I saw George Lopez on the teli the other day and he was making some jokes about bologna. It went along the lines of this - "We ate bologna when we were kids, but not the rich people bologna, no we had poor people bologna - the kind with the red string!" My apologies to G. Lopez, it was a funny bit, but it looks stupid typed out. Anyways. What I want to know is where the hell is this fabled bologna with NO red string? I've never seen it without red string - I happen to LIKE my red string bologna.
My mom bought it for us when I was a kid - Garlic Bologna - from the deli counter and everything. I always thought the deli counter was where you got the GOOD stuff because it came in giant loaves and they actually sliced it to order for you and Oscar Myer didn't make it. It wasn't till I worked at the deli counter that I realized they also sold head cheese and chopped ham. *Goooohuhhuh* *shiver.*
To this day I am STILL buying red-string baloney damn it! I was worried they wouldn't have it in Mexico but HA I guess if it's poor people food we would have it here - and they do. I like peeling the string off my baloney, I always thought it was fun when I was a kid and I LIKE the taste of my poor people baloney. Bastards. What. Ever. Bread, miracle whip, mustard, lettuce and a slice of Baloney and it's yummy damn it. Of course that's the fancy version - the regular version was what my parents called a "Slap Sandwich," where you slap a piece of meat between two pieces of dry bread and call it good.
Do they have Baloney in Croatia?
I got to thinking about it and I only like crappy chocolate too.
I worked one summer on Mackinac Island in an ice cream and fudge shop and I'll never forget one of the customers I served. She was an older lady and was browsing around our shop. She approached the counter and asked me if our chocolate covered nuts were made with "premium" chocolate. All I knew was that they cost like $12.00 a pound and since I thought that was an insane price I assured her that indeed it was super duper.
She put her head close to the glass and STARED at it before asking me for a sample. I gave her a piece of chocolate covered macadamia nut, she put it in her mouth and made a twisty-upy-face and started shaking her head like I gave her a rotten piece. She held up her finger and waved it at me saying "No, this is not premium. I'm talking about chocolate like GODIVA. This is not Godiva" I just stood there with a blank stare feeling lame and she said "It's ok dear, you'll understand someday." And she walked out of the shop. This was 11 years ago but I can still SEE her in my head, and the look of pity she gave me.
Whatever lady. That encounter bothered me for years and I can't count how many times I've popped into a gourmet chocolate shop to buy a piece or two of premium chocolate to see if I might like it. And? I hate it all! AAAHHHH!! It took me a while but I finally found a GODIVA shop where I purchased some of my favorites (toffee!) to see just what I had been mission out on all these years. AND yuck. The Godiva toffee tasted nothing like my Hershey's Heath and I was pretty damn disappointed. All of the premium chocolate I've tried seems too. . . crispy or hard or not MILK chocolate enough for me. I like milky melty chocolate damn it, screw you premium. For heavens sake I don't even like the DOVE chocolate because it's just weird and waxy and not gritty enough for me. I'm hopeless.
ONE thing, at least I don't like the shitty holiday chocolate that comes in a giant bag for like $2.00. That stuff has enough wax to build a bee hive and I'm proud to say I won't eat it. (Unless someone gives me a piece and then I wouldn't want to be rude.)
I don't like lobster or even crab. Premium potato chips? I'll take Ruffles thank you. Spinach and Artichoke dip? Gahhh, good god where's the bean dip??? I don't like cake anywhere but from home - and damn it I like it to come out of a box. My step mom made a yellow box cake when I was home last and she said "I know it's not the wonderful homemade scratch cake like other people make. . ." She said this after I had HAPPILY eaten half of my piece thinking to myself "Damn this is good cake." Stepmom if you're out there I like your cake better than that other lady's any day.
I am not refined Internets. I'm pretty sure it's official. But I'm happy! I LIKE my regular people/poor people food though, and I think that counts. Plus being that I'm cheap, I this sort of works out good for me. Now, if you'll excuse me I'm going to go and make a tomato, mayo and lettuce sandwich.