Sunday, February 28, 2010

Weight Loss In Mexico

Losing weight is harder in Mexico than it is in the United States. The food is better here and we eat tortillas with like EVERY meal. Do you have ANY idea how many calories are in like ONE flour tortilla!??

Ok, ok so there's great food in the U.S. too, and I'm sure it's just as hard to lose weight there - well of course I'm sure, I lost 70 pounds a few years ago, I know what I'm talking about. Wait though, if I know what I'm talking about then maybe it IS harder to lose weight in Mexico?

Ugh. I've been avoiding blogging about this subject because I don't want to chase people away or bore the shit out of you by whining about weight loss struggles - but then I remembered that this is my blog, it's my outlet and I need to outlet some fatty-stress.

I lost weight a few years ago by doing Dance Dance Revolution (about 30 pounds!) and then started running and doing a manual labor job and lost another 40 pounds. After the 70lb loss I still wasn't a skinny minnie but I was neato enough to make my then future husband do a double take and like what he saw. Fast forward 3 years of comfortable marrige and one baby and I find myself 34 lbs back up on the scale. Geesh.

I've only got 10 lbs of baby weight left and the other 24 are, well, me eating-like-a-happy-bastard-over-the past-3-years weight.

I want to lose it.

I've done it before and I can do it again, no doubt, but I need some inspiration damn it. AND I need to figure out a way to freakin DO this! My X-box was stolen when we moved here so no more DDR and I'm afraid to start running the streets again because it's not exatcly the smartest thing to be doing right now where we live. I'd love to buy a treadmill so I can run inside but we don't have the space.

And just how the HELL am I supposed to find time to exercise with a pissy baby that requires being held every waking moment of the day?

GGAAHHH!! But I don't want to be this gross stero-type mom that says it's not her fault she can't lose weight - it's because she doesn't have the time! But SHIT, where is the time! My job keeps me away 10 hours a day and when I get home my husband thrusts the baby into my arms and runs away from her until I have to go to sleep. If she sleeps for 20 minutes or so I try desperately to clean or cook or . . . poop for gods sake! Damn it I had had to poop HOLDING my baby this morning!

You know you always here before you have kids how life changing it is and how you'll never have time to yourself again but nobody mentions the fact that one can no longer make solo bowl movments. Just sayin'.

Anyways. I don't have time to cook more than one meal a day - it's NOT going to happen - and the rest of the day I forage for anything availiable. SO. So I have resorted to what I previously thought was a cliche.

Slim Fast.

I'm doing the Slim Fast diet. *Insert Laughter if you like*

But ya know? It kinda works for me! Most of the time I truly can't manage to cook let alone make a sandwhich or salad, so this grab a shake and drink it in 1 minute or less deal seems to be . . . feasible!

I've been doing it for a little over a week now and I've lost . . . drumroll please . . . 5 pounds!

Hooray right!?

I'm the type that NEEDS exercise to keep losing weight though. If I take in the exact # of calories this week as I did last I might be lucky to lose a half a pound, it's just the way I work. But what can I DO!?

Yesterday while holding Daisy (honest to God she really does have to be held pretty much all of the time or she'll scream) I thought it would be a good idea to just walk up and down the stairs over and over for a half hour or so. But I'm clumsy. I'd be setting us up for a bad spill if I keep going up and down the stairs and that's just dumb. SO, I stood at the bottom of the steps and just stair stepped up one, down one over and over.

Boooorrrrrriiinngggggg. I mean really.

I have videos but I'd give my baby whip-lash if I tried to hold her or put her in her sling while doing them.

I used to take her out and go for walks but it's too scary here right now. What can I DO? If there's a will there's a way, I know that, but I feel like I'm stuck in a cage.

Any ideas? What did you Moms do after your babies were born to get back in shape? Wanna commiserate? :D

I've heard of those baby/mommy work-outs but can you do them with a 2 month old? And can you actually get any cardio while holding a newborn?? GAHHHHHH!!

(And p.s. I blog from work now, so no jibes about getting my ass off the computer!)

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to chew some sugar free gum. :P

I'm running on empty in the brains department right now and I can't figure out anything of use to talk about here.

I had my hopes super up about a REAL office job that I found through a guest at the last hotel. She liked my service, said she had just had someone quit, asked me to come in for an interview, I did, it was great, and she promised me a job. A week later she e-mailed me to tell me that "corporate" informed her that she couldn't just hire me off the street and that she had to post the job in the paper and also go through a Temp. agency. Blah Blah later and the Temp. agency never even called me for an interview. *sigh*

I couldn't stand one more second of being demoralized on a daily basis at the Best Western job so I found another hoe-tell down the road that is a teensy bit better. Not great but hell, at least they pay me a little more.

Daisy is doing well, a little less colicky each week - although now she's so spoiled from being held all the time because she was colicky, we still can't put her down. If she's not in my sling she's in Chino's man-sling-carrier or in our arms. When I'm gone working nights he even has her sleeping with him now! Actually though, her sleeping with him - he on his back and her on her side nestled up under one of his arms to his chest with her little arms resting on his side - is just about the most adorable thing I have EVER seen, even though I know it means she's getting accustomed to THAT much more spoilage.

She all of a sudden discovered that her toys exist much to Mommies relief. The damn baby book has been screaming about how she's supposed to have favorite toys and a blankie and I've been freaking my goard because she didn't seem to even GET that her toys - so lovingly shoved in her face - even existed.

Chino is doing disgustingly well staying at home with her and I'm terribly happy for him but perhaps a tad jealous. A tad - wtf-ever, more like ragingly so. He sleeps through most nights because she likes sleeping with him and doesn't seem to be sleep deprived at all. ( I hate him. ) I didn't live up to my bitch-creed and treat him like he did me when he was working so he gets showers every day and I make sure to cook at least one meal a day for him and get something thawed out for him to do when I'm gone. I talked big but when it comes down to it he's taking care of my baby so I better take care of him.

He carries her around pretty much all day in the baby back-pack (with her strapped to his front) and it's pretty much beyond cute and makes me love him that much more.

We're spending obscene amounts of $$ fixing our vehicles and I STILL don't have a radio or working gas gauge but LOL at least I can start it using a key again. Before I was having to open the hood and spark a wire to the battery to get it going - a tad embarrassing and suspicious looking when I would get inspected at the border a few times a week and have to start the car again to leave. Even more embarrassing was that the hood was weird and to open it I had to hold the inside hood release latch with one hand, stick my arm out the door and pound on the car hood to release the latch under the hood somewhere. Ghetto, just. so. ghetto.

Ah well, I'll never have problems being humble and I'm pretty sure I'll never be much of a judgmental person, so there's that.

I miss my parents.

I'm thinking about taking a course to earn a TEFL - teaching English as a foreign language - certificate. If I get it I might be able to start teaching English at a colegio here in Reynosa. I have a friend that does it and they provide free housing to native English speakers from other countries - wow - and I don't have to speak Spanish! In fact, it's not even allowed in these private schools!

Chino and I want to move out to a rural area here away from the city and the shooting. We can't afford to build a place while paying rent but if I were to teach and get us that free housing we might have a chance! I've never in my life considered teaching English, it's a long ways from my dream of having a bakery/restaurant but it seems like the best thing for us right now. I wonder if it's too late to learn to spell??? :D

So that's what's going on, do with it what you like. Have a good one!


Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Farmville: The New Afrodisiac

Tonight at the hoe-tell around 12a.m. I had a drunk guy stroll in the doors and ask me for directions. He stunk to high heavens but seemed docile enough so I didn't freak out too quick. Like a lot of drunks though he decided that he needed to tell my why he was drinking, where he was going and of course, part of his life story.
It turned out that Mr. Drunk claimed to be a drug enforcement officer currently working undercover up in a big city north of here, had a few drinks last night and decided that he needed to get home. BUT he was so drunk he couldn't figure out how the roads worked anymore and therefore needed my assistance in finding the highway.


I tried to get him off the road by telling him that there are tons and tons of police on this particular road and the highway that he's heading to and that I'd get him a good deal here at the hoe-tell but he started to freak out and beg me over and over saying "Please! Please just help me find the road, I'll pay you, here I'll give you a tip, just please help me get not lost." He then proceded to whip out a couple inches worth wad of cash that made me wonder if Mr. Drug enforcement officer hadn't gone a tad astray and started flinging cash at me.

I'm all for a tip now and then but when a dude with $1000 in cash is drunk and freaking out and throwing money at me it gets a bit weird. I kept pushing the money back to him and repeated the ONE TURN directions that would take him to where he needed to go over and over until he calmed down and started listening.

After repeating the directions to him about 25 times and assuring him that "Sure, yeah, I understand that everybody needs to drink once in a while." he FINALY looked like he was going to head for the door.

And then he hit me with the question of the night. Out of the blue - "Do you have a Facebook?"


Uhhhhmmm. Well yes, yes I do have a facebook and considering his drunk and ever increasingly nice attitude toward me I figured it'd be best to say "Yes" to facebook and avoid him asking for my number or god knows what else. Mr. Brilliant then proceeded to give me his FULL NAME and asked me to please please look him up on facebook. "You know, just as FRIENDS." The best part of the evening was this though -

"I have Farmville, I have Petville, I have Mafia wars!" "Look me up and I can be your friend and if you need a neighbor or anything I can be it!" "Seriously, My name is ...."

I just. I don't. Huh?

Drug enforcement officer comes in drunk off his ass admitting that he was going to go out and drive some more, gave me his full name, waved around an insanely suspicious wad of cash and then tried to hor himself out to me by luring me in with Farmville.

What a night.

And P.S. ? I totally ended up taking $10, come on, I'm not a saint.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Product Review: Bengay in the Bedroom??

I bought KY's Yours and Mine lubes for Valentines Day. Ahh, lube for V-Day, I'm quite the romantic ya know?

Anyhoo, I figured you all have seen the commercials and might be curious about it like I was so here's the inside scoop.

It was. . . OK.

Bastard cool ass commercials, they roped me in like the consumer cattle that I am and I was expecting something DIFFERENT and exciting and that it would be unlike other lubes that I've tried in the past. (I'm a bit of a dirty sex-store product fanatic.) But no, not so much different than anything I've ever run across.

The HIS lube is the standard warming gel that when applied to the skin gets all warm and . . . well I don't know, it just get's warm, that's about it. I will say that the KY actually stayed warm for a while which was nice, as most warming gels peeter out after about 30 seconds or so.

The HERS lube was the standard cooling gel and felt honestly like I had somehow smeared liquid ice cube all over my girlie stuff. It too had some serious lasting power, so if you're into the arctic vagina feel, you're gonna love this shit. I DID actually think to myself at one point "Gee this might be nice in the summer time when it's really hot out." Honestly though if you've got time to think "Gee..." thoughts while preparing to get it on, the product can't be all that exciting.

I was still holding out hope for when we "combined" products *cough cough* you know, insterted tab A into slob B, that something magical would happen, but . . . well? It honest to gawd felt like we were a couple of geriatrics-gone-wild and used Icy-Hot for some sex lube. Dear lord this stuff even has the same minty smell as Icy-Hot and Bengay and I once again found myself thinking during sex "Oh. My. God. We smell like old people and my Vagina can't make up it's mind WHAT is going on. Icy. Hot. Icy. Hot. Do I like this? Is this somehow exciting?" DO old people in old-people-homes get it on in secret and use icy hot as a sort of black-market old-folk-home lube? You know, like how desperate drunks will drink vanilla extract? That would be sad. If you have grandparents you should buy them some lube.

Moving on. It doesn't HURT anything but it didn't enhance the experience one bit. If anything it was distracting and I think I'm fine to do without it. PLUS, KY lube is forever LAME becuase it's water based and stupid and the slippery power never lasts more than a couple of minutes before it wears off and starts to feel grainy. I've said it before and I'll keep preaching until all bedrooms own a bottle - Astroglide is the best lube EVER. No, Astroglide isn't water based or "condom safe" but shit, who has sex long enough for the lube to start breaking down the condoms rubber? Not us bitches and we have some good sex damn it.

SO! There you go. Everybody's different so if your lady parts or you man parts get all freaked out and jazzed up over warming or cooling or the mixed Icy-Hot feel then shit and damn go out and buy this stuff cuz you'll LOVE it, but for me, nahh.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Every time I log into my Blogger account I see that I have comments on older posts that need to be approved or denied. 90% of the time lately it turns out to be a spammer trying to get me to go to a penis enlargement site.

I'm 28 years old and have been married 3 years, if I needed some a penis enlargement-ing I would have DONE IT by now. I don't even HAVE a penis damn it. I own one *snort* but I would have fixed his stuff up long before now if it had needed fixing. Well, no, I would have dumped him the second I saw it if it was so small that I needed to run crying to the Internet - but that's neither here nor there.

Stupid spammer, tempt me with something I actually need.

Like. . . like sleep. Can they sell me sleep? Maybe some pills to rearange the "energy stores" a.k.a. my fat ass, to my boobs? How about some of those bitches? A pill to turn a devil baby into a cherub? HMMMMM INTERNET ASSHOLES?? Just where the hell is THAT website!!?


Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Guest Bloggers Can Suck It

I hate "Guest Blogger" posts.

If I go to a website to read a blog it's because I like THAT person and THAT person's writing style and what THAT person has to say. It pisses me off when I get to a favorite site, see a new post, get all excited and then see "Oh btw I let my total bff do a post today because I'm too busy so here you go! Isn't my friend the best!??"

No, no your friend is not the best and I'll probably hate them even if they really are great just because I'm disappointed and childish and pissed off that I don't get to read the person that I was looking forward to reading.

If you're too busy to post just don't post. If you really want me to know about your bff and how great they are just put them in your link list because if I think you're the shit then I'll most likely check out your link list in search of other goldmines.

Have you ever noticed though that some of THE coolest people you like to read have some of the shittiest blog links? (Have I pissed off everyone yet? I'm really on a roll here, shit.) Out of 20 blog links I might find one - MAYBE - that I'll think is actually cool, but truth be told I don't usually become a repeat reader. Why IS that? I don't get it.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010



Perhaps my wee little pigglet here needs to spend a little more time on this here paci and a tad less on the gravy train.

Just sayin'.

(cuz deeeaammn)

Here's a normal 30 second talk from me to baby -

"Piggy Piggy!"


"Snort for mommy! GoinkGoink!"

"Who's Mommy's PiggyPuggyPoogieWoogie!??"

"Mummas widdle poogiedawoogiemuggyduggybeebie"

That baby talk shit is a disease right? Lordy.


Monday, February 1, 2010

Note To Self:

Dear Self,

Upon returning to work the first day it is not a wise choice to dwell very much on what your baby might be doing while you're thinking about her. It's even more unwise to think that she might miss you and start to get all sentimental and goofy. It's even MORE unwise to sing your baby's favorite song all by yourself while nobody's around thinking you can send out your mommy-love into the Universe so it can find your baby and somehow soothe her. (Ya damn hippie horomones much??)

Por Que you ask? POR QUE dumbass you might only make it one verse into "My little Sunshine" before spouting an eye leak or two and end up bawling in the laundry room all alone (thank gawd) where you work.

Gotta remember not to do that anymore.

And BTW does anybody else's baby only like ONE song? I sing all sorts of things to my little pigglet but the ONLY thing that makes her happy is "My Little Sunshine." I end up singing it not less than 20 repetitions in a go and she's just fine and dandy with it. God forbid I throw in a little Alicia Keys or Beyonce or even row row your damn boat. Goofy ass baby.