Friday, January 22, 2010

Baby Products That Piss Me The Shit Off

Whoever the hell thought it would be a good idea to make 80% of baby bibs NON-ABSORBENT deserves to be drug out into the street and bitch slapped by Oprah.

I've got like 20 baby bibs and only but a couple of them actually sop up the milk that runs down my little pigglets face as she snarfs down her bottle. What pisses me off the most is when I go to wipe off her little piggy face afterward and all I end up doing is smearing the milk all around her chin and cheeks instead of sopping it up. WHAT THE SHHHIIIITTT!? Aren't bibs supposed to be USEFUL? I don't care that it has duckies and hearts and bears, make it USEFUL YOU ASSWIPES!


Moving on. Baby clothes. Dear lord it appears that whoever is making up these baby styles has never actually HAD a baby. Douche bag sons of bitches can't you people remember that baby's need to have their diapers changed every couple of hours?

Example: The zipper sleeper deelie-do. The first time I put this on Daisy I thought "Oh cool, bad ass I don't Italichave to deal with 20 snaps!" An hour later when I went to change her and realized that I needed to unzip her entire outfit and take out both of her legs - thus exposing her whole body to the cool air - I wasn't so impressed. What kind of retarded thinking was THAT!? "Gee it's faster so maybe the baby won't mind getting COMPELTELY NAKID every changing."


The person that made this sweet looking little dress? They didn't allow enough room for a baby's GIGANTOR HEAD to fit through! HEEELLOOOO DIDLDO! Their heads aren't proportionate! Most of the clothes I've come across have enough head room but I run across a few here and there that care to recreate for my baby the sense of coming out of my vagina again. Any idea just how much that PISSES an already demon baby off?

OHHH you aaaasssshhhhhhole.

I think that any outfit that doesn't have feet on it is beyond stupid because it requires me to try and use the sadistic baby socks. Baby socks ONLY stay on if they're so tight that they cut off the baby's circulation.
If you don't use baby socks with an outfit and decide that your baby's feet will be FINE wrapped up in 5 blankets, that they won't freeze and fall off - but your in-laws see and start talking in another language thinking you don't understand even though you do understand and hear that you're a horrid mother for not be-socking the baby - it might piss you off. Screw you socks and screw you in-laws. Bitches the lot of ya!

Luckily I planned for this taboo in case they had a problem with it and had packed a pair of socks so I could say "OH! DEAR! Her socks must have fallen off again! Luckily I have a spare pair in my purse! Here darling, let mommy put on your socky-poos!" (Thus cutting off your circulation turning your feet blue and pissing you off but making Grama HAPPY!)

I don't even want to talk about baby pants. I'm already too pissed off, I'm done.

In closing, Hillbillies have had it right for years I just didn't know it. Let 'em run around in a pamper all nekkid and free and just call it a day. Once the weather is nice here I'm SO introducing Hillbilly to Mexico.


Vadose said...

I mostly agree with you, but I have one point to raise: outfits with booties attached are great UNLESS your child is born with enormous feet. In such case, no such clothing will fit him AT ALL, EVER. My baby's got gigantic tootsie-wootsies, and all the bootied outfits were useless to me. Otherwise, I'm right there with ya. I'm not a hillbilly, but Hanix is running around nekid as soon as it warms up. Clothes are cute, but way overrated. I figure, I'll start dressing him again when he's five. :)

Krissie said...

For serious, I'd be so afraid of BREAKING MY BABY with all the dressing and undressing. You are very brave, honey.

Theresa in Mèrida said...

My first baby got changed into clean new outfits at least 4 times daily, my second only if we had company, my son who came along 10 years after the first wore a diaper and tee shirt....I guess you skipped the middle steps and went right to experienced mom.
I am going to be a grandma this year and I am making my daughter some bag sleepers but all my patterns have the zipper opening from the bottom up! One had snaps at the bottom so it can be a gown or a bag, with a zip for the rest. What do you think about that idea?
My kids did good with socks.

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

Vadose - Awwwwww lol so you've got a bigfoot - I can TOTALLY see how that would suck! Plus I have to admit I'd be able to get at least a couple more weeks out of these outfits if they didn't have feet, she's getting so long that she grows out long ways before sideways :P 5, that's a good age, when they go to school they'll need some clothes :P

Krissie - The little things are so tuff thank god - and the best thing!!?? When you put their hands in the sleeves they seem to automatically make a fist - THANK GOD because I had nightmares of breaking her fingers :D

Teresa - Bag sleepers are the BEST EVER!! My FAVORITE thing for her to have on so you are so on the right track! All of Daisy's though just have the elastic band at the bottom so that I can just hike it up over the diaper change it and pull it back down - sooo cool. :) If yours zips from the BOTTOM up that would be awesome! :) You're so thoughtful :)

Crystal said...

Is she suppose to wear socks in the summer time also? I know in the winter or cool weather, but in the middle of the 100 degree weather. Yeah that is how we do it here in Alabama too! Gotta go to winn dixie? Yep, load 'em up t shirt with a diaper or tank top with a diaper or even just a diaper! I did not do the only a diaper with my daughter just because she was a girl, but she went with T-shirt and diaper before. My baby has also went with Tshirt and diaper. Sometimes with only a diaper, but only if he was staying in the car. It's weird because I do not see babies only in diapers anymore or maybe I have gotten so used to it I do not even notice! Wonder what your in-laws are going to think.... =)

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

Crystal - I imagine they'll think I'm quite the Neanderthal. :P

Refried Dreamer said...

I agree with Vadose. Less clothes, the better... Onesies are a momma's best friend and socks were rarely RARELY used with my boy. He'd rather feel the wind beneath his feet. Personally, I found it a waste to invest money in kids clothes before 18mos.... and besides, kids never grow with the sizes like they say anyways.

Ritamg said...

I wish I could post the photo of my second child unrolling all the toilet paper wearing only his diaper. And many times he went around the house "freeballing". In Iowa. What would your inlaws think? Daisy is beginning to perfect the Gerber baby look. She is so cute.

Veronica Lee said...

Hi! I'm visiting from MBC. Great blog.

Suki said...

Wow. And you're insecure about your parenting skills. SHEESH!

I have something goofily primal inside me trying to get Daisy out of this computer and into my arms ASAP. Sigh. She's soo pretty :)

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

Refried - LOL "invest" HAAA I won't be doing anything like that till she's in school :)

Rita - awwww that sounds adorable! :)

Veronica - I don't know what MBC is but I'm glad you're here :)

Suki - Damn girl you've been having some serious horomone surges lately :D I imagine one day your boyfriend "baby" won't be the only baby you've got in your life :)

~ellen~ said...

I'm just dropping in to say I love your posts about Daisy. That pic is SO CUTE.

Maybe the stupid clothes that won't fit over her big baby head are supposed to prepare her for being an adult woman who crams her feet into uncomfortable high heeled shoes, her boobs into uncomfortable underwire bras, and her tummy into uncomfortable squeezy girdle-y things? Teach her now to RESIST! :D

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Leslie Limon said...

My babies all wore socks, but baby shoes were the worst! All of my babies had chubby little feet that didn't fit in baby shoes. I refused to put them on my babies until they learned to walk. The only time my kiddies wore shoes was on Sundays, for church. I heard plenty of whispers that my kids were all going to grow up with flat feet because they didn't wear shoes. But that never happened.

jenny said...

OMG! I'm a barefoot kind of gal, I don't wear shoes unless we head out, so I automatically do the same for my kids. They're BABIES, I am carrying them 95% of the time, WHY do they need baby shoes??? SO SO SO SO SO many people have wagged their fingers at me or given me dirty looks for not putting socks or shoes on my babies. Oh please. I feel their feet, if they seem cool, I put socks on, but they are always warm, so they're fine. I think none of my kids have worn shoes before 18 months. Peter is 18 months and he has not worn shoes yet. Barefeet are better for ya anyway.

PuertoVallartaGirl said...

que bonita bebe, preciosa

Sparx said...

Oh yes... oh yes yes yes yes yes. I had frequent rants about baby clothes. I mean holy crap and WTF.

The french do these great little wrap-around things that have like 3 pop studs (but no trousers).
Can you buy tights down there? Are useful. Look. Are you still on your old email addy?

Suki said...

oh, you haven't seen me with babies in person. sigh. every time i tell myself i don't want kids, i know i'm fighting a losing battle.

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

Anon - Die

Leslie - LOL flat feet? I haven't heard that one yet but I'm sure I will :) Bring on the whispers gal! :)

PVG- awwww Gracias :)

Sparx - I'm not sure? The new one is lindy(dot)email(at) if you ever need anything! :)

Suki - awwwwwww GOOD !!

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