Thursday, October 15, 2009

Warning: Depressing and Slightly Informative Post

I saw over on Fishsticks and Fireflies that today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, and I have something to say on this subject. Specifically, about women who lose babies very early on in pregnancy.

I had a miscarriage last December 25th about 3 months before I became pregnant with my current baby-in-stomach, Daisy. It's been knocking on the door of my brain to SAY SOMETHING about the whole ordeal, to say what I feel like I need to get out there about it and to share with others that it might have happened to - but I just couldn't find the right moment or day or, I don't know. Following is a post that I wrote months ago but never found the gumption to hit "Publish." It's long and not the most fun subject but I have an important point to all of it that I hope at least one person out there gets and takes with them into the future. So here we go.

A couple of months after I moved to Mexico Chino and I conceived for the first time. Not the baby that I'm carrying now but another that didn't make it. We found out a week before Christmas that I was pregnant and planned on waiting till Christmas day to tell everyone.

My Mom ended up GUESSING like the day after I found out because she has Mom-psychic powers, she cracks me up.

Christmas day came and during that morning while we were opening Christmas presents in front of the tree I began to have pains and feel funky. I went to the bathroom and came back and I knew, and there was Chino with a surprise present for me (we agreed not to get each other anything.) His present was a candle and mug and a hand made card that was thanking me for giving him a baby and how wonderful a mother he knew I would be and Merry First Christmas as a mommy. I thanked him and I made it another 15 minutes, but then I started to cry and I had to tell him.

It was horrible telling him, he was so happy about the baby you can't imagine, and I had to tell him I was losing it. I was really in a horrible state and he was helpless and probably feeling just as horrible and then the pains really got going.
We were scared, didn't know what to do or even where a hospital was in this city so he drove me to his family's house and ran in to ask someone for directions. It was Christmas Day so they were ALL there and they all came out to see if was ok and like 3 of them came with us in the car to the hospital - and oh god the rest followed behind in other vehicles. They are wonderful supporters but I didn't want to be seen or be ruining their holiday too and I was actually capable of being embarrassed.

The rest is gory details and I'm not going there but I can say I didn't stay long and I'll never go to a Mexican hospital again. I went the next day to a hospital in the U.S.

I have a point to all of this. Here we go. I miscarried really early in the pregnancy, 6.5 weeks and every person I had to tell about it - friends or family - said the same thing. "Oh well thank goodness it was early on." "Thank God you weren't really far along."

I know what they all meant, and I know they meant well and it was the only thing anybody could say and I'm not mad because people don't understand until it HAPPENS to them, I would have said the same thing if it had been my friend. But let me tell you, I would never say something like that ever again after this.

It doesn't matter if you know you are pregnant for only one day, to lose a baby is to lose a baby. That's it. There's no consolation prize for who can do it the soonest, it is what it is and it's terrible.

Now that I'm months along with another baby I do know that if I lost her now, after seeing her ultrasound and feeling her kick, it would be worse, and I can't imagine what a mother goes through when she has a still born baby - can't even fathom. But those early losses CAN NOT be belittled and pushed aside and thought less of. It was a life!

I was so mad at God I didn't know if I'd ever be speaking to him again - and this from a lady who claimed never to want babies. It was horrible and I didn't understand and I wanted to SCREAM at people when they would say "Oh at least.. Oh thank God..." NO, AT LEAST NOTHING AND SCREW GOD I BROKE MY HUSBANDS HEART and had to tell my mom on the phone Christmas morning that I was losing the baby, Happy Holidays.

It's hard to know what to say when that happens to someone, lord knows I'm a gigantic idiot when it comes to things like that or just plain speechless, but I ask you, anyone who might read this, to please not say at least these "At leasts." Just say you're sorry but no matter how well meaning please don't belittle it however unintentional. Please don't make another woman go a little crazy inside her head trying to remain sane and calm. Just let it be what it is, a loss.

Ok. Enough from me till I can lighten up again. Thanks Blog for letting me get this out of me and out there and don't worry about making the "I'm so sorry" comments, I HATE feeling weird and like I have nothing relevant to say or anything helpful to say in these situations and so I refuse to put my friends in that same spot. It's ok for you to just read.


Leslie Limon said...

Thank you! This is an excellent post. It should be filed under "For anyone whose friend or family member has had a miscarriage".

I had 2 miscarriages, both when I was 12 weeks pregnant, before having my 4 kids. Each one was terrible in its own right. I don't know how you were treated here in the Mexican hospital, but U.S. hospitals weren't that great either. Traumatic to say the least. (Maybe someday I'll wirte about it.)

The thing is, many of my friends and family were kind and sympathetic. But I also had a few people that were just plain mean. I was told that I must have done something wrong and that it was God's punishment. Others dismissed the loss, because I was only 12 weeks along. "No big deal" was what I heard! Ugh!!! It still bothers me to this day.

Again, thanks for writing this important post! :D

Kristi said...

Really sorry to hear about the loss of the first baby and I apprecaite you telling your story:(
On a side note, I had no idea you read Nicole's blog (Fishsticks & Fireflies). She has been a blogging buddy of both me and my SIL for several years now. Small world! I mean I know its the blogosphere and everything, but so many of us are connected it makes the world even smaller.....

~ellen~ said...

You poor thing, I am sorry for the loss of your baby.

I used to be the kind of person who didn't know what to say to someone who had just had a death in their family, so I didn't say anything at all. But almost two years ago my Dad passed away, and it just seemed like the biggest and most horrible thing that had ever happened in the world. When people would see me and not mention it, it would drive me crazy. Rationally I knew that this terrible thing had not happened to them, maybe they hadn't even known him, but I couldn't think about anything else for a long time and it just seemed like everyone should acknowledge it.

So now, I don't worry about not knowing the right thing to say, I just say that I'm sorry, and leave it at that. And I can tell that people are glad to hear me say it, instead of being silent and leaving them all alone in their grief.

It's too bad about those people who didn't know what to say, and they said the wrong thing to you. :(

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

Leslie - I KNEW I couldn't be the only one that this had happend to. Thank You so much for sharing, it IS a big deal and not to be dismissed in the slightest. You must have been a WRECK in your 3rd pregnancy, (thank god it worked out) I can only imagine! I counted every day of the first 6 weeks of this pregnancy and every week after untill the "viable" date, always worrying that it's going to happen again. To experience it like you did I would have been a gonner. AND! I know what you mean about people saying that you did something wrong! My husbands ENTIRE family blamed it on me falling down the day before and NO MATTER HOW MANNY times I TOLD them that the doctor said it wasn't true, that it was a chromosonal thing, they would NOT listen and just kept telling me to be more careful next time. I wanted to throttle them all, every last one. WHEW!! OK! Thank You again Leslie, I really mean it.

Kristi - It IS a small world right? Plus I can never remember how I got to reading certain people in the first place so that always makes it more amazing to me that there are people I "know" commenting someplace else I go. :)

Ellen - Ellen you ARE a dream. And you know, I appreciate what you said about your Dad and people not saying anything and I will take this comment into the real world with me. You're right, saying SOMETHING is more appropriate than ignoring and I'll remember that.
Thank You :)

Refried Dreamer said...

I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I am glad that you decided to share your story.

Ritamg said...

Hi Lindy, I also suffered a miscarriage in my first pregnancy at about 10 weeks. I didn't know it at the time, but I found out later that it is more common than you think. I was devastated. What made it even worse, the doctor at the hospital in Minneapolis was unsympathetic. He actually told me when I first arrived that there was nothing wrong with me. And he still believed nothing was wrong with me even though I was in the toilet having a miscarriage. Afterwards he told me he had never seen anyone in such pain over a miscarriage. If I knew his name or where he lived today, I think I would egg his house.

~ellen~ said...

Aw, you're so sweet. And I'll remember never to say "At least" to someone who has suffered a loss. :)

Crystal said...

I have never had to experience losing a baby and I hope I never do. I do share the pain of my grandmother who had a miscarriage and was never able to get pregnant again or maybe it just hurt too bad and she never tried. I love my grandmother so much and so I am so sad to hear about this when it happens to someone. I had to go to the hospital when I was about 6 or 8 weeks pregnant and the ER thought that I was having a miscarriage, I got so upset that they gave me something to calm me down and for pain. I was hurting so bad I was on my hands and knees in the bed. When the Dr. told me that I was bleeding (around the amniotic sac) becasue the sac was detaching from the uterine wall and that only happens when you are in labor. I was so sad, I loved my boyfriend so much and I was so sad. Well, I went to my Dr. and they found out nothing was wrong, they said that the ER Dr. usually does that so someone will go to their Dr. ASAP so the blame will be off the ER. Anyway, sorry to hear about what you had to go through and I am so glad that you are pregnant now.. I can not wait to see her. When are you due.. I think in December right?

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am continually amazed at the things that people say when they learn that you have lost a child, "At least you know you can get pregnant" being the worst. You and your little one are in my thoughts today, as is Daisy - I cannot wait to hear that she has arrived safe and sound.

JJ said...

You're a really good girl, Gringa. I'm glad you posted that comment on TtheD a few months back and that I get to read yours daily. Daisy is a lucky little baby to have such a great family to join. Suerte.

Yo Heart a Tirrin said...

I am very sorry about your loss... it really gets to me when people say it was God's doing, asi lo quizo Dios, God needed them with him,like what are you saying??? God would never want us to suffer that much pain, God needed them with him??? Hello we need them here! But then agian I do realize that people just don't know what to say when that happens. I haven't lost a child thank God, but I have lost my father and honestly I am pretty sure that a childs lost would be the worst, but death is death and wheter it's a miscarriage, a still birth, or when they are what ever years old, it is still a very painfull loss... May God bless you, your hubby and your lil girl!

Krissie said...

Aw honey. You never said a thing! I am sorry for your loss, it must have been horrible.

BUT! Look at how blessed you are now!

Dammit, now I'll have to lie and say Daisy is pretty or something...

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

All Of You Really Neat Ladies - Thank You so much for your comments, for those of you that shared your own stories and those that said kind things, it's pretty incredible how much better you made me feel. That sounds crazy to my own ears but it's true, your words are like a calming salve somehow and I appreciate them all, greatly. Honest to God, Thank You.

And Krissie - :P It's ok, I still expect the truth from you, silly. :P :)

Suki said...


Glad you could blurt this out on the blog, I hope it helps. We're here for keeps, just so you know.

:Bigger Bearhug: because that's the only comfort I know how to offer.

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

Suki - Hugs are the best, thank you :)