Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Please Stand By

This is how Mexico works. Truly. Everything.

Last week Chino went to get our internet contract switched from the old house to the new house. They said within 5 days someone would show up at our house and hook us up.

5 days came and went so Chino went back to see what was up. It turns out they had the wrong address. When he gave them the correct one they said that the previous renter of our house didn't pay off his bill and that if we wanted OUR internet at that address we would have to pay it. (Our house is new so it didn't make much sense but whatever, it's Mexico) Chino had a hissy fit and they said they would have the supervisor call him in two days.

Two days came and no phone call so he went back, found the supervisor and had a talk. It turns out they had put in a SECOND wrong address and there was no contract we had to pay off and that for our trouble they would send out someone the next day.

Right. It's the next day! And I'm stateside at a doctor appointment but they didn't show this morning anyway.

Lordy. The funny part? I'm so used to this after living here a for a year that it doesn't even piss me off anymore. In fact Chino and I usually make bets on how long it will take to actually get things done. My bet was no less than 3 weeks on this one :P

SO! I haven't gone into labor just yet, I'm just waiting to get back online.

Do they have wi-fi in hospitals these days? It seems like they'd have to right? I'd like to blog from the hospital when I go into labor, wouldn't that be cool?

Anyhoo, gotta run and get checked out - see yall soon! :)


Friday, November 20, 2009

What Would Bob Dylan Say?

After running into the gas station for tacos this morning (don't you judge me) and running (ok waddling) back out to my car, I realized the key-fob-unlocker-alarm dealie-do was missing from my key ring. It fell off inside my car and my first thought was "OH MY GAWD! How am I going to get in my CAR!? (I want to eat my taco) I don't want to call a tow truck!"

Luckily out of the mist in my brain a little voice came back to me, a little nudge from somewhere around 1997 or so from when I was first driving whispered to me to reeee-meemmmb-eerrrrr - remember that there was a time before key-fobs when people unlocked their car using *gasp* a key.

Oh YEAH! Right? KEY'S!! Remember KEYS!? I've never actually opened this car with a key before and worried for a second or two that it might not even work, but no, all was fine, the manufacturers had my back.

Remember when there was a key for the trunk too? How did I FORGET this stuff?

I've read articles over the years about "Things the Children of Today Will Never Know." You know, things like 8-tracks and records and cars without seat belts and such. But really? I never even had records or 8-tracks, I was the tape/C.D. generation and it got me to thinking about things that yet-to-be-born-DAISY is never going to deal with. *snort* Daisy sure won't be opening any cars with key's I'll bet you that. Hell I don't think Daisy will ever burn a mix C.D. (and how was that not THE coolest most bad-ass thing like EV-VER!?)

I wonder if she'll even have to put a DVD in the player? With these net-flix boxes that bring movies to your t.v. without even renting a DVD somehow I doubt she'll ever have the privilege of driving to the movie store in the rain at 8p.m. pissy because it's late and all the good stuff will be gone and then bickering with her boyfriend about what type of movie to get. I kind of like walking around the movie store plotting just how exactly I'm going to trick Chino into thinking a chick-flick is the right thing to rent that night. You know, it would be nice if the chick flick makers could put action looking covers on the DVD's, that way instead of seeing a guy and gal standing on the cover with flowers and a dog he would see bullets and fast cars and think "All right!" Anyways.

The other day I found an old box of 3.5 in diskettes that I kept my journal on and realized that my laptop doesn't even TAKE them! For realz? Bastard! No diskettes and saying "Don't flick the metal thingie!" for Daisy. Who knew?

I'm sure there's tons more - anything post year 2000 that you can think of? One thing she will know in her lifetime? DISHES. Mwwaaahaaaahaaaaa I'm not letting my offspring go through life without hating me for making her do the dishes, sorry kid.

(OH! And P.S. while picking up breakfast tacos at the gas station I ran across a new coconut-M&M. I never eat M&M's but they said coconut and "NEW!" so I had to, as any responsible consumer - buy them. And I totally like them. It's like a mounds bar without the coconut in your teeth and I'm afraid to go back to the gas station now. Granted it's still the same old waxy silly M&M chocolate, but I think we all know how I feel about shitty chocolate :P )

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Silly Pot-Head, Threats are for Bitches

Last week we had some stage-set-up-dudes staying at the hoe-tell while they were here preparing for a children's dinosaur show. We've got a 100% no-smoking policy here - signs are posted everywhere, and guests sign a big scary paper that says if they smoke in the room they'll be charged a $250.00 fine. It's not rocket science and you'd think folks would obey, but no, and the roadies were no exception.

The morning they checked out the housekeeper called down to say that there was someone smoking in room 209 and asked if I could please come check it out because in addition to the cigarettes she smelled something . . . funny. LOL I went to check it out and she was trying really hard to pretend that she just did NOT understand what this "funny" smell was or the strange papers left behind and the even stranger little seeds left on the table. I laughed at her to cut the tension and told her that it was OK, that I knew it was Marijuana and I'd take care of it.

I called the stage set up company and informed them that I'd need to fine them for a smoking violation, (leaving out the strange smell part) told them which employees did it (it would apparently be coming out of their paychecks) and went about my business.

Not ten minutes after I hung up with the boss though, I got a phone call. She'd called the violators to let them know they'd be short on their checks and this guy was apparently pissed and decided to do something about it. Silly. Silly dread-locked man.

He started yelling at me as soon as I picked up the phone and swore up, down and all around that he didn't smoke in the room. I told him I'd witnessed the ashes and leave-behinds myself and he tried to suggest that the housekeeper did it. "There wasn't anything there when I left." "So where did you FIND this stuff in the room?" He was a pretty obvious liar and being a dick but I figured I'd play along and give him an exit so he'd hang up and let me go on about my day. I proposed that maybe it wasn't HIM, maybe it was his roommate and he was somehow *cough cough* clueless. The idiot got even more pissed and kept going on about how he didn't SEE ANYTHING so I suggested maybe his roommate did it after he left. (Just grab the bone already!)

But no. He kept prattling on arguing and getting shitty and really REALLY wrapping himself up around a pole of lies - lol - so fast that I'm pretty sure he contradicted himself about three times in this 7 minute conversation. All of a sudden though he stopped yelling at me and decided to go about his next order of business. He forgot some of the company's equipment in his room (gee wonder why?) and wanted to know how I was going to get it back to him.

Seriously? He just yelled at me and now needs a favor? Gaah. I told him I'd be happy to ship it to him C.O.D. He seemed really paranoid about this part (I'm guessed the company wouldn't be too happy) but gave me his home address and demanded I send it out that same day. (sssuuuuurrrree) He went on to bitch at me some more about the smoking charge and started to get whiny and cry-baby about it stating that the last guys that did this got fired and if HE got fired I'd be sorry and hung up on me.

That pissed me off.

Gonna threaten the pregnant lady just trying to do her job and earn min-wage fuck face? Let's just see where that gets you.

SO! I called his boss back up, put on my best oh-dear-oh-my-I'm-so-upset voice and blabbed everything. I started off business like informing her that I didn't appreciate disgruntled phone calls from her employee and OHH-by-the-way would she prefer me to send the forgotten stage equipment directly to the company instead of to the employee's home??? She was pretty pissed herself about the nasty phone call and assured me that she knew it was inappropriate and was quite grateful to hear about the lost stage parts. She started making a bit of small talk about how stupid these guys are to smoke and gave me a perfect little IN for me to go into hush-hush just-between-you-and-me by the way mode and tell her that it wasn't cigarettes.

She was VERY interested in hearing that her employee was smoking the wacky-tobacky and I added in what I felt was my final kick in the ass by coming out with "Gosh, and these guys are high while setting up stage equipment for a children's show." "I'd be worried about just what they might be messing up, lord knows you wouldn't want things dropping from the ceiling." "GOLLY."

Hmm. You know? It's been a couple weeks and I'm somehow not sorry. I guess mr. pot-head was just full of hot air when he threatened me. Who woulda thunk it?

(P.S. I don't have a problem with pot heads - to each their own in a safe environment, none of my business - but he pissed me off.)

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Indian Food, Catnip and Tastey Mold

( SUKI !!!! ;D )

The new boss-type guy at work turned out to be totally nice - a little. . . different in the social sense - i.e. he doesn't understand that it's a little off to stand 2.5 inches away from another person at all times or stare enraptured while I'm filling out monotonous form paperwork for 15 minutes thus making me want to write faster than I have in my entire life and get cramps in my hand just so I can STOP writing and run away - but otherwise a pretty cool dude.

Yesterday he asked me if I'd like some coffee that he was going to make and I declined because I'm avoiding caffeine for the baby. He went on to explain that it's not really coffee but something he drinks that he just calls coffee because the Indian word for it would make no sense to me. Cool, it sounded like an adventure so I said I'd love some.

And. Oh My GAWD! - in a good way! He brought me this warm wonderful sweet drink that I'd never tasted anything like before - but was AWESOME. My tongue recognized milk, cinnamon, sugar and nutmeg and he managed to tell me that there are a few different nuts in it as well as ginger. He has a lot of English words missing from his vocabulary so he couldn't really explain what it was - plus I was probably freaking him out by barely containing myself and over-exclaiming and freaking out about how good it was and bombarding him with 28 questions at once - so I really don't have much of a clue as to what all is really in it. I DO know that if I could find a mix or somehow make it I would drink it every day and now I'm all freaked out and am going to stalk google for an answer.

He wasn't finished though! OH MY GAAAWWWD, later on he brought down something on a plate for me to try (picture to your right) and being my assey-retard self my first thougt was "Ok, I loved his coffee but why is he bringing me egg noodles?" And then I tried them. They were like nothing I've EVER tasted but they sure as hell were not egg noodles.

He said his wife makes them and they're made of beans and some potato and a bunch of spices. They were crunchy and good and the most perfect level of spicy obtainable (I think I tasted jalepeno?) and somehow reminded me of pizza sauce - but not really at all, just a certain spice in there that must be IN pizza sauce. And catnip. There was this vague flavor of the way catnip smells and now I'm afraid I'm going to steal my cats toy and throw catnip on our tacos because for some odd reason it was really damn good.

Next time he came down to check in he brought me a piece of tortilla that looked like a plain ole flour tortilla so I of course in all ignorance thought "Why is he bringing me a plain tortilla? I live in Mexico." Of course I tasted it and it turned out to be sweet, which was cool and I thought "Oh, well, it's a tortilla with sugar, I guess they all can't be winners." AND THEN I took a second bite. . . and. . . and this flavor that I can't even BEGIN to describe came slow and sexy out of the background and pounced on my brain like "HA! And you thought I was PLAIN! Who's the bitch now HAHAHAAAAA!" I could have cried it was so good.

SO, this Indian man (Manoj) has shared these THREE off-the-charts super delicious foods with me and I'm having a FIT in my head because he can't tell me what they really are or the ingredients. He told me his wife made all of it and when she comes here in a few weeks he'd be happy to bring me more. How sweet of him but no, no I'm pretty sure I'd like to instead beg his wife to live in her kitchen for a week or so and watch HER every move 2.5 inches away like a strange person. Ahhh how the tables can turn Gringa!

The shitty part? This friday is my last day and till today I WAS happy about that. DAG GUMMIT! I've even got it planned out in my head that if she wouldn't teach me to cook I'd sing show-tunes to her - IN SPANISH - Telemundo style until she gives in. But no, I'll be over in Mexico trying not to have a premature baby. Damn it unborn-Daisy, I for realz want to learn to cook Indian, you better be cute as hell - just sayin.

I can't believe that this whole world of food has been floating around out there my entire life with me having NO CLUE that it could be SO AWESOME and wonderful. Yes, duh, it's not like I've traveled the world so I'm sure there's lots of great food out there but. . . but DAMN IT you know? If he would have brought me 3 things and just ONE of them had been good that would be pretty cool - but THREE!?

I've never been to an Indian restaurant but now I'm 100% sure that I'll not survive and my life will NOT be complete until I find one and somehow try EVERYTHING. Till I find one I'll be stalking the internet trying to figure out how to make some of this stuff because I can NOT go without having it again.

(Just how the hell a white girl from the U.S. is going to begin cooking Indian cuisine in Mexico I'm not sure, but I'm damned determined I'll tell you that.)

OKAY! SOOOOOO - have you ever had an insane food epiphany? Or even a funny one? (SHARE IT WITH ME OR I'LL SEND YOU CHAIN MAIL) Like, have you ever been just waltzing along eating Macaroni and Cheese and stumbled across something amazing? You HAVE to share! (So I can go out and try it too.)

I haven't been this excited since my previous boss took me to a fancy restaurant and ordered us both salads with bleu cheese and even though I thought she was INSANE because bleu cheese is made of MOLD I ate it because I didn't want her to think I was a strange retarded bumkin - thus discovering that mold is freaking DELICIOUS and my life was somehow more complete. (And then I got knocked up and haven't been able to eat it for 8 months because knocked up people aren't supposed to eat mold (damn it Daisy you had REALLY better be cute.) )

Share YOUR epiphanie please. :)

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Hey Rhonda !!!

Here's a pic of the river I promised to put up. Lol when I said I crossed the river every day and would be happy to take a pic of it I didn't realize that my view of it while crossing the bridge is through a big ole chain fence - I guess my brain had filtered that part out. But, here it is, no people swimming across and no boaters out for a cruise :P Come to think of it I've never seen anybody out there in a boat, I imagine fishing is . . . somewhat discouraged here. :P

To make up for the crappy river pic here's a puppy pic (with a generous dash of boob) to liven things up. The little crapper is coming along pretty well these days and after I went online to figure out how to make my own dog food he's eating waaaayyy better and finally gaining some weight. Beef, rice, carrots and crushed egg shells for calcium - who knew it was so easy? Spoiled little monster won't touch dog food to save his life (literally) so until he's fat as a Christmas Ham I'm not gonna push it on him and that's that.

I was going to put out a pissed-off-angry-but-kinda-funny post today but then I ran across the neatest couple here at the hotel this morning. The new guy on shift last night left out yesterdays coffee and the couple informed me that it was a tad cold (and stale.) I did the Oh-so-sorry's but they didn't seem pissy in the least, just said that they popped it in the microwave, no biggie. Coffee isn't the story though. After they asked me about my gigantic baby belly, when I'm due and all that jazz - and exclaimed over and over how much they liked the name I've picked out for her ( so of course I now love them) - I asked them what brought them down to this area.

!! They told me that they were down here dropping off a load of reindeer for the city to have here during the Christmas festivities that will be going on. They said that they actually raise reindeer on their farm and come November drive all over the country dropping off groups of them for people to keep for a month or so during the season. They're from rural Minnesota but they've already dropped groups off this year in Boston, San Diego, Miami, Atlanta and now deep south Texas. I ooo'ed and ahhhed and told them they must bring countless smiles to children and adults all over the place this time of year and they went on to tell me how much fun they have and about the stories they get to tell the kids. The older gentlemen actually said - "It's a great job, heck, it's they only job where you get to lie your ass off all day and feel good about it!"

I felt like a kid myself just talking to these sweet friendly folks and they really made my day. So, no angry posts today, I'm just too happy and full of Christmasy spirit to go there. Instead I'm gonna u-tube some Christmas music and smile extra bright at people, I think it's just that kind of day.

Friday, November 13, 2009



New manager here at work! Is following me like a lost puppy and won't GO AWAY! And his stomach has been GROWLING FOR TWO HOURS - he better watch out or I'll try to force feed him like my real puppy. EAT DAMN YOU FREAKY MAN !!

No time to write! HELP!! :P

Oh, god, here he comes back from the bathroom - Gaaahhh I hope he washed his hands.

SHIT, gotta run! Promise to blog very soon.



Thursday, November 12, 2009

Picture of an Idiot

See that girl? The pregnant lady shrugging her shoulders and giggling "Tee-Hee! Who knew? Laa laa dee dah"

I shall be submitting her picture to Websters in hopes of getting her - okay my, I need to talk 1st person - set up next to the word RE-TARD in the dictionary. Sorry to all retards out there who might rightfully be offended by my saying I'm good enough to belong in their category, but Idiot and Moron just don't seem strong enough for me. If you can think up a NEW word, worse than retard, I'd be much obliged and willing to change it.

Why? Why all the drama?

I went to the pregnant lady doctor for my check up yesterday and got a big ole bitch slap of stoopid laid on me.

The doc pulled out her brand new vagina-horseshoe to open me up and have a look inside (Btw it was a cool one, it was plastic with LED lights inside it so the doc can light up yo shit like a Christmas tree! I told her she was fo-real pimpin her shit out these days but she didn't find it as funny as I - what's up with that??)

Anyways, I heard the ominous "OHHH" as soon as she lit me up. "Oh?" I asked. She proceeded to tell me that I'm dilated 1 cm. OH is right, I'm only 34 weeks and not ready to be popping out a baby quite yet. She asked me if I've been having any contractions and I sputtered out "I don't THINK so?"

I asked her a month ago what a contraction actually feels like and she told me something or other but said that I would FOR SURE know. She made a big deal out of saying that it was a WAY OBVIOUS thing and I couldn't miss it. HAAAAA! I guess she'd never met someone like me before.

I've been noticing for about 3 weeks that my tummy feels funny sometimes. At first I thought it was just because Daisy was growing a lot bigger and pushing out in weird ways and later when I noticed that my stomach would get all tight feeling I thought I was just over-doing it with all the house moving and work and stuff. Never once did I put it together that I might be having contractions. CONTRACTIONS!?

I told the doc what I'd been experiencing and she said "Yes, those are contractions." Well what the fuck? I said "But they don't hurt!" And she told me that they're not supposed to hurt. EXCUSE ME?? All I've heard about labor for the past 27 years is how horrible and painful labor - i.e. contractions - is! WHAT THE HELL DOES SHE MEAN CONTRACTIONS DON'T HURT!?


Shit a duck out of a two headed elephant damn it! I've been having contractions for over THREE WEEKS and had NO IDEA!? I'm DILATED for gods sake!

How does a pregnant lady not know she's having contractions? I shouldn't be allowed to reproduce.

*Deep Breath*

She wrote me a prescription for some pills to take every 6 hours to stop the contractions and told me that I need to be on bed rest. OMFG bed rest??? I begged her to keep working and she said I can if I don't lift ANYTHING and don't walk more than a mile in 24 hours. (Geeewwww, that's. . . impossible) she also said no sex and FOR REAL bed rest as soon as I get home.

These pills she prescribed? Lordy, lordy. She said that they'll cause heart palpitations and anxiety. I reminded her that I've already given up the Klonopin I've taken for years because I'm a chemically imbalanced freaked out weirdo with anxiety coming out my ears and had a small meltdown inside at just the thought of adding more anxiety. MORE? It took me the first four months just to get to the coping-point of not being medicated any longer!

She merely shrugged her shoulders and said it outweighs risking the baby. Of course I understand that, I'm retarded but not inhuman but SHIT FIRE she could at least give me a pep talk or pat on the back or something. Throw me a bone bitch!

Currently I'm dry mouthed and feel just like you might if you sat on your washer during the spin cycle. I'm jittery and my hands skate like a weirdo and my whole body feels like I've drank about 10 cans of Red Bull. People keep telling me I look "different" or "sick" and I have a feeling they mean like a "crack head." :P The good news? They'll only make me take it for two weeks, till I'm 36 weeks along and then they'll let me stop and let me go into labor as soon as my body feels like it. I never thought having a baby 4 weeks early could be "good news" but beggars can't be choosy I guess.

All in all I'm technically fine and Daisy is fine. The fine print will tell you that I'm a MORON - and a shaky one at that - and that Daisy is a poor soul because she'll have a MORON for a mother but all in all, we're technically fine.

God help us all.


Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Friendly Drivers

Dear Douchebags,

When I pulled up beside you at the red light I had all intentions of minding my own business and ignoring you like any other person. I guess you felt differently and that's why both of you boys turned your heads to stare, wave and make whistling noises at me. When you popped your camaro into neutral and started revving the engine I still wasn't impressed, but when the light turned green and you were still revving in neutral and all of the traffic around you - including yours truly - was driving away while you were stuck immobile waiting for your RPM's to come down - you totally made my day.


Still Chuckling,

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Dog vs. Man - Penis 101

Let's all smile today shall we?

Last night I was watching Pooper (still need to give him a name) puppy walk around and I noticed his widdle puppy penis was all red and funky looking. Before my brain could process what it was seeing all I could think was "DAMN IT! He's going to make it, I've nursed him back to health and now he has a BLOODY DICK! Damn it!"

After a couple seconds I realized I was merely seeing a dog boner. "Oh. Not bloody. . . Just a boner. A puppy Boner? Huh. Well, that's nice, he's functional I guess."

Seeing his wee-willie reminded me of something from back when I was a kid. Growing up we had male dogs and male horses that educated me sight-wise fast and early about the apparent workings of penises. I'm sure you've seen a boy dog or at least a horse or elephant on t.v. with it's inside penis protruding out in the air from it's outside penis covering. (Don't they always look so relaxed during those moments?)

Red Rocket and all that.

I remember one summer staring at our Great Dane's big red shiny dinker a hangin out and trying so hard to superimpose the same image on to the boy that lived down the road. I wondered if it hurt the boy down the road when HIS red shiny thing came out of it's outer thing and sympathized that it would be pretty sensitive a deal to be carrying around with him while he played.

I had NO idea that men were different than animals in the penile respect. For years. YEEAAARRRS. In fact I'm not sure when I realized that things were actually different but I can say for sure I was way WAY older than I'd probably like to print. In fact, oh damn it, I remember being in 5th grade when they showed us a diagram and thinking "Where's the red thing?" And when they showed us a condom, wondering "Does it come off the hairy part and onto the red thing? Or does it just go on the red thing? Is there room for it all?"

I didn't have sex but I did TOUCH a penis for the first time when I was 16 and I'm not for sure or not if I expected the red thing to come out or not. I don't imagine so but I'm not going to say that it wasn't in the back of my mind.

Now you know.

SO! For those of you out there with kids and boy-dogs you might want to somehow approach this subject. Please, before you've got a 13 year old boy wondering when his red rocket is going to pop out and before your daughter asks her first boyfriend just what is wrong with his dingle-doo because it's obviously not functioning properly.

Do your kids a favor.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Baby Angelito

I posted before about the other girl in our family here that is/was pregnant at the same time as me - the one that I shared a baby shower with. She's been a month ahead of me in gestation and this past week was her time to deliver. Thursday she went into labor, did her thing, pushed her baby out into this world and the doctor, the doctor delivering her baby, dropped him.

The doctor dropped her baby boy on his head before he even cut the chord. She heard it but couldn't see and asked panicked "Was that my baby!?" The doctor tried to lie and told her no, that it was the placenta and that the baby wasn't out yet. The placenta doesn't deliver till about 30 minutes after a baby - and did so - so she knew something had happened.

Little perfect Angelito lived for about a day and died on Friday. We had to bury him this Saturday and it, well it's just indescribable. I bawled inconsolably for about 24 hours and my poor husband was half panicked thinking I was going to stress myself into early labor. I don't know what came over me, I'm not usually so crazy emotional but I imagine it's something to do with the baby I'm carrying myself and the fact that the little boy she was going to grow up with is already gone. The other girl and I went through all of our first-time-prego-stuff together but for the life of me and as sad as I am I can't IMAGINE what this has got to be like for her. It surprises me that she's even breathing.

And people ask me why I don't just have my baby in Mexico and fix her papers later? In the U.S. if a doctor dropped a baby on it's head I imagine they would at least DO something to save it. They've got things to do and medicines to give if a brain is swelling inside the skull don't they? I know they do.

I felt like a big elephant in the room when we all gathered before the funeral. I've got a grand pregnant belly running around in front of me and we all know that I'll be delivering myself in the weeks to come. His family knows that I'll be delivering in the BEST hospital around over on the Texas side and I can't help but feel. . . not guilty, but some sort of guilt-ish emotion you know?

He was a big healthy beautiful baby boy. They had an open casket and I'll never in my life forget how he looked laying there. Never ever.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Green Bay Hor

We had a former Green Bay Packer player stay here at the hoe-tel for about 5 months. I didn't KNOW he used to play for Green Bay, all I knew was that he was currently playing for the Arena-league team here and that he was a total and complete man-hor. BEYOND man hor, I'm talking dirty, dirty slutty man-type-hor with no shame at all. The most slutty sex obsessed human I'd ever met. But polite. He still hit on me on a regular basis - even after proclaiming how big I was getting prego-wise and asking repeatedly if I was SURE I wasn't having twins, but otherwise really polite (and open) about his hor-ness.

The housekeepers complained about the crazy amounts of used and unused condoms in his room plus the wide array of porn mags and DVD's he left laying around. Women came and went on a daily basis but hey, he was polite to me so whatever, what do I care? He would hit on anything that walked so I routinely warned the new girls that he would be hitting on them and if they couldn't fend of his charm to FOR GODS SAKE wrap his shit up because he was surely sporting a lab technicians nightmare of miscellaneous std's or lord knows what.

ANYWAYS - He came back to stay with us yesterday after being gone a couple of months and one of the housekeepers brought in some stuff for him to sign. She's a total football freak and informed me of his career stats and such. Green Bay? Who knew? Now days he's playing for some new football league they have, It seems like I should be impressed or something but I can't find it in me. I feel a little weird that I'm not - but damn it the man is a GIGANTIC HOR. LOL I googled him and he's also a motivational speaker. He IS very motivated *snort* I'll give him that.

This morning he came down to ask me to unlock the pool area and when I came around the counter I noticed he wasn't wearing any pants.


All I could think to say was "Darling. You're not wearing any pants." He was wearing instead some of those teensy spandex boxer brief deals so technically he was covered up, but come on, he's a gigantic muscled black man 6'4 feet tall and 325 pounds - what were those things really hiding?

He just smiled and said, "Oh, I like to wear my tights, they're comfy." And went on to ask me when it is that I'm due to have the baby.
Like I said, strange and hor-ish but, polite. I shooed him off toward the pool to soak in the Jacuzzi as quick as I could - wouldn't want to scare any children - and wished him a good day.

I couldn't believe all the things I read about him when I Googled him. All of these wonderful articles about him beating the odds coming up from the streets, making it big, all of the volunteer work he does with children, the motivational speaking and such - and yet - he's just so unbelievably DIRRRTAAYY.

I just.
Who knew?

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Mexican Choose

Last night Chino was feeling his oats and decided to inform me -

"Jew know jew love my shest." "Jew think eets sayyyyxee."

I asked - "Your what?"

"My SHHHEST." (add in image of a grand smile + chest and arm dorky man-flexing)

*SNORT* I managed to control myself long enough to say "Yes my Love of course I do, now do me a favor, say shoes."

"Choose?" "Why?"

Dear lord. I love this man. Sometimes he speaks just like on t.v. when you see a over exaggerated gay latino talking and flailing about, and I couldn't help myself.

I told him that he says CHoose for SHoes and SHest for CHest. He can make both sounds but just can never seem to put them with the right words. He got a little defensive and came back with -

"Whadayver, I say it SHes. . ."

". . .Oh. . Yeah right?"

Dork. He's the best.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Things get hectic when you move to a new house - life is hectic when you're going to have a baby in 6 weeks - and I imagine life after said baby will be a tad beyond hectic. Like, Hell-ctic. So what do we do to remedy some of this?

Buy a puppy.

Yes. Because a puppy is EXACTLY what we need right now.

But look at him. Oh my god. Heavens to Betsy. Betsy would go to hell for this puppy if she had to. (And if not, then Betsy is obviously a heartless tramp.)

We want even more security for our new house and we thought (Chino thought, thinks) that a good scary dog would do the trick. See that sweet wittle face? That's a sweet wittle Pit Bull face - ISN'T HE SCARY!?? You would totally not rob our house if you saw that in the yard.

LOL I love little bastard already and actually called into work yesterday (I never EVER call into work) to stay home and keep him alive because I was convinced he was dying. Poor little thing would have died had I not trekked across the border for special formula and then force-fed him all day. I even took him to the vet over here in Mexico - all by myself - and used my limited vocabulary and miming skillz to explain that my puppy was trying to kick the bucket.

A few shots, some medicine by mouth, copious amounts of force-fed formula and having him sleep with me because he was cold and then getting up at 1:30am, 3:30am, 4:30am and 5am to let him potty and shove some water down his throat - and what do I get???

SHIT! I got puppy shit that was more shit than it was water (hhooorraay!!) which means he's already getting better and my efforts are paying off. I've never been so proud of a pile of shit in my life.

I haven't got enough sleep in about 4 days and now Chino is getting sick as well (God help me) but I feel surprisingly fine. Did I mention I'm about to pop out a half breed? I'm pretty sure I'm a bad ass. AND! I've got an idea that I might just survive when Daisy is born. Even though I was dead tired last night and really DO need to get some proper rest, I wasn't pissed or even cranky about getting up to nurse him along. If the cat woke me up all night long meowing because she was bored I might kill her - but the puppy is sick and I LOVE him like a bandit so it makes things different. I didn't know that I'm capable of being sleep deprived and not turning into an evil woman in need of an exorcism. This is exciting!

OH and p.s. I need a name for my puppy. I've been calling him "Pooper," and will continue to do so until I find something else - and obviously I need something else. Chino wants to name him "Frijol" (not frijole, just frijol (free-hole) which means bean. OR he wants to call him "Pinto" like the bean. Really living up to that "Beaner" image there husband.

I can't say frijol without thinking of Bevis and Butthead saying "cornhole" "CORNHOLIO!!" and Pinto just reminds me of a shitty car. Help us. Help the sweet puppy not be a beaner or a defecator.

Monday, November 2, 2009

My Neighbor Uses Viagra

***** I wrote this post last week and but didn't get to post it because of the robbery post - SO - here it is a little late - a proper farewell to my old house and neighbors. ;)*******

I didn't need to know that my neighbor uses Viagra either but I had no choice in finding out so I figured I'd share with you all. Our neighbors never tie their garbage bags shut so we've got a continuous stream of odds and ends garbage that flows down the street and ends up in front of our house. Some days a plastic bag, maybe a paper cup but today I came home from work to find this box here to your right in front of my gate door.

Nice choice there neighbor, hope things worked out ok for you.

Considering I have the maturity of a 6th grader I'll not be able to talk to them anymore without having a total meltdown on the inside. (Good think I've moved because after the robbery we went to thier house to ask if they saw anything and all I could do was stare at the man and think to myself "VIAGRA OMG HE USES IT AND I'M TALKING TO HIM AND DOESN'T HE LOOK YOUNG?? VIAGRA VIAGRA VIAGRA ect - I'm a freak.) Too bad I'm not cranky about the garbage situation - this would have been a GREAT opportunity to knock on their door to return their garbage and inform them that they might want to tie their bags better and to remind them that they need to go to a doctor if an erection lasts for longer than 4 hours.

Don't take me the wrong way about any of this Viagra business - I'm 100% in favor of men using it if it helps them - BY ALL MEANS please your women! (Or parter ;) ) It's just it has something to do with the S-E-X and therefore I'm incapable of not joking around.

I'm pretty sure I'd be worrying if I had a boner for more than TWO hours. Well, no, considering I'm a girl I'd be freaked out over any type of boner I guess, but never mind. Do you think if a man called after a 3 hour woodie that the doctor would tell him to wait another hour and see if it goes away? What is this magical 4 hour mark?

I'm not Googling it, I've got a feeling that wouldn't end up a productive search. Lesson of the day? Tie up your damn garbage or the crazy girl next door will tell the entire world about yo bid-ness.