Friday, September 5, 2008

Gonna Be Brave

2-12-08

Okay Tantrum over. I'm still yucky but I got a call last night from a WONERFUL, sweet, beautiful person that I'd like to call a friend if I may - and she gave me a good ole fashioned mega-dose of sunshine. Sunshine in the form of optimism and a good talking to about putting out positivity into the world and scaling back on the pessimism. I've never been pessimistic - EVER - but I was falling right down into it this week, making myself believe that it wasn't pessimism but real-ism. SHHIITT what is that word? Not real-ism, jeez. Truth, reality, aw crap I can't think of the WORD!! I hate that! But, ok, whatever I was justifying my pessimism by saying I was being realistic. AHHHHHH "realistic!!" That was the word!!!! YAY!

Okay so my brain is a tad shabby right now but whatev.

Everything is still the same but my friend last night really infused me with a better out-look. It's truly surprising how one phone-call and some talking can WHIP a brain around 180 and set the earth back on it's axis. I think maybe things like that can only come from God, but whatever the case I'm thank ful.

The next months to maybe even a year are going to suck. But C. and I have our Love that is so real and so true and so strong that we will make it through.

I'm pretty sure that what I've always planned for my life is all about to change. We are going to most likely be making some HUGE changes but I have to go with the spirit of adventure and new begginings and oportunity and not the way of doom and gloom. No matter where he and I end up together we will utimatley BE together. No matter how far away from my family we will always have a phone and pen and ink and even planes to bring me home.

It's a very different and strange place in life when you are growing up and come to the realization that no matter how much you love your parents (and oh my gawd I do) that when you find your truest match and love and are going to make a family of your own - that your new family is the thing that is going to come first. This is a realization that I never even considered before. My parents have always been first but now I know that I have to put me and my family in 1st place. This is really hard I've got to say and a concept I never imagined I'd have to learn about and get through, but here it is. I guess I'm not done growing up - who knew? It seemed like at 26 I'd be sort of grown ya know? Like these huge epifinies would sort of tapered off by now.

Everything is going to be so damn more difficult than what I thought our life was going to be - at least for a while I guess. My plans are shattered, I don't know what my schooling will be worth, I don't know where we will go or if there will be good jobs for us. But dang it we are hard workers and we will make it.

If we get a miracle then we actually might not have to move but I'm getting myself prepared for everything. I need to be making game plans and working on ideas and educating myself in what might come to pass.

But now I'm alone and bored and just..... ugh, lonley. So I need to find stuff to do. I know I'm not going to start Knitting, THAT'S for damn sure. Nothing wrong with it, and I know it's all the rage but I'm not bright enough. I forsee a lot of new books and television and going to the gym in my near future. Maybe I'll become a real gym-rat and get all super-serious because I'll have no life. That'd be cool I guess. Maybe I'll get all sappy and start scrapbooking. I'm actually really good at scrapbooking even though I think it's sort of way freaking dorky and shit - I'm still good at it - and they DO look nice when you finish them.

I guess I'll dust off my guitar and my violin. Maybe I'll write terribly sappy love songs and songs of change. Yeah or maybe I'll just get out my Jewel books and re-learn everything and sit alone and be sappy and sing "You Were Meant for Me" over and over like a sad hippie child. And the Beatles, I can forsee myself singing "Yesterday" quite a bit.

I haven't been alone in so long. I guess I won't be cooking very much, that's something, a lot less dishes to do. And laundry. Hell I can go 2 1/2 weeks on all of the damn clothes that I have. What did you think I have shame? HA! As long as the baskets aren't throwing of musty air I couldn't care less. No, none of this stuff really amounts to anything at all but at least I'm thinking positive again.

I will have my man and we will be together. There is a place in this world for us and I will damn well find it.

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