Saturday, June 26, 2010

Dear Fire Ants,

Dear Fire Ants,

I've been intensly curious about you the past year and a half that I've lived in Mexico. Up North we don't have your kind and I've been terribly curious about you all and what it's like to be stung by one of you. I've asked all sorts of people and always enjoy the stories they tell about your silly anty antics.

My husband told me that when he was a kid they used to pick you guys up by your backs so that you couldn't sting the holder and run around chasing each other so that they could aim your fiery ass at each other and ..... well, make you sting somebody. Poor kids are creative.

I'm sorry to say though, dear fiery bastards that I am no longer curious about you. After being stung three times in the past week my curiosity is SATED and I'd appreciate if you'd stop educating me. I GET IT.

I guess I'd be a little pissed off too if all I did was work and never ever take a day off. I guess I'd be even a bit more pissy and a lot more retarded if my Dad was also my Grampa, brother and cousin. Maybe if you assholes stopped screwing ONE CHICK all the time - i.e. your MOM, Grama, sister and cousin all rolled into one - you might not BE so pissed off - and retarded. Inbreeding's not cool yo, in case you didn't get the memo, and if you get more than one chick, they won't be so worn out and busted I'll bet. Cuz damn. Just sayin'.

Anyhoo, I guess it's not your fault that my toes appear to be scary monsters, cuz yer retarded and all, but it still pisses me off that you've launched repeated attacks on them.

I should thank you though my dear little fiery assmonsters, for all at once I understand why it is that I live in land of concrete and why Mexicans insist on pouring concrete over every available surface and why nobody has a real yard. It took Chino and I over a year to find a house with a teeny patch of grass to call our own, and oh how thrilled I was to be able to move there! And now... not so much. Now I'm feeling rather Mexican-y and am dreaming concrete dreams.

They say the third times a charm and today after your third attack on my foot I've decided to make a trip to the Home Depot and come home with a little gift for you. I'm planning to go Hiroshima on your asses so consider this your warning.

I don't care if I throw down so much pesticide that my dog grows a third eye, mark my words, YOU WILL DIE. You and the ticks and beetles and everybody else are goin down and I'm going to stand by and smile the smile of a satisfied warrior, spray bucket in hand.

Shouldn'ta stung be bitches and you SURE AS HELL shouldn't have decided to take a detour off your path and run a scouting trail in my house last night. I was minding my own damn business trying to clean the house when I unsuspectingly ran across your little troupe and you all took offense. You stung me in my own house. On my own floor where sometimes my baby likes to hang out - or is forced to because these days she's figured out how to roll off the couch - but not how to brace herself for a fall. I'm not going to have the poor thing blissfully avoiding a concrete face-plant merely to be run-up-upon by a bunch of inbred asstankers ready to blow.

Tomorrow you die.

That is all.

Yours truly and sincerely with a heart full of hate,
- Gringa


JustinTheSouth said...

You should check out Over 'n Out Fire Ant Killer it works really well...

Pam said...

LOL You have such a way with words.

Refried Dreamer said...

ira ira ira!!!! Ira la crazy Guera go apeshit! HAHA.... love it.

Ritamg said...

And when you are done at your house, please come and take care of the cockroach that was crapping all over my toothbrush.

~ellen~ said...

Oh man, fire ants are the WORST. I hope your pesticides do the trick!

Death to all fire ants!! >:-(

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

Justin - Oooo cool I would have NO idea which to choose - thank you so much! :)

Pam - lol why thank you ;D

Refried - ja ja, pero.. VERDAD?? Pinches Hormigas!

Rita - OH MY GAWD lolololol that's terrible yet HILAAARRIIOUSS :D And hhey, FB me and let me know how you're doing!

Ellen - Ellen lol DEATH!! ;D

Jennifer said...

Fire Ants. Ugh hate them. My husband poured gas down a bunch of ant holes in the back yard, then threw a match at it. There was a big WOOSH, then it looked like the water fountain things in las vegas with fire shooting up through all the ant holes. It actually was kind of pretty - but then again I am a closet pyro. Which is why I love my outdoor fuego. Anyways... Levi, my 2 yr old will go out in the yard and you know when the ants have found him because he starts to cry No migas, no no no!


Sunshine said...

I LOVE this post! LOVE it! Fire ants....what's up for real. Tehy made a nice little trail right under the front door and all the way up the train table and attacked a chicken nugget....literally surrounded that sucker and I guess tried to move it. but chicken nugget was to much of a match for they decided to sting it and eat away at it. Left it to die a slow painful death.....until baby Nate see's his chicken nugget and picks it up to take a bite and those damn ants sting my baby's fingers. DEATH to you little buggers. dare you sting my baby!

Nancy said...

I love reading your posts. You are too funny.

She-She said...

If you want a cheap way to kill the nasty buggers pour some grits on the mound. They'll eat 'em and the grits will swell and KAflooeeee. Exploding fire ants. Love your posts.
Kisses, She-she

Becky8888 said...

I don't know about fire ants, but I kill regular ants by pouring some baby powder over the mound. If they get in your house, put a thin trail of baby powder along where they are.

No poison, no muss, no fuss, and I KNOW you have baby powder in your house!