Tuesday, October 28, 2008

How I Got Here

I just spent an hour and a half trying to submit an application online and then Windows STINKING CRAAAAP VISTA tells me that they no longer support html or web-based e-mails. EXCUSE ME??? Oh F-U VISTA YOU PEICE OF SHIT ! CRAAAAAPPPPP.

So. I tried to sign up for Vistas version but it was confusing and just not do-able. THEN it said if I went through some rig-a-ma-ro I COULD make a way to use my yahoo, I just had to fill out some stuff. So I filled out some stuff - AND IT TELLS ME I have to have the non-free version of Yahoo. FUCK THAT! So I tried to sign up for a Hotmail account - just. so. I. can. send. this. damn. application. And what do I get after filling out the form??? HMMM???? "ERROR, we're sorry our website is experiencing a temporary error. Please try again. 3 tries later?? FUCK YOU MICROSOFT AND YOUR PIECE OF SHIT VISTA ! I HAAAATTEEE YOU.

Ahem. Excuse me.


Anyways, here's the start of my story about coming to Mexico. I'm frazzled and retarded right now so it's not up to my usual par of mediocre, but you'll get the point. (and p.s. bloggers spell check isn't working so you can all see just how regtarded I am - awesome)

Ugh. Death to Vista. - And does anybody else want to make out with the Apple Computer Commercial guy? I think I might, don't tell C. :P

I made it, I made it to mexico, I'm here, I live here. Holy damn and shit. WOW you know?

Frankie my friend from work and his testy teenage daughter and I drove down starting on a Wendsday at about noon and didn't arrive at the border till midnight thursday (well, friday then? blah) anyhoo, it was a long as hell drive and would have been a lot shorter but the traffic from Dallas all the way to San Antonio (like over a hundred miles) was during rain and was pretty much one gigantic traffic jam.

It was insane. Aparently people in TX think rain means that armaggedan MAAYYY be coming and they should therefore drive like total morons and go 20mph. I don't get it, but whatever.

I felt so bad for my cats and dog, my cats wouldn't eat drink or go to the bathroom and thought I could get Sassy (Sassy is my "new" dog - no I didn't name her after Sassy Blondie, she came named :P) to eat (only out of my hand and only food that I chewed up and spit out) but not so much on the bathroom front.

The second day big kitty puked up white foam all over Frankies daughter (hahahhahah) and I was so worried she was dehydrated and was going to die or something. (she lived, no brain damage, she's already retarded)

Down about 120 miles from the border in the middle of KNOWHERE on a knowhere road we stopped off to consult the map and then my car wouldn't start - that was scary. My trusy battery starter saved the day though and we were on our way.

I was so damn tired when we finaly got to the border. I left frankie and brit at a hotel with my car and cleaned out the van (I had quite a melange of food and dog stuff and papers going on) started to translate the inventory sheet that I thought I would need for the border the sheed that I THOUGHT I would have had a half a day to do - BUT NOOOO (thanx traffic jam) and promptly gave up. It was too long and I was too tired, it was in Gods hands at that point.

I prayed over and over and over (for weeks) for some sort of miracle at the border - them just waving me through or making me pay a mordita (bribe) or SOMETHING, just something to let me pass.

So - what happened? HA !! I can't hardly believe it, omg (Mom, omg means Oh My God, you'll catch on, love u!) you guys. I pulled up to the border, paid my bridge fare and went on to the PASS or Go part and got PASSED THROUGH - I was thinking HOLY CRAP they're not even going to SEARCH ME (in my giant filled to the roof cargo van) this is AWESOME !!! - when a man with a big gun started flashing his flashlight at me - to stop. Shit.

He asked me to get out, asked me if I speak spanish - no - and started asking me just what the heck I was DOING in Mexico in the middle of the night with a big ole van. I told him I was coming to be with my husband - a mexican - and the guy seemed relieved. I told him that my husband was waiting right there for me and waved to C. to come over. Lol C. and I had our 2 month gone reunion with a border guard and his Ak-47, we kind of looked at each other with big scared eyes and just said hi.

The border guard was happy that C. was there because he could speak spanish. And what happened next? Pure Mexico, Mexico at it's finest. :P

Border Gaurd -
"This is your husband?"
"Yes, we have our I.D.'s and I have our marrige certificate if you'd like to see."
"No, that's ok."
(To C. in spanish) -
What is all this stuff?"
""It's all our things, we're moving here."

"You're moving to Mexico?"
"Yes, right here in Reynosa."
"Huh." "You're not going to sell this stuff?"
"You're not going to leave Reynosa with it?"

He asked us to open up the back and asked me what was in the violin and guitar cases - lol - no guns, (Mom, lol means "laugh out loud") - I really do play music. After that he asked to see the front where my dog was and I told him that I had a dog.

"I have all her papers and her international certificate of health here for you, would you like to see?"
*Blink* (in my head, no EFFING WAY ! I paid a lot for those PAPERS!! SHHHIIIIIIIIT)
(To C.) "Do you have any electronics, t.v.'s?" (not allowed to bring them in the country)
"Yeeeaaahhhh, for our house."
"You're not going to sell them?"
"Okay." "Go ahead."

And that was it. We just stood there for a second in amazment and he had to kind of shoo us away and out of our daze. My god after all the worrying and praying and almost worrying ourselves sick reading about the crazyness about what it's like to get your things accross the border and all you have to go through - that was it.

Basicaly we had a shit-load of stuff, it was late, the guy was talking with his friends and he just plain didn't feel like going to all the trouble of follwing the rules. Pure. Mexico. Slightly scary as we could have had ANYTHING packed in there beyond his view, but luckily for the country the scariest thing I brought in were my Stephen King books. And some old busted underwear - you know all your draws aint pretty bitches - but that's a story for a different day.

We drove to our new home, unloaded everything, I went back to TX to get my car and my cats, came back, got PASSED again - and this time didn't even get a second look. Good thing I got all those important kitty cat health papers. Good heavens. Ah well, at least the bastards won't be dying on me.

My first 3 minutes in Mexico and it pretty much sums up the country. Insane? Corrupt? I like to think of it as laid back.


Krissie said...

Go and sell that TV now! Buy yourself a sombrero - you earned it, girl!

Also, chewing dog's food? Um, EWW?

Upstate Broad said...

First, the guy in the Apple commercials is available - he just broke up with Drew Barrymore. His name is (I think) Justin Long.

And stories like yours about Vista are why the Big Guy and I are planning on our next computer being an Apple.

Also, I second that EWW!

Lindy said...

Krissie - lol, I was chewing human food and spitting it out for her, not dog food :P :) but yeah :P

And dag gummit I do not want a sombrero.

Upstate - OMG he was dating DREW BARRYMORE?? NUH UH !! And yes, vista is stoopid. And lame. And stooooopid.
And dag gummit it was human food! :)

Krissie said...

How can you not want a sombrero?! What kind of a Mexican wife are you? You, m'lady, are a disgrace.

Peggy said...

It never fails. You do all the prep work, have all your documents in order and do everything right and you dont really need it. If you were flying by the seat of your pants and had nothing you'd be asked for it. never fails

Lindy said...

Krissie - I am certainly an abomination. But what about my Hillbilly roots? My Ghetto Heritage too? It's so hard being so multi-facited.


gufawwww :P

Peggy - LOL ! :) Well thank goodness I got accross :) It's kind of like packing for a trip and bringing 24 outfits and 12 pairs of shoes - and ending up wearing the same shorts and pair of busted sandles for 6 days :P