Sunday, May 9, 2010

Cee-ment Jesus

Note to self: don't buy a life size cement Jesus lawn ornament.

Not that I had really planned on it but you know, just in case.


The other day driving home from work I took a new route and passed one of those lawn ornament store places here on the Mexico side and saw this Jesus standing out on the sidewalk as the store mascot.

What you can't see in THIS picture though were the two men standing in front of cee-ment Jesus at the time I drove by. One of the men was standing and staring into cement Jesus' face (about 5 inches away) as if it held answers to some pretty important questions he had going through his mind. Either that or he was pissed, getting up in cement Jesus' face and was about to punch him out - one of the two, but for the sake of his hand let's hope for the former.

The other man though - holy crap - he was standing of to cement Jesus' left side and was pleading with cement Jesus - I'm not sure for what - but he was pleading intensely placing his hand on cement Jesus' arm and started praying. Then to my horrified surprise he started getting REALLY into it and started pounding on cement Jesus reeeaaaallyy trying to get his point across. He was obviously having quite a spiritual breakdown moment and I felt for the guy but crap-on-a-cracker yo, he was in the middle of an intersection beating up a cement Jesus!

I wanted to take a picture but figured I might get a strait-to-hell pass for that and waited till the next day when nobody else was around.

Does anybody else think that cement Jesus looks a LOT like a Disney Cartoon?? I mean really if you're going to do JESUS couldn't you at least try and make it look believable? Not that it apparently matters to folks in Mexico - they were truly diggin cement Jesus - but it bothers me.

Another reason that I could never personally have a cement Jesus in my yard is the fact that when I had access to my neighbors Christmas lawn-deer she might have woke up more than a few times to see them in some.... interesting positions. Add in a candy cane yard ornament and things really turned out dirty - good thing she was a cool neighbor with a great sense of humor.

for the sake of not going to hell it would be a good thing for me to not buy a cement Jesus and a Cement Mother Mary. I'm not looking to tempt myself into the ultimate sacrilege and have the neighbors burn down my house. The stripper boots on the cross was bad enough, I need to be careful. (Side note about that - My Husband says he didn't put them on the cross and that he thought I did it! So now we have no idea how they got on there -weeeeiiirrdd! And p.s. they're back in the house now and the cross is de-defiled.)

I'd have poor cement Jesus in a dress and holding a beer can so fast that God would have to work quick to send that bolt of lightning out of the sky to fry my butt. And I LIKE Jesus, it's just that I wouldn't be able to help myself. There's just something about screwing with inanimate objects on display that trips my trigger, Lord only knows why. Nothing is immune, stuffed animals, little statues and even my refrigerator ornaments, always ending up in compromising positions and situations that prove that I'm a demented pervert.
Nope, no lawn ornaments for me. How sad.


Krissie said...

I immediately thought of THIS.

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

LMAO NOOO!!! Bwwaaaaa! :D

Corey Jo said...

OMG! LMAO! Now that was funny! You should SO get that Jesus statue Krissie found. This reminds me, Lindy, your dad made us one of those cool mushroom mailbox posts for a house warming present when we bought our house. It was a surpise and we found out about it when we looked out the window and saw him and my dad putting it up. Anyway, I've been asked a number of times "how come your post looks like a dick?" Yeah, a PENIS, My mailbox post lookes like a "Wooden Penis"!! It so fits us, I think it will move with us when we eventually move!!

Ritamg said...

Girl, nothing makes me laugh harder than reading your blog.

Susan said...

Lindy, you are way to funny! You should take your comedy show on the road! I'd buy a ticket!

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

Corey - omg OH MY GAWWWDD and Dad's mail box is even worse than yours!! If FOR REAL looks like a dingle - hell a DONGLE - and I often wonder what people driving by must THINK!! But lol he puts so much pride into those things :) I told Ma once but never Dad :) Ma laughed of course and her gay neighbors sure do love them :DDDD

Rita - awwwww you're always so nice :)

Susan - geeezz you're so sweet! But lol I'm such a spaz in front of real people - I'd just die !! :D But thank you :)

FernandezManzoFamily said...

Oh my chickles!!! You really had me cracking up on this one! You are too funny! By the way , it's not Jesus, it's St. Jude.

Can't stop laughing I love the part with the xmas deer hehe!

Really good way to start my Monday morning!

Upstate Broad said...

Brings back memories of where I grew up. Reeeeeeally Catholic, and about every 5th house had a Virgin-Mary-in-a-bathtub in the front yard, with some cheap plastic rosaries dangling from one hand and surrounded by faded silk flowers. And my Mom could never figure out why I couldn't bring myself to come visit more than once every 2 years...

gringationcancun said...

When I first moved to Cancun, I was driving down the Hotel Zone with a friend. This guy was carrying a 7-foot wooden cross down the side of the road. I started CRACKING UP. Obviously this guy was crazy, right?

Wrong. My friend explained it's pretty common in Mexico. I felt kinda bad for laughing.

Ok, ok, it's still funny and weird. I'm a horrible person.

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

F.M.F - It's not Jesus? What? How can you tell? By the thing he was carrying? WHO KNEW???? LOL OK so remind me not to buy a Cement St. Jude.... "Hey Jude...? :D

Anonymous - fuck off and die - and lol you suck because I can delete any of your shitty comments I want! So, very much NOT in the spirit of Jesus - GO TO HELL!!

Upstate - Awwww the virgin mary bathubs :) My Gramma had one of those for a looonnggg time :D

Gringa - :) We had a guy back home who did that - maybe still does? He was for real in doing his job on spreading some Jesus! He's got some balls, I've gotta hand it to him! :)

On Mexican Time said...

Hahahaha - Kay, i'm Catholic and all , but all those statues, and paintings of Jesus and Mary freak me out!!! Can you imagine waking up in the middle of the night to go pee, and you run into Jesus in your hall?? NO thanks!!!

Also, hahaha, really? How did those boots end up on that cross?? LMAO!!!

Sunshine said...

I just passed cement Jesus today and soooo thought about you the whole way home! There was no one standing close to him or talking to him today! However I still feel the love...I think Reynosa needs a cement Jesus on every corner!