Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Having the Sex-Talk With My Fetus

I was stalking my site-meter for the goofy google searches that lead people to my site this morning and I came across this - "how to put on a condom." This shit is IMPORTANT kid so click HERE and educate yourself. You're on the right path so don't stop now and don't forget that if you don't wear a condom you penis will fall off (or your vagina will fall out. ) And then you die. And if you don't die you get a baby so go ahead and click that link and then come on back here for some advice on how to please your partner. Good kid.

You're back? Did you click the link? YOU HAVE TO LEARN THIS KID - don't let your penis fall off!

Ok. Here's the next bit of advice. Perform Oral Sex and perform it often. BUT ONLY AFTER you and your partner have had up-to-date STD testing to make sure that your mouth won't fall off your face if you do it. If you don't know what any of this means OR you don't know WHERE to go for STD testing or you can't afford it - you have no right having sex in the first place - go back to the legos for a while. Oral sex is wonderful and makes people like you more but you have to be SAFE about it. Oral sex could save a marriage so if your parents are going to get divorced make sure and ask them if they're getting any - it's that important.

Moving On.

(Don't you people dare send me any hate mail, kids shouldn't have free access to GOOGLE and it's your fault if they end up here unsupervised so there. Don't you know there are crazies out here on the Internets?? PLUS the condom-link was for real and if you think about it it would be a better world if everyone gave oral sex. For real, think about it!)

Now we move on.

I've already decided how I'm going to have "the talk" with Daisy (and any other half breeds we might produce.) I'm not afraid of it, hell I spout off sex talks to anyone within shouting distance that I think might need it. A girl here at work asked me to get her the post-day pill over in Mexico (much cheaper) and I told her I would but first she had to tell me just why the HELL her partner wasn't wearing a condom. I reminded her of STD's and gave her a stern talking to about how it doesn't matter the teeeeeeeesiest bit HOW many times her boyfriend might say "I'll be careful, I know how to pull out." HAAAAA. She told me she trusts him so I pointed to my grand Daisy-belly and informed her that Daisy herself is a passion-baby and wouldn't be here if somebody *AHEM* would have made their husband wear a rubber.

(It's ok Daisy, you're cool I'm glad I screwed up)

I asked her if she wanted me to buy her a few - 10 - boxes of condoms and she declined but I let her know the offer stands if she ever feels to shy to go to the store herself.

By the way, it looks a TAD odd for a 32 week prego lady to be buying the morning-after pill. Good times.

So Daisy. Daisy will be informed about sex and safe sex long before she can even comprehend it. I think it's best that way because my Mom started telling me about how I have two Dads from so far back that I can't ever remember NOT knowing about it - and that concept makes sense to me. Daisy won't be able to remember ever NOT knowing what safe sex is (so if she fucks up it is SO not my fault) and I think has a better chance of doing the right thing.

I'm not sure if I'd really go into detail about oral. I might just leave that up to the internets.


Sgt said...

Good idea starting early with the sex talk and all.

One question tho...

Is that some sort of stone granite dildo in the picture? Talk about unsafe sex!

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

Sgt - I think it's foam. Why it's BLACK is beyond me but hell that's why I chose it. A granite dildo. . . it'd be afuly cold you think?

Sgt said...

Whatever gets your rocks off.

Look at me.. full of puns today!

Krissie said...

Hi, Hor, hello, howdy!

Please, don't do a step-by-step instruction on oral sex for your baby girl.

Thank you!

Sunshine said...

OMG! I forsee a BUNCH of comments on this one here!

Sgt said...

At a minimum all the Google searchers this will bring in.


Gringa-n-Mexico said...

Sgt. - You're full of lots of things, that's why you're so fun to have around. :P

Krissie - Nah I wouldn't do that, boy parts are easy to figure out in that respect - BUT I will have to tell her not to settle for a man that doesn't reciprocate. I'm sorry but I'll just have to. (and the same goes for you girlie, if he doesn't give you that good nasty crazy shit you just keep on walkin!)

Sunshine - Pobrecita did you have that sublte "talk" with your hubby yet? I belive in you, you can DO it! :)

PuertoVallartaGirl said...

Funny I am a sitemeter link stalker too, and I found the other day that my site came up for this very very awful search... first let me tell you why. I had a post that was talking about the worst movie I saw on cable in mexico about a stepdad/dad and his incestuous relationship with his daughter or step daughter. Oh my god the searches...

"Step dad fucks step daughter in the laundry room" yuck. I'm very embarassed my site came up for that.. but whaddya do right?

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

P.V.G. - AWWWWW CRAP! What in the WORLD you know? That's just, ah geez.

jeremy said...

i'll teach daisy all about the oral. don't you worry.

Suki said...

Wow. You're SUCH a hor. Out of diapers before being into condoms, I think? Or before having condoms in her, as will be the case?