My second ultrasound kinda sucked. The baby is fine but I came away a little worse for wear, but not bad.
The second one is the BIG one where they show you everything and tell you if it's a boy or girl, give you pictures, all that good stuff.
Mine started off normal with the nurse taking my blood pressure, talking about vitamins and making the usual medical rounds. And then she decided to speak her mind or ... something, out of knowhere - BAM !
"You know you're having a sonogram today don't you?"
"Yes! It's exciting!"
"And nobody came with you? What, nobody CARES that you havea baby growing in you or WHAT??" "Nobody could be bothered to come with you?"
She said it all in this disgusted tone that didn't really leave me an opening to even explain. And I didn't want to explain, I shouldn't have HAD TO explain. I was so flabbergasted and shocked - I went from carefree and happy and looking forward to this to crushed in all of 2 seconds, and all I could stammer out was "Well, sometimes people just can't come."
She snorted and thankfully went silent.
She's an O.B. nurse hasn't she ever seen someone ALONE before? What the fuck is so wrong with her that she would have to DO that to me? Does every person with a sonogram come in with a ton of people? What about people in this world who don't HAVE anyone?
For shit sake I'm at least lucky enough to have family and a husband. But yeah, I live 26 hours from home and my best friend and my Mom can't exactly drive down to meet me at the doctor and my husband is sort of DEPORTED and can't cross the fucking border to come and be with me and I haven't made any friends here and feel like a piece of shit enough - how about THAT
That woman is a waste of space. What if I were a victim of rape or someone who was keeping the pregnancy a secret or was going to give up the baby for adoption? Do those people need to be feeling-fucked too? Fucking Idiot. Fucking Moron.
I just sat there in silence, dumbfounded and feeling emotionally beat down until the OB came. She and the sonogram lady have enough sense to keep their damn mouths shut.
I'm not looking forward to the conversation when my OB and I actually DO discuss the whole event of giving birth. Even though she's really cool I don't want to see the look on her face when I have to tell her that I'll be driving to the hospital by myself and giving birth all by myself. I'm too nervous to ask if they'll let me leave after the standard 2 day stay, by myself. I'm afraid that they'll say I have to be with someone.
I want to ask about child birth classes but I've never seen a class on t.v. that didn't have couples of SOME type. I don't want to show up alone with my pillow and look like the sad dejected girl with something so wrong with her that she has to be alone. And I don't want to explain my situation like a circus freak and have strangers feel sorry for me and pity me.
From the very beginning the whole thing was clear to me and I knew that I'd just do what I gotta do. It's only 2 days out of my life and the baby's life, it's not the end of the world and I pride myself on being brave. People give birth like every second of the day, it's not like it's... (a big deal.)
I should feel lucky, and I guess I do. There are people in the world that are infertile and would give ANYTHING to have a baby of their own. I'm lucky enough to have medical care and to be able to have my doctor in the U.S. and not Mexico. I have a healthy baby so far and a husband that is crazy in love with her already.
It's just hard sometimes and I get to crying about it like a big baby and feeling all sad. And on grand days like today I remember that Chino and I didn't even get to have a real wedding, no family no friends like I had imagined for so long. I wanted my mom to cry and my Dads to give me away. And now I have to give birth alone.
These things are just milestones set up by society to be important and herald as THE MOST IMPORTANT DAYS OF YOUR LIFE, I just need to let them go, screw society and it's important dates. Sometimes you just have to DO things
I need to cherish when I'm alone at night with my husband and he declares that he's going to go to sleep with the baby. Last night he scooted on down the bed and put his head squished up against by belly to be with Daisy and threw his arm around my back and declared "Oooo and I gedt de boody too." And later in the night when I woke up and started feeling sorry for myself all I had to do was find him in the dark and nestle myself up to him to feel love and relief. Can't that be enough? I need that to be enough.