Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Dog vs. Man - Penis 101

Let's all smile today shall we?

Last night I was watching Pooper (still need to give him a name) puppy walk around and I noticed his widdle puppy penis was all red and funky looking. Before my brain could process what it was seeing all I could think was "DAMN IT! He's going to make it, I've nursed him back to health and now he has a BLOODY DICK! Damn it!"

After a couple seconds I realized I was merely seeing a dog boner. "Oh. Not bloody. . . Just a boner. A puppy Boner? Huh. Well, that's nice, he's functional I guess."

Seeing his wee-willie reminded me of something from back when I was a kid. Growing up we had male dogs and male horses that educated me sight-wise fast and early about the apparent workings of penises. I'm sure you've seen a boy dog or at least a horse or elephant on t.v. with it's inside penis protruding out in the air from it's outside penis covering. (Don't they always look so relaxed during those moments?)

Red Rocket and all that.

I remember one summer staring at our Great Dane's big red shiny dinker a hangin out and trying so hard to superimpose the same image on to the boy that lived down the road. I wondered if it hurt the boy down the road when HIS red shiny thing came out of it's outer thing and sympathized that it would be pretty sensitive a deal to be carrying around with him while he played.

I had NO idea that men were different than animals in the penile respect. For years. YEEAAARRRS. In fact I'm not sure when I realized that things were actually different but I can say for sure I was way WAY older than I'd probably like to print. In fact, oh damn it, I remember being in 5th grade when they showed us a diagram and thinking "Where's the red thing?" And when they showed us a condom, wondering "Does it come off the hairy part and onto the red thing? Or does it just go on the red thing? Is there room for it all?"

I didn't have sex but I did TOUCH a penis for the first time when I was 16 and I'm not for sure or not if I expected the red thing to come out or not. I don't imagine so but I'm not going to say that it wasn't in the back of my mind.

Now you know.

SO! For those of you out there with kids and boy-dogs you might want to somehow approach this subject. Please, before you've got a 13 year old boy wondering when his red rocket is going to pop out and before your daughter asks her first boyfriend just what is wrong with his dingle-doo because it's obviously not functioning properly.

Do your kids a favor.

15 comments:

Suki said...

I love you, Gringa! :D

BTW - that Pooper is such a such a such a cutieeee!

On Mexican Time said...

hahaha - you are far too funny for words! Red Rocket - that's what I like to call them as well!

As far as not finding out til you were older... I know what you mean, well I didn' think htey had a red rocket, BUT, I grew up with 4 brothers, and NO sisters. My brothers and their friends used to have to teach me all the terminology! I even remember French class and I didn't know what cum was - they asked me to ask the teacher, it was a french word! Oh man did the boys get in trouble in that class!! LOL!!!

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

Suki - I totally not-gay love you too Suki!! :P

O.M.T. - AAhhhhhhaaaaaaaaahahha "Cum" tee-haaaaa ! OMG I would have died! So, did the teacher at least explain that it was slang???

jeremy said...

wait... you're saying mine isn't supposed to be red and pointy?

uh oh.

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

Jeremy - How many times have I told you to wrap that shit up? Now look what you've done to your dick. It's gonna fall off you know.

On Mexican Time said...

Hahaha - NO she didn't explain to me.... some of my other friends did later. i was mortified. I also remember in GRADE 4 being told I was frigid. I had to ask the teacher what that meant... "it means your cold dear" - oh did that boy get in trouble for that too! Who's NOT frigid in grade 4??

Lauren said...

Oh my god! Too funny!

I remember being told that a man having a vasectomy meant his balls no longer worked and he could no longer make babies, and that my dad had that procedure done...for some reason, my kid brain transformed that into "he had his balls removed." Imagine my surprise when I accidentally kicked my dad in that area and he fell to his knees. I was so shocked and embarrassed I ran from the room crying. I was confused about the whole vasectomy process for a LOONNNG time.

Krissyface said...

you're hilarious.

Here comes the lipstick!!!

Refried Dreamer said...

We DID have my dog's balls cut off and his dinker-doo STILL gets all red and gross. It makes me vomit everytime I see it. I send the dog to his cage whenever I see it. I suppose I'll do the same for my boy when he hits his tweens.

As for boys and penises, I had no clue what to expect, growing up with three sisters. When my baby boy came home with a boner... I seriously thought, 'ok. We're fucked. he's just like his daddy.' When he was three and started peeing on things and rubbin up on the bottom of the tub during bath time, I started freakin. Hubby jumped in, and said to leave him alone cuz it felt good! I can hardly imagine him still doing this at 36.

jenny said...

I never had that problem.. Mom and dad had a few issues of playboy and playgirl lying around in their room and I would sneak in and take a peek at the pictures.

First time I saw a horse's red rocket, I was 10 and it was at the amusement park and one of those huge beer horses had a hard-on! OMG!! Was that thing HUGE or what?!?

And you know? WHAT IS the deal with men porking animals??? Someone in the local paper got arrested for "fornicating" with a horse. I don't imagine the horse felt anything, but can you picture the guy standing on a stepladder and keeping the horse's tail from swatting him in the face?? Crazy, I tell ya! Crazy! The guy wasn't bad looking, couldn't he go to a bar and pick up a chick? I mean, even an ugly chick is better looking than a horse and she'll fuck him back... It's a crazy world out there.

Sunshine said...

Refried...OMG..your boy does that too?....OK my boy is normal! lol....This is sooooooodamn funny...im not sure what else to say...ohhhhh but wait...there are 2 different looking peters out there....the cut one and the au natural one.....I prefer my au natural.....bawhhhhhhaaahhhh

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

O.M.T. - Cold? In the fourth grade?? MAYBE he was trying to say that you were "Cool." :P

Lauren - Aaaahahahahahah you're poor dad ahahahahaha poor you! ahahahahhaha :P I love it! :)

Krissyface - Lipstick? Are you going to kiss me? I'll start calling you kissyface :P

Refried - You're going to put your boy in thearapy if he sees that you send the dog away everytime he gets a boner :P (and lmao at his baby boner and tub humping - totally natural - just don't send him to the dog cage :P )

Jenny - OMG they put the pic of that guy in your LOCAL PAPER!!?? HOW EMBARASSING!!! He'd have to move 5 states away to live that down and god forbid someone Google him!! Also, I'll remember to leave around porn for Daisy to sneak peeks at, that way I won't have to explain :P Now, to buy some porn. . .

Sunshine - If I see your boy next time and start giggling like a WERIDO you'll know why, oh geeez! And yes, 100% natural. LMAO !

gringa_mexi said...

too much laughing can make one pee themselves....red rocket! love it and lipstick is what my sis calls it when her ankle biters weenie makes an appearance. she is always like "Petey, put your lipstick away"...*giggle* I can't wait til my little nephew starts thinking he has lipstick in his pants!! hmmm, for putting on ones lips....EEEEEWWWWWWW!!!!

gringa_mexi said...

too much laughing can make one pee themselves....red rocket! love it and lipstick is what my sis calls it when her ankle biters weenie makes an appearance. she is always like "Petey, put your lipstick away"...*giggle* I can't wait til my little nephew starts thinking he has lipstick in his pants!! hmmm, for putting on ones lips....EEEEEWWWWWWW!!!!

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

gringa-mexi - OOOHHHHH now I get it! AAHHHHHAHAHAHAH that's actually pretty damn funny! :P What a goof, I love it :)