Friday, May 14, 2010

Should've Known Better

I went today to get my ears pierced - at Walmart.

Do I need to continue with this post or should I just leave it a one-liner? I'm not sure how I expected this to come out ok, I'm an optimist and all, but damn.

I'm 28 years old and I don't have pierced ears -weirdo - and Chino bought me earrings for Mothers Day. They're nice, I want to wear them and I've bought about 50 pairs of earrings over the years in hopes of one day getting around to piercing my ears so I figured this might be the sign to go ahead and get it done once and for all.

Anyhoo (and all the hoo's in hoosville rejoiced!) I dropped in to ole Wally for some onions and milk - one hell of a shake - and noticed a sign that they pierce ears for free. FREE! I can't pass up free, my soul will not allow it and I found myself at the counter 5 minutes later filling out a form saying that if I died or my ears fell off I promised not to sue. Check and check.

The woman was quick, it didn't hurt much and I was thrilled until I looked in the mirror.

The lil CZ studs (I'm cheap I told you) twinkling at me in the mirror, they were twinkling... at the floor. They were IN MY EARS and pointing DOWNWARD. The woman pierced my ears so shit forsaken downward-slanted that I looked like those really old ladies whose earrings are too heavy for their ears and their skin is weak and so they just kind of hang downward and look icky - like that.

I was dumbfounded and didn't even GET IT for a second or two. I thought maybe the earrings weren't in all the way or not tight enough but fiddling with them for a sec verified that they were in all right, in at a fucking downward SLOPE.

I turned to the woman and asked her if she didn't think that they were perhaps a tad skewed. A blank I-didn't-do-it look came across her face and she examined my ears only to report back

"They're strait. I don't know, I mean, the earrings are strait."

"But they're pointing downward"

"Well.... let me see again... no, but, I mean they go through strait." "Look in the mirror, they go through your ear strait."

"But don't they look like they're pointing at the floor?"

"Well, I mean but they go through strait. It must be your ears are shaped funny, because the earrings, they're strait."

STRAIT?? STRAIT IS QUITE RELATIVE DON'T YOU THINK YOU DUMB PIECE OF ... human. *calm thyself gringa* she's a human and we all make mistakes.

We don't all make mistakes concerning PIERCING MY FLESH but *breathe* stuff happens.

She never admitted that there was anything wrong with the piercing but did call a manager over to offer me a refund and a FREE re-piercing any time after 24 hours. How nice! Really that's just ger-fracking DANDY of them to offer. The manager took a look at my ears and admitted that the earrings did have a bit of a slant and said "Uh yeeeaaahhh, you know, sometimes the earrings, they're...funny."

I remained smiling and polite the entire time and I'm pretty sure that was scaring the shit out of them. They kept waiting on the balls of their feet in case I decided to go postal and they needed to run but I just kept on a smilin'.


When I had to stand there and take the earrings OUT of my freshly stabbed flesh and the bastards wouldn't come apart I just kept on smiling because it was all I could do to not lose it. I pulled with all of my strength but couldn't seem to get them to come apart and started having horrid flashes of some sort of Walmart-jaws-of-life coming at me and tearing my ears strait off my head while I just stood silently smiling and going insane inside my head.

The ladies got super scared at this point and could only manage to stare out of the corners of their eye's in horror as I tried to get the dag gum things out of my head. A couple of broken nails and one almost-nervous-breakdown later and I had them out. And GOLLY they were so nice they even let me KEEP them for free!

ISN'T THAT NICE????

So. My ears hurt and I've been punctured but have nothing but a pissy blog post to show for it. I needed fodder so I figure it all evens out, shit happens, and I'll be moving on to one of those tattoo/piercing places next time I get up the guts to wound myself.

When they ask me what I'm coming in for I think I'll smile and say "Oh, I don't know, I was thinking about maybe a sleeve of naked women and maybe a full back tattoo of the Devil. Do you think you can draw something up??" before I admit that I'm 28 and would just like to have my ears pierced.

16 comments:

Ritamg said...

Next time you better get the qualifications, certificate of health, and criminal background check done before you let someone puncture your body parts. And, wow, you are a dinosaur. 20 something without tattoos or piercings!

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

:) I've got a tattoo! So I'm not SOOO lame :D

~ellen~ said...

Aw man, that sucks. How hard is it to hold that piercing gun thingie level??

At least you can do it over, your ears will heal up quickly and you probably won't even see a scar.

Eventually you'll have perfectly centered, level holes and you can wear your million pairs of beautiful earrings. :)

Krissie said...

Dude, the holes will heal back together really soon, since you're not wearing earrings, and then you can pierce them again anew like this never happened. I promise.

Just go to a proper piercing place next time.

JJ said...

But see, your life is being lived the way it's SUPPOSED to be lived: like you're telling a story. How boring would it be if you went to the Walmarts and got your ears pierced and they did it perfectly? Then it just would have been a post about milk and onion shakes for dinner and a successful ear-piercing. Booor-ing! I personally prefer this kind of stuff. ;)
And I'm like 16 years older than you and I can't wear earrings anymore due to too heavy earrings in my past, so be happy you are getting it done now so you can enjoy earring adornment well in to your seventies.

She-She said...

GIRL! Wally World? Really?! Don't go to a jewelers either. I have one hole that is perfect and the other?...well...when I wear an earring in that ear it points to the left-this is my left ear. Makes me look like I'm making a left turn.

gringationcancun said...

Milk and onion shakes? If this is part of the Master Cleanse, I'm completely writing it off! Haha

I'm surprised you can get away with this!! When I go out in public in Mexico without earrings on, my galpals always say, "Why didn't you wear your earrings today?" FUCK YOU!

I guess in a culture where NEWBORNS get their ears pierced, earrings are a must.

Whenever I'm feeling rebellious, I go out earringless just to spite the Mexican women. :)

Vadose said...

You know, I'll be 28 this year and I'm still hole-less. No piercings, no tats. I'm actually pretty fond of both, but I'm (1) a super-miser, and (2) really lazy. So I have no body adornment. And yeah, it kind of blows everyone's mind down here and is just one more reason why I'm a freak.

So, does Miss Daisy have her ears pierced yet? Because if not, I think that makes you a bad mother. How will strangers know she's a girl?!

Also, I'm right there with you on free stuff. I can't pass it by. So it's a good thing I wasn't with you in Walmart. I hate it when Free tricks me like that!

Suki said...

Oh boy, this sucks so bad. No worries, though, I've had my left ear pierced twice - didn't turn out too bad! Try to get it done from a doctor. Here in India, the old jewellers, who do it with freshly-forged gold wire, are still the best.

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

Ellen - LOL apparently REALLY hard! :D

Krissie - Promise. :)

JJ - I love the way you write :D And yes, how ELSE would I get blog fodder?? :D

She-She - "Makes me look like I'm making a left turn." That's damn funny just so you know. And lol you should totally get some yellow arrow earrings. :D

Gringa- Maybe THAT'S why they don't trust me!! OMG right??? And omg I love that your friends but you about it - NICE.

Vadose - OH MY GAWWDD!! I AM a terrible mother for not having her ears pierced and I hear about it EVERY TIME I'm in public with her! People come up, see her in a PINK DRESS, ask if she's a boy or girl and then scold me for not having her ears pierced! I swear it! I'm so sick of hearing "You HAVE to do it now or it will hurt so much worse later!" EXCUSE ME?? At least when she's like, 12 or something she'll know WHY and WHERE the pain is coming from instead of now when she will be horrified and not even know why. I'm NOT DOING IT MEXICO - SUCK MY BALLS!! And dude for REAL? Our family brought me earrings for her when she was two days old. TWO DAYS. I'll gladly keep them for her till she's old enough. RANT. OVER.

Suki - lol I should have just done it the hillbilly way - freeze it with an ice cube, put a flat piece of potato behind it and stick it through with a needle. :D

Sunshine said...

Ohhh...please please can i go with you next time....oh bless your heart...really bless your heart...and pleae tell me what walmart...and the ladies name...so i can go in there and stare her down for making my friend look like a freakazoid! Thank gawd you took them out in the Walmart...you probably scared the lady so bad...oh i wish i could of seen it all go down. What a great chuckle i'm having...i still love ya though!

twistedsoda said...

hahaha, you made me think of when I got the nerve to get my nose pierced in the mall and they pierced it with a one of those ear piercing guns. Don't even get me started on where the placement was for that. hahahaha. It healed up eventually and 10 years later, I managed to do it right at a tattoo/piercing place! Highly recomended!!!

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

Sunshine - Only if you'll agree to hold my hand! :D

Twisted - lol with a gun? Ahh the good ole days, that's def. not allowed any more :) But glad you got it eventually although I hope it doesn't take me 10 years to get up the nerve again ! :D

kjl said...

Love your blog...came here from 15 Minute Lunch today. I just wanted to share that I'm almost 38 and have never had my ears pierced. Usually when I tell people that they looked at me like I'm diseased. :)

Rebecca said...

I am 27 and never had my ears pierced. Stories like yours remind me why.....

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

KJL - Thank You! :) And awwww I know right? :)

Rebecca - lol sorry? :) But if you ever decide to go for it at least you'll know where NOT to go :)