Monday, September 15, 2008

My Father Chuckles

I met the father that helped "make" me when I was 14. My mom told me about my Dad situation from when I was so young, that there was never a time I can't remember ever not knowing. I knew that I had the daddy that was raising me and that there was another dad out there, one that wasn't a bad man, he didn't leave or abandon me he didn't hate my mom and my mom didn't hate him, he was the man that made me and he had another life.

When I was 14 I was working my first job and a close family friend that was my supervisor was actually DATING this other dad. She got it in her head that we should meet and he nor I had an objection. God I can remember it like YESTERDAY. He's a big man and he has a wonderful kind smile that turns his size into a teddy bear. I met him and that first day he asked me to "pull my finger" so he could fart. HA ! I do believe I fell in love right there. :)

14 is young but over the years I learned through my mom and later him what the real deal was. It's a long story that I won't go into but all 3 of my parents did what they thought was best for me and I have nothing but the utmost respect for all of them.

The thing about meeting a parent later in life though, is that you have to work at loving them. It's not like the natural love that happens between a child and parent or child and who ever raises them from birth. Once you're older it's like any other relationship, it's getting to know the other person from scratch, seeing what they're like, what kind of person they are and if you even like them. It's like making a friend, but with this weird . . . I don't want to say obligation, but it's something that makes you try a little harder.

It's been especially hard for me, or used to be because of my anxiety disorder. I think between meeting him as a teenager - when you're already so unsure of yourself, and with me not being on anxiety med. at the time (not till many years later) that it was indeed harder than it could have been.

Luckily for me I knew that I liked my Dad right from the beggining, Oh my GOSH I thought he was SO cool and SO nice and so smart and funny and just EVERYTHING you guys. (and I still do) He's one of the neatest people I've ever met but for such a long time I was so afraid to speak barely at all with him. It's hard to explain, but it's like he's larger than life and every time I've ever seen him I feel instantly reduced to that of a 5 year old standing in line to meet their childhood hero waiting to shake their hand, and when the time comes to say something witty and funny to the hero of course the 5 year old just stands there bug-eyed and slack jawed like an idiot.

GOD even now, after a few years of being on Klonopin I STILL feel like that. The best explanation I can come up with, truly, is that of a teenage girl and how she would act with the cutest boy in school that she has THE biggest crush on. I don't mean that in a weird or gross way, it's just the same tongue-tied want him to like me SO MUCH, not wanting to say something stupid and inevitably DOING so, every time - kind of thing.

You'd think it would get better with time, and it does some, but I've noticed that over the last couple of years when we've got to know each other a lot better than before, and I know that I DO like him as a person and I respect him SO much and I'm so impressed with him and that I HAVE come to Love him, that I find myself more tongue tied than ever.

We've gone hunting together and he's told me stories about his grandparents and when he was a kid. I always want to tell him that I love every word and I'm so glad that he shares with me, but I end up just sitting there like a bump on a log. He teaches me about hunting and fishing and I soak up every word and I remember the things he tells me and I think he's so damn smart and I want to tell him so, but I'm so afraid that he won't understand that I'm being sincere.

Through this experience the last two years with Chino I've been scared beyond belief that he's going to give up on me and just think I'm so damn stupid, but you guys for all that he worries and all that I'm not sure he understands or perhaps thinks I'm just a stupid kid, he's STAYED WITH ME and he tries his best to show me respect. He's earned a trust in me these last two years, a trust that even though I still worry some I really don't think he's going to leave me.

I don't have words to express how much I appreciate him sticking with me and I wish there was a way for me to tell him or show him but even after all these years, and klonopin, and trust, and the fact that I love him so greatly, I still find myself at a loss to find a way. I can never seem to find my voice.

I still feel like a kid with him and so much of the time I just stare at him and think it's so cool that he would ever want to hang out with me and I feel so lucky that he does.

When he looks me in the eyes I swear he has the most piercing stare, it feels like he can see right through me and see everything I've never told him. He reduces me to a big glop of goo and I always try to play so cool and look back into his eyes like I'm brave and I'm something.

I guess I should explain, a little late in this post, but I'll explain that it's not HIM that makes me feel so inferior or stupid. He always tells me that I can talk to him, he's always there for me when it's important for him to be, he never says or does ANYTHING to make me feel like the slack jawed 5 year old or the crazy teenage girl, it's just how I am.

Sometimes I wonder if he doesn't think I'm SO weird. He doesn't get to see me when I'm with my friends or mom or at work - I'm funny! I make jokes and I'm laid back and I'm the person people trust and the one they come to when somethings going on. He's the type of guy that EVERYONE likes, he's the one that's always joking and is always funny but will be serious and so stable and there for you if you need it. One of his nick-names is Chuckles. :) He's always finding a reason to smile or laugh, he's easy to amuse and so laid back and every time I see something in myself that is like him I feel SO proud that I'm in some way like the man that is so larger than life to me. I've grown to love him with this kind of love that's not for just a friend but one that's not ALWAYS been there. It's this love that is like that between a father and daughter but one that has been EARNED. It's different and hard to explain.

My goodness if I can't tell him that I simply appreciate his stories of family and my mom then can you IMAGINE what comes to mind when I want to tell him how proud I am to be anything like him and how much I honestly love him? Yeah I go a tad blank.

AHHHHH!! And I WANT TO, I WANT him to know how much he is to me and I want him to be so proud of himself and know that there's always somebody on his team and somebody that thinks he's just the neatest thing since sliced bread. I wish there was a way for me to convey how much he means to me and to get ALL of this crazy stuff off my chest and to have him know that every word is sincere.

That's what scares me the most, the he won't know that everything I have to say about how I feel for him is the truth.

So, here I am, ranting and writing on and on going in circles with closed lips like usual. I saw him yesterday and I had trouble coming up with anything intelligent to say at all. I just mutely stare at him and love him in my own quiet weirdo way. It's so frustrating. I just sit here and cry and wish I could speak but instead I write. Sometimes when I think about it I muster up some guts but when I get anywhere NEAR him I lose all my nerve.

Why is it that when it comes to the most important people we can be so dumb? How can it be possible to love someone so much but at the same time not be able to speak or show it? REALLY !?

I just want him to know.


Ima Wurdibitsch said...

Lindy, just share this blog post with him. I could feel the love you have for him in every sentence.

He's really lucky to have you for a daughter.

Lindy said...

Ima I'd die. What if he thinks I'm an asshole for coming out and telling everyone on the INTERNET but not him? And then thinks that I can't possibly be sincere?

Oh lord, you're nice to give me the advice but I swear I'm hopeless.

If I ever did share it with him though, I have a question, did the 5 yr old and the teenage girl anology(s) make any sense to you?

Do you think he'd get it I mean?

Ryan said...

I can see a moment happening where you start to tell him all of this, but are having difficulty. The Chuckles puts his hands on your arms and says "I know baby girl, I know." And then you guys hug and cry. So really all you'd have to do is start.

Don't tell him by E-card though.

Krissie said...

Just send him an e-mail saying you have this blog in which you will be writing about your life in Mexico so he can check up on you here if he feels like.
See, that way you won't be telling him: COME READ MY POST ABOUT YOU! but be a tad more subtle. tell him you won't be able to talk to him so often or see him as often when you move but you'd still like to have him in your life and reading your blog is one of the ways.

Lindy said...

Ryan - :) Ok now I love you. :P Will he give me a worthers original candy too? And yeah E-card would be kinda bad huh? People never have their speakers turned up to hear the music and nothing makes sense and it just all gets ruined. :P

Krissie - :P He caught me on my dirty blog (thanx step-mom!) (on like my WORST post ever too btw) so he might be a tad scared by the whole thing, lol. And then what if he comes and reads the comments and feels lame because I'm talking to strangers about this and not him? See? I'm entirely hopeless, I should be put to sleep like a lame horse.

Krissie said...

Oh for fuck's sake, just delete these comments.

Lindy said...

Oh my gawd Krissie you are the best internet gal pal, I love you you know that? Like for real and shit, you're so cool and wonderful and shit.

AHH!!! LOOK I can tell YOU that! AHHH !!!

Krissie said...

Technically, you WROTE you love me.
Just like you'll be doing with your Dad. And see, you're already awesome at it so just e-mail him.

Ima Wurdibitsch said...

I completely got what you were saying about the 5-year-old / teenager thing.

I'll tell you something else. If one of my kids or step-kids wrote something like this and I saw it, I would love it. I would be flattered that what they felt was so strong they didn't care who (internet strangers included) knew it.... but I'm cool like that. ;-)

Besides, if he read your other stuff and didn't pass out immediately, he can handle this.

Lindy said...

Krissie, OKAYYYYYYY :)

IMA - Rock out, thank you. AND Thank You, and LMAO, Thank You :) I'm gonna work up some guts and e-mail him the link.