Dang it I'm so nervous.
I'm nervous because for the first time in my life I had a doctor actually come out and SAY "This is going to hurt."
Usually it's "Oh, it'll only be like a bee sting" HA!! -OR- "This may cause some discomfort." YYYOWWWWZZAA !!!!
But today she actually told me to take a couple of Aleve an hour before I come to "help with the pain a little bit." Well fuck. Really? Shit. OW.
They're going to test for cervical cancer. Everything else has been ruled out and I don't even have HPV but at this point it's either I've got somethin funny in there that's benign - or not.
For someone my age it's RARE, like a lot rare for a chick my age to have cervical cancer, so that's nice. But gall dernit it doesn't stop me from worrying my pants off like a crazy lady.
My god I actually did laundry and cleaned and packed and threw away a bunch of stuff and sorted out clothes for GoodWill last night. (Uh, I clean when I'm nervous, our office is spotless today)
I know it's only a small chance but damn it, I used to PRAY when I was younger to be infertile. Like for real, I detested the idea of having children THAT much. And then I met C. and he made me consider babies, and now when I look into his eyes and he smiles at me and tells me I'm everything he's ever wanted (and I know it's the same for me) and that I'm his "tesoro" (treasure) and "Mi Vida" (my life) and "Mi Cielo" (my sky) and then he laughs and says he can't wait to have a "Peeeessey leetle girl just like jew Chaquita" my damn uterus drops out and sends signals to my brain in protest that it is empty.
The idea of kids still scares me, I can't imagine being good at it - my god I know ZIP about kids, I've never even changed a diaper, and I like a lot of alone time dang it.
But C. would make a crapping-WONDERFUL father and I can't help but imagine us in a few years when everything is settled down and we've had more time together to really BE together and not have to worry all the time - and picture a little half-breed in the making. I'll bet we'd have one hell of a crazy and fun time together raising a little pale-glasses needing-allergic-to-everything-gonna-need-braces-and-a-dermatologist-and-lots-of-exercise lil jumping bean.
It says in the Good Book that God won't give us more than we can handle so I'm gonna have to go with the fact that I must be just fine. I've probably got a wild bunch of cysts that are all friendly and that's it.
Because I can't handle cervical cancer right now and there's no way I could handle losing the ability to have kids. I'm at my wits very last end just trying to move and pull myself far away from my family, I can't take any more.
For heavens sake LISTEN to me I'm all super dramatic and WIGGED out right now and I don't even know ANYTHING yet. I can't deal God, don't even let me try. Please. (and thank you in advance, amen)
So that's that for today. It's probably NOTHING at all (besides the pain factor - OW!) but I'm worried anyways. Cuz I can be. So there. If any of you guys pray, well, that could be cool you know. Like, I'd appreciate it and stuff. :)
Okay, enough flipping out, I'm off, you guys have a good one and thank you for reading all of my drama, you are the best blog pals ever. Just so you know.