Friday, October 16, 2009

Clumsy Klutz and the Doorknob of Doom

I've always been accident prone and kinda ridiculously klutzy. I fall down a lot and I seem to have a hard time judging where my body is going in relation to doorways, walls, tables and even other people - I'm forever running into shit. To make dinner I must first drop whatever I'm taking out of the freezer, bonk my head on a cupboard door, drop 1/3 of the food in preparation and cooking and knock over at least one glass of water that I've been drinking that's been sitting on the counter. During dinner I'll knock over my water glass again, nearly tip my plate over, drop at least one utensil and FOR SURE leave a couple tablespoons of food on my shirt or in my lap.

I never watch where my feet are going so curbs, steps and miscellaneous objects laying on the ground (trees, car ramps, toys ect.) are all fair game to set me up for a tumble. I cut, burn or bruise on a daily basis and I'm ok with it. I'm used to all this, it's normal for me and I only think about it when people that don't know me - or do - get so flabbergasted that they have to say something. My ex's pet name for me was "clum." Jerk.

ANYWAYS - I was pretty damn nervous when I got pregnant, I thought there was no way I'd make it through 9 months without damaging myself and the baby repeatedly. PLUS the baby books say that prego's are more clumsy than normal and tend to drop things a lot more due to the loose ligaments. I was really crapping my pants when I read all that and the only thing that helped were the numerous reassurances in the baby books that say the uterus is like crazy-cushioned and can take falling down and even car accidents.

So, how has the super-clum done these past 31 weeks? Well, the super-clum got a miracle. Miracle is a tad extreme of a word but I haven't fallen down since I found out I was pregnant, and THAT is crazy-town. I can't for the life of me figure out what's happened but hey, beggars can't be choosy. My knees aren't even skinned up (insert dirty joke about how I haven't been getting laid.) Sure, there have been burns and cuts and I DO drop things more as of late, but to not fall down all the time really is kinda nice.

Ok, I had a point to all of this, I'm rambling, someone edit me, cut me off. Sheesh.

Last night I got up for a 2a.m. jaunt to the bathroom but instead of opening the bedroom door all the way and walking through like a normal human being, my brain told me to walk before the door was open all the way and I propelled myself full speed into not only the side of the door but the DOORKNOB. The doorknob jabbed strait into my gigantic baby-home-belly and I half keeled over with pain. And here is what I thought -

"OH my god! Bastard doorknob and stupid non-open door! SHIT. Oh God, Daisy. What if that just smashed in her head? What if I've maimed her so bad that her brain is swelling up? OH MY GOD I can't go to the doctor and tell them I walked into the DOORKNOB. That's something you ONLY hear about on T.V. when the poor battered woman or kid is trying to lie and not tell on Daddy for beating the shit out of them. DOORKNOB, GAWWD they'll never believe me! WHY am I retarded? Daisy? Are you there? Would you MOVE or kick or something PLEASE? Oh Jesus. The books say the uterus has a lot of cushion but she's getting big and what if her head was pressed up against that exact spot and I've bashed her head in? Oh god. MOVE Daisy, please don't be stunned and all brain damage-y. A doorknob! Nobody is going to believe that!"

And so on and so forth. She's back to moving like normal this morning so I at least know I didn't totally brain her. WHEW, for real.

Poor baby though, I still drop things like a mad-woman. I'm pretty sure I'll be too frightened to walk with her in my arms for quite a long while. When I'm standing-still I drop things strait to the floor but if I'm walking I tend to throw them so I can get my hands out to catch myself. I threw my pet frog into a wall once. He was fine, but he was a frog. Daisy doesn't have much of a chance with me unless I get another miracle. Maybe a sling. If I keep her in a sling all the time I can't drop her right? I can walk her INTO things and sqoosh her but at least I wouldn't drop her. Poor Daisy.


Upstate Broad said...

I like the sling idea, but what if you fall ON her? I know, you really needed that seed planted in your head, didn't you? I'm useful that way.

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

Upstate - no, it's all good I thought of that too, but if I listed all the things I could do I'd still be writing. :P

Sunshine said... I've got a few slings...ill be happy to show you how to do those! Yes baby is surrounded in so much cushion...she is fine! Your a good mama! :)

~ellen~ said...

That is hilarious! I am literally laughing hysterically reading this.

Okay, obviously it's not funny that you hurt yourself, poor thing, but I am sure little Daisy is fine and hopefully you are now too. :)

But I totally do the same thing, all the time! My husband refuses to believe I'm not at least a little 'tarded. The other night I was just standing in the hallway talking, and I waved my arm and completely cracked my elbow into the wall, just as though I had no idea our house had that wall in it. It's like I have no sense of where I am, in relation to where anything else is. Ever.

My elbow still hurts.

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

Sunshine - You look so COOL in your slings, I hope I can pull it off. :P

Ellen - "It's like I have no sense of where I am, in relation to where anything else is. Ever." EXACTLY!!! YOU GET IT !!!! Maybe there IS a tiny spot that's missing in certain people's brains and that's whats wrong with us. Just like - " just as though I had no idea our house had that wall in it." You couldn't be more spot-on with this comment if you TRIED.

Suki said...

Gosh, I do that when I'm tense. Calm down, woman. Breathe.

You'll be fine.

And if you're that scared, just leave Daisy on the bed. Against all the "attachment parent" logic, and according to Indian Grandma logic, babies left alone on the bed tend to be a lot healthier physically. Let the babe kick and punch everything in her vicinity, as long as she's stuck to bed.
I'm sure you'll get the confidence to pick her up by the time she's rolling over! ;-).

~ellen~ said...

Yay, we are like separated at birth twins, with little holes in our little heads. :)

Seriously though, I have no doubt that you will be fine with Daisy, and not toss her into any walls.

Oh, and "Clum" = mean. :(

Sunshine said...

Babies who needs are met are independent children. Please dont let that baby alone....hold her ALL the time! She will grow up way to fast...and with in a few months to a year...she wont let you hold her! Enjoy her while she is little..she will grow up way to fast! Yes...we can figure out a sling for you...i can make one ....i forsee a shopping day...lets go shopping and pick out sling material..and i'll make you one! Ohhhh of fun!

Theresa in Mèrida said...

Gringa, have you had your vision tested? I was really clumsy until they figured out that I have severe astigmatism. I used to get brained by the tether ball in grammar school because I was forever misjudging where it was coming from. You can have astigmatism and have good vision otherwise (I am really nearsighted too but that's a separate problem). Your depth perception sounds like it's really off, which can also be a vision problem.
I loved carrying my kids in a pouch, and they were the best babies because of it. I recommend it.
Just a thought.

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

Suki - you end up telling me to "breathe" a lot :P It's good advice :)

Ellen - I always wanted a sister, why not a clumsy one to swap stories with? :P

Sunshine - that sounds nice, just promise to make me buy black fabric instead of light pink or something with a goofy pattern that will get yuck looking in 5 minutes or that I'll hate after a day or two. (unless it's rainbow, I really love rainbows :P )

Theresa - Good advice, thank you! But, I get checked every year and a half or so so I can buy new contacts. I've often wondered if I have a screwy depth perception or something sight-related, but I think when it comes down to it, either I DON'T pay attention like my Dad always said, OR there's just something astray in my brain. :P

Crystal said...

Sunshine is so right. My baby is not even 10 months old and he won't let me hold him like a little baby anymore. I try to lay him back in my arms and he sits up. He likes to be held, but he likes to sit up and stand up in my lap. I really miss holding him like a baby. Hold her as much as you can. I know they say it spoils them, but I don't think so. Babies need to be held to grow and you also want her to feel your love and for her to feel safe. I read somewhere that when she is real small she will know you by your smell and of course your voice and that will calm her. Once, you see her your probably will not want to put her down.
Yeah, I love Sunshine's slings, I wish they had them here in the US. When I finally get to Mexico the 1st place I see them I am getting one. Do they sell them along the road or at a store?

jenny said...

OMG! LOL!! I do the same thing! wait until they're toddlers and they get between your legs and trip you up! Or they play behind me (maybe not a problem for YOU) and I don't hear them and then I back up and nearly fall over them! Especially in the kitchen... I get in a zone sometimes when I am cooking and then I take a step and I trip over the baby.

I CLEARLY remember as a little kid, walking down the hall with my mom behind me carrying something (laundry maybe) and then I saw something on the floor, so I bent over to get it and mom didn't see me and kept walking and tripped right over me and tumbled to the ground. Oh! She was so mad at me! I think it's karma the way I trip over the kids all the time now.

When I carry the Baby, you don't wanna know how many times I've bonked his head on the doorframe or the wall cuz I am walking in the center like I always do and forget I need to move over a little to make room for baby, too. I've bonked all the babies' heads! Bad mama! They turned out ok, so I guess it wasn't too hard of a bonk! whew!

Anonymous said...

So far today I have tried to walk through a baby gate that was closed, tripped over my toddler, hit my preschooler with the refrigerator door, and clipped the baby's head on the door frame (all by accident, of course!) I am sometimes amazed that myself and the kids are all is one piece.

(P.S. I had to call the doctor when I was pregnant with Cooper because I fell out of bed. One minute I was sleeping, and the next minute I was on the floor. I hadn't done that since I was like 5. The laughter from the nurse on the other end of the line did nothing to make me feel better.)

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

Crystal - lol on the slings - Sunshine actually makes her own! I've never seen them here but I know she bought one on a road-trip somewhere. And yeah, I'm sure I won't want to put her down either - just to make sure she's still breathing :)

Jenny - Bonking of heads :P I should probably get a helmet for Daisy since I can't make it through the doorway without winging MYSELF on the hip. Baby helmet, google here I come. :P

F&F - The nurse LAUGHED at you!!!??? Tramp, so not cool! And you sound like I am with the clumsiness - but your kids are all cute and smiley and seemingly normal - so maybe she'll have a chance????

I told Chino what I did last night (tonight at dinner) and he asked me "Why didn't you wake me up and tell me????" "You could have died and I wouldn't know." I asked him - "DIED? Why?" He just stared at me and said he didn't know but I should have told him. :P I just didn't want to worry him.

Suki said...

Well, I'll obviously tell you to breathe if you write like you're hyperventilating ;o).

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

Suki - Always the level-headed one - :P - Why thank you! :)

Kristi said...

You crack me up! I can relate...don't get me near any stairs or steps of any kind or something on me is bound to break!