See that girl? The pregnant lady shrugging her shoulders and giggling "Tee-Hee! Who knew? Laa laa dee dah"
I shall be submitting her picture to Websters in hopes of getting her - okay my, I need to talk 1st person - set up next to the word RE-TARD in the dictionary. Sorry to all retards out there who might rightfully be offended by my saying I'm good enough to belong in their category, but Idiot and Moron just don't seem strong enough for me. If you can think up a NEW word, worse than retard, I'd be much obliged and willing to change it.
Why? Why all the drama?
I went to the pregnant lady doctor for my check up yesterday and got a big ole bitch slap of stoopid laid on me.
The doc pulled out her brand new vagina-horseshoe to open me up and have a look inside (Btw it was a cool one, it was plastic with LED lights inside it so the doc can light up yo shit like a Christmas tree! I told her she was fo-real pimpin her shit out these days but she didn't find it as funny as I - what's up with that??)
Anyways, I heard the ominous "OHHH" as soon as she lit me up. "Oh?" I asked. She proceeded to tell me that I'm dilated 1 cm. OH is right, I'm only 34 weeks and not ready to be popping out a baby quite yet. She asked me if I've been having any contractions and I sputtered out "I don't THINK so?"
I asked her a month ago what a contraction actually feels like and she told me something or other but said that I would FOR SURE know. She made a big deal out of saying that it was a WAY OBVIOUS thing and I couldn't miss it. HAAAAA! I guess she'd never met someone like me before.
I've been noticing for about 3 weeks that my tummy feels funny sometimes. At first I thought it was just because Daisy was growing a lot bigger and pushing out in weird ways and later when I noticed that my stomach would get all tight feeling I thought I was just over-doing it with all the house moving and work and stuff. Never once did I put it together that I might be having contractions. CONTRACTIONS!?
I told the doc what I'd been experiencing and she said "Yes, those are contractions." Well what the fuck? I said "But they don't hurt!" And she told me that they're not supposed to hurt. EXCUSE ME?? All I've heard about labor for the past 27 years is how horrible and painful labor - i.e. contractions - is! WHAT THE HELL DOES SHE MEAN CONTRACTIONS DON'T HURT!?
Shit a duck out of a two headed elephant damn it! I've been having contractions for over THREE WEEKS and had NO IDEA!? I'm DILATED for gods sake!
How does a pregnant lady not know she's having contractions? I shouldn't be allowed to reproduce.
She wrote me a prescription for some pills to take every 6 hours to stop the contractions and told me that I need to be on bed rest. OMFG bed rest??? I begged her to keep working and she said I can if I don't lift ANYTHING and don't walk more than a mile in 24 hours. (Geeewwww, that's. . . impossible) she also said no sex and FOR REAL bed rest as soon as I get home.
These pills she prescribed? Lordy, lordy. She said that they'll cause heart palpitations and anxiety. I reminded her that I've already given up the Klonopin I've taken for years because I'm a chemically imbalanced freaked out weirdo with anxiety coming out my ears and had a small meltdown inside at just the thought of adding more anxiety. MORE? It took me the first four months just to get to the coping-point of not being medicated any longer!
She merely shrugged her shoulders and said it outweighs risking the baby. Of course I understand that, I'm retarded but not inhuman but SHIT FIRE she could at least give me a pep talk or pat on the back or something. Throw me a bone bitch!
Currently I'm dry mouthed and feel just like you might if you sat on your washer during the spin cycle. I'm jittery and my hands skate like a weirdo and my whole body feels like I've drank about 10 cans of Red Bull. People keep telling me I look "different" or "sick" and I have a feeling they mean like a "crack head." :P The good news? They'll only make me take it for two weeks, till I'm 36 weeks along and then they'll let me stop and let me go into labor as soon as my body feels like it. I never thought having a baby 4 weeks early could be "good news" but beggars can't be choosy I guess.
All in all I'm technically fine and Daisy is fine. The fine print will tell you that I'm a MORON - and a shaky one at that - and that Daisy is a poor soul because she'll have a MORON for a mother but all in all, we're technically fine.
God help us all.