Thursday, January 28, 2010
After giving birth did your Mexican family freak out and tell you that you had to wear a "Faja?" (corset), they told me I need to wear a corset for 40 days and when I refused (over and over) they just stared at me like I grew four new eyes and started chewing my toes off for fun. When I asked WHY I had to wear a corset they shook their heads like "My gawd what PLANET does she come from!??" and told me that it's for my protection. Protection of what I have no clue but they seem pretty damn serious about this whole thing. Yesterday one pointed out that I'm still not wearing it and told me that I'm going to make myself sick. ????? I just don't know.
Manzanilla Tea. If one more person tells me to give my baby Manzanilla tea I'm going to freak right the shit out. Against my better judgement I actually broke down and gave her some in hopes of a magical colic cure but no dice, same screaming baby. LOL when I gave her the tea she did stop sucking for all of 2 seconds and look up at me like "WTF??" but quickly went back to it. That's my pigglet.
Here's my favorite, my sweet neighbor told me earlier in the week that to cure my babys tummy troubles I should take pig fat, warm it up, add salt and lime and put it on a washcloth and leave it on her tummy for 2 hours. Upon mentioning that to my Mexican friend here she laughed and told me that my neighbor is crazy that everybody knows you're supposed to use OIL, not pig fat. Well Duuhhhhhhh. :P
I don't mind any of this stuff, to tell you the truth I think it's fun as hell getting to know all of these different culture remedies. It's neat to see the way other people do things, even if I might not always agree. ;)
Friday, January 22, 2010
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
I think my lady parts have shrunk. The Lady Labia of all things. Does this happen? Doesn't it seem like I would have noticed this some time in the past month?
The sad part is it wasn't even me that figured it out! My husband was (mom and step mom I hope you've dropped out reading by now) down there getting to know her once again and actually had to tell me. Well, more like "Where deed jyour leeps go?"
I thought Geeeez it's not been that long right? Can he really be SO out of practice???
"Let me see."
"Oh no shit! Where did my stuff go??!"
"For real when did this happen?!"
"I don't know, jew don't let me see anything forever."
"Don't you think I'd NOTICE??"
Poor man. Anyways this was totally unexpected. Do they come back? When I was younger and insecure I actually dreamed about a lady part reduction but after seeing labia extender weights in a dirty adult shop (you google it for the pic cuz I'm not gonna) I started to get kind of proud of my stuff. After meeting my husband and seeing his obvious approval I never had a second thought - and NOW all of a sudden they've half disappeared! What the HELL?
I want my shit back you stupid horomones!
It's horomones right?
What the hell pregnancy, just. . . what the hell.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Last night after feeding and changing the newly happy baby I decided to celebrate by surprising my husband with a little extra curricular activity. After placing her in the crib I turned to my husband and gave him my best hey-you-come-hither eyebrow wiggle look, and was surprised to receive not a horny husband jumping out of his clothes but a husband looking at me like I was gross.
Gross indeed, I had shit running down the front of my shirt. SHIT ON MY SHIRT like a big ole runny blob of ketchup, but poo.
I don't even know HOW I got shit down the front of me but Daisy was clean as a whistle so ah well.
My husband? He got over it. He's not so stupid to turn down gettin some good stuff over a little matter of baby shit, the shirt had to come off anyways. Smart man.
What a proud moment.
Fuck a Duck and call him Charlie, I'm so seriously daft.
I dropped off Diasy today at her Auntie's house here in Mexico so I could run over to Texas and get her birth certificate. I felt lame and guilty for leaving Miss Super Piss to terrorize her extended family but this was important - and lord knows I needed a break.
I returned after being gone four hours to a happy sleeping baby and the report that she hadn't cried the whole time. Honestly? THe first I thought was "You punk ass baby I'm happy you're feeling good but why do you make me look like a crazy liar all the time by never crying anywhere but home?"
I hung out the rest of the afternoon and she never started crying. She fussed and her Grama/Auntie would pick her up and say magical things in Spanish and she'd knock right back out to sleepy land like some sort of angel baby that had never been demonic. ALL DAY she slept and didn't scream and I sat there thinking "Oh my God, my baby doesn't like me." "Or maybe I'm just SO SHITTY at being a Mom that I make her cry." "What is so WRONG with me and so RIGHT with her Grama?" "JUST WHAT THE BLISTERING HELL????"
I'm pretty slow in the ole cranium but after spending the afternoon in her house I got it. Like most of the houses down here in Mexico she doesn't have heat so when I'm over there I wrap Daisy up like a gigantic baby burrito in about 4 different blankets, cover her head and cart her around like an Eskimo.
At home? Not so much. At home we have a couple of heaters and I worry about baking the poor baby so I just let her hang out in her clothes and one light blanket. I don't know if it's that she just likes to be swaddled or if I'VE LET MY BABY BE COLD but whatever the case she's sitting on my couch right now after returning home a couple of hours ago and she still hasn't gone into hysterics.
I've got her ass wrapped up like a cigar and when she fusses all I have to do is pick her up, imitate Grama's voice, say all of her Grama magic words and my baby goes back to sleep. I might not have to imitate her voice and call my baby preciosa (precious) but why take any friggin chances?
Granted we switched her back to normal formula two days ago after the doctor said she didn't need soy and I've been giving her the gas drops faithfully for about a day now but I'm pretty damn sure it's the wrapping up that's doing the trick.
Counting my eggs before they hatch? Yes but it's been since yesterday that she went bat shit and I'm so happy I could piss my pants. Hell maybe she's just so worn out from sceaming for days on end that she needs a day of rest but what ever the case I'm at least thankful to have today.
I'm such a moron it's incredible, have any of you ever been so SOOO dim witted with your first born? The baby book lists "Make sure baby is not hot or cold" like 20 times. Incredible. At least I don't put Mountain Dew in her bottle to calm her down like I've seen the hillbillies do from back in my hometown, I'm not THAT bad (Duhhh this is Mexico, we only drink Coke here).
I stand firm on my opinion that some people shouldn't be allowed to procreate and now you see why.
(Oh god I still can't believe this, how can I be screaming "colic" one day and think maybe she was just too cold the next? Could I be any more screwed up? Too cold for 2 weeks?The doctor SAID she had colic damn it. Somebody slap me. I'm sorry Daisy!)
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Colic has a few different definitions and Daisy seems to fall into the cry-inconsolably-for-more-than-THREE HOURS - category. Last night her tirade lasted from 7p.m. to 12:30a.m. nonstop.
How does she not lose her voice? 5.5 hours of screaming nonstop and she doesn't lose her voice? Dear lord this is beyond belief, where is the Guinness Book people when you need them?
The books and the Internet say that Colic isn't painful, that it MAY be that the babies nervous system isn't developed and that they just can't stop, but the Doctor yesterday said it's just about as painful as giving birth.
No matter what the case, it's horrid because she does appear to be in great pain, like something is stabbing her over and over and yet I'm losing my gourd because of the crying. I feel terrible for her and end up crying right along with her but after a few hours just want her to stop SO BADLY.
Don't worry I'm not depressed or even really baby-blues-y so she's not in danger of me going psycho, it's just that this is beyond my wildest dreams of shittyness.
Anybody ever have a colicky baby? Any advice? I know we have to just wait it out but is there any way to not go stark raving mad while doing so? I considered taking up drinking but I'm clumsy enough and I don't want to be dropping her and falling down the stairs. Bummer.
Amanda (sunshine) I took her out in the stroller like you suggested and she actually did stop crying while we were out there - amazing to say the least! HA I'm going to become known as that strange white lady wheeling around her newborn outside in the rain and cold for 12 hours each day while her husband is at work. ( I was actually scared that if she screamed the whole time I wheeled her around that they might call the policia on me! )
Anyways, it seems the morning bout is over for now, she only went from 9:30a.m. to 2:00 p.m. this time so that's nice, an hour less than last night. DAMN IT can someone tell me how a one month old can stay awake for 10 hours a day?? SHIITTT.
I'm not going back to the online "support" groups for colic by the way, because they're all too frightening. It's just a bunch of poor women listing how many hours a day and how many months their babies have been screaming and that they've tried everything and nothing helps. Nice. We've got Daisy the anti-colic bottles, nipples and gas drops but. . . well, I sound like the message board moms, shoot me now.
I told her this morning that she better get to growing that nervous system of hers quick or I'm going to put her ass on E-bay. Okay, no, I don't want to go to jail but I DID inform my husband last night that I'm considering giving her to the neighbors. The neighbors won't WANT her but there's always that baby-on-the-door-step deal that I might be able to work out. Where's my basket??
Monday, January 11, 2010
Honestly though, it's been so long without doing it - over a full month even before giving birth per doctor instructions - and now, 3.5 weeks later with things down there still being strange and sore and generally busted, I've got the same kind of fear I felt about sex way back when before I ever experienced it.
Just like a virgin I don't know myself down there, it's a strange and uncharted territory once again. Just like a virgin I'm once again afraid it's going to hurt when I "do it" and just like a virgin I'm not even sure when will be a good time to go for it.
Hell, I've even got the over-eager-teenage-like man to go along with the whole experience yet.
"Can we do it yet?"
"Are you ready?"
"Can I touch it??"
"Are you ready now?"
And even at 3rd base he's gone all fumbly and retarded like way-back-when and seems to have forgotten where things are located. It's not been THAT long so I don't know what that's all about but he better figure my shit out before he gets back in my pants.
AHAHAHHAHAHA Gross TMI coming your way (men, skip this part) - Like a virgin I'm even afraid to wear TAMPONS.
Lord help me. Well, no, help my Vagina.
I'm pretty surprised about just how long it's taking things down there to calm down and slow up on the hurting. That's retarded because just LOOK at what came out of there, but I'm sort of in denial about that, hence the surprise. (omg what a pigglet!)
Will it be like this if he knocks me up again and I give birth again? Will I be a virgin every time or is this it? WHY am I considering that he might ever knock me up again? Being a virgin and choosing abstinence IS the only sure fire way of not getting pregnant - the public service announcements tell me so - and I'm thinking there might be something to that whole deal.
Riiiggghhhhhtt. Once a tramp always a tramp but at least I'm a tramp that will be buying extra condoms in the future and won't be running off all helter skelter and doing it without birth control. I might be a virgin again but I posses a newly wise vagina.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Do they do that everywhere? I mean REALLY?? The nurse even told me to make sure not to mess with it or try and take it off or try and leave the building with it because an alarm would go off signaling that my baby was being stolen. Before we left they even scanned her and my bracelets to make sure I was taking the right baby - yes the lit brown baby was indeed mine - before we could leave.It was surprising to say the least and unfortunately my jokes about my felon baby and her list of crimes fell flat on the nurses ears. Bitches, ah well I was at least amused.
And by the way the little green hair bow? I SO did not buy that or put it in her hair. Her Daddy bought it from a street vendor that was coming house to house selling various wares a couple of weeks ago. It was so cute, Chino came back in the house after going out to answer a knock at the fence sporting a couple of sparkly girlie hair bows and went strait to Daisy to put one in her hair, he was so proud, it was just too damn sweet.
Am I supposed to be brushing it? It doesn't have knots or anything but am I supposed to be at least parting it or combing it one way? Do 3 week olds need a hair style? MY HAIR HAS BEEN THE SAME hippie down the middle part since I was like 4 years old and I have NO CLUE what I'm supposed to do with Daisy. Do they have baby hair styles? Can't we just be glad she has clothes on??? (P.S. Amanda she's totally wearing the sleeper you got for her in this pic, so cute and SO CONVIENIENT to change diapers! You're so smart! Thank You :) )
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Labor sucks AAASSSSSSSS. Did you people KNOW what I was getting into!?? OH MY SSHHHIIITTT! Never Again, no No NO NO NO NO NO NO NO.
Ok, here we go. 3:30 a.m. my water broke. It was crazy I woke up, looked at the clock and when I went to roll back over felt it happen. All I could think was "Oh no freakin way." "Shit, shit shit shit shit shit shit OMG shit shit no freakin WAY!!" "Shit."
It was raining like crazy here - our equivalent of being "born in a blizzard" and after Chino drove my mom and I to the border I totally DID drive myself to the hospital - I told you I would. My poor Mom was nervous and had never driven my car and it was raining so hard we could only go about 35 mph - and we had NO IDEA where the hospital was. It turned out that the Midwifery Birthing Center - Holy Family Services - wasn't going to have a midwife on staff that week and so they told me I'd have to go to the hospital. Freakin kidding right? (LOL nope, but it turned out to be a blessing) The girl on staff there at 6:00 a.m. gave me my medical records, drew me a map and wished me luck.
The map she drew? Wrong. Thanx a lot stupid girl, I was in a strange city with contractions 4 minutes apart and you drew me a shitty map. You. Are. Retarded. We got totally lost and I ended up in a gas station asking for directions and having the attendent girl IGNORE me. I had a hissy fit and screached out "I'M HAVING CONTRACTIONS! CAN SOMEONE TELL ME HOW TO GET TO THE HOSPITAL!??" Right there in the gas station. LOL the guy in line behind me gave me great directions and wished me goodluck - Thank You stranger direction man - You kicked ass.
We made it to the hospital and my contractions pretty much stopped. The staff was FAR from friendly and I think my mind just shut the whole process down. Mean people = No more contractions. I was lucky that at least the birthing center had an emergency Midwife that worked at the hospital so I got her instead of what she refered to as the "Big bad doctors."
Ah well, we really did make the best of it until this shit started to kick in and I felt like my insides were being ripped apart. Contractions feel like exactly like lady-craps, just on some sort of astronomical scale that makes you wish to be put down like a horse. I'm curious what they would have felt like without the drugs to make them so strong? My Doula (God Bless her forever and ever) tried her damn bestest to work me on through, suggesting positions and doing this squeezing thing on me and staying positive and wonderful even though I started turning into a crazy lady.
When things had JUST started getting bad I remembered that it might be a good idea to "fuel up" before the coming atraction so my Mom slipped me a bag of penuts. I downed the whole thing and 2.5 seconds later one of the nurse nazis came in to re-adjust my monitors and had to get 1inch from my face in the process. EEEEEE!! I tried holding my breath - do you know how strong penut breath is!? - But I'm pretty sure I was busted when she looked at my bottle of water on the table, looked back at me and reminded me that I wasn't allowed anything other than ice chips, and walked out. (!!) LOL I guess she was a pretty cool chick, even if she was the Picotin lady.
Anyways, it got insane and I pretty much started losing it completley when I heard two other women giving birth in the rooms next to mine. They were both screaming like the doctor was in there sawing them in half and I got up and started asking my Mom and Doula - "OH MY GOD, did you HEAR THAT? Are they listening to a horror movie in there? Someone tell me that they are watching a movie - people don't make sounds like that in REAL LIFE!!" I had a freak out and started bawling and yelling "I don't want to scream like that, I'm not going to scream like that" and started hypervenilating in between crying. The nurse witnessed me and went to get the Midwife to tell her that they had a psycho and the Midwife came in to try and calm me down. She told me that yes it was a woman screaming and yes she deivered naturaly but that it was over with now and that I should think about how happy that woman was with her new little beautiful baby. I told her "That lady and her baby can kiss my ass." So she offered me some drugs to calm me down.
Did I hesitate? HELL NO. She told me that the drugs wouldn't make it hurt less but it would calm me down and take the edge off. I asked her how she felt about an Epidural and she told me she likes to avoid them at all cost and that I should just try the drugs she was going to give me.
When she left the room I freaked out and asked the nurst "OH MY GOD do you think she won't let me have an epidural? I don't think I can do this, I don't want to feel like those screaming women felt, OH MY GOD SHE HAS TO GIVE IT TO ME - she will won't she????" The nurse told me that if it was bad enough that the Midwife would give in.
That calmed me down - along with the happy drugs - for about an hour but then it was just too much. I was reduced to writing on my side and yelling "NO NO NO NO NO NO NOOOOOO" during contractions and apologizing after the contraction was over for not being positive and making it a fun time and going with the flow like I had hippie dippie planned to. All the hippie shit went flying out the window and I begged for an Epidural. Thank GOD OH MY GOD THANK YOU for making me have Daisy in the Hospital instead of the birthing center! My Mom even heard the Midwife out in the hall say "She would have never made it" refering to me doing it natural.
No way. No damn way - EVER - and I am so not ashamed. I went into this with the best of intentions but no damn way it was going to happen. The nurses told me I'd have to go to the bathroom and take my clotes off in front of them and pee for some reason but I couldn't get the gown I brought from home off off me - or my bra - because of the I.V. so I started freaking out and told them "JUST CUT IT ALL OFF!!!!!" LOL modesty went strait out the window, my goodness.
Sort of. The epidural guy messed up and only managed to numb one half of my body.
Anyways, I labored with the picotin from around noon till 7:40 at night, got the epidural and Daisy came out about an hour later at 8:44p.m.
I would have never made it 100 years ago, no friggin way.
SO, that's that and I don't want any I-told-you-so's - that would piss me off and I'm too damn tired and freaked out from keeping this newborn alive for the past 3 weeks to be getting pissed off.
Isn't my baby cute?????? Krissie???? LOL she looks like a gross swollen alien baby and they pretty much all look alike but I think she's cool. If I wouldn't have seen her come out of me I wouldn't know she's mine - she's this little brown baby and I'm an alabaster white lady. Everyone askes me if I'm sure she's mine and I can't blame them, luckily I've got photos to prove it.
Lordy. Anyhoo, for any family that might have read this far, I'm putting up all of the pics over on the Daisy Blog page so you can see all that's been going on, first bath and all that stuff. :)
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
My puppy broke my computer a couple of weeks before Daisy was born - BORN SHE'S BORN!!!!!
6 pounds 6 ounces
A friend here in MX came today and fixed me up so I'M BAAAACCCKKK and I've got a shitload to say - OH MY GAWD.
I'm so excited, I could just peeeeeeeeeeee.
Any-hoo I've got to run, my breasts must be pumped, no freakin joke.
Back soon with lots of pics and swearing galore, good heavens I'm so happy to be back.