C. came and laid on the couch next to me last night all pitiful and wretched like. I asked him what was wrong and he said he had heartburn/a tummy ache.
Being the sweet and helpful gal that I am I said "Ooooooo pooooo baybeee let mamasita make ju fee better." "Maybe da baybee needs to be burped." So I started patting him on the back like a baby.
He growled at me so I figured perhaps another approach would be better and went with ooooo poo baybee maybe he needs to fart. And as helpful as I could be I started patting him on the ass. I also felt the need to inform him that why yes, just like you burp a baby by patting it's back, you have to "fart" the baby by patting it's ass. Ha ha I'm so silly, I think I'm funny, whatever.
I was just kidding around about the "farting a baby" thing, but he took me for serious and said, "Ohhh ju don' know, dat's not how ju do eeet." I assumed he meant burping the baby. But no. He proceeded to teach me that if a baby is too full and their stomach feels hard and they are crying that you have to fart them. (oh God I'm laughing right now, that's too much) He , oh lord, he said you have to put it on it's back and move it's legs around like it's running and make it fart.
AH AHAHHAHA HAH HA,, oh oh lord I'm sorry, I was crying at this point, and he was getting pissy with me for laughing.
- "Eeets not funny, dey hurt so ju have to make them do it."
"You have to "FART" the baby?"
-"Jes, eets not funny, ees it fahnny when ju have to fart?"
"Yes" (uncontrollable laughing)
-"Nooooo it's not funny if the baby hurts"
"I, I, oh I know but you asked if it's funny when I fart, and that IS funny. You laugh all the time!"
-"But da baby is deeferent."
"Farting the baby is different?"
"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (for about a minute)"
-"Hissssssssssssssssssssssssss" (that would be him hissing at me, which makes me laugh more)
I know JACK about babies, I don't know if you actually have to fart them. If it's true? Well that will be one more bargaining chip on his table for his pro-let's-have-a-baby movement. But only if I get to do the farting. OH HO ho haha hhaha. Farting..... snort. ha.ha....baby. Oh lord.