Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Dirty Hotel Secrets Part 3: I'm Gonna Tell Your Secrets!

Hotel workers are not discreet. I think we're supposed to be, at least that's what I always assumed, but there was never any training on it and we sure as hell don't practice it. Case in point:

Dear really old dude who FORGOT his triangle-sex-position-pillow in his room and came back for it two days later. Thank You. We had a lot of fun making fun of the sex pillow back in the laundry room (it got some great conversations started) and when you came to claim it and we saw that you were old? Dude, you're famous.

If you're going to come in drunk at 2a.m. and proceed to have wild, monkey sex so loud that we can hear you on the second floor (it happens) the night worker is going to tell everyone the next morning the whole story and your room number so we can gawk at you. If you're a super slutty girl walking out of here at 7:30 a.m. in 4 inch heels and your clubbing dress the housekeepers and I will be tittering silently from behind the you-can't-see-us screen. We're not malicious or mean spirited but come on, it's the walk of shame and we're bored.

If you are a guest that stays often and you do any of the following -


*leave a ton of dirty condoms flung around the room
*come with a different "friend" each time
*leave the room with an odd rank smell
*leave drug paraphernalia
*are a super slob
*are an asshole
*are a bitch


You will be immediately MARKED and forever remembered by all that work here.

"Oh God that man-whore is coming in today, you know, the one that smells like curry all the time?"

"Hey the asshole from that drilling company is coming, you know the one that leaves water in the bath tub and throws his towels in it? Give him #113 the drain stopper is broke in that room and it won't hold water."

"OOooo that BEEOTCH business chick is coming - give her room 103, the phone doesn't work in that room."

"OH shit! It's STD guy, the one that left behind the crab-cream, tell the housekeepers to bring tongs for all the condoms he leaves behind and burn their uniforms when they get home."

And so on. We remember everything and if you're an asshole we'll try our best to fuck with you further. You want to throw a gigantic hissy fit and yell at the pregnant lady behind the counter because there is no coffee in your room? We'll never have coffee for you again - CHECK MARK goes next to your name and from now on it'll be "Oh I'm sorry sir, we've run out." Forever.

One more thing about assholes -

Dear Sir who comes in and insists on paying cash because
"I don't want a paper trail." And says to me "I don't want to give you my e-mail address in case they're going to send me advertisements, I don't want a paper trail." "I'm going to give you my office address, are you SURE you won't send any "Thank You For Staying" letters? I don't want a paper trail" "I'm going to give you my office number, I don't want any phone calls home." OK ASSHOLE I GET IT, now wipe that smug smile off your face because you forget that I scanned your drivers license (with your real address) and maybe you didn't REALIZE that I saw you sneak that tramp in the side door. I'll be sending off a copy of your receipt to your home address post haste - don't be a cheating bastard. (Addressed to "Last Name Only" I wonder who gets the mail at home?)

If you're nice to me? Different story. If you treat me like a human being I will ALSO remember and I'll bend over backwards to be nice right-back-to-ya. I'll let you check in early without charging you, and if we need to do a room-change somewhere in the hotel I will search you out to give you an upgrade. I've even upgraded people because they didn't bitch and complain and bargain and fuck with me for 20 minutes over the NORMAL room fee. "Oh hey you know what? We're out of standard rooms, how about I put you in a suite for the same price?" I surprised one lady coming for her anniversary by giving her a jacuzzi room just because she was SO DAMN SWEET and nice and
genuine on the phone. (my boss would roll over dead if knew I did any of these upgrades but he's an asshole so I don't care!)

20 comments:

Deborah said...

ha ha I think I peed a little reading this--TOO funny! Doesn't take much to just be kind, does it? When are people going to grasp that? Hysterical stuff. Fact is, I'm one of those that takes the linens off the bed and puts the towels in a neat pile for easier clean up. I do the same thing at restaurants. Thank you for entertaining me this morning. I'll definitely be back!
Deborah

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

Deborah - Oh! I do that too! (the towels and at resaurants putting the plates and silverware all together!) You're cool, I hope you DO come back! :) Thank You ! :)

Suki said...

Gawd, people are truly interesting. :D

(Now I need to get back to work. :sigh:)

~ellen~ said...

That's awesome. :)

I used to work in a hotel, and it's funny, the guests walk around and look right past the employees as though they are part of the furniture, and most never seem to consider that the people who work there are WATCHING them and HEARING them.

I worked at a resort hotel on top of a mountain, and my favorites were the people who would stagger up to the front desk at midnight on a Friday or Saturday with some person they had just picked up. They'd be appalled at our prices, which were for people planning a vacation, not for people getting laid. "But it's the middle of the night" they'd say. "It's too late to rent the room to someone else! Let us have it for half price."

We have no middle-of-the-night-getting-laid-discount rates, sir or madam. Go screw in your car!

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

Suki - I'm not sure if you mean me, or the guests :P Either is ok :D

Ellen - *sigh of contentment* you GET it! YAY!!!

Upstate Broad said...

You know I had to share this with the Big Guy, and I know at least 1 Holiday Inn Express in MD he won't be going back to, cuz he's been there several times and keeps getting rooms with little problems. He's a very pleasant and cordial guy, we have to assume that it's because when they send him a follow-up email and ask for an assessment of their performance, he's really honest about it.

Once, I had to join him at a hotel in VA mid-week, and he had left instructions with the front desk to give me a room key when I got there. The young man behind the desk asked me for ID to confirm that I really was the Mrs., but couldn't apologize enough for taking that precaution. I finally interrupted him to say that I was relieved by his discretion and that I'd really rather that random anonymous women not have access to my husband's room. He blinked a couple of times and then roared with laughter. Now every time the Big Guy stays there, the clerk jokes with him about not bringing in any women because I wouldn't like it.

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

Upstate - I don't know about there, but HERE we don't have access to the customer follow up reports - they like to be secretive about it. However, if your husband is nice and he's getting shitty service AND shitty rooms, it sounds like lame-ass lazy employees and a crappy hotel. I can't imagine being a beotch to someone if they're nice to me.

gringa_mexi said...

You say it like I wish I could!! I worked for years in Restaurants and Customer Service and I swear some people lack serious common courtesy and sense! I love everything you write and can't wait to read more!
I like your name by the way...lol..

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

Gringa Mexi - If you compliment me like that then I automatically love you back. :P AND YES!! What is WRONG with people when they get in situations like that? When you pay for a service you DO deserve to get what you pay for - but you DON'T get to all of a sudden treat other humans like dirt. Nope, no way.

Refried Dreamer said...

That's hilarious.

Didn't know about the see-through mirrors though... I'll remember that next time I need to pic my nose or scratch my ass.

People do lack common courtesy and mostly, I keep it to myself and fuck with them on the side...unless I'm with hubby, of course, THEN I will tell you to your face... like the assholes down here in GDL that are walking down the street and "accidentally drop" all of their garbage beside them, without missing a step.

"sir!!!! I think you dropped something...."

fuckers.

Krissie said...

It's just how it's done!

Just because people are at your service, doesn't mean you get to treat them like slaves. I wish more people would grasp that concept, instead of being jerks.

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

Refried - Gaahh what garbage dropping dillholes! :P I'm betting your husband just LOVES that you get brave and mouthy when he's around :D (gotta earn his keep!) - it does remind me of my Chihuahua. :) What a site you two must make with all the tatoo's! I would be picking my shit up in a hurry if you yelled at me - you guys could be tat-vigilanties!! (sorry, i get excited sometimes)

Krissie - "It's just how it's done!" At first I thought you meant that people are mean to service workers and that's just- the-way-it-is like it's SUPPOSED to be that way - and I thought "Omg I don't know her at all!!!" - and then I read the rest of your comment. Oh. I get it, Thank god! And YES! PREACH ON SISTAH !!! THANK YOU

Upstate Broad said...

BTW, Gringa, I used to have a pillow like that. Prescribed by my doctor for acid reflux. I couldn't sleep half-sitting-up that way and got rid of it. Now you've got me wondering what the garbage guys were thinking.

JJ said...

Pheeenomenal rant. People are assholes. That's right, assholes. I will never understand how some people think that they are above others and treat them like shit. Who do you think you are? Do they not get the power you hold? I don't buy this - Oh maybe they were having a bad day - bs because it's just that: bs. If you haven't learned by now how to fake it for the 10 minutes it might possibly take you to interact with someone who can make your stay miserable or make it nice, then you have no business being out in public. Bravo. I completely support everything you said.

Crystal said...

Ok I guess I would be one to get the suite with the jacuzzi because I am always so sweet to people whenever we go to restraunts or where ever. Hey, everyone deserves respect. I used to work at Taco Bell, loooong time ago and this girl came in and slung her chicken on the counter and said this does not look like f--king chicken to me. I looked at her like bit-h please I know you aren't hollering at me. I almost slung her food at her, but i was like no better not.

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

Upstate - Dude you threw it away!!??? Awww bummer, if only you knew what you HAD!! Cool doctor btw, "Hey you've got shitty heart burn? Have great sex, you'll forget all about it!" :PPP

JJ - You're so cool. Sometimes I kick myself and think "What if they're just having a bad day? And I'm going to make it worse? What kind of person does that make ME?" So I try and be decent at least at first, until I've got a persons deal figured out - but I appreciate that you said they should suck it up for a couple minutes and act decent. If I think about it I would never take my shit out on a clerk, in fact I usually act nicer if I'm having a shitty day, in an attempt to not feel shitty. So thank you! Now I'll stop feeling guilty. :)

Crystal - What a beeeeeotch! Doesn't she know it's NOT chicken anyways? SOY bitch! Eat it!!

Sunshine said...

OMG...you are to darn funny! I would of never thought! You should write a book!

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

Sunshine - awwww thank you! You know it's funny to me because I've got lot's of compliments on this post and yet I was just blabbing on like I normaly do about STUFF that happens, I guess I shouldn't try so hard and just blab more :P

Sparx said...

Man, I've been staying in a lot of hotels recently and you have made me SOOOO paranoid!!!

And, one hotel I was just in, a colleague of mine stayed there and the bellboy tried to kiss her for his tip - ack!

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