Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Ghetto Flatulance

It never ceases to AMAZE me how ridiculous people can behave here in the Ghetto, or hell, the world for that matter.
I went shopping at the Goodwill last week to find a big-ole-fancy hat to decorate and wear as a Derby-hat to the horse races on Saturday. Of course I ended up in the clothes section - I'm cheap and people donate a lot of good shit ok? Whatever.

So on with it, I went down an isle with one other woman, and stated looking at some stuff when all of a sudden THREE FEET away from me she lets out this HUGE long-drawn-out-flarpetty-flug FART. She was older and for the first half second of the fart I thought "oh this poor elderly woman, she can't control herself any more." And then the fart-analyzer portion of my brain kicked in and I realized that this wasn't an uncontrolled fart. No, NOOOO this particular long-wind was a FORCED fart!

You know you guys can tell the difference, don't play coy with me, we all have the ability to tell the difference. It was the kind of wind that is juuuusstt about ready to be ready, or perhaps the first part of it is, so you go ahead and PUSH it out. And then it turned into a LONG one and she just kept on straining it on out. It had that wavery affect where your stomach muscles get tired from pushing so long and you have to take a second to redouble your efforts, the fart gets a little weak but still keeps on going. I could see the determined LOOK on her face! Holy SHIT people.

Listen I'm not in 5th grade, I know it's a bodily function and what not but the old bag not only kept on pushing it out - never missing a BEAT in her scrounging for new stretch pants to destroy - but when I stood there in utter shock and stared openly at her (for real, I didn't mean to I was just shocked) the BITCH TURNED AND GAVE ME A DIRTY LOOK !!! Oh hell the fuck NO ! Seriously??? I mean for REAL?? Couldn't she have at least mustered up an "Excuse me" or "Pardon me" or at LEAST a sheepish-oops-I'm-busted look?? SOME-FUCKING-THING???

NO ! NOO the badalax gave ME a dirty look like I was the one playing the turd tuba and stinking up the place. OH! ....... wha? ........ BITCH ! Dirty RUDE BITCH !

Ugh.

5 comments:

Krissie said...

Ooh, Dyck is gonna have a field day with this post.

D-HOR said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Lindy said...

I guess it is kinda dyck-esque but I saw it happen dang it. Ullck.

Sassy Blondie said...

I think maybe it was Dyckie in drag...

Sparx said...

Maybe it was actually someone hiding behind a clothing rack and she thought it was you? Hahaha...