I saw over on Fishsticks and Fireflies that today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, and I have something to say on this subject. Specifically, about women who lose babies very early on in pregnancy.
I had a miscarriage last December 25th about 3 months before I became pregnant with my current baby-in-stomach, Daisy. It's been knocking on the door of my brain to SAY SOMETHING about the whole ordeal, to say what I feel like I need to get out there about it and to share with others that it might have happened to - but I just couldn't find the right moment or day or, I don't know. Following is a post that I wrote months ago but never found the gumption to hit "Publish." It's long and not the most fun subject but I have an important point to all of it that I hope at least one person out there gets and takes with them into the future. So here we go.
A couple of months after I moved to Mexico Chino and I conceived for the first time. Not the baby that I'm carrying now but another that didn't make it. We found out a week before Christmas that I was pregnant and planned on waiting till Christmas day to tell everyone.
My Mom ended up GUESSING like the day after I found out because she has Mom-psychic powers, she cracks me up.
Christmas day came and during that morning while we were opening Christmas presents in front of the tree I began to have pains and feel funky. I went to the bathroom and came back and I knew, and there was Chino with a surprise present for me (we agreed not to get each other anything.) His present was a candle and mug and a hand made card that was thanking me for giving him a baby and how wonderful a mother he knew I would be and Merry First Christmas as a mommy. I thanked him and I made it another 15 minutes, but then I started to cry and I had to tell him.
It was horrible telling him, he was so happy about the baby you can't imagine, and I had to tell him I was losing it. I was really in a horrible state and he was helpless and probably feeling just as horrible and then the pains really got going.
We were scared, didn't know what to do or even where a hospital was in this city so he drove me to his family's house and ran in to ask someone for directions. It was Christmas Day so they were ALL there and they all came out to see if was ok and like 3 of them came with us in the car to the hospital - and oh god the rest followed behind in other vehicles. They are wonderful supporters but I didn't want to be seen or be ruining their holiday too and I was actually capable of being embarrassed.
The rest is gory details and I'm not going there but I can say I didn't stay long and I'll never go to a Mexican hospital again. I went the next day to a hospital in the U.S.
I have a point to all of this. Here we go. I miscarried really early in the pregnancy, 6.5 weeks and every person I had to tell about it - friends or family - said the same thing. "Oh well thank goodness it was early on." "Thank God you weren't really far along."
I know what they all meant, and I know they meant well and it was the only thing anybody could say and I'm not mad because people don't understand until it HAPPENS to them, I would have said the same thing if it had been my friend. But let me tell you, I would never say something like that ever again after this.
It doesn't matter if you know you are pregnant for only one day, to lose a baby is to lose a baby. That's it. There's no consolation prize for who can do it the soonest, it is what it is and it's terrible.
Now that I'm months along with another baby I do know that if I lost her now, after seeing her ultrasound and feeling her kick, it would be worse, and I can't imagine what a mother goes through when she has a still born baby - can't even fathom. But those early losses CAN NOT be belittled and pushed aside and thought less of. It was a life!
I was so mad at God I didn't know if I'd ever be speaking to him again - and this from a lady who claimed never to want babies. It was horrible and I didn't understand and I wanted to SCREAM at people when they would say "Oh at least.. Oh thank God..." NO, AT LEAST NOTHING AND SCREW GOD I BROKE MY HUSBANDS HEART and had to tell my mom on the phone Christmas morning that I was losing the baby, Happy Holidays.
It's hard to know what to say when that happens to someone, lord knows I'm a gigantic idiot when it comes to things like that or just plain speechless, but I ask you, anyone who might read this, to please not say at least these "At leasts." Just say you're sorry but no matter how well meaning please don't belittle it however unintentional. Please don't make another woman go a little crazy inside her head trying to remain sane and calm. Just let it be what it is, a loss.
Ok. Enough from me till I can lighten up again. Thanks Blog for letting me get this out of me and out there and don't worry about making the "I'm so sorry" comments, I HATE feeling weird and like I have nothing relevant to say or anything helpful to say in these situations and so I refuse to put my friends in that same spot. It's ok for you to just read.