Thursday, September 25, 2008

I've experienced just the tip of the iceberg (or cactus I guess I should say) when it comes to Mexican culture. They're right THERE next to us on our border but my goodness the second you step over the line it really is a different world.

Small shops that feature things for witches and herbalists are ALL OVER the place down there - and until going I really didn't know things like that exist. Yeah, I've heard of the voodoo stuff in New Orleans but damn, these people seem to honestly be IN TO it.

I love the shops like the ones above. (click the pic it get's big and you can see shit) It's got everything from devil worship to beautiful Mother Mary's and just a CRAZY amount of potions and elixirs and herbs (and apparently a baby stroller :P) for people to choose from. I'm not really into that sort of thing but I am intensely curious about the herbs and potions and what-not and what they're supposed to cure.

They do love Kentucky Fried Chicken down there - maybe it has something to do with the 11 herbs and spices. - gufaww-

For real though, check out this mo-fo! I don't have my memory card so I can't blow up this damn picture properly but in front of this dude there is a big glass of water with 3 limes floating in it.

Like, not sliced limes for drinking, but some weird witch mexican voo-doo shit. Isn't that NEATO???

I was reading a book about mexican culture this week and a woman was telling a story about how her neighbor was pissed at her for opening up a store in her house - so the neighbor went to a Bruja (witch) and the bruja gave her a spell to do. The lady comes out of her house one morning to find scrambled raw eggs in the shape of a star in front of her house on the road. SHIT !! Naturally the lady went to a bruja of her OWN and got a counter spell. (naturally of course)

I wonder if I'll have people putting bruja hits out on me because I'm white and I'm going to blast some Evanescence and Toby Keith out in my back yard?

Chino isn't totally exempt from all of this. When I first met him I remember he was having some kidney problems - he said they hurt - and he told me that he went to an mexican herbalist in Chicago who gave him some -herbs- and told him to drink a lot of water. I of course in all of my gigantic-western-medicine-white-ness had a flying flip and told him that he'd die if he took those herbs and he NEEDED TO GO to a damn doctor. It was too late though, he had already taken them and was in fact - fine. Huh.

A while later he had a sore tooth and our neighbor lady gave him a poultice to pack around it in his mouth. I screamed "FREAKS" again but he did it and it did help him with the pain. I decided right there that I'd be making my own poultices for him now on. The next time he gets a bad tooth I'm going to grind up some harmless basil or grass or something and mix it with a good ole dose of AMBESOL. I'll get me a little "potion" booklet and his ass will never know. Problem. Solved. I'm open minded and curious but I'm not risking him putting BRUJA knows what in his body.

Now, let's talk animal sacrifices. THIS shit will REALLY freak you out! I guess they DID come form the Aztecs so it sort of makes sense why they'd adapt into it but - Ok, okaayy so this was in a restaurant (in a MALL) and they were just cooking strung-up goat. Talk about a damn surprise though - "Hey sweetie want to stop in to JC Penny's for a sec? Oh your hungry, alright let's check out this little cafe." I'll stick with american food courts thank you very much. Damn.

Mexico is going to be interesting if anything. I hope I can make friends with a witch. That'd be cool.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

It's For Real Now

Like, it's official now, after giving my bosses 6 months notice with a fuzzy date to call it quits - I've actually come up with one. I talked to C. and even my parents and it's FOR REAL now.

And God I don't want it to be. I don't want to leave my mom and dad and other dad and lil brother and this job that I actually like coming to every day. And my bestest friend since forever - jaybird. I don't want to go with like 99% of the fibers in my being but I am.

I think it's harder now because we've spent so much time apart, it's not like I still don't love him like crazy, but after so LONG, you sort of get used to things. I guess I'm used to being alone again, but I know, I know that if I didn't go I'd be sick. He really is the one for me, and God I just wish I could get that FEELING in me so strong like it's always been. I need that crazy love INSANE PULL of a feeling to get me through this you know? I need to channel what it was like every time I had to leave him in Mexico this summer on my visits. I need to remember how heart wrenching it was to get on a plane and tell him it'd be alright we'd be together soon.

{{{{ I'm back I had to go outside and cry for a while, dramatic, I know }}}}}

I'm gonna miss my momma. That's what's really getting me today. She's got the best smile and the warmest softest hug you could ever imagine and even though we'll have the web-cam which I'm so very thankful for I'm not gonna be able to HUG her. We've gone far beyond mother/daughter the last few years and strait into best friend territory. I know we'll still be able to talk but damn it I just, aw hell. I'm gonna start to bawl again and I'm at work.

How do all of the college kids that get jobs like 8 states away as soon as their done with school do this? I know like 8 people from my class that actually stayed around here and the rest are all far far away from their families. I'm like a bird that left the nest but not the branch.

Next week is my last week at my job, and I'm staying around another week after that to spend time with family and pack. Then on the 13th or 14th I'll be on my way.

I foresee a lot of tissue and crappy tearful posts. Ugh.

Monday, September 22, 2008

I Don't Have Cancer

How friggin bad ass and cool is THAT !!?? Praise be to da LAWWD !

Ummmm OH !! And C. found us a HOUSE !! EEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Although, I might want to strangle him a .. . . . TAD.

He called me up a few days ago to tell me that he found the perfect place (yay ! exciting !) and mentioned that it's only a 1/2 mile from his aunts house. Cool ! But then I remembered that his Aunts house like TOTALLY floods (her entire street actually) when it rains for more than a couple of hours. So I asked "Uh... is it on high ground? You know because of the rains and flooding and stuff???"

He told me that it's like 1/2 way down a hill but not at the bottom and that he thought it would be just hunky dory. If my memory serves correct his Aunts house is about 1/2 way down a sloped road and it floods like a motha-focka. Drainage in Mexico consists of rain draining and gathering in the streets and running down the hills of streets until if finds a river and dumps out. Here's an artists rendition. Check this bitches skillzzz.

Uhh... you get the picture. I witnessed it the last time I was down there, it's like a gigantic frightening street wide yucky water slide. His aunt said that they had water come up into their house a couple of years ago and that a few cars floated down the road but that was about it.

He thought we'd be fine because we're a couple streets up and little more up hill in general than her aunt. When he showed his cousin where he found us a place his cousin informed him that sorry cuuzz, you're on a water slide street too.

For real babe? I ASKED YOU THIS !!! REMEMBER!!???

I asked him about 42,000 questions and he came up with this - " Well,,, I already gave her the deposit, we'll just see what it's like the first time, maybe it won't be that bad, and if it is then we can move. Eeets not expensive to move."

Ha ! HAAHHH AHAHHAAHAHAH !! OH Silly SILLY AMORCITO !! I had a hissy and told him "Oh, so we can move AFTER all of our things have been RUINED !?? REALLY !!???" (somebody was pissy) And GEEE maybe my car has always wanted to PRACTICE BEING A SURF BOARD. Awesome!!

I told him to go back and talk to the lady - and then never mind that because she'll lie - and instead to go back and talk to the NEIGHBORS. For heavens sake. Shit.

I wouldn't have been so flipped out but I ASKED HIM about it specifically and he just waved me off. I'm not a bitch to wave off damn it.

Ah well, I badgered him into going back and talking to the neighbors and really REALLY had to badger him into understanding that he WILL get our money back if it turns out to be shitty. You'd think I was asking him to shoot her, I don't GET that.

Anyways, I had my hissy and got things done and then told him that I'm still very proud of him and I know he's being very brave and that I love him 10,000 times and always will even when he's a jack ass. That's love folks, through smarts and jack-ass-e-tees, it goes for everything.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

I Have Jackass ESP

Okay, so not really, but I CAN read Chino like a book.

Before C. and I got married (okay like the day before :P ) I informed him that I am a princess and that he had to promise to one day properly propose to me and then marry me again. A lot of girls dream about their wedding day but I've dreamt much more about just being proposed to. I've imagined for years and years all the different, cool, exciting and unique ways that my future man would go about it. I've had hundreds of proposal fantasies and I won't lie, I was a little sad when I realized that it was never going to happen.

BUT ! Then I remembered my new-found princess-ness (i was never a princess or spoiled before C.) and I decided to test the waters with my request. C. of course took my hands and shakily told me how much he loved me and that I deserve to have my day and that he wanted the same thing. He promised me, I believed him and I pushed my sadness away.

We actually started to plan a pretend wedding - it would have been this exact month. We had my parents that raised me over for dinner and C. mustered up all his nerve and asked my Dad for my hand. My Dad told him that once he took me he couldn't bring me back. And then he asked C. if he had seen me in the morning and if he knew what a monster I am in the a.m. I love my Dad :P C. was so nervous that he took my dad serious (lolololol) and kept trying to tell my Dad seriously that he wouldn't try and give me back and that he loved me and wanted me forever - all the while my dad's still making jokes and my mom and I were trying not to pee our pants. Omg.

I asked a friend of mine - a good actor - to *ahem* officiate the "wedding." We were going to pretend like it was the first time - HA, I wonder what my father chuckles would have had to say about all that! I'm betting he would have just let it be, bless his heart. We would have gone through with it, I had so much figured out, music, caterer guest list and more, but it wasn't meant to be and I'm ok with that, in fact I think it was for the best. I never would have got to have the conversation I had with my bio-dad the day before yesterday and I wouldn't have got to screw up C's first attempt at my dream proposal.

Oh yes. Did I mention I can read him like a book? GAHHHH sometimes I read too much and speak too fast.

On my 2nd visit to Monterrey Mx this summer C. and I sought out a beautiful park in the heart of the city. It's lovely, stunning really, and they have boat rides that take you down a scenic lighted, art-drenched canal through the city.

When we first got there I was totally geeked, it looked SO COOL and pretty and I thought it was just what we needed after our stressful trip. We checked out the different boats - they had a tourist type boat that held about 25 people and then off to the side they had special two person gondola style with
the gondola man and everything - for lovers.

I made C. check out the price on the love boat for us but it was a tad expensive and my cheap heart couldn't justify the price. C. got us our tickets for the touristy ride and we waited around, took some pictures and stood in line for quite a while to wait for the next boat to come. It was then that I finally noticed that he was quiet and looked kind of sick. I asked him what was wrong a couple of times and he kept telling me nothing. Yeah, I can tell when there's something wrong and saying "Nothing" just turns me into a badger, I will FIND the problem. I kept pestering him (sorry can't help myself) and finally he just kind of broke out with

"Maybe we should go anahder day, de line is long, we don't have to wait if you don't want to."


I wasn't quite "on the boat" and I was still enthusiastic about the ride so I told him that'd be crazy, we'd already been waiting like 20 minutes and the next boat was sure to be coming soon.

He tried again "But... we're tired and it's light out and I heard that it's much more nice in the dark so you can see all the lights, we should just come back some other day." (it really is beautiful)

"You've heard about this place?"

"Jeahhh my family tol me maybe I should take you on it sometime because it's beautiful."

"Awww that was nice of them ! "

"Jeaaahhhhhh." "But they said we should go at night."

"So why didn't we come at night?"

"Wayel I deedn't know exactly where it was yet." "Can't we just come back?"

"Our tickets say they're only good for today, why are you being so weird? We could just hang around till later if you want to go at dark."

"Jeeaaahhh but that's a long time away."

"So, it doesn't matter, it's just you and me and we can do what we want, walk around the park and stuff."

At this point he got all fidgety and squirrely and he just looked SO distraught and even though we'd never talked about him proposing to me since before we married the idea finally popped into my head.

I thought about the lovers gondola and how pained he was - not at the price it seemed now, but at the fact that I had SEEN it and how weirded out he was about going on the more turisty ride. That and his wacked out behaviour and the look of sickness on his face and I just knew.

Could I keep it to myself and just go along and say "Oh you're right baby let's DO come back another day." ?? Oh no, heavens no.
I went with this -

"OH ! OHMYGOD is this the place you were going to PROPOSE TO ME AT !??? EEEE!!???"

Chino started to turn pale and sick and he was almost in tears and he couldn't speak.

"OOoohhhhhhhh so, yeah, I guessed right huh?"

Oh god bless him and curse my big mouth :P

I took him into my arms and hugged him and told him how very much I loved him and that I LOVED his idea and I LOVED the way he was going to do it and I was sorry I ruined it. He was so shaken up but he told me not to be sorry, it wasn't my fault of course - god bless him he's not a cry-er and he was trying so hard not to become one. I kept telling him over and over that it was a wonderful idea and that I would have truly loved it.

It took a bit of doing to get him out of devastated mode and to get him to explain that he was planning on doing it the next time I came down and that he didn't realize that THIS was the park his family told him about. :P Dork. He finally lightened up and told me he'd figure out something even better for the next time I came .

HA ! No way - I told him he COULDN'T do it the next time I came because I'd KNOW he was going to do it and that would ruin the surprise. I told him he'd have to wait till another trip or perhaps when we were settled in after the move. (okay so I'm a little pushy, but he agreed with me after I said it so whatever :P )

God I was honestly just SO HAPPY that he remembered his promise and that he was planning to follow through with my proper proposal and I felt (and feel) so lucky to have been blessed with the romantic man I'd always dreamed of.

I'd move to any country for this man and some day I'm going to have a story to tell you guys about when he get's to do his proposal (I promise I'll keep my mouth shut the next time - no matter WHAT I can read in his head) :P

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

I'm Married

Yeeeaaaahhhh uh. Just so ya know. I've told a few of you that I trust from my other blog but for the last ALMOST 2 years I've been pretending like C. and I are engaged.

Cuz I couldn't tell my parents.

Or, at least I didn't THINK I could tell them.

When C. got into his first go-round with La Migra we had been together for 1 month and 3 weeks. I was already crazy about him and he was already in LOOOOVVVVEEEE with me so at 1 month 3 weeks and 3 days I told him that I'd marry him if it meant keeping him in the country. It was my offer, he never would have asked.

I told my boss, my bff Jaybird and my other friend and co-worker Frankie. I would have gone it without telling anybody - I KNEW how insane it sounded and I'm usually a pretty bright person that doesn't go flying off the deep end you know? - but I needed witnesses. I told those that KNEW (which ended up being my entire office because my boss has a big mouth) that it was OKAY because if it turned out we weren't perfect for each other I'd just divorce his ass quietly and it'd be FINE.

One side of my family was in such an uproar that they were hounding me to LEAVE HIS ASS so I couldn't bring myself to tell them, I was just too sure at the time that they would disown me and I loved them too much to risk that. My other family were ok with C. but damn, uhhhhhh getting married after 2 months? I didn't want them to think I had lost it, I didn't want them to be worried about me.

So. On November 30th 2006 I went to work, did my job and my boss and I and Frankie left a couple of hours early (with the flowers she bought me at the grocery store (I will always be grateful for those flowers) ) and headed off to the court house.

It was hard but not as hard as I thought. I had always ALWAYS imagined both of my Dads walking me down the isle in a church and my mom in the front row crying and.... well you know. But I was so very much in love with mi corazon.

Chino and I found a quiet corner where we went to pray for ourselves and our marriage and a short time later a kindly judge came to get us.

:) Oh God my baby was SO nervous he had a hard time repeating the vows, the judge had to repeat a few times for him because his english super-skillz went strait out the window. Bless his heart he was just a shaking :) The judge read us the traditional vows that I had always wanted and for that I was very thankful, I wanted to say to have and to hold for better or worse and I got to. And we have.

It's been almost two years and we've been through SO MUCH, so much separation (against our will of course) and worrying every day of our marriage for one reason to the next and stress from my family and everything else that comes to newlywed po-folk. :)

But I'll be damned if we didn't know what we were doing WAS right. Our love has GROWN over the last two years no matter what has been thrown at us. Every once in a while he'll say or do something so small but it's like the last drop in the bucket and my heart overflows and I get this FEELING inside, overwhelming, and I have to tell him "Oh ! I love you MORE again!" :) It grows, this kind of love grows, not getting stale or week after 2 or 3 months like you hear people do in beginning relationships.

As time goes on and we get more and more comfortable with each other he's become not less but MORE romantic with me. He's less afraid to show his crazy love for me in his silly ways now because he knows that I might giggle :P but I'd never laugh at him. So when he wants to bust out on the phone in a spontaneous off-key love song in spanish - because he JUST CAN'T hold it in - he feels free and I love him all the more. He showers me with praises and for once in my life I believe them. I believe that I am his tesoro and cielo and vida and corazon and luz and sol and amiga and amante. (treasure, sky, life, heart, light, sun, friend and lover) I beleive it when he tells me I'm beautiful and perfect for him in every way even when I'm "Peeesy."

So, why tell you all now? Aw shit. Well, when we were married we requested not to have it published in the papers (obviously) but I guess - or I know because my Father Chuckles told me last night - that sometimes parents just KNOW things or can sense that they are going to happen.

And you only have to pay 10$ for anybody's public records.

And my step-mom is kinda internet savey.


Last night after my biopsy I felt like being with my Father Chuckles and I asked him about something a little fishy he said the other day. I won't go into all of it but he and I beat around the bush and ran in circles around one another last night for a long time and now I know that he knows.

He never came out and asked me or said it and neither did I, I was planning on taking this to my grave so it's a little hard to SAY to him - and you guys know how I am about SAYING things to him anyways - :P but we both made enough sideways references - and finally a lot of jokes :) that the truth is finally out in the open. I feel like some kind of bastard that he's KNOWN for two years that I'm a lying sack of shit but I'm also comforted because he also KNEW - through is parent intuition I guess, WHY I did it.

He doesn't hate me he never disowned me and he can even laugh about it. I feel bad that it hurt him that I didn't think I could tell him, but he understands that a little bit too. I am so grateful for this man and all he's put up with in me. I love him so very much.

I wonder now if I should just tell my other parents. They don't read my site because they're not on the internet yet, but it just seems so wrong now. Ah well, that's for another day. As for today . . wow. Just wow.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Biopsy Today

Dang it I'm so nervous.

I'm nervous because for the first time in my life I had a doctor actually come out and SAY "This is going to hurt."

Usually it's "Oh, it'll only be like a bee sting" HA!! -OR- "This may cause some discomfort." YYYOWWWWZZAA !!!!

But today she actually told me to take a couple of Aleve an hour before I come to "help with the pain a little bit." Well fuck. Really? Shit. OW.

They're going to test for cervical cancer. Everything else has been ruled out and I don't even have HPV but at this point it's either I've got somethin funny in there that's benign - or not.

For someone my age it's RARE, like a lot rare for a chick my age to have cervical cancer, so that's nice. But gall dernit it doesn't stop me from worrying my pants off like a crazy lady.

My god I actually did laundry and cleaned and packed and threw away a bunch of stuff and sorted out clothes for GoodWill last night. (Uh, I clean when I'm nervous, our office is spotless today)

I know it's only a small chance but damn it, I used to PRAY when I was younger to be infertile. Like for real, I detested the idea of having children THAT much. And then I met C. and he made me consider babies, and now when I look into his eyes and he smiles at me and tells me I'm everything he's ever wanted (and I know it's the same for me) and that I'm his "tesoro" (treasure) and "Mi Vida" (my life) and "Mi Cielo" (my sky) and then he laughs and says he can't wait to have a "Peeeessey leetle girl just like jew Chaquita" my damn uterus drops out and sends signals to my brain in protest that it is empty.

The idea of kids still scares me, I can't imagine being good at it - my god I know ZIP about kids, I've never even changed a diaper, and I like a lot of alone time dang it.

But C. would make a crapping-WONDERFUL father and I can't help but imagine us in a few years when everything is settled down and we've had more time together to really BE together and not have to worry all the time - and picture a little half-breed in the making. I'll bet we'd have one hell of a crazy and fun time together raising a little pale-glasses needing-allergic-to-everything-gonna-need-braces-and-a-dermatologist-and-lots-of-exercise lil jumping bean.

It says in the Good Book that God won't give us more than we can handle so I'm gonna have to go with the fact that I must be just fine. I've probably got a wild bunch of cysts that are all friendly and that's it.

Because I can't handle cervical cancer right now and there's no way I could handle losing the ability to have kids. I'm at my wits very last end just trying to move and pull myself far away from my family, I can't take any more.

For heavens sake LISTEN to me I'm all super dramatic and WIGGED out right now and I don't even know ANYTHING yet. I can't deal God, don't even let me try. Please. (and thank you in advance, amen)

So that's that for today. It's probably NOTHING at all (besides the pain factor - OW!) but I'm worried anyways. Cuz I can be. So there. If any of you guys pray, well, that could be cool you know. Like, I'd appreciate it and stuff. :)

Okay, enough flipping out, I'm off, you guys have a good one and thank you for reading all of my drama, you are the best blog pals ever. Just so you know.

Monday, September 15, 2008

My Father Chuckles

I met the father that helped "make" me when I was 14. My mom told me about my Dad situation from when I was so young, that there was never a time I can't remember ever not knowing. I knew that I had the daddy that was raising me and that there was another dad out there, one that wasn't a bad man, he didn't leave or abandon me he didn't hate my mom and my mom didn't hate him, he was the man that made me and he had another life.

When I was 14 I was working my first job and a close family friend that was my supervisor was actually DATING this other dad. She got it in her head that we should meet and he nor I had an objection. God I can remember it like YESTERDAY. He's a big man and he has a wonderful kind smile that turns his size into a teddy bear. I met him and that first day he asked me to "pull my finger" so he could fart. HA ! I do believe I fell in love right there. :)

14 is young but over the years I learned through my mom and later him what the real deal was. It's a long story that I won't go into but all 3 of my parents did what they thought was best for me and I have nothing but the utmost respect for all of them.

The thing about meeting a parent later in life though, is that you have to work at loving them. It's not like the natural love that happens between a child and parent or child and who ever raises them from birth. Once you're older it's like any other relationship, it's getting to know the other person from scratch, seeing what they're like, what kind of person they are and if you even like them. It's like making a friend, but with this weird . . . I don't want to say obligation, but it's something that makes you try a little harder.

It's been especially hard for me, or used to be because of my anxiety disorder. I think between meeting him as a teenager - when you're already so unsure of yourself, and with me not being on anxiety med. at the time (not till many years later) that it was indeed harder than it could have been.

Luckily for me I knew that I liked my Dad right from the beggining, Oh my GOSH I thought he was SO cool and SO nice and so smart and funny and just EVERYTHING you guys. (and I still do) He's one of the neatest people I've ever met but for such a long time I was so afraid to speak barely at all with him. It's hard to explain, but it's like he's larger than life and every time I've ever seen him I feel instantly reduced to that of a 5 year old standing in line to meet their childhood hero waiting to shake their hand, and when the time comes to say something witty and funny to the hero of course the 5 year old just stands there bug-eyed and slack jawed like an idiot.

GOD even now, after a few years of being on Klonopin I STILL feel like that. The best explanation I can come up with, truly, is that of a teenage girl and how she would act with the cutest boy in school that she has THE biggest crush on. I don't mean that in a weird or gross way, it's just the same tongue-tied want him to like me SO MUCH, not wanting to say something stupid and inevitably DOING so, every time - kind of thing.

You'd think it would get better with time, and it does some, but I've noticed that over the last couple of years when we've got to know each other a lot better than before, and I know that I DO like him as a person and I respect him SO much and I'm so impressed with him and that I HAVE come to Love him, that I find myself more tongue tied than ever.

We've gone hunting together and he's told me stories about his grandparents and when he was a kid. I always want to tell him that I love every word and I'm so glad that he shares with me, but I end up just sitting there like a bump on a log. He teaches me about hunting and fishing and I soak up every word and I remember the things he tells me and I think he's so damn smart and I want to tell him so, but I'm so afraid that he won't understand that I'm being sincere.

Through this experience the last two years with Chino I've been scared beyond belief that he's going to give up on me and just think I'm so damn stupid, but you guys for all that he worries and all that I'm not sure he understands or perhaps thinks I'm just a stupid kid, he's STAYED WITH ME and he tries his best to show me respect. He's earned a trust in me these last two years, a trust that even though I still worry some I really don't think he's going to leave me.

I don't have words to express how much I appreciate him sticking with me and I wish there was a way for me to tell him or show him but even after all these years, and klonopin, and trust, and the fact that I love him so greatly, I still find myself at a loss to find a way. I can never seem to find my voice.

I still feel like a kid with him and so much of the time I just stare at him and think it's so cool that he would ever want to hang out with me and I feel so lucky that he does.

When he looks me in the eyes I swear he has the most piercing stare, it feels like he can see right through me and see everything I've never told him. He reduces me to a big glop of goo and I always try to play so cool and look back into his eyes like I'm brave and I'm something.

I guess I should explain, a little late in this post, but I'll explain that it's not HIM that makes me feel so inferior or stupid. He always tells me that I can talk to him, he's always there for me when it's important for him to be, he never says or does ANYTHING to make me feel like the slack jawed 5 year old or the crazy teenage girl, it's just how I am.

Sometimes I wonder if he doesn't think I'm SO weird. He doesn't get to see me when I'm with my friends or mom or at work - I'm funny! I make jokes and I'm laid back and I'm the person people trust and the one they come to when somethings going on. He's the type of guy that EVERYONE likes, he's the one that's always joking and is always funny but will be serious and so stable and there for you if you need it. One of his nick-names is Chuckles. :) He's always finding a reason to smile or laugh, he's easy to amuse and so laid back and every time I see something in myself that is like him I feel SO proud that I'm in some way like the man that is so larger than life to me. I've grown to love him with this kind of love that's not for just a friend but one that's not ALWAYS been there. It's this love that is like that between a father and daughter but one that has been EARNED. It's different and hard to explain.

My goodness if I can't tell him that I simply appreciate his stories of family and my mom then can you IMAGINE what comes to mind when I want to tell him how proud I am to be anything like him and how much I honestly love him? Yeah I go a tad blank.

AHHHHH!! And I WANT TO, I WANT him to know how much he is to me and I want him to be so proud of himself and know that there's always somebody on his team and somebody that thinks he's just the neatest thing since sliced bread. I wish there was a way for me to convey how much he means to me and to get ALL of this crazy stuff off my chest and to have him know that every word is sincere.

That's what scares me the most, the he won't know that everything I have to say about how I feel for him is the truth.

So, here I am, ranting and writing on and on going in circles with closed lips like usual. I saw him yesterday and I had trouble coming up with anything intelligent to say at all. I just mutely stare at him and love him in my own quiet weirdo way. It's so frustrating. I just sit here and cry and wish I could speak but instead I write. Sometimes when I think about it I muster up some guts but when I get anywhere NEAR him I lose all my nerve.

Why is it that when it comes to the most important people we can be so dumb? How can it be possible to love someone so much but at the same time not be able to speak or show it? REALLY !?

I just want him to know.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

What Did Our Grandparents Do?

It's funny that the year I'm moving down to live in another country is the year that I've become the most patriotic for my home country. Well, if patriotic is the right word for it, I don't know what it is really. I guess it's just that I actually THINK about the things going on right now, that I care so much about our men and women fighting so far away in a war that so many people don't support.

Our media has made such a mess of what's really going on out there that I don't know how I feel about our war but I know that I support our troops beyond 100%. They're doing their job and risking and giving their lives for it.

What got to bothering me today was a radio-cast I heard while driving in to work this morning. The radio-man was asking people what they are going to do today, in remembrance. Most people said that they weren't going to do anything at all and the radio-man was/is quite upset about it. I asked myself the question that he was asking everyone on the air and I have to admit that I came up empty.

I didn't think about DOING anything for this day and when I began to think about WHAT I could do I came up empty.

So I wonder what our grandparents and great grandparents did to commemorate the bombing of Pearl Harbor in the years following of "...a date which will live in infamy."

Were they just like us and a few years later just go on with their lives on that day and for some even complain about the fact that that's all they'll hear about on t.v. (or radio) that day? Did they feel guilt like me in not KNOWING what is the right thing to do? Or were they infinitely more patriotic and wise in their dealings with the tragedy of their day?

I wish I had a grandparent that I could ask these things to. Even in times like these does my family's behavior toward Chino and I come in to play. How sad. Chino who is my wonderful Amor who though not a citizen of this country was here on that day and remembers as clearly as everyone else exactly where he was and what he was doing when it happened. He was out picking in a field when the farmer came out to get all of them and take them back to their camp. They sat around and watched the t.v. with the rest of the world and just like us he worried and prayed and felt terrible for those hurt and killed. He remembers and we talked about it this morning on the phone, I here in Mi and him there in Mexico.

This morning when I went out to hang my flag at work, something I've been doing for the last couple of weeks, I stood with it in my hands and said a prayer. I prayed for those lost on 9/11/01 and their families and I prayed for those in the war and their families and lastly for those lost in this war and all those affected by their loss.

I burned a C.D. a few days ago for a friend of mine who is a Veteran and I made myself remember to give it to him today.

I'll look up when we're supposed to pause in a moment of silence today and actually observe it for once.

Other than these small things I'm not sure what I should do, what I'm expected to do or what would be patriotic and right. I don't know what my grandparents would do.

I guess in my doings through out the day I can look for those little moments where one can choose to be kind or just be an ass. I'll look for those neat little times where we can do something small and yet so big for a stranger on the street or in the store and look for opportunities to do Random Acts of Kindness. I might not know how to be patriotic but the least I can do is do what I know how to do and spread kindness, at least my little bit, in a world that is some days so unkind.

Perhaps as I get older I'll know more what is right. I do know that I'll teach my unborn-not-yet-conceived children about this day. They'll know about it and how I feel and what I do before they ever have a chance to question themselves. I guess that's one more thing I can do.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

I Don't Like To Talk Politics ........but damn

Don't be an asshole like me and actually click this link. It's short and it's worth it.

OM F GAWD seriously??? Does anyone else smell mass sterilization and special "camps" for "special people" in the future if this woman takes over???

Just SHIT !!

You know what? I go to church and believe in God, I pray and la la dee da but I sure as heck don't come here to preach - what kind of a GIGANTIC hypocrite would I be? Just WOW you know? I'm one swearing Christian and I believe in a woman's right to choose and believe that gay people should have the same rights has strait. (just a little info for ya)

But I need to say GAY PEOPLE ARE HUMAN BEINGS my gawd what YEAR is this !?! out loud.

Will she take away their right to vote if they don't pray their way strait?

I just

I just.

Uhhhh I'm not doing politics, I can't stand to hear anymore about it but this was just too much.


Ghetto Flatulance

It never ceases to AMAZE me how ridiculous people can behave here in the Ghetto, or hell, the world for that matter.
I went shopping at the Goodwill last week to find a big-ole-fancy hat to decorate and wear as a Derby-hat to the horse races on Saturday. Of course I ended up in the clothes section - I'm cheap and people donate a lot of good shit ok? Whatever.

So on with it, I went down an isle with one other woman, and stated looking at some stuff when all of a sudden THREE FEET away from me she lets out this HUGE long-drawn-out-flarpetty-flug FART. She was older and for the first half second of the fart I thought "oh this poor elderly woman, she can't control herself any more." And then the fart-analyzer portion of my brain kicked in and I realized that this wasn't an uncontrolled fart. No, NOOOO this particular long-wind was a FORCED fart!

You know you guys can tell the difference, don't play coy with me, we all have the ability to tell the difference. It was the kind of wind that is juuuusstt about ready to be ready, or perhaps the first part of it is, so you go ahead and PUSH it out. And then it turned into a LONG one and she just kept on straining it on out. It had that wavery affect where your stomach muscles get tired from pushing so long and you have to take a second to redouble your efforts, the fart gets a little weak but still keeps on going. I could see the determined LOOK on her face! Holy SHIT people.

Listen I'm not in 5th grade, I know it's a bodily function and what not but the old bag not only kept on pushing it out - never missing a BEAT in her scrounging for new stretch pants to destroy - but when I stood there in utter shock and stared openly at her (for real, I didn't mean to I was just shocked) the BITCH TURNED AND GAVE ME A DIRTY LOOK !!! Oh hell the fuck NO ! Seriously??? I mean for REAL?? Couldn't she have at least mustered up an "Excuse me" or "Pardon me" or at LEAST a sheepish-oops-I'm-busted look?? SOME-FUCKING-THING???

NO ! NOO the badalax gave ME a dirty look like I was the one playing the turd tuba and stinking up the place. OH! ....... wha? ........ BITCH ! Dirty RUDE BITCH !


Friday, September 5, 2008

OK We're Caught Up !

Well, I got a bunch of old posts together and laid them out. It doesn't flow right and it's all discombobulated but it'll give anyone that doesn't know me and C. at least a bit of an introduction to us and our relationship.

As it stands right now I'll be moving to mexico in ABOUT (??) a month. I've got to have a biopsy taken on the 16th and I'm gonna need my health insurance for it. Ugh. Plus, C. , my really cool boss, and I, all decided that I should stay here and continue to work here (with insurance) until I get the test results back and we know what we're dealing with. - Probably nothing at all but you know how them doctors love to scare ya.

I've sold two of our cars leaving us with just one - C. doesn't want one in mexico he'd rather ride the bus or a bike. (yeah he's a little crazy) I sold my couch and TON of my craaaapp at a yardsale this weekend. I'm going to go get my F3 Visa next monday and other than work I've been spending every last second with friends and family soaking up every inch of them that I can.

I've been down to Mexico 4 times now and ONCE to the place where we'll be living. Reynosa, In the Mexican state of Uhhh.... I don't know. Gewwww I guess I should figure that one out before applying for my visa. :P But yes, 4 blessed times where I got to hug and kiss and HUUUGGGG and SQUEEEEZZZE mi dulce until he overdosed. Well no, he can't overdose on me there's never enough of me for him (did I mention he's a little crazy? Locito!)

I met his Tia and Tio and about 20 cousins the last time I went and I so totally LOVE his family!! They are SO cool and SO nice and accepting and kind and just on and on and they can cook some MAD mexican food. And they LIKED me !! EEEEEEEEE!!!!! Praise god I was able to act like a lady and not say too much stupid stuff or offend anybody.

C.'s two week notice is up at his job on the 15th of this month and he'll be moving up to Reynosa to find us a home. A HOME for US to stay in - TOGETHER !! EEEeeeeeee!!!!!!! OMG.

It's going to happen you guys, for real, I'm really moving to Mexico.

As soon as I get down there I'll start looking for jobs in McAllen, Tx. It's a big town and I'm really hoping to find a secretary or office-type job. If not though I've still got my Class A CDL and I can always find a job driving.

SO !! That's a tad of an update for now, I promise to come back and tell you guys about the yardsale I had in the Ghetto. My mom is hilarious.

Gotta run !! XOOXXO's

Off to the Range, Blowing off some STEAM!


I feel a lot better today. I've been running on about 5 hours sleep a night for around 3 weeks so last night after work I went to bed at promptly 5:17 p.m. I got up for work this morning around 5:45 and I feel like a new woman dang it.

SO !! After work I'm off to the shooting range. Yes, my new hobby of choice is handguns. For real though, last week I heard an ad on the radio about a shooting range like 2 miles from my house that actually lets you RENT guns and use their range.

I wondered what KIND of guns they have to rent so I went and checked it out. OH!! OHH!! HOORRRAYYYY!!! It's like a freaking AMUSEMENT PARK of guns!! Oh my gawwd I didn't even know a place like this existed! Every handgun you can think of, antique to brand new, rifles, shotguns, I don't know, just everything. Even a pump action sawed off looking shotgun thing. (it's hot) M-16's, AK 47, you name it they've got it. This must be some sort of NRA wonderland, I don't know how they can do it but they can and I'm in hillbilly heaven!!

With my Dad I've shot a pellet gun, a .22 rifle, a 4-10 shotgun, a 12 gauge and something else shot-gun-y. But I've never shot a handgun. And I've always kinda wanted to ya know? Well maybe you don't but I do. SOOOOO after drooling around the place for a bit I inquired about prices, shit my pants at how cheap it is, and got me some guns to shoot.

EEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was SO FUN!!! I started off small with a .22 revolver then an antique .22 with a clip then a Walter P22 with a clip that I LOVED ! I was pretty accurate (which surprised me to great glee) had a great time and left feeling relaxed and full of joy. Can you believe I'm NOT a republican????

Next time I went I took my BFF Jaybird and hooked her up with my fav. .22. She was a complete crazy bad ass and unloaded her first clip in all of 4.5 seconds flat. After I picked up my jaw off the floor and cleaned the crap out of my pants I started cheering. The helper dude turned to me and said "Well . . . she's lethal." and turned back around. Ahhhaahahahhahahaah !! She went on to unload TWO boxes to my one into her target, all in her break-neck speed shooting style, and this is somewhere in the top 5 of my proudest moments for her. :)

I bumped it up a couple of notches and chose a comfy 9mm. Mmmmm I liked it better than the .22 but it was a lot more expensive to buy ammo for - SHIT ! From 3.50 a box to 15. Yowza ya know?

Anyhoo the range attendant dude - that sports a mullet btw which I instantly fell in love with - thinks I'm a little weird and at the same time very cool. He gives me some special attention when I go and pointers and stuff and THIS time with Jaime he casually asks me "Would you like to shoot my gun?" (lol *snort*) I asked what kind he's got and he unholsered his .45. .45 !!!! EEEEEEEE!!!! Holy Cripes !

I asked him if he thought it would knock me on my ass and he said no, that he's seen me shoot and know's I'll be just fine. (and the ego grows) So, scared but not one to be a sissy - EV-VER - I let him walk me through the in's and out's of it. And shot. MMMMmmmmmm Sat-tis-fac-shu-un!! It's recoil wasn't hardly bigger than the 9mm I had been shooting - to my great surprise, and I of course loved it. Obviously.

I wanted Jay-birds first shooting experience to be bad-ass so I offered her to shoot my gun - which of course she did cuz she's no ninny either. AND the dude let her shoot his gun after she came over to see what was up. SO cool !! I think he just liked having some hot chicks hold his gun but what-ev, I'll shot his $.50 a bullet ammo any time :P

After my first time going I started making my own targets - you don't have to buy theirs. Before I went with Jaybird I drew up some fun targets - the bastard taxi driver from a few posts ago - HAAA!!! Asshole!! - My ex-boyfriend (in the form of a monkey), The gramma that disowned me (in the form of a pig) that I got between the eyes - TWICE ! A clown (also got him between the eyes *takes a bow* And another gramma that sux (in the form of a snake.) I'd never draw a real person, it just seems too wrong, but I'll have fun with goofy 2-yr-old-drawings representing them. (ok and for real? Mullet-Man actually ASKED me if my preshcooler drew the target for me ! when I told him I don't have kids he totally made fun of me, and HE WEARS A MULLET!)

SO anyhoo I'm off in a couple of hours and I'll be heading over to shoot up some targets I printed off the internet (poor lil bunny fu-fu doesn't stand a chance) with a work pal of mine. He's never shot a gun so I'm pretty excited for him. Next week my gal-boss and our other gal-pal are going and then my Mama's gonna give it a try. Welcome to my hillbilly side. :)

And for REAL guys and gals, if you've never done anything like this I can probably SWWEEAARRR that you'll like it. So many people are afraid of guns but really, if you get yourself educated on them and learn how to use one, it just might make you feel a little better. So go out and find a range!! Come On !!!! Live a little, do something different !

And I'll be damned if I can think of a better way to blow off some steam !! Well. . . lol maybe one. ;)

Single Life and Food


Besides lack of sex (zero!) there's been a few other changes in behavior in the Ghetto home front since C. has been gone. C. liked to have real meals - like home cooked - every day for dinner, and usually the left overs for lunch the next day. It was fun cooking with him, he teaching me new things and vice versa and tweaking my old recipes to make them edible for him. (I.E. add a jalapeno pepper to anything and he'll eat it)

But since he's been gone it seems I've gotten lazier and stranger in my eating habits as time goes by. Last nights dinner?

*Ate a few handfuls of dry cheerio's out of the box standing by the kitchen sink

*Decided I wanted to try that can of Marshmallow Fluff that's been in my cupboard since he left, opened it and fingered out a few test runs. -marshmallow-ee, nice- (this time standing by my stove)

*children's F. Fry @ BK while posting

*Spaghetti made solely in the microwave

That microwave spaghetti was downright FANCY for me as of late. Usually I would have just went back to the cherrios and scrounged up a piece of dry bread or can of peas or something.

I'm a friggin gourmet when it comes to the microwave. Last week I needed real food and figured out that if I microwave my pasta in a bowl with water - and put a bunch of broccoli on TOP of the water, that the water will cook the spaghetti and steam the broccoli. Add in some garlic Parmesan sauce from the can and sprinkle some REAL parm. reggiano over the top and we're talking good shit!!

But yeah, usually it's cold spaghettios from the can with a plastic spoon if I'm wanting fancy. Hell the day before yesterday I had two bottles of water, a bag of combos and a diet ice cream bar.

I might need a multi vitamin.

It just doesn't rate high on my to do list when I'm alone I guess. What about you guys? You all that live by yourself, do you cook real food everyday? Microwave dinners eaten over the kitchen sink? Cheetos on the couch? I could live on cereal alone if I wasn't too cheep to buy milk.

Anways, that's just what I was thinkin about here eating lunch at work (some dry bread, a diet cola and some cherries) I don't know what's up with Websense but it let me on today so that's cool. I think I'm just bored. Hi. *tap* *tap* Anybody there? What's you eatin?

Not So Pissed - Because My Brother ROCKS


I had another ranting post about the two cabbies in Texas who told me that to drive me one and a half miles away from the airport to the gas station (to get some allergy meds that the damn airport didn't carry -REALLY??? Not even friggin Benadryl????SHIT!) that it would be no less than $20. $20 to go a mile and a half. I took an advil.

Anyways I had a whole bunch of rage saved up from that but just as I was about to post it my step mom called. At some point during the conversation she put my little brother on the phone, and all my rage disappeared. He has that affect.

D. - he's 18 years younger than me, 8 years old. He's Autistic, borderline they call it - not completely cut off from the world but has some things . . different about him. I'm not going to say he has some abnormal behaviors or some handicaps, that's all bullshit, he just works different than some others.

ANY WAYS, enough disclaimer. He was doing his thing talking AT me on the phone when his mom broke in and said "D. Tell sissy about earlier today when you were being a baby and was mad at mommy." Usually my lil bro would ignore her and go on talking at me or actually relay the event.

But today- HA! Today I loved him more than ever before and was SO PROUD of his response!! OMG I love this - He took his little 8 year old hand, tried to cover the phone and said "MA-AAAAHHHHMMMMMMM I was NOT being a BABY, I was TRYING to DO something and you bothered me! Ughhh!"
And THEN ignored her and went on talking.

Ah, Ahhh BWAAAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAH aahhhh ah ahahahhahaha you guys this might be nothing for you but for me it was one of the greatest things I've ever heard him say.

You see, that little gesture of hand and bratty back talk are so TYPICAL, so pre-teen, tween, what-have-you, that it warmed my heart a degree higher than any taxi driver can lower it.

For all that I stand up for my brother - and always will - in his defense that he's not handicapped but just different - I still cheer for him every time I see him do one more typical kid thing. It's typical and "normal" behavior that the world trusts and the typical and "normal" that doesn't get ostracized or fucked with so much as "abnormal." Don't hate me for wanting the world to be as "nice" as it can be to him.

Oh gawd I'm so terrible at this. I'm just trying to say that I love him 100% the way he is but I'm glad for him when he learns something like all the other kids - whether it's how to look someone in the eye and let them have a turn speaking - or being a BRATTY kid and being embarrassed by his mom.

D. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!! You'll never read this (ok maybe if you're like waayyyyyy older) but I was so happy for you today, so damn happy that you showed one more trait just like your little "normal" bratty friends. I hope you keep all the neat things about you that are so YOU, but I'm rooting for you and so impressed every time I see you learn something new, lol or ages-old. :P

No rant tonight, I'm too happy with the world again.

XOXOXX's to bratty kids everywhere.



I alternate between loving mexico and HHAAAAAATING it. Right now I am SO in fucking HATE mode!!!



Ok, ok. I have to share this with you guys cuz I don't want to tell C. and get him upset.

I just left mexico a couple of hours ago (I'm posting from the airport) C. and I had a very nice last meal together and then we found a taxi willing to take him to his bus stop (like 2 blocks) and me across the border into Texas to the airport - for $40.00 We knew $40 was rape but you don't have much of a choice over there, they kinda stick together on their prices, assholes.

Anyways this taxi driver drops C. off and then starts driving me around in circles and I'm thinking what the shit? He told C. I had to give him $10.00 right away so that he could pay the fare across the bridge (I knew it was only $2.50 but kept my dumb mouth shut and figured he was just keeping the rest for fare you know?) So anyways he drives back and forth in front of the damn international bridge a few times and I'm thinking Jesus is he LOST?

AHAHAHH No. All of a sudden he's flagging down another taxi driver and saying "Aeropuerto, $30.00!!" they pull over in a hurry and he's unloading my bag into the other guys trunk before I can even get out. I was slowly catching on and give me a break here I was pretty shell shocked you know? So I started to tell the guy to give the OTHER guy the $10.00 and he was like "Oh, no, it's O.K. it's o.k." I said "Give him the money!" and the guy just kept saying oh no, it's alright, it's ok, he take you, $30.00 he take you. I meekly tried to tell him to give the other guy the $10.00 for the "fare" for going across the bridge but by that time he was half in his car still telling me it was O fucking K.

DAMN IT! Me and my weak, stupid getting-my-ass-taken-advantage-of- SELF CRAP!

As SOON as I got in the other taxi I realized I should have started screaming and pointing at the guy "Tramposo! Tramposo mi dinero!!" (cheater, cheater me money) I don't have the best skillz in spanish but I could have made due. And then I should have started screaming and pointing and yelling "Nececito Policia!!!" "Tramposo Taxi!" (I need police, cheater taxi) It wouldn't have been the best spanish but it would have made one HELL of a point and I know the guy would have caved and gave me my cash.

But no, NO, I just got in the other taxi, dazed and slowly coming to awareness that I had been "had."

I will never EVER be had like that again. SCREW YOU, YOU MEXICO BASTARD CAB DRIVER!! YOU are going to burn in HELL you thief son of a bitch ! Enjoy my $10 (ok, $9.40 because .60 would have more than paid for C's fare) now, you piece of shit because in hell you're gonna get about $10,000 shoved up your ass and ate out by fucking Montezuma you worthless sack of MIERDA! I hope your ass lives a long life so you can rack up countless more bullshit for yourself to feed on in hell.

I'm so pissed.

OH HO HO HOAHHHH it'll be awesome the next time some mexican fucker tries to mess with me though. I'm taking ALL of my red-neck crazy and ALL of my Ghetto in addition to my new found Mexico living pissed off-ted-ness with me to Mexico next month. Bring it on BITCHES! Try and fuck with me now pendejos! This hor doesn't forget and the next time you try and fuck with me I'm gonna rip you a new one so raw you'll fucking think twice before you ever mess with a little white girl all by herself again.

Moving To Mexico


I'm continually surprised by the people in my life - close and not so close - and their reactions toward me moving to Mexico. I live in Michigan so it's pretty far from home and sometimes I wonder if I lived in Texas or Arizona if the same people would have widely different opinions.
I guess it doesn't matter, I just wonder.

The parents that raised me and took the time to get to know C. have been huge supporters. I think for them it's a mixture of knowing me so well and realizing that I'm not the type to jump off the "deep end" for no apparent reason - MIXED with the fact that they've been married 30 years and have that kind of crazy sick love that only GROWS over time. They still hold hands and smooch in the kitchen for no reason and gush about one another when the other is absent. Sometimes they feel the need for a break so my dad'll go camping but my Ma will miss him by the first night and he the same.

I've expressed to them that I know the difference between what they have and what so many others have - and that I know I've been lucky to find it for myself. They've seen C. and I, they know how he treats me and how we truly feel about one another, hell, he's been brave enough to tell them aloud, and they wouldn't ask me to give up this kind of gift for anything.

I'm so close with them and I'll miss them so much it scares me but in C. lies my heart and my future. He told me the other day - "Chiquita, I want jew to neyver worry about the money to go see jdour parents. I know how close you are to dem and just want jew to know that we'll do what ever we have to, to live good lives and for jew to go see dem when ever jew want. Don't ever worry about dee money Ok?" Anybody guess that I fell in love with him just a little more that day?

I'm so sick - SICKENED - by the people in my life that don't understand what we have. In a way I feel sorry for them because I know that they've never had this type of love, but at the same time so very angry for how cruel they can be to me in their ignorance - or for the fact that they just can't keep their opinion to their self. Every day I hear how stupid I am or how I'm making a mistake or on and on and on.

A "friend" of mine told me just a few days ago that "You'll be back, don't worry they'll give you your job back in six months, they'll wait for you." She said it smiling (kind of a laugh and a mock) and condescendingly and it was then that I realized she's never really been my friend.

A customer of mine asks me twice a week or so "YOU STILL GOIN TO MEXICO?!?" Most of the time he'll just point his finger at me and shake his head after I say yes, but this time he felt the need to inform me in front of my boss and friend that "I really think you're making a mistake. A big mistake." Like so many others though he won't back up his opinion with a reason, no, nope he's boosted only by his self righteousness. When I prompted him by asking -
"What if your wife moved across the country? Wouldn't you follow her?" His answer - "BAhh if she moved across the country that'd be her own problem and I'm not going anywhere!" I asked him if he seriously didn't love his wife enough to follow her and he replied with his own - "You always have a choice."

"You always have a choice"
He's told me that several times and this time I told him that my C. didn't HAVE a choice in leaving and my choice is made. His answer? "You've ALWAYS got a choice." Really? I told him that yeah, he COULD come back illegally and face being caught and going to jail and we COULD live in fear for the rest of our lives. I asked him what kind of life he thought that would be and asked him "Don't we deserve to not live in fear, to go through the right channels and live legally like everyone else and make a decent life for ourselves?" His answer - just a shake of the head.

It's this, this zero tolerance and zero willingness to listen to even the slightest amount of reason
that drives me mad.

I'm so tired of the pity-looks and head shakes and unsolicited never thought out advice. And no, it's not "They just CARE about you." If they really cared about me they'd listen and take me seriously and at least TRY to see why I'm doing this.

There have been a few gems in all of this though. Besides my parents, my best-friend-since- forever has really steeped up bravely and supported me every inch. I was afraid for her and I in the beginning, afraid that she would be so very sad that she wouldn't be able to be anything BUT sad. But dang has this girl shown some back-bone! Hallelujah she's surprised me with her bull-dog attitude in defending my choices. And she KNOWS how much I love him, she's not married herself and has had her share of shitty relationships but is SHE jaded and resentful and mean spirited to me just because she hasn't yet found her true north? No. Nope she's strong for me, strong even if she is sad or even worried. She doesn't let it even show but I know because she's as close as a person can get without gettin it on ya know? She's my not-sexual- true north. :P Thank You Jaybird for your insane loyalty and respect. If ever I've chosen someone to be family it's you, and I'm glad you've taken me.

And my Step Mom, she's something else I tell ya. She was fierce at first, tried everything she could to get me to leave him, but after she realized that I wouldn't give in she turned on a dime and has supported me as strongly as she had once opposed me. I didn't expect that, I thought she'd just keep on her first course, but she didn't. She's done just what my parents have done, what any good parent would do for a child they love or a best friend would do for a friend they love. She supports me even though she's afraid for me or doesn't exactly agree and I don't have the words right words to express how much I appreciate it.

So amongst all my anger at so many people there are bright spots so lovely it keeps me going. I'll be going down the 16th of this month for a visit and then actually MOVING the 3rd or 4th week of September - depending on how busy it is here at work. I'll be going hopefully on an F3 visa that allows me to live there -not as a citizen - and come and go freely. In fact next week when I go down to visit he and I are going to get to know our new border town and look for a place to stay.

I've been procrastinating on EVERYTHING like packing and getting rid of stuff and my VISA and selling my quad and extra car and .. and.. and oh hell. But this past week I've started to pack in earnest and sort out stuff for my moving sale. And this weekend I SWEAR I'm going to do something about my quad. Like for real. And yeah. Yep.

So there, that's a little bit on me going to Mexico. It's a huge undertaking but I swear the biggest part of all is the emotional stuff. Mainly the discourteous abuse. (my aren't we dramatic today!)

I've got more to say but well, I think that's enough bitching and gushing for one day. :P

My Baby Is Safe !!!


Life Uncommon - Jewel

Don't worry mother, it'll be alright
And don't worry sister, say your prayers and sleep tight
It'll be fine lover of mine
It'll be just fine

Lend your voices only to sounds of freedom
No longer lend your strength to that which you wish to be free from
Fill your lives with love and bravery
And you shall lead a live uncommon

I've heard you anguish
I've heard your hearts cry out
We are tired, we are weary, but we aren't worn out

Set down you chains, until only faith remains
Set down you chains
And lend your voices only to sounds of freedom
No longer lend your strength to that
which you wish to be free from
Fill you lives with love and bravery
And we shall lead a life uncommon

There are plenty of people who pray for peace
But if praying were enough it would have come to be
Let your words enslave no one and the heavens will hush themselves
To hear our voices ring out clear
with sounds of freedom
sounds of freedom

Come on you unbelievers, move out of the way
there is a new army coming and we are armed with faith
To live, we must give
To live

And lend our voices only to sounds of freedom
No longer lend our strength to that which we with to be free from
Fill your lives with love and bravery
And we shall lead...

Lend our voices only to sounds of freedom
No longer lend our strength to that which we with to be free from
Fill you lives with love and bravery
And we shall lead a life uncommon

So did I link the the song like any other respectable blogger? Well no, I've got a big report to do and I'm a tad idiot anyways. But I LOVE this song, it's one of those songs with lyrics that kind of "get's you through" tough times ya know? And it's pretty too so that never hurts.

:P By the way, MY BABY IS SAFE AND IN MEXICO WITH HIS BROTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *ahem* WHEW! Scuse me. :)

I am so insanely releived that it's .... insane ! OH Thank You God and Angels and ......everything possilbe there is to thank.

C. got dropped off at the airport by the INS - with NOTHING, his money was all gone from his wallet, but thankfully he found one of the guys that he made friends with while in immigration. This guy, bless his heart and soul a THOUSAND times offered C. (and another guy too) a bus ticket 200 miles away to Monterrey where they all were headed. No strings attatched, just out of the kindness of his heart.

He's an angel, I don't get all sappy and touched-by-an-angel very often, but this man was nothing less. C. found a few dollars in his PANTS pocket (the pants he was wearing when they took him a month ago, his only clothes) and bought the guys some tacos.

They got on their busses and got to Monterrey really late and the Angel-Man let C. and the other guy stay with him at his Mom's house. He said it is too bad of a neighborhood for C. to be trying to find his way home and that his brother could just come and pick him up in the moring. I am so in awe by his kindness.

So in the morning C.'s brother came and picked him up - and here we are. I can't thank God enough for him being safe, I'm so so relieved.

Ok gotta run, C-Yall later and Thank You again for your kindness and support. (did I mention my baby is safe??? And I'm currently jumping up and down and trying not to run in circles like an over excited dog and piss on myself????)

Ok Calming down again


Okay, so not jumping off any bridges today (bi-polar much??), C. seems to think he'll be fine no matter what they do. He's a brave little beotch and manages to calm me down during our 10 minutes on the phone, I wonder if he's just brave for me because he knows I'm a pansy or if he's really that much of a trooper? Maybe I don't want to know.

I sure hope he gets shipped out today, I just want this to be over with. I've got a flight booked for the 26th through the 31st just in case it happens this tuesday OR next tuesday. (plus to fly out this thursday was going to be outrageous!! (easter) ) I can't WAIT to see him!! Well, I can wait for that, I just can't wait to know that he's SAFE, please God, safe.

Now, back to planning for what I'm going to wear......

They Moved C.


They transported my C. from one state to another (to the place they'll fly him out of - TOMORROW) but they lost his things in transport, well, misplaced.

His I.D.
His money
His wedding ring
His papers with his familys phone #'s
And his shoe laces.

So they'll be shipping him off to Mexico with no I.D. and no money and no phone #'s.

I called his family last night and they told me that they don't think he can make collect calls in Mexico - seriously? Can that be? What will he DO?? He's not allowed to know where they'll fly him to so his family can't just be waiting there,

And you know what he's worried about the most? His ring, bless his heart he's not worried about oh, I don't know, being in a foreign country with NOTHING and no way to contact anyone, but instead his ring and what it means to him.

I on the other hand I am shitting my pants. I called his original location that told me to call INS, who told me to call his original location, who again told me they can't help me, so I called INS again and they said that they did transport him but either his stuff was left at the original place (that won't speak to me) or was "misplaced" and told me to call where he is now. I called where he is now and got put through to the supervisor who wasn't in to answer his phone.

You know, I keep wondering at what point a person - well me - gets to the point where they break and can't take any more? Shouldn't I have got there by now? Where is my nervous breakdown? Do I get one? No, no, I don't want one, it just surprises me that I seem incapable. I'm stressed to the point of not even crying, does this mean I'm strong? What a load of crap.

I don't know, I don't know anything and no one will TELL me anything.

He's not a bad person and oh God I love him so much, why do all of these bad things have to happen? What's going to happen to my baby?! Why can't I convey through my words that I'm yelling and terrified? Oh well great here's the tears, I found em, good ole writing, it'll do it every time. Don't worry you guys, you don't have to write the "I'm so sorry's" I know this is a big mess of awkwardness and crud. I just had to write it down, one of those things I guess.

A little Cheer :)


I was reading my other blog cheering myself up (with my own writing, geeezzzz) and came across this one I wrote about C. I can't believe I never came and shared it here - it's me being a DORK, that's my best material. You all know I'm missing my C. so I'm posting this (because I have nothing today and am a lazy bastard but still want to please you) for my man. (my man that doesn't know I write about him but whatever :P)

Sept. 7th '07

I'm thankful that C. takes my sometimes too honest (whoops! I should have lied!) foot in mouth conversations quite well. In stride I guess some say.I.E. Yesterday we were talking about him making cookies at the bakery and he was showing me the callouses on his hands from kneading the dough. I guess making cookies is like for real hard work - who friggen knew??

Anyways I mentioned that his muscles must be getting bigger and I asked him to do his little trick where he can move his pecks with out uh. moving er, well ya know like in the 80's how all the muscle guys would make their pecks dance by themselves? Gahh I hope you get it.

He moved his little man pecks for me -I always ask him to do it because it kind of cracks me up, he gets to looking all concentrated and manly and it makes me laugh - PLUS it always ceases to amaze me that a guy with a good body would want to be with me and I'm proud of his little goofy peck dance. Ok whatever, so he did his thing and I noticed that they really HAD gotten bigger after weeks of manual cookie making. One more reason to love cookies.

The conversation ended up being something like this.

"Make your chi chi's move for your chaquita"

*moves chi chi's*

"Eeeeee!! They got bigger and they move more!!"

"Does daht make ju horny?" ( i think he was being serious?)

. . ."Nah. . . I just think it's cool."


Ah well he laughed at me and took it all in stride as usual - and after like 30 seconds I came around and thought "aww crap." and proceeded to say "Wait, I mean YEEEEESSS of COURRSSE so horny. Oh papi so sexy."

Of course I only made it to "horny" before I started busting up laughing. But oh well, I tried and he laughed.

I do the foot in mouth thing just about on the hour and I think he's come to the conclusion that I'm just an honest person. Thank goodness for an understanding (tolerant) man. :)

C's Story, I'm going to tell it. (And I'm a clutz)


C. is being held in a holding facility (immigration jail) waiting to see a judge. His Dad brought him to this country when he was a little boy, he didn't make the decision to come. He was put in school here and went on to graduate High School. He grew up like any other American (transplant) kid - and moving back to a country that he barely remembers, has no history in, job, home or even much knowledge of - never seemed like a real option to him. Hate him if you want, I don't care, he is my heart and my life. But before you hate or judge, humor me and imagine YOU reaching to the age of 18, graduating high-school and coming to the realization that you don't really belong to any country. Imagine having people telling you to "go back where you came from," even though you don't know where that place was.

I'm not writing this nearly as eloquently as I imagined or making my point the way I wanted. I'm a tad biased and involved if you can imagine.

Through circumstances that I can't go into he's been brought to the attention of the INS. I was planning to petition for his citizenship but shit happens/happened and we didn't get a chance.

No, us being married doesn't help in any way, new laws, a new time.
No, there is no naturalization or immunity because he's been here so long, or because he was so small when he came.
Yes, I've spoke to several lawyers now and there is no chance WHAT SO EVER of him staying here.
He's going to be sent "back." (1800 miles away!)
It'll be most likely 2 months of him being "held" before they get around to doing it.
That's it. End of story.

We've got a plan (ok and 2 back-ups) for what we'll be doing to get him back (legally thank you) or at least us living in the same country (again, legally). SOME country.
I want to be able to share what's going on so I'm just plain coming clean with yall. That and I can't keep my mouth shut.

I've been visiting him in the jail - OMG JAIL!! But thankfully for people in his situation they DO have completely separate holding areas, my sweet baby isn't roomed up with bubba that's killed 10 people, and for that I am terribly thankful.

ALRIGHT!! Ready to lighten up? I sure am. WHEW.

Okay, so yesterday when I drove to visit him (only an hour away, thank goodness.) We had our once weekly 40 minute visit where we sit on stools and talk by phone through 2 inch glass. (not really complaining btw, I'm just so happy to see him) The stools are really low to the ground and to see him well I was sitting on one of my legs to prop me up higher.

When our time was up and I got up to go, I so SO did not realize that my leg had fallen asleep. For real you guys I never even felt the pins and needles! Aww man so when I stood up to walk I had no feeling in that leg and a tumbling down I went. BIG TIME.

I heard popping and snapping and all sorts of things in my ankle and because it was numb had no idea of what I had truly done to it. I had to sit there and wait for the feeling to come back to access you know?

Oh my gawwwdd but MEANTIME as I was sitting on the ground holding my ankle poor POOR baby C was behind the glass staring in horror at his lovely chiquita all mangled on the floor like an idiot. He saw me go down but he couldn't HEAR me tell him that I was fine. I kept waving him to go on and kept trying to tell him that "ha ha, silly me, I'm fine" because I didn't want him to get in TROUBLE because he wasn't getting his ass moving!

A nice wave of nausea swiped over me and I felt the blood draining from my face and it was all I could do to keep smiling at him and waving him AWAY so he wouldn't get tazered or something - all the while trying really really hard not to puke down the front of myself.

And THEN my head started to buzz and I got that feeling you get when you're going to pass out and my vision started to go but C. was still standing there and I swear to heaven I willed the faint away and kept on smiling and waving him away.

When I first fell the other visitors in there were really kind and seemed genuinely worried about me. I got offers of help from a Russian family, a Chinese man and a brown guy that looked like he might own a 7-11. They kept offering to help me up and stuff but I kept telling them that "No, no I'm fine, I just need a minute" - because I didn't want to take even one minute away from their visiting time ya know?

C. FINALLY went on his way with a worried look and I was so damn thankful. I put my head down to the floor and tried to get some blood back into my brain. You guys I SO had to go to the bathroom and I was afraid that if I passed out I'd lose control of my bowels like a dead person. Yes, that was my main concern, screw a possible broken ankle, I am NOT crapping my pants!!

Everyone went back to what they were doing and I laid there like a fleece-covered scarf be-decked beached whale for a tad, until I got up enough nerve to try and stand. I managed to get up and decided that I didn't break anything and tried to walk. HA-HA-HA, ok so there was no walking to be had but I'm a good Hopper. I think my ghetto portioned ass gives me a low center of gravity and gives me good balance.

Turns out I'm not broken just nicely sprained and black and blue and a bit gimpy but all is well. I didn't faint and shit my pants or piss all over so I'm calling it a good day. DO people loose control of their bowls when they pass out? I've fainted a few times but never when I had to "go."

C. and I are going to be fine, we'll be seperated for most likely at least a year but I will try and save and fly to see him at least a couple of times. I'll have my passport in about 3 weeks and I'll be all set for when he get's sent "back."

In the meantime I figure I should brush up a bit more on my Spanish and figure out how to say things like "Oh, I'm ok, just give me a minute." "Ooops, sorry" "No, I don't think it's broke." "Where is the hospital" (donde un hospital?) Hey! I think I've got one, that's cool. I'm on my way.