Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Self Induced Mange

Self induced mange happens on Makeover-Day when a 7 month pregnant lady realizes that though she hasn't SEEN her lady region in a couple of months that she CAN feel something going a tad astray. I know, I blogged about not being able to self groom a while back and how I was thinking about letting my husband do some landscaping. He IS Mexican, it's like, what they do in the States, I should trust him.

But no. I'm still not mature enough to let him at it even though he nearly begs. Too squicky (thanx for the word Krissie) for me.

So. A couple of months later I find myself feeling the she-region up in wondrous-fascinating-horror and deciding I can't go one more second growing a jungle. Monkeys could live in there at this point and I hate monkeys. Hate me tree huggers but the forest must be made into a park. A lovely park for my husband to hang out in when the weather is nice.

Scissors? Wow no, I tried and damn to the shit it's hard as hell to cut blindly, just never mind. My husbands face trimmer? You guys told me to use it and I listened but I was so far beyond trimming that it just combed through my shiny locks and left me more groomed perhaps, but everything intact. So. You know what I did. I psyched myself up like I've done 1,206 other times in my life and told myself "Oh, it'll be ok, I'll do it smart, I'll just use it as a strait edge razor not as a leg razor and I'll be like all intelligent in my use of it and wield it like a professional sculptor." Or something.

Something of course results in Self Induced Mange.

Call me "patches."

NO, I can't just give up and go natural, I'm not as cool as some people (Hi Jenny!) I just can't seem to get used to the FEEL of it. I like my house open, I need things organized and tidy to function right and not be cranky - so why would the lady parts be any different? I am what I am, and I am. . . patchy.

I will never EVER learn.


jenny said...

LOL!! Hi Lindy!! well, I'm not cool, I can't bring myself to shave like cool girls do! I look through playboy and all I see are little girl coochies.. where are the bushes?

When I was pregnant, I let the husband trim the mess down there.. I might be natural, but I still like it even and not all wild and crazy-- it gets caught in the underwear elastic. Ouch! I tell ya, the husband had FUN! He got a kick out of it, and even now, when I can do it myself, he tells me if I ever need help....

kay zee said...

BEEN there.
The worst instance was "Velcro-vag"

Refried Dreamer said...

You need tease hubby into the shower, suck up your pride and bend over. haha.... and put your faith in God. This is the one time that you need hubby more than ever... and he'll feel like he saved the day!

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

Jenny - :P "caught in the underwear elastic" :P Bwwaaaaahahahah RIGHT !!??? You ARE too cool Mrs. Jenny, you just plain are. :)

Kay zee - I'm going to have to google Velcro-vag and I really don't want to. Do you KNOW what google is going to throw at me?? :P

Refried - "tease hubby into the shower" Say what? You mean "don't beat hubby off with a stick to get him OUT of the bathroom when you're trying to take a shower"
Bend over?? Silly, I can still reach the back just fine :P

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

Refried #2 - On second thought, I had BETTER put my faith in God if you want me to bend over in the shower - Husband + Shower gel + bent over ME = Dangerous territory. POKE POKE ! Yoowwwwwzzz. You evil woman you, I know better. :P

Ritamg said...

The good things about hair and getting old:
1. Hardly any hair left on legs to shave.
2. Hair doesn't grow as fast.
3. And, finally, less hair that grows slow in the "she" region.

Bad things about hair and getting old:
1. The "less" from other body regions starts growing on the face in the form of a mustache and a beard.

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

Rita - You are so cool and funny! LOL I've already got the mustache and beard, my GAWD what is going to happen when I get older? I'll have a 5-oclock shadow I can SEE I guess, instead of just feel. NICE. :P

Suki said...

Oh lord, can you repair it in the bedroom with a sheet of plastic under you, facing the mirror?

Or - why not let the man do it? Presently, my boyfriend's my "stylist" when we aren't putting it off ;). Bush - no, not George W - for the win!

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

Suki - Bed, Mirror. MIRROR !!!! How did I miss the most obvious simple solution? I mean really??? *retarded*
Thank You Suki, you save the day once again. And for real? Your stylist? You brave soul you! You two ARE meant for each other! :)

Sunshine said...

Have you tried sugaring? doesnt hurt as bad as a but smooth still looking for a place in the valley that does sugaring! has a remmington lady nether regions shaver! trims it all right up and fast too. But you know hubs could care less whats going on in those why is that?

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

Sunshine - He doesn't care at all? Well that's just cool. I guess mine seems to be happy with anything - I imagine most men are :P So we'll just count ourselves lucky :)

Suki said...

:snort: You're irreplaceable, and I mean that in a good way!

The brat and I actually LIKE hair. He thinks I look artificial if I'm shaved, and I swear I won't go near a guy unless he has chest hair. Perfect match, yes? We trim when things... erm... get inconvenient ;-).
In fact, and this maaay be TMI, I stopped shaving my underarms this summer, and started wearing sleeveless tops! I'm still not brave enough to let unregulated bushes be seen in public, so I trim before the hair curls around my arms.
There's a big YAH to the Shave-Advocates.

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

Suki - He doesn't mind the arm hair? NO way!! Oh I like him more and more! Chino never says a word if a few days pass but he might touch it and smile and call me "Hairy Woman." A whole summer though? Hey more power to ya, trap those pheromones!

MMmmmmm I too like chest hair on my man, without just seems wrong and boy-ish - no matter HOW many muscles he has. And we know I love some man-leg-hair - mmmmm fuzzzy :P