Friday, September 11, 2009

I'm Unrefined: Balogna to Lobster - STEPMOM I LIKE Your Cake

I saw George Lopez on the teli the other day and he was making some jokes about bologna. It went along the lines of this - "We ate bologna when we were kids, but not the rich people bologna, no we had poor people bologna - the kind with the red string!" My apologies to G. Lopez, it was a funny bit, but it looks stupid typed out. Anyways. What I want to know is where the hell is this fabled bologna with NO red string? I've never seen it without red string - I happen to LIKE my red string bologna.

My mom bought it for us when I was a kid - Garlic Bologna - from the deli counter and everything. I always thought the deli counter was where you got the GOOD stuff because it came in giant loaves and they actually sliced it to order for you and Oscar Myer didn't make it. It wasn't till I worked at the deli counter that I realized they also sold head cheese and chopped ham. *Goooohuhhuh* *shiver.*

To this day I am STILL buying red-string baloney damn it! I was worried they wouldn't have it in Mexico but HA I guess if it's poor people food we would have it here - and they do. I like peeling the string off my baloney, I always thought it was fun when I was a kid and I LIKE the taste of my poor people baloney. Bastards. What. Ever. Bread, miracle whip, mustard, lettuce and a slice of Baloney and it's yummy damn it. Of course that's the fancy version - the regular version was what my parents called a "Slap Sandwich," where you slap a piece of meat between two pieces of dry bread and call it good.

Do they have Baloney in Croatia?

I got to thinking about it and I only like crappy chocolate too.

I worked one summer on Mackinac Island in an ice cream and fudge shop and I'll never forget one of the customers I served. She was an older lady and was browsing around our shop. She approached the counter and asked me if our chocolate covered nuts were made with "premium" chocolate. All I knew was that they cost like $12.00 a pound and since I thought that was an insane price I assured her that indeed it was super duper.

She put her head close to the glass and STARED at it before asking me for a sample. I gave her a piece of chocolate covered macadamia nut, she put it in her mouth and made a twisty-upy-face and started shaking her head like I gave her a rotten piece. She held up her finger and waved it at me saying "No, this is not premium. I'm talking about chocolate like GODIVA. This is not Godiva" I just stood there with a blank stare feeling lame and she said "It's ok dear, you'll understand someday." And she walked out of the shop. This was 11 years ago but I can still SEE her in my head, and the look of pity she gave me.

Whatever lady. That encounter bothered me for years and I can't count how many times I've popped into a gourmet chocolate shop to buy a piece or two of premium chocolate to see if I might like it. And? I hate it all! AAAHHHH!! It took me a while but I finally found a GODIVA shop where I purchased some of my favorites (toffee!) to see just what I had been mission out on all these years. AND yuck. The Godiva toffee tasted nothing like my Hershey's Heath and I was pretty damn disappointed. All of the premium chocolate I've tried seems too. . . crispy or hard or not MILK chocolate enough for me. I like milky melty chocolate damn it, screw you premium. For heavens sake I don't even like the DOVE chocolate because it's just weird and waxy and not gritty enough for me. I'm hopeless.

ONE thing, at least I don't like the shitty holiday chocolate that comes in a giant bag for like $2.00. That stuff has enough wax to build a bee hive and I'm proud to say I won't eat it. (Unless someone gives me a piece and then I wouldn't want to be rude.)

I don't like lobster or even crab. Premium potato chips? I'll take Ruffles thank you. Spinach and Artichoke dip? Gahhh, good god where's the bean dip??? I don't like cake anywhere but from home - and damn it I like it to come out of a box. My step mom made a yellow box cake when I was home last and she said "I know it's not the wonderful homemade scratch cake like other people make. . ." She said this after I had HAPPILY eaten half of my piece thinking to myself "Damn this is good cake." Stepmom if you're out there I like your cake better than that other lady's any day.

I am not refined Internets. I'm pretty sure it's official. But I'm happy! I LIKE my regular people/poor people food though, and I think that counts. Plus being that I'm cheap, I this sort of works out good for me. Now, if you'll excuse me I'm going to go and make a tomato, mayo and lettuce sandwich.


Kellysmakeupandmore said...

I so agree with you I like poor people food too...omg and my husband is from mexico too, and he is CHEAP i think he is the biggest CHEAP person I have EVER met...

I LOVE your blogs I cant get enough of them, I love hearing about mexico and the things yall do....
Im hoping i can come to mexico one day....I know i would like it....

Suki said...

Just because it's expensive it usually gets labelled "refined". Bull! Give me cheap, simple, home-cooked food over all ye expensive Stiltons and wines any damn day!

Krissie said...

I don't know what Balony is exactly. It's hard to compare food from two very different countries. I mean, we have a lot of different salami so you know, maybe. But it's not called that here, even if we have it.

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

Kelly - You are so flattering I could just pee! :P But thank you so much :) And so your hubby is cheap? Ahh a kindred spirit. :P Mine is pretty good about most things but he's still got a yearn for expensive shoes and clothes, but he works hard so I'd never say anything. If you ever visit Mx make sure I give you a list of all the best foods to try - you gotta have em all!

Suki - Stiltons? Google here I come. Simple home cooked food is the best right? Potatoes, eggs, onions, beans ect. and I'm doing juuust fine. :)

Krissie - It's probably the cheapest one you can get that everyone makes fun of because it's made of chiken, beef AND pork - AND it's made from the . . . leftover meats and parts. Like butholes. :P Got one of those?

Krissie said...

EVERY salami is made of leftover parts, COME ON! So are hot dogs and pâté.

jenny said...

Same here, though I lost my taste for baloney a while back. BUT, when I was a kid, I used to take a slice of baloney, zap it in the microwave until it curled into a "bowl", then make instant mashed potatoes and plop it in the middle of the "bowl" and melt a slice of american cheese on top. Mmmm! White-trash heaven! yum!

My sis-in-law goes for that hoity-toity stuff like those water crackers and unpronouncable stuff and it all tastes like yuck to me. I'm happy with a box of ritz or triscuits and cheese, thankyouverymuch!

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

Krissie - Mmmmmmmmm hotdogs :P

Jenny - Oh bestow my heart that WAS white trash cuizine at it's finest! Beautiful, just awesome! I only like my balogna cold though, so I think I miss out on the whole "fried balogna sandwhich" part of life. Ah well, I've got my bacon grease.

Upstate Broad said...

Okay, I guess I have to get special permission to read your stuff from here on, because although I was raised on "red string" baloney too, I have gone pretty far afield since then, and most of my friends would tell you I've reached gourmet status. I'm no stranger to Stilton.

You, however, have accomplished the impossible. You've made me want a bologna sandwich. You see, when I was about 20 or so, I once lived (for fiscal reasons) for 10 days on a loaf of Wonder Bread, a pound of bologna, and a bottle of catsup. (Don't get me started on the whole mustard-catsup-mayo debate, we'll be here all day.) The result is that I haven't been able to touch bologna since, over 25 years.

And while I've been known to enjoy both Dove and Godiva chocolates, they both make milk chocolate, and I'm a milk chocolate girl to the death. Yeah, I'll eat dark chocolate if that's all there is available, but don't you just LOATHE the people who use their preferences as evidence of their "superiority"? They'll tell you how it's a "more sophisticated" flavor, like I'm some kind of unrefined peasant simply because I prefer the creamy smoothness of milk chocolate.

BTW, if you're going to really do it up right with Wonder Bread, mustard, mayo and even lettuce, treat yourself. Have TWO slices of bologna!

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

Upstate - OK fine I had to google Stilton. It's cheese? Well okay, wonderful, it's CHEESE. They did have a pic of blue cheese on the front though and it brought back wonderful memories of going out with my girlfriend back home a couple times a month to this fancy italian place just to get their blue cheese and bacon specialty salad. OOHHHH it was gooood and damn it I can't HAVE blue cheese while I'm knocked up! GAHHH !

So are you a foodie? That's cool and you cook with bacon grease on occaision, I'm pretty sure we can be friends :P Well and no WONDER *:P* you can't eat the bologna anymore, you had a traumatizing experience.

And yes, the dark chocolate freaks can suck my balls too. Every once in a while I'll buy some by accident, and if it's all have around for sweets it's actually not bad, but if there's regular, forget it.

and p.s. no, only one slice otherwise it throws off the whole equation :P

Sunshine said...

Ok we eat cheap food too...but it's cheap cause it's from
Like eggs and fried potatoes mixed together....add some fresh tortillas....and man your full till dinner! Oh dont forget to add some pickled jalepeno juice! Yummy

Kellysmakeupandmore said...

ok I sure will I hope I get to come SOON!
I have been waiting over a come there!
We have been talking about moving there so we will see about that...
His mom REALLY misses him and Id rather hurry and move there so she can be with him you know its rather sad that sometimes they have to leave their moms just to come and work idk but i just hope we can get it done to move ill let u know!

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

Sunshine - Breakfast taquitos! Very nice :)

Kelly - Ummm darling you WANT to move down here? Have you ever visited? I would never ever WANT to live here, good god just ship the mom up north! Just promise you'll visit - during the HOT season - before you make any decisions. It's wild down here.

Refried Dreamer said...

woah woah woah, Preggo... Back off the dark chocolate. I happen to be the biggest fan of dark chocolate, EVER... not because it tastes great... which I now have been accustomed to, but because I technically can eat as much as I damn well please of it, to curb the nasty attitude AND (let me just paste this)

5 Benefits of Dark Chocolate

1. Studies have shown dark chocolate to lower blood pressure
2. Studies have also shown dark chocolate to lower bad cholesterol (LDL)
3. It turns women on more than a passionate kissing session (no wonder they want it for Valentine's Day!)
4. Contains serotonin, a natural mood-boosting anti-depressant
5. Stimulates pleasure-inducing endorphin production

My most important??? Not pleasure inducing endorphins... its the security of knowing that after I eat 5 bars and put another wrinkle on my ass, I'm doing so in the most healthy and wholesome way.

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

Refried - :P If I eat three times as much milk chocolate won't I get the same benefits??? Ok and three times the ass too, so nevermind, perhaps a switch is in order.

Kellysmakeupandmore said...

LOL wild is my middle name... LOL
if you can handle it I know i can...the only thing that would be bad is the scary people lol
and driving to Texas to work....having to cross that border all the time....

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

Kelly - you mean the scary people like the clowns or the cartel people? lord knows we've got both. But you'll do what you'll do I guess, lord knows it's what I did, just make sure you can always come back!

Suki said...

Oh, I Googled Stilton too a month ago. An uncle brought some blue cheese from abroad a decade ago... I was ten years old or something, and I hated it! The damn thing is ROTTEN and has MOLD in it! Eurgh.

Dark chocolate, though, is a different story... I'd rather have one bar of dark chocolate per annum than ten of milk chocolate. I swear.

But. BUT. All that said, I can live without the odd wine and chocolate and sausage(a luxury thing here), but take away my "dal-bhaat-torkari" and I'm dead.

Dal = lentils, Bhaat = rice, Torkari = vegetable preparation. Language = Bengali ;).

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

Suki - It DOES have mold in it! Isn't that crazy?? The blue cheese that I've eaten was so creamy and wonderful that I managed to get past it though. BUT I can only get it in a restaurant because that way it comes small and already broken up and I can pretend it's not mold. I looked at it in a store once and it was horrible.

And MMMMmmmm LENTILS!! Wonderful goodness! Plus mixed WITH rice and veggies? That sounds divine!

Suki said...

LMAO, you're saying that about all the food I mention. I guess we barbaric Injuns know how to eat after all ;).

I LOVE how cheap veggies are here, I love being able to whine when they seem three days old rather than "completely fresh", I love being nearly a stranger to canned food. Believe it or not, processed meat is a delicacy here because fresh is so easily available.
Of course, I'm appreciating all this because I'll probably be moving out of India soon, for a long time. "FML"

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

Suki - That's exactly what I like about the foods you mention - WHOLE foods and natural. Really no canned foods? WOW! That IS awesome. FML? I googled it, I'm lost, I'm coming to your blog.