Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Being Tan Is For Leather

When I moved here to Mexico over 9 months ago I imagined myself becoming for the first time ever - a bronze goddess. I've always been a fair skinned gal and the whole tan thing has just never come to me. I've tried, my good dear have I tried, but all in vain.

Every winter I turn paper white and come spring, even though I swear I don't care and I'm above it and say - "I'M going to stay OUT of the sun because I care about my skin and I won't wrinkle." - as soon as I see my best friend or girls in Walmart starting to brown up all that shit goes out the window. I make a mad dash for a tanning bed somewhere and actually PAY someone to cook myself crispy in 12 minutes or less.

I come out with a red-circle baboon assed, burnt back burned chest and a crispy face. I'll sport perfect white racing stripes down my sides where sun will not go and the same pasty legs I walked in on. Maybe I'd do that twice before I gave up and settled in for a long summer of farmer tan or maybe another crispy episode after a day at the beach.

Upon moving to Mexico though I thought it would all change ! I had daydreams of wearing SLEEVELESS tops for the first time ever and not having a t-shirt farmers tan. I imagined spaghetti strap tank tops and shorts with brown legs. I figured I'd just sort of HAVE to get tan because it's always warm here and people just naturally wear less clothes and are therefore tan.

It is late August now and I'm whiter than I would be if I were back home in Michigan. Why? Because it's been UNGODLY, UNCALLED FOR, CRAP-ON-A-CRACKER ger-flaggin HOT here for the last 2 months. Four months ago it was in the 80's all the time, then 3 months ago the 90's and now for the past two months we've not gone under 100 during the day.

WHY in the name of ANYTHING HOLY would people CHOOSE to live here??? It's beyond my comprehension why anybody ever stayed here to populate and didn't just keep on a walkin north. Good Night !


Whatever. Bronze Goddess? HA! This pale tramp refuses to leave her house during daylight hours. I sort of don't want to go outside and DIE.

Honestly though, I leave for work before sun-up, make a flying trip home, (a flying 10 miles that takes 50 minutes where I swear a lot) get into the house and do not venture out till the sun is partially down. On the weekends we stay inside all day and only go out - when the sun down. Catching a vampiress theme here?

When I went home a month ago for a visit everyone resumed making fun of my paleness, but with renewed gusto because how can I live in Mexico and not be tan?? Har-dee-har-har.

Mexican culture praises light skin, I think it's kind of like us wanting to be tan, the people in commercials are white and you won't see a REAL mexican looking person on a billboard or doing MTV. Unfortunately it's different to see a half transparent lady walking down the street, and I'm pretty sure I scare people. Either that or they just figure somethings wrong with me.

Ah well, least I won't be a wrinkly leather bag.

So there.


Tan bitches though.


Krissie said...

Try yelling Boo! at everyone. They'll all think you're Casper - the pregnant ghost!

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

I can start wearing white moo-moos and call it subjective art. I'd like to wear house dresses, all the old ladies here do it and they look damn comfy. :P

On Mexican Time said...

Hahaha - I have to giggle... LOL! I guess I am going to be a leathery old tanned bitch because both my parents are from the mediterranean and I came out of the womb with a tan! LOL!! It's actually annoying because everyone assumes I'm a fake'n bake'n queen! Do you see my tan lines ppl!!??

I can just see everyone staring at you as you walk the street! At least you don't look albino..then you'd really stick out!

Suki said...

Come to India and I'll go to the US. You'll be a fair-skinned goddess and I'll be a bronze goddess.


I forgot your URL, looked for it on Sparx's page, didn't find it and sorta lost hope of re-finding it. Thanks for commenting, now I'm blogrolling you so I don't lose you again!

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

O.M.T - You wonderfuly lucky tramp! You don't have to wrinkle or get skin cancer to be tan, you're a natural. :P I'm already trying to remind myself to never be jealous of my unborn daughter - she'll have the best of both worlds from my moreno husband and my wera self.

Suki ! HI !!!!! Oh no! You're not tricking me into India! My boss is from there and says that it is hot there like it is here. NO WAY. At least here I speak enough of the language to sound like a 2 year old. :P And cool! I'm glad we found each other again :)

Refried Dreamer said...

***I'm cool with fake n bake***

I get tattooed so it LOOKS like I have color. Don't be bummed, I'm the same way. I'm a shade or two darker than you, but that's about it. My kids though...damn... they do have the best of both worlds. They tan even with SPF50!

JJ said...

Okay, so I read your comment on my blog and added your blog to my google reader and I just finished reading like 5 of the last ones but I have to go resume getting ready for work but you can bet I'll be reading this at work. I'm trying to figure out where exactly you live but I am sure I will figure it out shortly. You're flipping hilarious and the post about fixing stuff seriously made me laugh out loud and scare the cats, so thanks, because they need to remember who's boss around here and a little fright never hurt anyone. Have a great day and I'll be back with more deeply thought out and inspirational comments. Or something. :)

jenny said...

LOL! Yeah, I know all about that farmer's tan! And I went to a tanning booth once, I swear I felt all tingly afterwards and then I worried for weeks that I subjected myself to skin cancer! Never went back!

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

Refried - Only a shade or two darker? Bless you, you are kind. And at least your tattoos give you cool factor when you're pale. :P

JJ - Your comment made ME laugh so thank you, damn cats, they DO need some respect. I'm on the border in Reynosa Mexico, I don't know if I ever have mentioned it, maybe I should get around to that. :P

Jenny you're so cute and funny I just don't know what to do with you.