Random Marital Groping

Picture it, Mexico, 2009 . . .
In the car on the way to the market and my husband is feeling me up for the hell of it. I'm showing a little leg and he's helpless, can't blame him. I wouldn't want him to feel left out so I grab his nip and squeeze. Fairs fair beotch. He retaliates by grabbing a whole chi-chi and out of nowhere squeezing and making a fire-hose noise and pretends he's spraying the windshield down with my future milk. Huh.

"SSSHHHHHHPPPPSSSSSSHHHHHHHHH" "All over de place, dats what I'm going to do."

"Yeah well I'll spray it in your coffee."

*silence* *weird look at me* *staring back out the windshield*

"What you're not that grossed out are you? I won't put it in your coffee."

"Coffee?" "OOHhhhh that's not what I thought you said."

"That I'll put it in your coffee?"

"I thought you saeed ju were going to spray eet on my cock."

*Blink* "Oh." *Blink Blink* Aaaaaaaand Speechless!


Wonder where HIS mind was? WOW. Just wow.

Laptop Makes Me Nauseous

Just what the HELL Pregnancy?

There's been a lot of unexpected side affects (effects?) of this whole being knocked up THING, but I didn't expect to get motion sickness from staring at my computer screen. I mean REALLY??? WTF?

I had 4 months of morning sickness but it's been gone for about a month now. And all of a sudden I start getting sick because of my computer!? NOT FAIR !

This weekend I had the stomach flu and I thought well hey at least if I have to stay home for 3 damn days I can get some serious internet blogging time in! Yay!

HAAAAAA!!!!! NOT !!

This baby better come out real dang healthy and smart and beautiful because being pregnant is SUCKY. I Do NOT feel all earth-mother-connected-to-the-universe or that I am a vessel of life or anything else granola-y and wonderful. I feel sick and weird and I run into things and drop things and I can't see my vagina and I feel like I have an alien inside of me trying to poke it's way out.

There. I said it. Shame on me I'm going to hell and anyone that is infertile now has the right to call me an asshole because maybe I am.

Ah well. I still like the thing that's in me, that's something. And as much as being prego is lame-o I hope I'll STAY prego for the next 3 months. God willing bring on the toilet bowl.

Who Needs Drug Dogs?

Last week at the border I was had an interesting experience with a border gaurd. Interesting and. . . different.

I cross Mon - Fri in the early morning hours to get to my job and crossing the border is just a part of the daily routine. The border gaurds that have to question me range daily from asshole to respectful, wierd to normal enough. Last week I got my first. .. well I'm not sure what he was, maybe a freak or maybe just a dork, freaky dork perhaps.

I drove up to his booth and handed over my passport and he took it without saying anything, scanned it and looked at his computer screen. All-was-well this is what they do. But then he turned to me in my car and looked strangely at my passport. He looked really close at it (I thought what did I get chocolate on it? shit!) and then brought it up to his nose. And sniffed. Repeatedly, and he looked all serious about it.

Border gaurds are really into thier jobs and I was thinking "Damn is this dude smelling for drugs? Is there some baby powder or something that looks suspicous on there? CAN humans smell for drugs? I don't have anything illegal but this is scary just what in the HELL?"

At this point he had still not spoke to me and what could I do? I just stared at him while he turned it over and flipped through the pages. Finally he spoke.

"Heel-huck! This smells goood!"

"*blink*" "*stare*"

"UHhoool your passport I mean, it smells nice!"

He was grinning and kind of chuckling and really damn happy and I wasn't sure if he was embarrased or not AND I was so shocked I was still speechless.

"I mean, it's got your per-fume on it, it smells nice."

Finaly I spoke -

"Dude you were smelling my passport!"

Eloquent I know. I would normaly be shocked that I said such a thing to a border guard but hell he was laughing too and already telling me to pass and have a nice day.

He sniffed my passport. HE SNIFFED MY PASSPORT! If I were my passport I would feel violated.

That was the first day I ever wore that particular body lotion and I haven't worn it since, I feel it's just too potent. I'm saving it for my husband. Cuz damn.

Hearing the First Kick

Chino has spent a lot of time with his head on my belly, ear down, listening for the baby these last couple months. I tried to explain that the baby isn't a train but he was determined and I thought it was sweet so, whatever, have at it.

A couple of weeks ago I told him she was kicking in there so he assumed the position and like normal she went still again. I don't know if it's the pressure or a creepy baby-spidey-sense but she doesn't like to move for him and he was pretty bummed about not feeling anything yet.

Anyhoo, I said aloud "Kick 'im in the head Daisy!" :P And she complied, good baby. As soon as she kicked his head came flying up and he says "I heard it! I could hear it!"

"You mean feel it?"

"A leetle but I heard it good."

"Well what did it sound like?"

"huh?" *shoulder shrug* "Like a keek."

Ohhhhhkaaayyy. I don't get it but I'm glad whatever he was looking for finally happened and he doesn't feel left out anymore.

Milestones

My second ultrasound kinda sucked. The baby is fine but I came away a little worse for wear, but not bad.

The second one is the BIG one where they show you everything and tell you if it's a boy or girl, give you pictures, all that good stuff.

Mine started off normal with the nurse taking my blood pressure, talking about vitamins and making the usual medical rounds. And then she decided to speak her mind or ... something, out of knowhere - BAM !

"You know you're having a sonogram today don't you?"

"Yes! It's exciting!"

"And nobody came with you? What, nobody CARES that you havea baby growing in you or WHAT??" "Nobody could be bothered to come with you?"

She said it all in this disgusted tone that didn't really leave me an opening to even explain. And I didn't want to explain, I shouldn't have HAD TO explain. I was so flabbergasted and shocked - I went from carefree and happy and looking forward to this to crushed in all of 2 seconds, and all I could stammer out was "Well, sometimes people just can't come."

She snorted and thankfully went silent.

She's an O.B. nurse hasn't she ever seen someone ALONE before? What the fuck is so wrong with her that she would have to DO that to me? Does every person with a sonogram come in with a ton of people? What about people in this world who don't HAVE anyone?

For shit sake I'm at least lucky enough to have family and a husband. But yeah, I live 26 hours from home and my best friend and my Mom can't exactly drive down to meet me at the doctor and my husband is sort of DEPORTED and can't cross the fucking border to come and be with me and I haven't made any friends here and feel like a piece of shit enough - how about THAT
bitch!?

That woman is a waste of space. What if I were a victim of rape or someone who was keeping the pregnancy a secret or was going to give up the baby for adoption? Do those people need to be feeling-fucked too? Fucking Idiot. Fucking Moron.

I just sat there in silence, dumbfounded and feeling emotionally beat down until the OB came. She and the sonogram lady have enough sense to keep their damn mouths shut.

I'm not looking forward to the conversation when my OB and I actually DO discuss the whole event of giving birth. Even though she's really cool I don't want to see the look on her face when I have to tell her that I'll be driving to the hospital by myself and giving birth all by myself. I'm too nervous to ask if they'll let me leave after the standard 2 day stay, by myself. I'm afraid that they'll say I have to be with someone.

I want to ask about child birth classes but I've never seen a class on t.v. that didn't have couples of SOME type. I don't want to show up alone with my pillow and look like the sad dejected girl with something so wrong with her that she has to be alone. And I don't want to explain my situation like a circus freak and have strangers feel sorry for me and pity me.

From the very beginning the whole thing was clear to me and I knew that I'd just do what I gotta do. It's only 2 days out of my life and the baby's life, it's not the end of the world and I pride myself on being brave. People give birth like every second of the day, it's not like it's... (a big deal.)

I should feel lucky, and I guess I do. There are people in the world that are infertile and would give ANYTHING to have a baby of their own. I'm lucky enough to have medical care and to be able to have my doctor in the U.S. and not Mexico. I have a healthy baby so far and a husband that is crazy in love with her already.

It's just hard sometimes and I get to crying about it like a big baby and feeling all sad. And on grand days like today I remember that Chino and I didn't even get to have a real wedding, no family no friends like I had imagined for so long. I wanted my mom to cry and my Dads to give me away. And now I have to give birth alone.

These things are just milestones set up by society to be important and herald as THE MOST IMPORTANT DAYS OF YOUR LIFE, I just need to let them go, screw society and it's important dates. Sometimes you just have to DO things

I need to cherish when I'm alone at night with my husband and he declares that he's going to go to sleep with the baby. Last night he scooted on down the bed and put his head squished up against by belly to be with Daisy and threw his arm around my back and declared "Oooo and I gedt de boody too." And later in the night when I woke up and started feeling sorry for myself all I had to do was find him in the dark and nestle myself up to him to feel love and relief. Can't that be enough? I need that to be enough.

Being Tan Is For Leather

When I moved here to Mexico over 9 months ago I imagined myself becoming for the first time ever - a bronze goddess. I've always been a fair skinned gal and the whole tan thing has just never come to me. I've tried, my good dear have I tried, but all in vain.

Every winter I turn paper white and come spring, even though I swear I don't care and I'm above it and say - "I'M going to stay OUT of the sun because I care about my skin and I won't wrinkle." - as soon as I see my best friend or girls in Walmart starting to brown up all that shit goes out the window. I make a mad dash for a tanning bed somewhere and actually PAY someone to cook myself crispy in 12 minutes or less.

I come out with a red-circle baboon assed, burnt back burned chest and a crispy face. I'll sport perfect white racing stripes down my sides where sun will not go and the same pasty legs I walked in on. Maybe I'd do that twice before I gave up and settled in for a long summer of farmer tan or maybe another crispy episode after a day at the beach.

Upon moving to Mexico though I thought it would all change ! I had daydreams of wearing SLEEVELESS tops for the first time ever and not having a t-shirt farmers tan. I imagined spaghetti strap tank tops and shorts with brown legs. I figured I'd just sort of HAVE to get tan because it's always warm here and people just naturally wear less clothes and are therefore tan.

It is late August now and I'm whiter than I would be if I were back home in Michigan. Why? Because it's been UNGODLY, UNCALLED FOR, CRAP-ON-A-CRACKER ger-flaggin HOT here for the last 2 months. Four months ago it was in the 80's all the time, then 3 months ago the 90's and now for the past two months we've not gone under 100 during the day.

WHY in the name of ANYTHING HOLY would people CHOOSE to live here??? It's beyond my comprehension why anybody ever stayed here to populate and didn't just keep on a walkin north. Good Night !

*calming*

Whatever. Bronze Goddess? HA! This pale tramp refuses to leave her house during daylight hours. I sort of don't want to go outside and DIE.

Honestly though, I leave for work before sun-up, make a flying trip home, (a flying 10 miles that takes 50 minutes where I swear a lot) get into the house and do not venture out till the sun is partially down. On the weekends we stay inside all day and only go out - when the sun down. Catching a vampiress theme here?

When I went home a month ago for a visit everyone resumed making fun of my paleness, but with renewed gusto because how can I live in Mexico and not be tan?? Har-dee-har-har.

Mexican culture praises light skin, I think it's kind of like us wanting to be tan, the people in commercials are white and you won't see a REAL mexican looking person on a billboard or doing MTV. Unfortunately it's different to see a half transparent lady walking down the street, and I'm pretty sure I scare people. Either that or they just figure somethings wrong with me.

Ah well, least I won't be a wrinkly leather bag.

So there.

Bitches.

Tan bitches though.

HA !!! I'm McGyver TOO !!

Media Player can Suck It ! HA !

A friend of mine gave me a mini SD card with a bunch of music on it to add to my new computer or mp3 player. It's one of those tiny ones that goes in a cell phone or mp3 player and I don't think my computer has a slot for it. SO I used my super smart skeellz to put it in the Mp3 player, plug it in to the computer and take the files off that way.

It would have been great but for whatever reason that my super skillz do not comprehend, my computer didn't want to take the files off. It would PLAY the music so I knew there had to be a way you know? But I don't know much about the smarts of computers so I fiddled around 2 or 3 different ways that I could think to tackle it, opening it in different locations asking it to save different ways - what the hell do I know, but I tried. I know there is some terribly simple solution out there but my brain doesn't contain it.

ANYWAYS after an hour I got the bright idea to BURN the music to cd from the computer strait from the MP3 player. And it worked !!! After it's burned all I have to do is take the CD out, put it back in, and RIP the music !

HAA !! HAHAHAH !!! Ignorant people can do things on computers too !! So THERE Media Player ! Suck my balls and play my new playlist !!

BEEOTCH !

Now of course I have to burn 250 songs but whatever, I feel stupid-person-smart and I don't care. Chino's not the only one who can figure stuff out :P

Of Conception and Pastry

I remember exactly when and how we concieved. And the conception? Um... :P well it was good but let's just say it wasn't in the most ... romantic of...ways.

Is this something many people who have kids remember? It's our first kid, I was thinking it would be special and romantic and you know... missionary. Ah well, passion is good right? :P I'm afraid though when she's around my age now I'll end up telling her. Ok so I have a big mouth and I KNOW I'll tell her and that's no good. I wouldn't want MY mom to tell me. I'm ok thinking the stork came or they stole me from a hospital - anything but the truth. Screw being adult, I don't care.

I told Chino I was knocked up about 2 weeks later (I knew we screwed up, *cough* er...created a blessing, the day after.) I was thinking about all these cool ways to do it, since it's sort of his life's ambition to reproduce and I wanted it to be special, but I couldn't wait.

I came out of the bathroom and found him at the kitchen table standing there with a coke in one hand and pastry in the other. He took a bite and I just blurted it out. He threw the pastry on the table, sputterd out his bite onto the floor and and hugged me. "Jour going to be a maahhhmeee!" He turned misty eyed and I got all fidgety and didn't know what the hell to do with myself but stand there like a knocked up dummy.

I had bought a shitty ass prego test here in mexico - that cost me about $20.00 U.S. and it's results were so lame I almost didn't find out I was pregnant. $20.00 is a LOT here and it was still the cheapest test they had. These people have a lot of damn babies, it seems like they'd fight for cheaper tests you know?

Anyways I peed on the stick and just the one line popped up right away. One line means the test worked right but no baby and I looked at it and thought "Oh thank God thank GOD!" But I kind of lingered and hung out for a bit, I couldn't figure out why but I was a little dissapointed. I went into the kitchen for something, sat on the couch - still acting wierd and dissapointed - and decided to go back and check the test again like 10 minutes later.

And, lo and behold, there was the faintest damn second line. "Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit" about sums it up and I took a flying trip back to the pharmacia and bought the better test, the $28.00 test (bastards.) It came up right away and there we have it. Back to almost choking my husband with pastry.

One little canine romp, and here we are.

Dirty Hotel Secrets: Part 1

Dirty Hotel Secrets : Part ONE

***note I live in MX but work in Texas, these are USA hotels***

I'll get around to talking about Mexico eventually but this is on my mind right now and I think you all should know. A lot of you travel right? Well, here are some things to... think about.

After about my 2nd week working front desk I was back in the laundry room (they're too cheap to hire laundry workers so the front desk washes, dries and folds when we're not doing other things) doing laundry, when it finally hit me that the housekeepers never bring the comforters or brown fuzzy blankets down to me to wash. I thought "Huh, they must send those out to be washed, and the cheap bastards make us do the towels and sheets."

..........

Theeeen I got a bad feeling. I never saw a truck come and go and I never signed for anything, so I asked the housekeeper. There is no magical truck that comes, the blankets stay in the room. Forever.

Did you guys read that? HOTELS DO NOT WASH THEIR COMFORTER BLANKETS OR THEIR FUZZY BROWN BLANKETS. Not even once a month. I've been there 6 months now and they have NEVER done a full washing. Maybe once a week a housekeeper will bring one down to me because it has an OBVIOUS stain, or maybe a guest will complain about the comforter smelling of cologne (that's happened ONCE) and we'll wash the offending blanket, but that's IT. IN SIX MONTHS.

I work at a BW by the way, I would imagine you've heard of it. Yes THAT BIG OF A CHAIN !!! AAANNNDDD I asked the housekeeper when I figured it out (and flipped my fucking gourd) if this was the only hotel that she had ever heard of doing that. Like, maybe the owners are just horribly cheap and law breakers or something.

Ha!! Hahahahahahhahahhah WRONG. She has worked for a BW, A Super 8, a La Quinta and an Americas Best Value, a Comfort inn and a Comfort suites AND A HAMPTON, and she has never seen anyone wash those items on a regular (how about DAILY????) basis.

So yeah. The people that stay with us are sleeping on no less than 9 months (new hotel) of other peoples . . . STUFF !!

I CAN BARELY STAND THE THOUGHT OF IT!!!! I CAN'T !!!

Do you KNOW what people DO in these rooms? OMG and not just sex and jizz but we get DIRTY ASS workers who come and stay and the rooms stink after they leave. And how about DISEASES!!?? Oh my GAWD!! Skin diseases that are contagious or god knows what else. BUGS. People party, people bring gross kids who snot all over the place and. . . and I just can't go on.

When I used to stay at hotels I would strip off the scratchy things and just sleep with the brown fuzzy blanket because it was snuggie and nice. I guess I'm not dead, but I DON'T CARE.

How can this be legal? I just, I just don't get it.

People bring their own pillows to sleep on all the time. At least we wash the pillow cases, never mind your pillow -BRING YOUR BLANKIE.

Oh, by the way.

Chino knocked me up.

Yeah. Yeeeeaaaaaahhhhp. Pregnant, In a family way, with child, bun in the oven.

The women have a saying here in MX - "I can't even sniff my husbands underwear without getting pregnant." *Chuckle* and gross. Perhaps something is lost in translation but I don't think so. I haven't been sniffing his BVD's since I moved here but I AM knocked up and it's not like we were trying. (ok so ONE DAMN NIGHT i was lazy, i'm having a lazy baby) I think one of the thousand contaminates in the water here is hormones, a lot of hormones. I have a feeling my Brita water filter wasn't looking for THAT to filter - and now we BUY water.

I really am knocked up. I've swore heatedly that I did NOT, EVER want children, that I did not like them and would never have them. HAAAAAA !

And then I met Chino. And he makes me all gushy and warm and filled with love and adoration and retarded - but I STILL didn't want kids. But he did, does. And even though I'm pregnant now I haven't magically started LIKING children, but I DO at least want the one I've got growing. That's a start right?

SPARX has been my hero just about ever since I met Chino and knew that I was somehow horribly destined to reproduce. I will NEVER forget stumbling on her blog the first time and reading about how SHE was pregnant and had never wanted kids and was a tad freaked but determined to blog about the whole damn thing. She was like this GRAND EXPERIMENT for me to watch unfold with crazed, morbid, fascinated, obsessed, hopeful curiosity.

I'm not exaggerating one bit Sparx and I thank you again and again. (you tramp hor you TOLD me Chino would get the better of me one day, I remember) :P Thank You so much for your blog and honesty and even though I know you are helpless to stop it anyways, I'm still very thankful for how much you clearly love your Spud. I might be ok because you are ok.

A few weeks ago I could finally feel her move. HER !! Her name is going to be Daisy Grace and I can feel her move and it's WILD. It's crazy town and I like it every time she kicks me - which is a fucking LOT btw - and it's made it all very real for me.

It was sort-of real during the first ultrasound and she just POPPED up on the screen and I let out a huge sigh of relief. Relief because even though I had been dead dog sick for FOUR DAMN MONTHS, and I had the blood test and everything, it just did. not. seem. real. I wasn't showing and I couldn't feel anything so how was I to know there was REALLY something in there. My first thought after, "Oh thank God, C. won't be disappointed" was "So THATS the bastard that's been making me so damn sick." Ah well, I don't have to TELL the kid that.

It goes without saying here that Chino is BEYOND THE FUCKING MOON with glee and proudness and utter-flipping-unbelievable-happiness/joy over the whole thing. It's been 5 months and he's still strutting like he has balls made of gold. Actually his enthusiasm is really nice and it makes me feel not so really afraid. He wants her enough for the both of us and I know if I ever have rough days with it he'll power us on through like a tug-boat. Now if only I could get him to stop from pointing at his balls with a cheshire grin and saying "Dey made you fat." (in a good way) Punk.

Being Poor Makes You Smarter :P

Ok so I don't know if it increases intelligence but for Chino and I it seems to really bring out the best in us, well...Chino. We're not so terribly poor that we can't eat nutritious food or live without electricity or something horrendous like that, but you know, we gotta mind our caruthers.

SO -anyways- our shit has been breaking down - ALL THE DAMN TIME - and Chino just up and woke up one day deciding he was a mechanic. At first he fixed our stove when it turned possessed, shot of a gigantic flame and tried to burn itself down. Chino had some white tape stuff to make a new seal in his toolbox and all of a sudden the stove was fine, he gave it Mylanta or something and the demon went back to hell. Gracias! (Ok FINE mr. smartypants is reading over my shoulder and has informed me that it was teflon. I thought teflon was black and came on pans, but what the hell do I know (ok hahaha I told him that and he's never heard of a teflon pan - so there, I'm smart too))


I thought that was so cool that he fixed it though you know? Hell I wouldn't even figure out to turn of the GAS before it melted to the floor.

So then came the cars brakes making some weird ass noises and he decided that he would just FIGURE OUT how to change the brakes. I imagined that one ending pretty bad but whatever have at it, mechanics make house calls right? But no, lo-and-behold the brakes were fine but some little pin that along with another little pin holds the entire brake assembly together had broken off. That could have turned out nasty, but he saw it, replaced it and I'm not dead.


Last month the washing machine suffered a sudden stroke and the fix-it-man said it'd be $100 to fix it. We paid the same man $100 when we bought it. So, Chino decided he would just take the damn thing apart and figure out what was wrong. I think he was inspired by CSI and the whole autopsy thing, I don't know. Did you even know that you can take a washing machine apart? Shit hell I couldn't even figure out how to get the top off (truth, I looked at it for 10 seconds, went back inside and ate a sandwhich)

3 days later and washer guts strewn everywhere Chino just up and figured out that it was bad bearings and a torn belt. I think the washer was overeating. He got the parts, fixed it and somehow by the grace of man-gods got everything back together correctly.

Rack up a few more fixes including

*a metal hose on the car (that up and puked out all of my coolant, apparently it didn't like that brand,)
* the front end of the car when I crashed it a little bit
* another hose on the car - pcv mr. smarty pants says
* a screwed up deadbolt lock
* installation of bars to cover the air conditioner - he put holes in the house !!
* ran another line of electricity from the box to the air conditioner
* fixed an extension chord (who DOES that??)

And a bunch of other stuff that I guess I probably forgot. Actually tonight my husband -McGuyver- decided he could fix a broken flashlight. He tells me it wasn't broken but I say if it doesn't work, it's broken. He mentioned tinfoil and wire and I wondered if he really isn't the Mexican McGuyver. Miguel. (McJuan?)

The point is I don't know how in the world he just up and figures all of this stuff out, it's not like he went to washing machine school or even watched a lot of McGuyver. I asked him what his inspiration for all of this crazy fixing - expecting him to say because of our financials - but he said "Because I have the tools." (he has like, a screwdriver, wrench, ratchets and sandpaper) And "Because I felt like it."

I wish I could just FEEL like doing smart stuff, but I only feel like writing about it, I'm just not motivated. Or smart. And I don't own sandpaper I guess.

Stolen Computer, New Computer

I'm back. And I have so much to say, so much bottled up after months of silence that I've been staring at my new laptop for 2 days not knowing how to start. I set it up yesterday, put up wallpaper, played solitaire and turned it off again feeling like the biggest Christmas morning EVER has finally come, and all of a sudden I don't want to play with any of my toys. I took a nap.
I've wrote blogs in my head, tons of them. At work when I'm alone or at home doing dishes and lord only knows the countless words and paragraphs anecdotes that spill out of my head while I'm trying to go to sleep.

Ok ANYWAYS. Chino and I were robbed, again. This time not in the Mi Ghetto but in a decent neighborhood in Mexico. They didn't take anything we couldn't live without but things like X-box, mp3 players, nice jewelry and a laptop no longer existed in our house. It was the week that we FINALY found a company that offered internet service in our area and all of a sudden there was no more computer.

Back home we would have been pissed, bummed out and then just went shopping. But here, things are different for us and things aren't so easily replaced anymore. We have these crappy things called priorities that come first now - food, electric, gas, rent and fixing the endless string of crap that seems to be happening to my car - so I can get to work to PAY for it. Ok it's not like I've never had bills before and it's not like my spending was unlimited before, but I guess we're like so many other americans right now that are learning to be ok with cutting back.
Gawd enough Boo-Hoo right! Gag ! Let's talk happy things and funny things and say naughty things and laugh and swear!!! That might come across as sarcasm to some who don't know me but I'm being serious :P

One happy thing I don't even know how to deal with is that my Mom sent me the money for this laptop. Before I left for Mexico my parents bit not the bullet, but for them, the atomic bomb and bought their first computer. They've been swearing off computers for as long as they've been home accessible and probably never would have got one had I not moved away. HA !! But the allure of the Web-Cam and talking to each other for free and SEEING each other was strong, and I felt so special and loved and so proud of my parents when they told me before I was going to leave that they wanted to get a laptop. I was flabbergasted by the surprise but really damn excited too. :)

So anyways, when it came around that all of a sudden I had NO computer access (for months and months) my parents had absolutely no use for their computer. Off to the safe it went and in the safe it stayed.

My mom asked me a few weeks ago when I would be able to get a new one, and I had to tell her not very soon. That hurt. I felt bad that they went through all the trouble that they did and then all of a sudden it was all for nothing, and I couldn't do anything to make it better. It would have taken me probably another year to get a decent laptop, and I didn't want to admit that to my mom, I don't want her to worry about us or feel bad.

So here we are a few weeks later and my mom sends me a care package - she is so sweet - and tucked in the box is a plain envelope with small exerpt in her letter explaining that oh-by-the-way I've sent you a rediculous amount of money to buy a pc. I about shit my pants.

I don't think I've been a spoiled daughter, or well, maybe I have been, but I know I don't ACT like a spoiled child. I'm not a brat and I don't expect things and when my parents do something so crazy nice - like send us a water heater - or send us Christmas-in-a-box, I get all squirmy and I don't know how to say thank-you enough. I REALLY don't know how to say thank-you enough, or to let them know how much I apreciate them and the terribly nice things they have done or how special I feel and a bunch of other things that I just don't KNOW the words for - the things that make me squirm - and so I squirm and end up tounge tied and feeling half retarded. And then I worry that they'll think I'm not grateful enough and then kick myself because I don't think my parents would ever really think that I'm ungratefull, but what if????

I am a spaz.

So now, I guess what I can do to show my apreciation is to bother them as much as possible to turn on their computer and come see me on the internet. :)

God it feels good to write again. I have a dam ready to break and finally a way to get it out.