Thursday, November 12, 2009

Picture of an Idiot

See that girl? The pregnant lady shrugging her shoulders and giggling "Tee-Hee! Who knew? Laa laa dee dah"

I shall be submitting her picture to Websters in hopes of getting her - okay my, I need to talk 1st person - set up next to the word RE-TARD in the dictionary. Sorry to all retards out there who might rightfully be offended by my saying I'm good enough to belong in their category, but Idiot and Moron just don't seem strong enough for me. If you can think up a NEW word, worse than retard, I'd be much obliged and willing to change it.

Why? Why all the drama?

I went to the pregnant lady doctor for my check up yesterday and got a big ole bitch slap of stoopid laid on me.

The doc pulled out her brand new vagina-horseshoe to open me up and have a look inside (Btw it was a cool one, it was plastic with LED lights inside it so the doc can light up yo shit like a Christmas tree! I told her she was fo-real pimpin her shit out these days but she didn't find it as funny as I - what's up with that??)

Anyways, I heard the ominous "OHHH" as soon as she lit me up. "Oh?" I asked. She proceeded to tell me that I'm dilated 1 cm. OH is right, I'm only 34 weeks and not ready to be popping out a baby quite yet. She asked me if I've been having any contractions and I sputtered out "I don't THINK so?"

I asked her a month ago what a contraction actually feels like and she told me something or other but said that I would FOR SURE know. She made a big deal out of saying that it was a WAY OBVIOUS thing and I couldn't miss it. HAAAAA! I guess she'd never met someone like me before.

I've been noticing for about 3 weeks that my tummy feels funny sometimes. At first I thought it was just because Daisy was growing a lot bigger and pushing out in weird ways and later when I noticed that my stomach would get all tight feeling I thought I was just over-doing it with all the house moving and work and stuff. Never once did I put it together that I might be having contractions. CONTRACTIONS!?

I told the doc what I'd been experiencing and she said "Yes, those are contractions." Well what the fuck? I said "But they don't hurt!" And she told me that they're not supposed to hurt. EXCUSE ME?? All I've heard about labor for the past 27 years is how horrible and painful labor - i.e. contractions - is! WHAT THE HELL DOES SHE MEAN CONTRACTIONS DON'T HURT!?

SHHHIIIIIITTTTTTT!

Shit a duck out of a two headed elephant damn it! I've been having contractions for over THREE WEEKS and had NO IDEA!? I'm DILATED for gods sake!

How does a pregnant lady not know she's having contractions? I shouldn't be allowed to reproduce.

*Deep Breath*

She wrote me a prescription for some pills to take every 6 hours to stop the contractions and told me that I need to be on bed rest. OMFG bed rest??? I begged her to keep working and she said I can if I don't lift ANYTHING and don't walk more than a mile in 24 hours. (Geeewwww, that's. . . impossible) she also said no sex and FOR REAL bed rest as soon as I get home.

These pills she prescribed? Lordy, lordy. She said that they'll cause heart palpitations and anxiety. I reminded her that I've already given up the Klonopin I've taken for years because I'm a chemically imbalanced freaked out weirdo with anxiety coming out my ears and had a small meltdown inside at just the thought of adding more anxiety. MORE? It took me the first four months just to get to the coping-point of not being medicated any longer!

She merely shrugged her shoulders and said it outweighs risking the baby. Of course I understand that, I'm retarded but not inhuman but SHIT FIRE she could at least give me a pep talk or pat on the back or something. Throw me a bone bitch!

Currently I'm dry mouthed and feel just like you might if you sat on your washer during the spin cycle. I'm jittery and my hands skate like a weirdo and my whole body feels like I've drank about 10 cans of Red Bull. People keep telling me I look "different" or "sick" and I have a feeling they mean like a "crack head." :P The good news? They'll only make me take it for two weeks, till I'm 36 weeks along and then they'll let me stop and let me go into labor as soon as my body feels like it. I never thought having a baby 4 weeks early could be "good news" but beggars can't be choosy I guess.

All in all I'm technically fine and Daisy is fine. The fine print will tell you that I'm a MORON - and a shaky one at that - and that Daisy is a poor soul because she'll have a MORON for a mother but all in all, we're technically fine.

God help us all.

:P

21 comments:

Kristi said...

Better safe than sorry for the next two weeks, you don't want little Daisy to have to be in N-ICU. I wouldn't know a contraction either

JJ said...

I'm with you - I wouldn't know a contraction if I got punched in the face with one, but then again, I have never had any intentions of reproducing (and, you know, just for the record, I followed through with that... just sayin'). :) Take care of yourself, and try to think calm, happy thoughts for the next two weeks and don't be like all those other wannabe super-pregnant-women that are told to rest but don't listen and vacuum their whole house instead.

Larry Prater said...

Good luck with pushing up little Daisy. I hope when your labor starts you make it across to the US before she appears, to save you all the paperwork later. I was just up close to where you live, but now I am back home where it is more beautiful.

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

Kristi - Yeesh, NICU is def. not on the plan. :)

JJ - Punk, I didn't have intentions of reproducing either - but yeah, doesn't looked like I managed to follow through so great with that :P And okay OKAY I won't vacuum. We don't have carpet so I CAN'T but I imagine that's beside the point :P !

Mr. Larry - Thank You for the well wishing - I hope so too! And JAA JAA JAA :P You're back where it's green and nice :P :)

La Familia Garcia said...

Well good thing you have blogging, I hope that helps with the anxiety!! ;)

Sunshine said...

Ohhhh....mama...it'a very normal to walk around 1cm dialated.....really it is....and....stress...can cause all that mess too.
Drink tons of water....I mean tons of water......that tighting feeling is called braxton hicks contractions....it's like your belly gets all tight...that is normal.
Being dehydrated can bring upon those contractions too.
As stress can also.
Oh.....mama....it's going to be ok.
We are here for you.
Stay off your feet as much as possible....legs up...in the bed or couch....and tons of freaking water.
Ok....so this weekend....do not...i say do not...clean your house....we can do that for you....heck....that's the least we can do. DO NOT CLEAN!
And....let me know when i can do something....like take you back to the doctor or hospital at that....I'm here....use me!

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

L.F.Garcia - Blogging DOES help - TOTALLY!!! It's what I use to get all of those thoughts running around in my head - OUT! :)

Sunshine - Nope, no Braxton Hicks for me the Doc. says I've got the real deal going on, but she gave me the stopper-pills so hopefully they'll work. They haven't stopped anything YET but I've only been on them for like 18 hours so we'll wait and see! :) But water, I can do that, lots of water! :)

On Mexican Time said...

Oh my...scare a girl why don't ya! LOL! Just kidding - I would have NO idea what a contraction was either! I mean, I'm not preggers, but when I am - i really don't think I'd know? We'll see one day I guess!!

I've heard too many stories about ppl thinking they have contractions, and then turns out it's not. That would make me think I wasn't , LOL. Oh and also would have thought it to be painful!

You go girl!

Leslie Limon said...

Listen to your doctor!!! Complete bed rest and NO sex. I went through the same thing with my youngest. Even took those awful meds. This too shall pass and you'll be even closer to delivering Daisy. Hope you feel better soon. :D

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

O.M.T. - You get it! I've read so much about "those girls" who freak out over every little hiccup during pregnancy that I pretty much shake off everything that happens to me thinking I'm just being silly! I'm at the OTHER end of the spectrum :P And for the future for you - the contractions feel like your uterus is just tightening up a little bit, like it's getting hard (and you can feel it on the outside with your hand if you press on it) I only feel it on the top part really so that's why I thought it was just Daisy pusing out with her head or something. :P

Leslie - You had to take the shakey meds too? But they helped?

Blogget Jones said...

Remember, no sex means no toys, either!! Nice and quiet Mommy for Daisy!

I had contractions like that just after they told me I shouldn't labor with Daughter. Freaked me the hell out. I was at 37 weeks, but they didn't give me meds and she was born a week later. Hang in there!

Take care!
BJ

Fishsticks and Fireflies said...

If it makes you feel any better, you can put my picture in the dictionary right next to yours. I contracted for several days with Cooper before finally going to Labor and Delivery and explaining to a nurse that I wasn't sure if I was in labor or not. I am glad the doctor is being proactive for you, and I am sorry it has got you feeling so jittery and shit - I hope the next two weeks go quickly!

(And I started dialating at around that time during all my pregnancies. Given that your body is headed towards doing what it is supposed to, has your doctor mentioned inducing you to avoid you having to cross the border when you are in labor?)

Upstate Broad said...

Don't be too hard on yourself. And listen, contractions are not the same for everybody, so how the heck were you supposed to know?! Sometimes they're not even the same from one birth to another for the same woman. Some day, I'll tell you the story of my own birth, but you don't need to hear any stories that may or may not unnerve you right now. Note I said unnerve you, not scare. Nothing scary. I have absolutely NO scary stuff to offer. We want you nice and calm. You're gonna do fine. We all have complete faith in you. So relax. Have Chino give you a foot rub.

PuertoVallartaGirl said...

keep that baby in there girl. do what ever you can. ......

you are the funniest cutest person to follow.

I love reading your blog.

Crystal said...

When I went to the Dr. on A friday i was o dialated. So I had to go to the hospital on Sunday to be induced. When I got tot he hospital I was almost 3 dialated! 2 days later... from 0 to almost 3 in no time. No girl the 1st contractions are a breeze, they are not intense. Do you like your Dr. is she nice?
Hey I have a question.. how is senorita daisy going to be able to come home with you when you get out, does she not need a passport? I was asking because you know later on I may be there and I will already know what to do.

Ritamg said...

I don't know if will be any relief to you, but my sister was born 2 months early back in 1964. She's fine today. Sooo, if you do go into labor anytime, you know things will be fine. Daisy is strong, just like her mama.

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

Blogget!!! HI !!! I miss you! :) No toys? Booooooo
:P

F & F - For real!? Oh thank you, thank you! You just didn't want to jump the gun right? :) And you started dialating then too!? OH WHEW! That makes me feel a TON better :) You're the best :)

Upstate - You TEASE!! STORY! STORY! :) I'm pretty calm, the first day I was all freaked out (ok and yesterday too) but I'm feeling better now, I know babies born now survive, I just want her to not have to be in NICU for weeks. Either way, we'll be cool :)

P.V.G. - AAWWwwwwwwww :) Thank You! :) And I will! :)

Crystal - Whew that was fast! And no, I asked and they said under age 16 they don't need it, just the birth cert. WHEW! :)

Rita - Stories like that are ALWAYS a relief to hear !

Upstate Broad said...

It's kind of a cool story. I was so early that Mom was supposed to work that day. I could have been born in a toll booth if she hadn't called in sick. She experienced nothing that she could identify as contractions, and she'd already had two babies. All she got were bad muscle cramps in her thighs. The only thing that made her call the doctor was the way they kept recurring with familiar regularity. When in the delivery room, the doctor & nurses are telling her to push, and she's going "Why?" because she's still not feeling that "need" to push - meanwhile I'm crowning. If the timing of the cramps hadn't made her suspicious...I don't even want to think about it!

Theresa in Mèrida said...

Sometimes your blog makes me laugh and sometimes it makes me cry. I don't think I was half as sane as you when I was your age.
When I was pregnant with my first, I called the Dr and said "I feel funny", he tsk tsked me and replied " You aren't having that baby for another 6 weeks, but if it will make you feel better, I will meet you at the hospital and check you". We got to the hospital, the nurses took one look at me and sent me to the delivery room, I was dilated 8 centimeters,the dr almost didn't make it to the delivery. So I guess I belong right next to you under retard (though my OB-GYN goes ahead of us IMHO).
regards,
Theresa

Suki said...

Whoa whoa. Hang in there, put your feet up as often as you can, lie down as much as you can, make C cook, don't do ANYTHING you don't have to.

Have you arranged for someone to drive you down to TX yet?

And yeah, preemies usually end up just fine. I know two - they're both perfect little kids now :).

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

Upstate - Just leg cramps! Isn't that the craziest thing! And THANK YOU for sharing - !! - Oh my gosh! That could totally happen to me ( you just NEVER KNOW) and I would have had of course ZERO idea what what going on! :P LOL if I get any weird feelings at all in my body coming every 10 minutes I'm high-tailing it across the border.
"Is my eye twitching AGAIN?? I think it is, CAR! Gas the car! Let's go!" :P
Lol pretty cool Upstate, although I sorta would have loved it if you'd have been born in the toll-booth :P

Teresa - You're so sweet, and even sweeter to say that I'm sane :) So oh-my-gosh !! You really MUST have been feeling funny! (Oh lordy I'm pretty sure I love you now) But not the doctor - wow, silly man - dialated EIGHT cm!? Whooo Weeee! I'm glad you made it on time :)

Suki - He made tacos last night, good man :) And yes, I've got some neat lady friends here now that have offered QUITE a few times to drive me over. I was holding off before, being shy and not wanting to put them out, but this past weekend they both came out and said that they really don't think I should drive - and it was all heartfelt and sweet and so nice that I finaly "saw the light," and excepted. LOL now I'm all super relieved like I didn't even realize I was holding my breath :)