarily be best friends but it's rude to live 5 feet from them and not know their names damn it. It's just polite. Neighborly!

I've been WANTING to introduce myself to the neighbors but that whole language barrier thing kinda scared me off. "Hello neighbor!! HOLA!! Crazy white girl knocking at your door that you won't be able to understand, please don't call security on me I'm just trying to be neighborly!!" Anyways she told me that if I ever need anything or need help that she is just two houses down. OH !! How kind !! I told her the same thing back and we talked about her kids and husband and then she went back home.

I was so happy I stopped the paint scrapping and went to the task of baking some cookies so I could take them to her later to say thank you. I delivered the cookies later on and she was asleep but her son was there. He's 11 and speaks better english than I do and gave her the THANK YOU message.

Later on she came back with her son and he translated a whole conversation for us (that little kid is bad ass!) She's so nice and sweet and she told me that any time I'm home I can come over to her house and hang out so that I don't have to be by myself! ISN'T THAT NICE!!??? YAY!!!!!!!

So anyways, she liked my cookies and she brought the plate back and even gave me some fruit in return. How polite ! And I TALKED TO HER !! Ok so I mentioned that :P It's funny what one can get thrilled about when so isolated, but I'll take it where I can get it and remember to be thankful.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Who's the minority now?

A bit more on not being bilingual.

I knew that I would be in the minority race for the first time in my life when I moved here. I have no problem with that, whatever, we're people you know? But I have to admit I DID expect that when I crossed the border into Texas each day that I would be magically transported into a land of english speaking people again. Not necessarily a land of white people but at least I figured most everybody would speak english. It's our country's #1 language and all.

What I didn't realize is, is that by crossing that bridge into the U.S. I'm merely changing to better roads and different police. A border guard told me that it's anywhere from 70 - 90% spanish here on the U.S. side of the border, and while I think that's a little high (thought), I AM for real shocked that when I go to the gas stations and stores that many of the clerks don't even TRY to speak english. HERE, IN the U.S. - I had no idea. In the bigger stores they are bilingual - and damn good at it - but in the smaller places I'm spoken to primarily in Spanish. It's shocking to go to a gas station everyday to buy the morning paper to look for jobs and be told my total in Spanish.

I find myself in the Office Depot (printing and faxing resumes) talking to the bilingual girl behind the desk and realizing that I've become one of "THOSE" people. You THOSE people who give perfect strangers too much information and out-stay their welcome by talking about crap that the clerk doesn't care about for too long. Yeah. I hate those people. I didn't think I would ever do that - even when I was OLD ! But I find myself desperate to speak to someone that understands me and I can understand in return. Besides the border guards. Gahhh.

Yes, I call my Mom and Dad and BFF but there is something about talking in person with someone that humans need. C. is wonderful but he's not always around and dang it girls need other girls to talk to you know? :P It's true. Boo-hoo and woe-is-me I want a girlfriend. God please give me a job soon, lol at least those people HAVE to talk to me, even if it's just work related.

Speaking of - I went for my first job interview last week and there in the waiting room were TWO other women OBVIOUSLY there for the same job as I. Awkward much? I mean REALLY??? I can't really stand that sort of thing so when one of them asked me the time I took the opportunity to open up some conversation between us.

We all got the big elephant in the room out and kicked him to the side. The first girl and I talked some about being new people in the area and my nerves - as well as hers I'm sure - really started to calm down. When she went in for her interview I started up a conversation with the other woman - God bless the always viable convo-opener of "I really like your shirt!" :p I did though, it wasn't a lie.

And like magic!? She and I started talking about allllll SORTS of things - ending up on the subject of MEN for heavens sake and me pointing my finger at her and lecturing her (a woman 15 years older than me) about how she shouldn't be pining away for an obviously crappy man that was treating her like shit. I told her that she was a princess - a QUEEN and should be treated so - and NOTHING less. EVER. She felt bad that she's divorced and older and is afraid that she's a spinster and I has all sorts of confidence-boost stuff to throw at her for that. :) I swear nothing gets me fired up more than a mistreated woman that's had her self confidence worn down to nil.

SO anywhoo, we had a great conversation and by the time it was my turn to be interviewed all ov my nerves were gone and I felt great. The INTERVIEW went great and the woman told me that I was her absolute first choice - that she would REALLY like to offer me the job - but I need to be more bilingual. She even went so far as to suggest that she might try to shuffle some people around to find a place for me! I was really flattered - she said I seem like "A real go-getter!" HA !! Who would have thunk it!

Anyways, the second woman I was speaking with was professional and actually lived a lot closer to the job than I - and was bilingual. I told her that she would be more suited for the job than I, just the Gods truth.

No worries though - today I have TWO interviews and I'm hopeful about both of them, I don't think the bilingual thing will come into play as much and am really hopeful.

Wish me luck! And thanks to you all who are still reading, I appreciate it, I feed off of it. Thank You :)

Friday, October 31, 2008


Yesterday when I was done job searching for the day and was back home alone I was in the kitchen when I heard a knock at our fence outside. I don't like it when people come to our house when C. is gone, I usually have JUST enough english to get by I guess I DO manage, but never as well as I'd like. I guess the textbook he gave me for our first Christmas really IS coming in handy now. :P

Yesterday was a shining goofy example of my lack of Spanish though. I wearily walked to the front door to peak my head out and saw a man behind our gate with some paperwork. He immediately launched into rapid-fire spanish and I couldn't get in a "UHHH" or "DUHH" or "NO HABLO" anywhere for like what seemed forever. I could tell he was asking me questions and he wanted answers, and it was making me nervous. I heard a word a few times and finally my brain registered it as "Immigration."

IMMIGRATION !!! AHHHHH!!!!!! I immediately thought "Holy shit! Immigration has come for me! HOW did they find me? WHY? I've got to run away!" LOL riiiigggghhhhttt like I could run away. Dork.

He stopped for a half second and I said - ???? Immigration ???? and he kept rapid firing that damn word at me but finally my head was starting to register something else. "igracion" "umigracion" "Fumigracion" "Fumigacion (Fum-i-grah-see-own) OHHHHHH !!! Fumigation !!!! He was a Bug-killer salesman !

AH !! AAHHAHAHAHHAHHAHAH !! SHIT !! And he scared the crap out of me! LOL I don't know why but he kept repeating it over and over FUMIGACION-FUMIGACION-fumigacionfumigacion! Strage.

Anyhoo I finally understood, said "Ohhhh !!" "Fumigacion!?" "NO GRACIAS !!" I smiled and shut the door. Good bye !

There's no REASON that immigration would come after me - and lord knows they wouldn't come toting a clip-board but instead big guns - but my lil ole brain is programmed to be worried about it I guess, after the couple of years with C. in the U.S.

Fumigation - HA ! He's two weeks too late, I hauled my cats and dog and C. over to his Aunts house the first full day I was there and bug-bombed the hell out of that place. We STILL have bugs dying - it's a long-killing formula safe for animals. I don't get how it works and I don't care, I'm just glad that the only mouse-sized cock-roaches I see are dead ones. *shudder*

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Serious Men

I saw a very serious looking muy importante looking mexican man standing on the street today talking to another super I'm-very-important-looking-man. They had their chests puffed out and were waving their arms about during their oh-so important conversation but neither seemed to notice that one of them had the zipper on his tight pants completely down. Tighty-whities for the world to SEE !

HAAAAAAAA I didn't tell him - it'd be improper :P - but I winked at him because I'm a crazy beotch like that. He tipped his hat at me - oh yes the pretty gringa, obviously impressed by his status - and smiled wide. I would have given quite a few pesos to see his reaction when he finally realized that his white underpants were on view for everyone to see through his black pants - and to know what he thought of that gringa THEN. HA !

Okay, on to something meaningful. Here we go.

Chino is such a good husband, I adore him ! And I'm glad I can say I was not wrong to come crazy assed chasing after him. He has been so sweet to me these past 14 days. (my gawd it seems like a MONTH!) Through my crying and my tantrums and my complete irrational bitchiness to HIM for the fact that Mexico has an INSANE street system and I keep getting lost - he just keeps loving me and hugging me and telling me that it will get better.

Through the over-salty, over-sour- over-cooked- under-cooked dinners that I make for him (not quite back into the swing of cooking yet :P and god knows I've never been able to make rice.) he eats on and smiles and thanks me and loves me for my efforts.

The other day when he was off to work I walked down the street to a tiny store, a little adventure to buy some pop and cookies. On the way there I tried my best to feel that I was in MY home too, not just Mexico, and tried to make myself feel that I belong. When I got there the bars were up in the doorway and locked but the door was open on the inside. There was a sign out front "Abierto" and I just stood there staring at it trying my damnedest to remember if that meant open or closed. I stood there like an idiot and looked on into the store past the bars to the pop and candy trying to figure out what I would get if the door would open.

Finally a lady came out and started talking to me in rapid spanish. I "Uh" "Oh" and "Guh" and "Duh'd" for a bit before I could get out "Hablo poqito." But it was all good, her son came out and he spoke perfect english. He explained that they were open but keep the doors locked to keep out the rats. (The thief's)

Anyways, I walked around feeling like an idiot while they both STARED at me trying to figure out what kind of cookie I wanted to try so I just grabbed something. When it came time to pay it amounted to about 2 dollars and for what I bought I knew it was kind of an insane price, more like U.S. prices, but didn't know how to argue so I just paid and walked out feeling bummed that they screwed me for being a gringa. So much for my feeling of belonging. Jerks.

I told C. about it when he got home and asked him if I was right, that they over charged me and he got all manly and puffed up and outraged on my behalf. He demanded to see the wrappers from the cookies and the pop bottle, did the math in his head and came up with that they over charged me by more than double.

He says "Jew want me to go down there and say some-ting to dem? I'm going to go say something, they don't need to do this to you, I'm going." I just smiled at all this, I didn't expect that he would be so pissed on my behalf, I thought he would shrug it off but no. :) He left his dinner right there on the table and told me he'd be back and marched his lil but out the house and down the road full of fire-ant and ready to deafened his gringas honor. I was so proud :P

But really, it was nice to have him do that, it feels good to have someone stand up for me like that you know? I never should have doubted that he would. :) Lucky for those people the store was closed by that time, and the next day when we drove by C. stopped again, but once again they were closed. He's still got it in his mind to tell these people off and I love him for it, this weekend when he's not working that lady's gonna have some splaining to do. He's mine and I'm' so proud. :)

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

How I Got Here

I just spent an hour and a half trying to submit an application online and then Windows STINKING CRAAAAP VISTA tells me that they no longer support html or web-based e-mails. EXCUSE ME??? Oh F-U VISTA YOU PEICE OF SHIT ! CRAAAAAPPPPP.

So. I tried to sign up for Vistas version but it was confusing and just not do-able. THEN it said if I went through some rig-a-ma-ro I COULD make a way to use my yahoo, I just had to fill out some stuff. So I filled out some stuff - AND IT TELLS ME I have to have the non-free version of Yahoo. FUCK THAT! So I tried to sign up for a Hotmail account - just. so. I. can. send. this. damn. application. And what do I get after filling out the form??? HMMM???? "ERROR, we're sorry our website is experiencing a temporary error. Please try again. 3 tries later?? FUCK YOU MICROSOFT AND YOUR PIECE OF SHIT VISTA ! I HAAAATTEEE YOU.

Ahem. Excuse me.


Anyways, here's the start of my story about coming to Mexico. I'm frazzled and retarded right now so it's not up to my usual par of mediocre, but you'll get the point. (and p.s. bloggers spell check isn't working so you can all see just how regtarded I am - awesome)

Ugh. Death to Vista. - And does anybody else want to make out with the Apple Computer Commercial guy? I think I might, don't tell C. :P

I made it, I made it to mexico, I'm here, I live here. Holy damn and shit. WOW you know?

Frankie my friend from work and his testy teenage daughter and I drove down starting on a Wendsday at about noon and didn't arrive at the border till midnight thursday (well, friday then? blah) anyhoo, it was a long as hell drive and would have been a lot shorter but the traffic from Dallas all the way to San Antonio (like over a hundred miles) was during rain and was pretty much one gigantic traffic jam.

It was insane. Aparently people in TX think rain means that armaggedan MAAYYY be coming and they should therefore drive like total morons and go 20mph. I don't get it, but whatever.

I felt so bad for my cats and dog, my cats wouldn't eat drink or go to the bathroom and thought I could get Sassy (Sassy is my "new" dog - no I didn't name her after Sassy Blondie, she came named :P) to eat (only out of my hand and only food that I chewed up and spit out) but not so much on the bathroom front.

The second day big kitty puked up white foam all over Frankies daughter (hahahhahah) and I was so worried she was dehydrated and was going to die or something. (she lived, no brain damage, she's already retarded)

Down about 120 miles from the border in the middle of KNOWHERE on a knowhere road we stopped off to consult the map and then my car wouldn't start - that was scary. My trusy battery starter saved the day though and we were on our way.

I was so damn tired when we finaly got to the border. I left frankie and brit at a hotel with my car and cleaned out the van (I had quite a melange of food and dog stuff and papers going on) started to translate the inventory sheet that I thought I would need for the border the sheed that I THOUGHT I would have had a half a day to do - BUT NOOOO (thanx traffic jam) and promptly gave up. It was too long and I was too tired, it was in Gods hands at that point.

I prayed over and over and over (for weeks) for some sort of miracle at the border - them just waving me through or making me pay a mordita (bribe) or SOMETHING, just something to let me pass.

So - what happened? HA !! I can't hardly believe it, omg (Mom, omg means Oh My God, you'll catch on, love u!) you guys. I pulled up to the border, paid my bridge fare and went on to the PASS or Go part and got PASSED THROUGH - I was thinking HOLY CRAP they're not even going to SEARCH ME (in my giant filled to the roof cargo van) this is AWESOME !!! - when a man with a big gun started flashing his flashlight at me - to stop. Shit.

He asked me to get out, asked me if I speak spanish - no - and started asking me just what the heck I was DOING in Mexico in the middle of the night with a big ole van. I told him I was coming to be with my husband - a mexican - and the guy seemed relieved. I told him that my husband was waiting right there for me and waved to C. to come over. Lol C. and I had our 2 month gone reunion with a border guard and his Ak-47, we kind of looked at each other with big scared eyes and just said hi.

The border guard was happy that C. was there because he could speak spanish. And what happened next? Pure Mexico, Mexico at it's finest. :P

Border Gaurd -
"This is your husband?"
"Yes, we have our I.D.'s and I have our marrige certificate if you'd like to see."
"No, that's ok."
(To C. in spanish) -
What is all this stuff?"
""It's all our things, we're moving here."

"You're moving to Mexico?"
"Yes, right here in Reynosa."
"Huh." "You're not going to sell this stuff?"
"You're not going to leave Reynosa with it?"

He asked us to open up the back and asked me what was in the violin and guitar cases - lol - no guns, (Mom, lol means "laugh out loud") - I really do play music. After that he asked to see the front where my dog was and I told him that I had a dog.

"I have all her papers and her international certificate of health here for you, would you like to see?"
*Blink* (in my head, no EFFING WAY ! I paid a lot for those PAPERS!! SHHHIIIIIIIIT)
(To C.) "Do you have any electronics, t.v.'s?" (not allowed to bring them in the country)
"Yeeeaaahhhh, for our house."
"You're not going to sell them?"
"Okay." "Go ahead."

And that was it. We just stood there for a second in amazment and he had to kind of shoo us away and out of our daze. My god after all the worrying and praying and almost worrying ourselves sick reading about the crazyness about what it's like to get your things accross the border and all you have to go through - that was it.

Basicaly we had a shit-load of stuff, it was late, the guy was talking with his friends and he just plain didn't feel like going to all the trouble of follwing the rules. Pure. Mexico. Slightly scary as we could have had ANYTHING packed in there beyond his view, but luckily for the country the scariest thing I brought in were my Stephen King books. And some old busted underwear - you know all your draws aint pretty bitches - but that's a story for a different day.

We drove to our new home, unloaded everything, I went back to TX to get my car and my cats, came back, got PASSED again - and this time didn't even get a second look. Good thing I got all those important kitty cat health papers. Good heavens. Ah well, at least the bastards won't be dying on me.

My first 3 minutes in Mexico and it pretty much sums up the country. Insane? Corrupt? I like to think of it as laid back.

Friday, October 24, 2008

I Made It !!



That about covers how I feel. That and OMG holy SHIT I'M IN MEXICO !!


Ok, ok.

So I've been here for..... 8 days. I'm just now not getting lost trying to get 3 miles to the border to cross into TX and back -my GAWD who ever came up with Mexicos street system was retarded. Actually I think they just made a street and stareted adding on other streets at random strange places whenever the need for one sprung up. It's insane but I'm getting it.

Crap crap and tripple crap, I'm at a cyber cafe - we won't get internet till I get a job - hopefully soon ! - and I've spent the last hour catching up with a friend and doing e-mail and now my hour has run out and I've got to scoot but I will be back SOON !!

OMG I've got like a thousand things to tell you !!! SHIT !!

ACK gotta vamos !


- Lindy in Mexico !

Thursday, September 25, 2008

I've experienced just the tip of the iceberg (or cactus I guess I should say) when it comes to Mexican culture. They're right THERE next to us on our border but my goodness the second you step over the line it really is a different world.

Small shops that feature things for witches and herbalists are ALL OVER the place down there - and until going I really didn't know things like that exist. Yeah, I've heard of the voodoo stuff in New Orleans but damn, these people seem to honestly be IN TO it.

I love the shops like the ones above. (click the pic it get's big and you can see shit) It's got everything from devil worship to beautiful Mother Mary's and just a CRAZY amount of potions and elixirs and herbs (and apparently a baby stroller :P) for people to choose from. I'm not really into that sort of thing but I am intensely curious about the herbs and potions and what-not and what they're supposed to cure.

They do love Kentucky Fried Chicken down there - maybe it has something to do with the 11 herbs and spices. - gufaww-

For real though, check out this mo-fo! I don't have my memory card so I can't blow up this damn picture properly but in front of this dude there is a big glass of water with 3 limes floating in it.

Like, not sliced limes for drinking, but some weird witch mexican voo-doo shit. Isn't that NEATO???

I was reading a book about mexican culture this week and a woman was telling a story about how her neighbor was pissed at her for opening up a store in her house - so the neighbor went to a Bruja (witch) and the bruja gave her a spell to do. The lady comes out of her house one morning to find scrambled raw eggs in the shape of a star in front of her house on the road. SHIT !! Naturally the lady went to a bruja of her OWN and got a counter spell. (naturally of course)

I wonder if I'll have people putting bruja hits out on me because I'm white and I'm going to blast some Evanescence and Toby Keith out in my back yard?

Chino isn't totally exempt from all of this. When I first met him I remember he was having some kidney problems - he said they hurt - and he told me that he went to an mexican herbalist in Chicago who gave him some -herbs- and told him to drink a lot of water. I of course in all of my gigantic-western-medicine-white-ness had a flying flip and told him that he'd die if he took those herbs and he NEEDED TO GO to a damn doctor. It was too late though, he had already taken them and was in fact - fine. Huh.

A while later he had a sore tooth and our neighbor lady gave him a poultice to pack around it in his mouth. I screamed "FREAKS" again but he did it and it did help him with the pain. I decided right there that I'd be making my own poultices for him now on. The next time he gets a bad tooth I'm going to grind up some harmless basil or grass or something and mix it with a good ole dose of AMBESOL. I'll get me a little "potion" booklet and his ass will never know. Problem. Solved. I'm open minded and curious but I'm not risking him putting BRUJA knows what in his body.

Now, let's talk animal sacrifices. THIS shit will REALLY freak you out! I guess they DID come form the Aztecs so it sort of makes sense why they'd adapt into it but - Ok, okaayy so this was in a restaurant (in a MALL) and they were just cooking strung-up goat. Talk about a damn surprise though - "Hey sweetie want to stop in to JC Penny's for a sec? Oh your hungry, alright let's check out this little cafe." I'll stick with american food courts thank you very much. Damn.

Mexico is going to be interesting if anything. I hope I can make friends with a witch. That'd be cool.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

It's For Real Now

Like, it's official now, after giving my bosses 6 months notice with a fuzzy date to call it quits - I've actually come up with one. I talked to C. and even my parents and it's FOR REAL now.

And God I don't want it to be. I don't want to leave my mom and dad and other dad and lil brother and this job that I actually like coming to every day. And my bestest friend since forever - jaybird. I don't want to go with like 99% of the fibers in my being but I am.

I think it's harder now because we've spent so much time apart, it's not like I still don't love him like crazy, but after so LONG, you sort of get used to things. I guess I'm used to being alone again, but I know, I know that if I didn't go I'd be sick. He really is the one for me, and God I just wish I could get that FEELING in me so strong like it's always been. I need that crazy love INSANE PULL of a feeling to get me through this you know? I need to channel what it was like every time I had to leave him in Mexico this summer on my visits. I need to remember how heart wrenching it was to get on a plane and tell him it'd be alright we'd be together soon.

{{{{ I'm back I had to go outside and cry for a while, dramatic, I know }}}}}

I'm gonna miss my momma. That's what's really getting me today. She's got the best smile and the warmest softest hug you could ever imagine and even though we'll have the web-cam which I'm so very thankful for I'm not gonna be able to HUG her. We've gone far beyond mother/daughter the last few years and strait into best friend territory. I know we'll still be able to talk but damn it I just, aw hell. I'm gonna start to bawl again and I'm at work.

How do all of the college kids that get jobs like 8 states away as soon as their done with school do this? I know like 8 people from my class that actually stayed around here and the rest are all far far away from their families. I'm like a bird that left the nest but not the branch.

Next week is my last week at my job, and I'm staying around another week after that to spend time with family and pack. Then on the 13th or 14th I'll be on my way.

I foresee a lot of tissue and crappy tearful posts. Ugh.

Monday, September 22, 2008

I Don't Have Cancer

How friggin bad ass and cool is THAT !!?? Praise be to da LAWWD !

Ummmm OH !! And C. found us a HOUSE !! EEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Although, I might want to strangle him a .. . . . TAD.

He called me up a few days ago to tell me that he found the perfect place (yay ! exciting !) and mentioned that it's only a 1/2 mile from his aunts house. Cool ! But then I remembered that his Aunts house like TOTALLY floods (her entire street actually) when it rains for more than a couple of hours. So I asked "Uh... is it on high ground? You know because of the rains and flooding and stuff???"

He told me that it's like 1/2 way down a hill but not at the bottom and that he thought it would be just hunky dory. If my memory serves correct his Aunts house is about 1/2 way down a sloped road and it floods like a motha-focka. Drainage in Mexico consists of rain draining and gathering in the streets and running down the hills of streets until if finds a river and dumps out. Here's an artists rendition. Check this bitches skillzzz.

Uhh... you get the picture. I witnessed it the last time I was down there, it's like a gigantic frightening street wide yucky water slide. His aunt said that they had water come up into their house a couple of years ago and that a few cars floated down the road but that was about it.

He thought we'd be fine because we're a couple streets up and little more up hill in general than her aunt. When he showed his cousin where he found us a place his cousin informed him that sorry cuuzz, you're on a water slide street too.

For real babe? I ASKED YOU THIS !!! REMEMBER!!???

I asked him about 42,000 questions and he came up with this - " Well,,, I already gave her the deposit, we'll just see what it's like the first time, maybe it won't be that bad, and if it is then we can move. Eeets not expensive to move."

Ha ! HAAHHH AHAHHAAHAHAH !! OH Silly SILLY AMORCITO !! I had a hissy and told him "Oh, so we can move AFTER all of our things have been RUINED !?? REALLY !!???" (somebody was pissy) And GEEE maybe my car has always wanted to PRACTICE BEING A SURF BOARD. Awesome!!

I told him to go back and talk to the lady - and then never mind that because she'll lie - and instead to go back and talk to the NEIGHBORS. For heavens sake. Shit.

I wouldn't have been so flipped out but I ASKED HIM about it specifically and he just waved me off. I'm not a bitch to wave off damn it.

Ah well, I badgered him into going back and talking to the neighbors and really REALLY had to badger him into understanding that he WILL get our money back if it turns out to be shitty. You'd think I was asking him to shoot her, I don't GET that.

Anyways, I had my hissy and got things done and then told him that I'm still very proud of him and I know he's being very brave and that I love him 10,000 times and always will even when he's a jack ass. That's love folks, through smarts and jack-ass-e-tees, it goes for everything.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

I Have Jackass ESP

Okay, so not really, but I CAN read Chino like a book.

Before C. and I got married (okay like the day before :P ) I informed him that I am a princess and that he had to promise to one day properly propose to me and then marry me again. A lot of girls dream about their wedding day but I've dreamt much more about just being proposed to. I've imagined for years and years all the different, cool, exciting and unique ways that my future man would go about it. I've had hundreds of proposal fantasies and I won't lie, I was a little sad when I realized that it was never going to happen.

BUT ! Then I remembered my new-found princess-ness (i was never a princess or spoiled before C.) and I decided to test the waters with my request. C. of course took my hands and shakily told me how much he loved me and that I deserve to have my day and that he wanted the same thing. He promised me, I believed him and I pushed my sadness away.

We actually started to plan a pretend wedding - it would have been this exact month. We had my parents that raised me over for dinner and C. mustered up all his nerve and asked my Dad for my hand. My Dad told him that once he took me he couldn't bring me back. And then he asked C. if he had seen me in the morning and if he knew what a monster I am in the a.m. I love my Dad :P C. was so nervous that he took my dad serious (lolololol) and kept trying to tell my Dad seriously that he wouldn't try and give me back and that he loved me and wanted me forever - all the while my dad's still making jokes and my mom and I were trying not to pee our pants. Omg.

I asked a friend of mine - a good actor - to *ahem* officiate the "wedding." We were going to pretend like it was the first time - HA, I wonder what my father chuckles would have had to say about all that! I'm betting he would have just let it be, bless his heart. We would have gone through with it, I had so much figured out, music, caterer guest list and more, but it wasn't meant to be and I'm ok with that, in fact I think it was for the best. I never would have got to have the conversation I had with my bio-dad the day before yesterday and I wouldn't have got to screw up C's first attempt at my dream proposal.

Oh yes. Did I mention I can read him like a book? GAHHHH sometimes I read too much and speak too fast.

On my 2nd visit to Monterrey Mx this summer C. and I sought out a beautiful park in the heart of the city. It's lovely, stunning really, and they have boat rides that take you down a scenic lighted, art-drenched canal through the city.

When we first got there I was totally geeked, it looked SO COOL and pretty and I thought it was just what we needed after our stressful trip. We checked out the different boats - they had a tourist type boat that held about 25 people and then off to the side they had special two person gondola style with
the gondola man and everything - for lovers.

I made C. check out the price on the love boat for us but it was a tad expensive and my cheap heart couldn't justify the price. C. got us our tickets for the touristy ride and we waited around, took some pictures and stood in line for quite a while to wait for the next boat to come. It was then that I finally noticed that he was quiet and looked kind of sick. I asked him what was wrong a couple of times and he kept telling me nothing. Yeah, I can tell when there's something wrong and saying "Nothing" just turns me into a badger, I will FIND the problem. I kept pestering him (sorry can't help myself) and finally he just kind of broke out with

"Maybe we should go anahder day, de line is long, we don't have to wait if you don't want to."


I wasn't quite "on the boat" and I was still enthusiastic about the ride so I told him that'd be crazy, we'd already been waiting like 20 minutes and the next boat was sure to be coming soon.

He tried again "But... we're tired and it's light out and I heard that it's much more nice in the dark so you can see all the lights, we should just come back some other day." (it really is beautiful)

"You've heard about this place?"

"Jeahhh my family tol me maybe I should take you on it sometime because it's beautiful."

"Awww that was nice of them ! "

"Jeaaahhhhhh." "But they said we should go at night."

"So why didn't we come at night?"

"Wayel I deedn't know exactly where it was yet." "Can't we just come back?"

"Our tickets say they're only good for today, why are you being so weird? We could just hang around till later if you want to go at dark."

"Jeeaaahhh but that's a long time away."

"So, it doesn't matter, it's just you and me and we can do what we want, walk around the park and stuff."

At this point he got all fidgety and squirrely and he just looked SO distraught and even though we'd never talked about him proposing to me since before we married the idea finally popped into my head.

I thought about the lovers gondola and how pained he was - not at the price it seemed now, but at the fact that I had SEEN it and how weirded out he was about going on the more turisty ride. That and his wacked out behaviour and the look of sickness on his face and I just knew.

Could I keep it to myself and just go along and say "Oh you're right baby let's DO come back another day." ?? Oh no, heavens no.
I went with this -

"OH ! OHMYGOD is this the place you were going to PROPOSE TO ME AT !??? EEEE!!???"

Chino started to turn pale and sick and he was almost in tears and he couldn't speak.

"OOoohhhhhhhh so, yeah, I guessed right huh?"

Oh god bless him and curse my big mouth :P

I took him into my arms and hugged him and told him how very much I loved him and that I LOVED his idea and I LOVED the way he was going to do it and I was sorry I ruined it. He was so shaken up but he told me not to be sorry, it wasn't my fault of course - god bless him he's not a cry-er and he was trying so hard not to become one. I kept telling him over and over that it was a wonderful idea and that I would have truly loved it.

It took a bit of doing to get him out of devastated mode and to get him to explain that he was planning on doing it the next time I came down and that he didn't realize that THIS was the park his family told him about. :P Dork. He finally lightened up and told me he'd figure out something even better for the next time I came .

HA ! No way - I told him he COULDN'T do it the next time I came because I'd KNOW he was going to do it and that would ruin the surprise. I told him he'd have to wait till another trip or perhaps when we were settled in after the move. (okay so I'm a little pushy, but he agreed with me after I said it so whatever :P )

God I was honestly just SO HAPPY that he remembered his promise and that he was planning to follow through with my proper proposal and I felt (and feel) so lucky to have been blessed with the romantic man I'd always dreamed of.

I'd move to any country for this man and some day I'm going to have a story to tell you guys about when he get's to do his proposal (I promise I'll keep my mouth shut the next time - no matter WHAT I can read in his head) :P

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

I'm Married

Yeeeaaaahhhh uh. Just so ya know. I've told a few of you that I trust from my other blog but for the last ALMOST 2 years I've been pretending like C. and I are engaged.

Cuz I couldn't tell my parents.

Or, at least I didn't THINK I could tell them.

When C. got into his first go-round with La Migra we had been together for 1 month and 3 weeks. I was already crazy about him and he was already in LOOOOVVVVEEEE with me so at 1 month 3 weeks and 3 days I told him that I'd marry him if it meant keeping him in the country. It was my offer, he never would have asked.

I told my boss, my bff Jaybird and my other friend and co-worker Frankie. I would have gone it without telling anybody - I KNEW how insane it sounded and I'm usually a pretty bright person that doesn't go flying off the deep end you know? - but I needed witnesses. I told those that KNEW (which ended up being my entire office because my boss has a big mouth) that it was OKAY because if it turned out we weren't perfect for each other I'd just divorce his ass quietly and it'd be FINE.

One side of my family was in such an uproar that they were hounding me to LEAVE HIS ASS so I couldn't bring myself to tell them, I was just too sure at the time that they would disown me and I loved them too much to risk that. My other family were ok with C. but damn, uhhhhhh getting married after 2 months? I didn't want them to think I had lost it, I didn't want them to be worried about me.

So. On November 30th 2006 I went to work, did my job and my boss and I and Frankie left a couple of hours early (with the flowers she bought me at the grocery store (I will always be grateful for those flowers) ) and headed off to the court house.

It was hard but not as hard as I thought. I had always ALWAYS imagined both of my Dads walking me down the isle in a church and my mom in the front row crying and.... well you know. But I was so very much in love with mi corazon.

Chino and I found a quiet corner where we went to pray for ourselves and our marriage and a short time later a kindly judge came to get us.

:) Oh God my baby was SO nervous he had a hard time repeating the vows, the judge had to repeat a few times for him because his english super-skillz went strait out the window. Bless his heart he was just a shaking :) The judge read us the traditional vows that I had always wanted and for that I was very thankful, I wanted to say to have and to hold for better or worse and I got to. And we have.

It's been almost two years and we've been through SO MUCH, so much separation (against our will of course) and worrying every day of our marriage for one reason to the next and stress from my family and everything else that comes to newlywed po-folk. :)

But I'll be damned if we didn't know what we were doing WAS right. Our love has GROWN over the last two years no matter what has been thrown at us. Every once in a while he'll say or do something so small but it's like the last drop in the bucket and my heart overflows and I get this FEELING inside, overwhelming, and I have to tell him "Oh ! I love you MORE again!" :) It grows, this kind of love grows, not getting stale or week after 2 or 3 months like you hear people do in beginning relationships.

As time goes on and we get more and more comfortable with each other he's become not less but MORE romantic with me. He's less afraid to show his crazy love for me in his silly ways now because he knows that I might giggle :P but I'd never laugh at him. So when he wants to bust out on the phone in a spontaneous off-key love song in spanish - because he JUST CAN'T hold it in - he feels free and I love him all the more. He showers me with praises and for once in my life I believe them. I believe that I am his tesoro and cielo and vida and corazon and luz and sol and amiga and amante. (treasure, sky, life, heart, light, sun, friend and lover) I beleive it when he tells me I'm beautiful and perfect for him in every way even when I'm "Peeesy."

So, why tell you all now? Aw shit. Well, when we were married we requested not to have it published in the papers (obviously) but I guess - or I know because my Father Chuckles told me last night - that sometimes parents just KNOW things or can sense that they are going to happen.

And you only have to pay 10$ for anybody's public records.

And my step-mom is kinda internet savey.


Last night after my biopsy I felt like being with my Father Chuckles and I asked him about something a little fishy he said the other day. I won't go into all of it but he and I beat around the bush and ran in circles around one another last night for a long time and now I know that he knows.

He never came out and asked me or said it and neither did I, I was planning on taking this to my grave so it's a little hard to SAY to him - and you guys know how I am about SAYING things to him anyways - :P but we both made enough sideways references - and finally a lot of jokes :) that the truth is finally out in the open. I feel like some kind of bastard that he's KNOWN for two years that I'm a lying sack of shit but I'm also comforted because he also KNEW - through is parent intuition I guess, WHY I did it.

He doesn't hate me he never disowned me and he can even laugh about it. I feel bad that it hurt him that I didn't think I could tell him, but he understands that a little bit too. I am so grateful for this man and all he's put up with in me. I love him so very much.

I wonder now if I should just tell my other parents. They don't read my site because they're not on the internet yet, but it just seems so wrong now. Ah well, that's for another day. As for today . . wow. Just wow.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Biopsy Today

Dang it I'm so nervous.

I'm nervous because for the first time in my life I had a doctor actually come out and SAY "This is going to hurt."

Usually it's "Oh, it'll only be like a bee sting" HA!! -OR- "This may cause some discomfort." YYYOWWWWZZAA !!!!

But today she actually told me to take a couple of Aleve an hour before I come to "help with the pain a little bit." Well fuck. Really? Shit. OW.

They're going to test for cervical cancer. Everything else has been ruled out and I don't even have HPV but at this point it's either I've got somethin funny in there that's benign - or not.

For someone my age it's RARE, like a lot rare for a chick my age to have cervical cancer, so that's nice. But gall dernit it doesn't stop me from worrying my pants off like a crazy lady.

My god I actually did laundry and cleaned and packed and threw away a bunch of stuff and sorted out clothes for GoodWill last night. (Uh, I clean when I'm nervous, our office is spotless today)

I know it's only a small chance but damn it, I used to PRAY when I was younger to be infertile. Like for real, I detested the idea of having children THAT much. And then I met C. and he made me consider babies, and now when I look into his eyes and he smiles at me and tells me I'm everything he's ever wanted (and I know it's the same for me) and that I'm his "tesoro" (treasure) and "Mi Vida" (my life) and "Mi Cielo" (my sky) and then he laughs and says he can't wait to have a "Peeeessey leetle girl just like jew Chaquita" my damn uterus drops out and sends signals to my brain in protest that it is empty.

The idea of kids still scares me, I can't imagine being good at it - my god I know ZIP about kids, I've never even changed a diaper, and I like a lot of alone time dang it.

But C. would make a crapping-WONDERFUL father and I can't help but imagine us in a few years when everything is settled down and we've had more time together to really BE together and not have to worry all the time - and picture a little half-breed in the making. I'll bet we'd have one hell of a crazy and fun time together raising a little pale-glasses needing-allergic-to-everything-gonna-need-braces-and-a-dermatologist-and-lots-of-exercise lil jumping bean.

It says in the Good Book that God won't give us more than we can handle so I'm gonna have to go with the fact that I must be just fine. I've probably got a wild bunch of cysts that are all friendly and that's it.

Because I can't handle cervical cancer right now and there's no way I could handle losing the ability to have kids. I'm at my wits very last end just trying to move and pull myself far away from my family, I can't take any more.

For heavens sake LISTEN to me I'm all super dramatic and WIGGED out right now and I don't even know ANYTHING yet. I can't deal God, don't even let me try. Please. (and thank you in advance, amen)

So that's that for today. It's probably NOTHING at all (besides the pain factor - OW!) but I'm worried anyways. Cuz I can be. So there. If any of you guys pray, well, that could be cool you know. Like, I'd appreciate it and stuff. :)

Okay, enough flipping out, I'm off, you guys have a good one and thank you for reading all of my drama, you are the best blog pals ever. Just so you know.

Monday, September 15, 2008

My Father Chuckles

I met the father that helped "make" me when I was 14. My mom told me about my Dad situation from when I was so young, that there was never a time I can't remember ever not knowing. I knew that I had the daddy that was raising me and that there was another dad out there, one that wasn't a bad man, he didn't leave or abandon me he didn't hate my mom and my mom didn't hate him, he was the man that made me and he had another life.

When I was 14 I was working my first job and a close family friend that was my supervisor was actually DATING this other dad. She got it in her head that we should meet and he nor I had an objection. God I can remember it like YESTERDAY. He's a big man and he has a wonderful kind smile that turns his size into a teddy bear. I met him and that first day he asked me to "pull my finger" so he could fart. HA ! I do believe I fell in love right there. :)

14 is young but over the years I learned through my mom and later him what the real deal was. It's a long story that I won't go into but all 3 of my parents did what they thought was best for me and I have nothing but the utmost respect for all of them.

The thing about meeting a parent later in life though, is that you have to work at loving them. It's not like the natural love that happens between a child and parent or child and who ever raises them from birth. Once you're older it's like any other relationship, it's getting to know the other person from scratch, seeing what they're like, what kind of person they are and if you even like them. It's like making a friend, but with this weird . . . I don't want to say obligation, but it's something that makes you try a little harder.

It's been especially hard for me, or used to be because of my anxiety disorder. I think between meeting him as a teenager - when you're already so unsure of yourself, and with me not being on anxiety med. at the time (not till many years later) that it was indeed harder than it could have been.

Luckily for me I knew that I liked my Dad right from the beggining, Oh my GOSH I thought he was SO cool and SO nice and so smart and funny and just EVERYTHING you guys. (and I still do) He's one of the neatest people I've ever met but for such a long time I was so afraid to speak barely at all with him. It's hard to explain, but it's like he's larger than life and every time I've ever seen him I feel instantly reduced to that of a 5 year old standing in line to meet their childhood hero waiting to shake their hand, and when the time comes to say something witty and funny to the hero of course the 5 year old just stands there bug-eyed and slack jawed like an idiot.

GOD even now, after a few years of being on Klonopin I STILL feel like that. The best explanation I can come up with, truly, is that of a teenage girl and how she would act with the cutest boy in school that she has THE biggest crush on. I don't mean that in a weird or gross way, it's just the same tongue-tied want him to like me SO MUCH, not wanting to say something stupid and inevitably DOING so, every time - kind of thing.

You'd think it would get better with time, and it does some, but I've noticed that over the last couple of years when we've got to know each other a lot better than before, and I know that I DO like him as a person and I respect him SO much and I'm so impressed with him and that I HAVE come to Love him, that I find myself more tongue tied than ever.

We've gone hunting together and he's told me stories about his grandparents and when he was a kid. I always want to tell him that I love every word and I'm so glad that he shares with me, but I end up just sitting there like a bump on a log. He teaches me about hunting and fishing and I soak up every word and I remember the things he tells me and I think he's so damn smart and I want to tell him so, but I'm so afraid that he won't understand that I'm being sincere.

Through this experience the last two years with Chino I've been scared beyond belief that he's going to give up on me and just think I'm so damn stupid, but you guys for all that he worries and all that I'm not sure he understands or perhaps thinks I'm just a stupid kid, he's STAYED WITH ME and he tries his best to show me respect. He's earned a trust in me these last two years, a trust that even though I still worry some I really don't think he's going to leave me.

I don't have words to express how much I appreciate him sticking with me and I wish there was a way for me to tell him or show him but even after all these years, and klonopin, and trust, and the fact that I love him so greatly, I still find myself at a loss to find a way. I can never seem to find my voice.

I still feel like a kid with him and so much of the time I just stare at him and think it's so cool that he would ever want to hang out with me and I feel so lucky that he does.

When he looks me in the eyes I swear he has the most piercing stare, it feels like he can see right through me and see everything I've never told him. He reduces me to a big glop of goo and I always try to play so cool and look back into his eyes like I'm brave and I'm something.

I guess I should explain, a little late in this post, but I'll explain that it's not HIM that makes me feel so inferior or stupid. He always tells me that I can talk to him, he's always there for me when it's important for him to be, he never says or does ANYTHING to make me feel like the slack jawed 5 year old or the crazy teenage girl, it's just how I am.

Sometimes I wonder if he doesn't think I'm SO weird. He doesn't get to see me when I'm with my friends or mom or at work - I'm funny! I make jokes and I'm laid back and I'm the person people trust and the one they come to when somethings going on. He's the type of guy that EVERYONE likes, he's the one that's always joking and is always funny but will be serious and so stable and there for you if you need it. One of his nick-names is Chuckles. :) He's always finding a reason to smile or laugh, he's easy to amuse and so laid back and every time I see something in myself that is like him I feel SO proud that I'm in some way like the man that is so larger than life to me. I've grown to love him with this kind of love that's not for just a friend but one that's not ALWAYS been there. It's this love that is like that between a father and daughter but one that has been EARNED. It's different and hard to explain.

My goodness if I can't tell him that I simply appreciate his stories of family and my mom then can you IMAGINE what comes to mind when I want to tell him how proud I am to be anything like him and how much I honestly love him? Yeah I go a tad blank.

AHHHHH!! And I WANT TO, I WANT him to know how much he is to me and I want him to be so proud of himself and know that there's always somebody on his team and somebody that thinks he's just the neatest thing since sliced bread. I wish there was a way for me to convey how much he means to me and to get ALL of this crazy stuff off my chest and to have him know that every word is sincere.

That's what scares me the most, the he won't know that everything I have to say about how I feel for him is the truth.

So, here I am, ranting and writing on and on going in circles with closed lips like usual. I saw him yesterday and I had trouble coming up with anything intelligent to say at all. I just mutely stare at him and love him in my own quiet weirdo way. It's so frustrating. I just sit here and cry and wish I could speak but instead I write. Sometimes when I think about it I muster up some guts but when I get anywhere NEAR him I lose all my nerve.

Why is it that when it comes to the most important people we can be so dumb? How can it be possible to love someone so much but at the same time not be able to speak or show it? REALLY !?

I just want him to know.