Friday, October 9, 2009

I'm Not Getting Laid

There. I said it. I've been holding out on this subject because I've scared off all the male readers I ever had with the prego-stuff already and the 2.5 left I was hoping to keep. (Hi Sgt) Admitting that you're not having sex doesn't help to keep male readers but I can't stand it anymore I MUST SPILL THE BEANS. I can't NOT spill the beans it's just the way I work. (I have a big mouth)

I USED to get laid a lot. I loved it, I remember it, I wish it would come back to me and I hope it will after I do the whole giving-birth thing, but for now it's like I didn't pay the water bill and someone shut me off.

Dear Pregnancy,
What the HELL pregnancy? Just WHAT is your problem with SEX? Sex was how we GOT pregnant and now you shut me down like a cheap wind-up toy? Screw YOU pregnancy and your stupid hormones DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND that my poor husband is a TAD fed up with this? And DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND that I can only be convinced to do so many hand-jobs and "other" jobs before it just gets damn OLD??
-Yours Truly


Dear Vagina,
I'm sorry but you got yourself into this mess in the first place. YOU made me forget to tell him to put on a condom and now you're knocked up and screwy and weird and pissy and confused all the time. GOOD JOB. This once-a-week crap is getting old and I'd appreciate if maybe you could ignore pregnancy once in a while and help me put out more. I'm not asking for a miracle, maybe just one more day a week? I'm not asking for a lot here, just something a little more reasonable.
-Thank You


~ellen~ said...

Stupid vagina!


Chris Allin said...

Not exactly what I was expecting in my morning read but hilarious all the same.

Suki said...

Awwww. That sucks.

Hang in there!

Upstate Broad said...

Hey, it's a temporary condition. At least you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Not like your man is on blood pressure medication that makes it...challenging. For the last 5 YEARS. With no end in sight.

jenny said...

LOL!! It'll come back. Truuuust me (says the lady with 4 kids!)! Oh yeah! It'll come back and you can go back to being your little horndog self again! :o)

Ritamg said...

No te preocupes mamita. Todo funcionara despues la bebe. Somehow the words of encouragement sounded better in Spanish, the language of love. In fact, you can cuss in Spanish and it still sounds sexy. Trust me, you'll get your groove back.

Krissie said...


But then again, what am I laughing at, really?

Kellysmakeupandmore said...

HAHA that was SO DAMN funny
you had me rolling!!!!
I did not expect to read this from the tirle i thought it was something about not getting any or not giving ur husband any

WHAT A SHOCK TO READ!!! but so damn funny

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

Ellen - Too right!

Chris - I'm not really into holding things back :)

Suki - Okaaaayy :)

Upstate - You win.

Jenny - Gaahhh, I guess you're right, but then I hear stories from other people who tell me that they were never the same again and it totally screwed them up and they had to go on horomone thearapy after the baby came, just to not be a dried out sack. Which will I get???? *breathe* :P

Ritmag - Gracias amiga. A veces, el español es más suave. And swearing is so much more fun! I don't FEEL like I'm swearing when I say it in Spanish, and with no guilt, it's just so much more amusing. :P

Krissie - Your blog-title was especially inspiring for me. :P

Kelly - you're so sweet, thank you :)