Saturday, July 31, 2010

Year and a Half Jack Ass

I've been living and driving in Mexico for one year and ten months. When I first moved here I thought it was important to learn fast the meanings of different traffic signs. I say "thought" because now days I know that it doesn't really matter what the signs say, we're all going to drive the way we want, but never mind that for today.

One of the street signs - "No estacionamiento" - I remember vividly because it was such a big word and at the time impossible for my non-Spanish-speaking tongue to get out of my mouth correctly. I went around for two weeks mumbling "es-ta-see-own-uh-me-en-toe" slowly and deliberately under my breath - driving my husband nuts having to re-ask over and over "How does it go again? Esta-see-what??"

I can actually remember where I was the first time I got it right and how thrilled I was at my accomplishment. Chino and I were down town Reynosa in the car and I was practicing and all of a sudden it started flying out of my mouth quickly and correctly and I was thrilled and clapping my hands and repeating it while my husband shook his head in awe of my.... specialness.

Fast forward a year and ten months or so to the past two weeks and I've found myself facing a number of the signs you see - above to the right - every day I go to work. Because of the flooding here I was forced to find a different route to the border - at night time, alone - and for what ever reason my brain failed me the first night I ran across this "No-E" sign.


I was one block away from the street I needed when at a stop sign I looked across the street to see the "No-E" sign and thought to myself "Oh SHIT!" "No Entrance???" "But I don't know how else to get to the street I need! And it's dark! And I don't want to go around getting lost and what am I going to do because if I go the wrong way and enter that street with the NO ENTRANCE sign the Transito is going to get me and WOE IS MEEEEEE!!!!"

And so, for the past two weeks I've been taking a goofy ass twisted up route to get to the border to avoid the dreaded "No-E" signs.

I noticed that many drivers ignored the signs and drove down those streets anyway but figured that they were merely more brave than I and didn't fear the Transito. Or they didn't see the signs. Or whatever, the fact is I saw them and nothing clicked.

The "No-E" sign of course doesn't stand for "No Entrance" it STANDS for "No estacionamiento."

No Parking.


Oh. My God.

I thought the no parking signs meant no entrance and have been avoiding them all over the city trying to make my new route to the border.

Because my dildo of a brain ran low on it's double d's and mixed up the English "E" for the Mexican "E" I've been driving around the city like a psycho rat in a cheese maze with no sense of direction, merely on a a tunnel vision mission to my border prize.

I don't know why I finally realized, it just all of a sudden clicked and for one moment all the systems in my brain and body shut down for a second of stunned silence at the awe of my.... specialness.

I'm a very, very special gal.

God Help Me.

Amen.

13 comments:

Pam said...

OMG, this is hilarious. Transito has you a bit gunshy, no?

Corey Jo said...

LMAO now that is funny. You always make my days brighter with your unconcious whit!! You are without a doubt one of the funniest people I know. I always look forward to reading your blog. Your the best Lady. Love ya♥

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

Pam - Lol - why yes, they do! :D

Corey - awwwwwwwww! You're just the sweetest ever! Love ya back! :)

Sunshine said...

This is why I like you! lol
F*&(%(^*&(&)( the DAMN transito!
Bless your heart! Just bless you!
Your so much fun, and you admit that sometimes your a few french fries short of a happy meal....when...I would never let anyone know if I made a crazy mistake! You are teaching me to sit back relax and let it all out! And just to let you know....ALL of us are a few french fries short of a happy meal every so often. Your soooo not alone!

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

Sunshine - lol it's okay to be retarded sometiems! Lol - or all the time :D You're so sweet :)

Rick Thomson said...

LOL a little knowledge is a dangerous thing...reminds me of when I was just learning german, and I was pubhopping with a buddy of mine. We saw a bar that said "Oben Ohne Bar" and I said to my buddy, "No need to go in there, it says, Upstairs no bar."

Turns out it actually meant Topless Bar...I too can be special in an olympic sort of way at times...

Kristi said...

HILARIOUS!!!!!!

Theresa in Mèrida said...

The confusion of English with Spanish. Every time someone gives me a menu in both Spanish and English, my brain refuses to process that information. So I read all the entrees and try to figure out what is different between pollo agri-dulce and sweet and sour chicken because despite having different names they sound exactly alike! I also sometimes can't figure out how to spell words in English, like farmacy or foto. It looks right, but spell check says it's not spelled right.
I also was very proud of myself when I could say estacionamiento and impermeabilizar in one flowing word.
regards,
Theresa

ps, we now flaunt traffic laws with the rest of the Mexicans. The trick is knowing which ones. Like when the street takes a jog and you have to go two or three houses the wrong way on a one way street or drive two blocks out of your way. We look, make sure no one is coming, close our eyes (okay,just kidding on that one) and drive. Our excuse will "put officer, what could we do? the street continues over there!" I know it will work.

Sparx said...

Gods, I just admire the hell out of you for driving across the border every day to work anyway - hell lady, you worked it out, that's what counts!

Ritamg said...

I regularly drive the wrong way down one-way streets. Sometimes I figure it out because all the signs are facing away from me. You sure can't tell by the direction of the parked cars.

P.S. I recently was told by Miss Angeles that I drive too slow and should drive more like Papa.

Refried Dreamer said...

I was confused by "NO TIRE BASURA" for the longest time. I figured, why no "tire" trash... they should worry about the coke cans, chip bags, and whatever else people throw into the street!!!

PuertoVallartaGirl said...

we are a world of jack asses, just some of us have huevos to admit it with pride ! Thats why I like you. You are real!

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

Refried - aaahahaaahah !!! But I totally would have thought the same thing :D

P.V.G. - I'm not makebelieve THAT'S fo sho! :D