Wednesday, January 6, 2010

GIVING BIRTH SUCKS DONKEY BALLS

**************WARNING - THIS POST CONTAINS WEIRD IKCY BABY BEING BORN PICTURES - NO VAG, BUT SLIMY BABY AND UMBILICAL CHORD *****************


Labor sucks AAASSSSSSSS. Did you people KNOW what I was getting into!?? OH MY SSHHHIIITTT! Never Again, no No NO NO NO NO NO NO NO.


I'm going to be honest here about what it was really like so I can come back and read this in case I consider doing this again in the future, please don't be pissed at me for writing it all out or if you had a way better experience that was different than mine - wonderful for you - but this was mine.

Ok, here we go. 3:30 a.m. my water broke. It was crazy I woke up, looked at the clock and when I went to roll back over felt it happen. All I could think was
"Oh no freakin way." "Shit, shit shit shit shit shit shit OMG shit shit no freakin WAY!!" "Shit."

It was raining like crazy here - our equivalent of being "born in a blizzard" and after Chino drove my mom and I to the border I totally DID drive myself to the hospital - I told you I would. My poor Mom was nervous and had never driven my car and it was raining so hard we could only go about 35 mph - and we had NO IDEA where the hospital was. It turned out that the Midwifery Birthing Center - Holy Family Services - wasn't going to have a midwife on staff that week and so they told me I'd have to go to the hospital. Freakin kidding right? (LOL nope, but it turned out to be a blessing) The girl on staff there at 6:00 a.m. gave me my medical records, drew me a map and wished me luck.

The map she drew? Wrong. Thanx a lot stupid girl, I was in a strange city with contractions 4 minutes apart and you drew me a shitty map. You. Are. Retarded. We got totally lost and I ended up in a gas station asking for directions and having the attendent girl IGNORE me. I had a hissy fit and screached out "I'M HAVING CONTRACTIONS! CAN SOMEONE TELL ME HOW TO GET TO THE HOSPITAL!??" Right there in the gas station. LOL the guy in line behind me gave me great directions and wished me goodluck - Thank You stranger direction man - You kicked ass.

We made it to the hospital and my contractions pretty much stopped. The staff was FAR from friendly and I think my mind just shut the whole process down. Mean people = No more contractions. I was lucky that at least the birthing center had an emergency Midwife that worked at the hospital so I got her instead of what she refered to as the
"Big bad doctors."

The whole natural thing aparently goes out the window if your water has broken, they give you 24 hours to get the baby out after it's broke or they'll want to take it out. SO, about 12p.m. the midwife came in and told me that she doesn't like to do it but that they would have to start me on the picotin. Picotin meant an I.V. and being hooked up to a fetal heart monitor and a contraction monitor. I was so tied down with wires I couldn't sneaze without setting of an alarm and I had to ask permission to get up and go to the bathroom. They'd un-hook me from the monitors and let me take the I.V. into the bathroom. LOL the nurse kept telling me I was free to walk around or sit on my ball - "Do whatever you want." As long as I stayed on the 14 inch leash of my monitors. GUFAW.

Ah well, we really did make the best of it until this shit started to kick in and I felt like my insides were being ripped apart. Contractions feel like exactly like lady-craps, just on some sort of astronomical scale that makes you wish to be put down like a horse. I'm curious what they would have felt like without the drugs to make them so strong? My Doula (God Bless her forever and ever) tried her damn bestest to work me on through, suggesting positions and doing this squeezing thing on me and staying positive and wonderful even though I started turning into a crazy lady.
One of the best moments was when I remember telling her "Listen, I know you're Christian and such a good person and all but I'm going to start swearing pretty soon and I'd like to apologize in advance." And her telling me that she's actually atheist and that I was free to swear all I wanted. !!! HAAAAA!!

When things had JUST started getting bad I remembered that it might be a good idea to "fuel up" before the coming atraction so my Mom slipped me a bag of penuts. I downed the whole thing and 2.5 seconds later one of the nurse nazis came in to re-adjust my monitors and had to get 1inch from my face in the process. EEEEEE!! I tried holding my breath - do you know how strong penut breath is!? - But I'm pretty sure I was busted when she looked at my bottle of water on the table, looked back at me and reminded me that I wasn't allowed anything other than ice chips, and walked out. (!!) LOL I guess she was a pretty cool chick, even if she was the Picotin lady.

Anyways, it got insane and I pretty much started losing it completley when I heard two other women giving birth in the rooms next to mine. They were both screaming like the doctor was in there sawing them in half and I got up and started asking my Mom and Doula - "OH MY GOD, did you HEAR THAT? Are they listening to a horror movie in there? Someone tell me that they are watching a movie - people don't make sounds like that in REAL LIFE!!" I had a freak out and started bawling and yelling "I don't want to scream like that, I'm not going to scream like that" and started hypervenilating in between crying. The nurse witnessed me and went to get the Midwife to tell her that they had a psycho and the Midwife came in to try and calm me down. She told me that yes it was a woman screaming and yes she deivered naturaly but that it was over with now and that I should think about how happy that woman was with her new little beautiful baby. I told her "That lady and her baby can kiss my ass." So she offered me some drugs to calm me down.

Did I hesitate? HELL NO. She told me that the drugs wouldn't make it hurt less but it would calm me down and take the edge off. I asked her how she felt about an Epidural and she told me she likes to avoid them at all cost and that I should just try the drugs she was going to give me.

When she left the room I freaked out and asked the nurst "OH MY GOD do you think she won't let me have an epidural? I don't think I can do this, I don't want to feel like those screaming women felt, OH MY GOD SHE HAS TO GIVE IT TO ME - she will won't she????" The nurse told me that if it was bad enough that the Midwife would give in.

That calmed me down - along with the happy drugs - for about an hour but then it was just too much. I was reduced to writing on my side and yelling "NO NO NO NO NO NO NOOOOOO" during contractions and apologizing after the contraction was over for not being positive and making it a fun time and going with the flow like I had hippie dippie planned to. All the hippie shit went flying out the window and I begged for an Epidural. Thank GOD OH MY GOD THANK YOU for making me have Daisy in the Hospital instead of the birthing center! My Mom even heard the Midwife out in the hall say
"She would have never made it" refering to me doing it natural.

No way. No damn way - EVER - and I am so not ashamed. I went into this with the best of intentions but no damn way it was going to happen. The nurses told me I'd have to go to the bathroom and take my clotes off in front of them and pee for some reason but I couldn't get the gown I brought from home off off me - or my bra - because of the I.V. so I started freaking out and told them "JUST CUT IT ALL OFF!!!!!" LOL modesty went strait out the window, my goodness.

Sort of. The epidural guy messed up and only managed to numb one half of my body.

Asshole.
I had one kinda numb leg and the other compelty fine and dandy. I kept asking when the other side of me would get less feeling so they had me get on my side to try and help it out but the Midwife finaly came in to tell me the news - I was only getting half of me numbed, they couldn't fix it and I was going to have to deal with it.
I have about 20 pictures exactly like this one, I look disgusted and sad and am looking at Daisy like "Oh ssshhhhhiitt" and she's screaming her head off. Great first moments. :P If my husband ever manages to knock me up again I'll labor for as long as I can manage but when it gets insane I'll make sure to get the epdural and not feel even slightly bad about it. Daisy came out fine, hunky dory pissed off and not the least bit drugged up or sleepy. She could breast feed with no trouble and I didn't feel the teensyest bit of guilt.

I would have never made it 100 years ago, no friggin way.

SO, that's that and I don't want any I-told-you-so's - that would piss me off and I'm too damn tired and freaked out from keeping this newborn alive for the past 3 weeks to be getting pissed off.

Isn't my baby cute?????? Krissie???? LOL she looks like a gross swollen alien baby and they pretty much all look alike but I think she's cool. If I wouldn't have seen her come out of me I wouldn't know she's mine - she's this little brown baby and I'm an alabaster white lady. Everyone askes me if I'm sure she's mine and I can't blame them, luckily I've got photos to prove it.
Good LORD isn't the umbilical chord BIG??? And gross but cool?? GAG but I can't look away.

Lordy. Anyhoo, for any family that might have read this far, I'm putting up all of the pics over on the Daisy Blog page so you can see all that's been going on, first bath and all that stuff. :)




24 comments:

jenny said...

Awwwwww what a cutie she is in that last pic. I'm glad things worked out for ya, no matter it didn't go the way you planned. The bottom line, you're healthy, baby Daisy is healthy! That's all that counts.

Oh and by the way, Baaaaad Puppy for breaking your computer! Bad bad bad! LOL

Fishsticks and Fireflies said...

Who care how you did it?! You had a BEAUTIFUL baby girl! Congratulations on her safe arrival. I can't tell you how excited I am to read your take on being a Mom - I know it will in no way disappoint!

Ritamg said...

She's beautiful even if she isn't yours. LOL! I didn't want to say this before, but if you ever do have a hankering to have another baby it will be quicker and easier. The first one loosens everything up for the next one.

Vadose said...

Yay! Congratulations! I'm so happy for you!

And by the way, birth just kinda sucks balls no matter which way you spin it. And you absolutely kicked ass, drugs or no drugs, because, shit girl, you pushed a baby out, after DRIVING YOURSELF somewhere you've never been before, without your husband there for support, while having contractions, to meet a whole bunch of mean people you've never met before who probably weren't exactly supporting what you wanted. And your baby is beautiful.

Good luck. And it does get easier.

Nancy said...

She is just beautiful. Congratulations, and I'm glad everything went OK and that your mom was able to be there with you.

I bet your hubby is so proud!

Crystal said...

Girl, you had a baby, anyway you did it was great. Atleast you did go in with good intentions- I did not even do that. I knew from the day I was pregnant that I would be getting an epidural. You are right thank God that the birthing center was closed. I wonder if they would have taken you to the hospital if you told them look I can't take it or if they would have tried to talk you through it. If it was me and they tried to "talk me through it" I would have gotten up and said to hell with this.. see ya!! Anyway, she is so cute. My baby was dark (not like his dad, but in the middle) too- I went to get his passport and they asked where was his mother? I am also light, so you can see the difference between me and my baby. She is too pretty- can't wait for more stories and pictures. I knew your birth story was going to be an adventure!! I am glad your mom was with you. How is Chino?

Leslie Limon said...

Congratulations momma! I agree with everyone else...you gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. That is all that matters.

Take it from someone who's had 4 kiddies. Labor and birthing babies gets easier with each kid.

How's the proud papa doing with his lil' princesa?

Suki said...

Wheee, girl, you DID IT! Congratulations!
BTW.. I had no clue the umbilical cord was THAT wide either :P

Vegas Linda Lou said...

OMG what a fantastic post! When you saw the baby, did you think holy shit, minutes ago she was INSIDE OF ME??? No wonder why it hurts so goddamn much.

You're awesome. Congratulations!

Krissie said...

Aw fuck it, she's cute!!!

And I'm soooooo sorry, but I TOLD YOU SO.

But I love you so you'll forgive me. :P


CONGRATULATIONS ON GETTING YOURSELF AND THE BABY THROUGH IT, HONEY!

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

Jenny - :) I got your e-mail yesterday when I got online after forever - thank you :) And yes, son of a bitch puppy!! :P

F & F - I'll never be eloquent and smart like your blog but I'll make up for it in swearing and goofy pictures. (although I'll never forget when you posted the pic of your lil girl all poopy, that was great :P ) Thank You :)

Rita - A Hankering for another one? Right, like I'll ever hanker to squeeze out a watermelon ever again. :P

Vadose - You know how to make me feel like a bad ass :)

Nancy - He had better be proud! :) But yes, he's quite happy :)

Crystal - They would have tried to talk me though it - they did in the hospital, but eventually would have taken me in, they're cool like that. In any case since my water broke they would have sent me in after 24 hours anyways so it just wasn't in the cards - THANK GOD. :P

Leslie - Lordy I can't elieve you did it 4 times, just. . . oh man. And Papa is good, quite smitten :)

Suki - Isn't it HUGE?? Who knew!?

V.L.L. Thank You and YES!! I totally did! I could feel when she came out - kinda this weird numb-ISH feeling but DEFINETLY feeling and remember thinking even then "Oh no friggen WAY" and when I saw her thinking "She just came from WHERE???" :P

KRISSIE !!!!! HI !!! AWWWWW I had a bet with myself that you'd never say she's ugly. Even though she's all squicky and slimy and swollen and looks like a monster you came through for me, I knew you would :)
(thank you) :) Dude can you believe I have a baby??? They let me take her home and everything, it's freakin wild.

La Familia Garcia said...

WOW Congratulations! That is one detailed pretty... um... straight post and pictures. But she is just beautiful! And it looks like her nose fits her perfectly!! I just loev your face on that one picture! It sounds like you did great though!! Can't wait to hear about life as Daisy's mom!

Krissyface said...

congrats, love the pix...esp. the last one. She looks so content and happy and ... not like a slimy shrieking alien. She's a beauty.

I did the same thing with having the crunchiest of hippie natural aspirations for a natural child birth, but once I hit about 5 cm dilation I was like a wild boar trying to chew its leg out of a steel trap. FUCK IT! Child birth is a feat in itself, and you did it, woman. Drugs are the wave of the future. Would you have open-heart surgery without anasthesia? I think nawt.

congrats to you and Chino both!!!

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

L.F.G. - LOL and I was trying not to be too detailed :P And Thank You :)

Krissyface - Wild boar chewing leg off? EXACTLY! You totally get it, you really do. :)

Refried Dreamer said...

Congratulations!!!!! hahaha.... isn't labor fun? You did great, though, and take it from other mommas... you're officially stretched out and can now birth a soccer team if you, or hubby, so choose.

Anyways, congrats again.

SHes's beautiful.

Lauren said...

She's positively beautiful! I am so happy for you! Congratulations to you and Chino!!

When my little brown baby came out and they laid her on my chest, I went "YOU came out of ME?" I still get people asking me, while I'm holding her, where her mama is. The love for your child should (hopefully) keep you from getting pissed off at stupid comments like that..

So glad to hear you both are okay, I was getting nervous! She is just so pretty, I can't wait to watch her grow!

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

Refried - A soccer team?

*cough*

If I'm birthing more than 10 children it'll be to start a carwash not to play sports. :P


Lauren - Awwwww Thank You ! :) And nah, the comments don't bother me a bit - who would've figured? - she's 100% mine brown or not. Hell, I'm happy that she's not so damn pale like me. :P

Leah Flinn said...

Congratulations! Incredible story, although you have scared the shit out of me.

On Mexican Time said...

OMG - congrats amiga!!! I reallly need to catch up on my reading!!

Why should you feel guilty!! You never knwo what youre' going to do in a situation, until you're in it! I already know I'll be screaming epidural from my first doc visit!!

Congrats - at least your daughter is going to have that glowy skin that all the gals are jealous of! HA!!

She's a cutey!!

Kristi said...

OMG- if I wasn't already convinced that I can't ever do this- you conviced me now!!! Congrats for making it through it!! LOL

Chris Allin said...

Hilarious as always Gringa, I feel slightly lucky I only have to be the one who's screamed at and not the one "enjoying" the proccess themselves.

Corey said...

She's beautiful.

Don't feel bad, I asked for drugs as soon as I got to the hopital. The 1st baby I had a "Perfect Epideral" I couldn't feel a thing and was greatfull. Till I went to have my 2nd baby and only 1/2 my body went numb. (I realized that I really don't like having only half of my hooch numb, all or nuthin). With the 2nd Baby I screamed so loud and so much that the next day I didn't have a voice. I kind of liked the 3rd baby's birth. They knocked me out cold and I woke up with a baby and my hooch intact. Personally I think Drugs are great. But you're right the short leash on the I.V.'s and stuff sucks. Any how, I think you did a great job and am glad your mom was there. Email me sometime:
corey.canning@yahoo.com

♥ You

Sparx said...

Aww!! That is the most kick-ass birth story I've heard (read!!) - I can't beLIEVE you drove yourself to the hospital in labour. You totally rock and who cares how the birth went - it went! And she's here!! Yaaaay!!

Anonymous said...

What a great resource!