Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Retard-N-Mexico

****Disclaimer - NOT a boo-hoo post, I hate boo-hooing and I loathe myself when catch myself doing it. This is an I'd-appreciate-if-you'd-laugh-at-my-strangeness post. Thank You.****



Now, time to laugh at just how much of a freak of nature I am.

I have a wee touch of asthma, no biggie, not the kind that'll kill you, just the kind that comes around when you're really sick or try excercising when it's cold outside or your allergies get super ugly. It only bothers me a few times a year and I don't even bother to have an emergency inhaler around because it'll go away in a few days and blah blah whatever, not a boo-hoo subject.

A couple of days ago however I was down with an ugly chest cold and just couldn't breathe enough to be comfortable so I took my butt to the pharmacy. LOVE Mexican pharmacies, you just walk in, say, "I want Viagra, Valium, Oxycotin, a couple queludes and um.....an inhaler." and they'll just bag the shit up and ring up your order. NO, I've never bought those things but it's cool that they're there if I ever decided to become a druggie or my hubby goes limpy, and the inhaler part is a plus.

So, I bought an inhaler, ran home, Googled it to make sure it was the right stuff and wasn't going to kill me and then proceeded to try and figure out how to use it. I've only used an inhaler one other time in my life AND it's this.....weird but cool child saftey type inhaler (i.e. you're fucked if you're sleep deprived and can't read the Spanish instruction manual).

Anyhoo, I called my husband over for help and his first question was "You have asthma?" Um...yes, nice to meet you lover.

Moving on. He figured it out, I used it and in 10 seconds I could breathe. Those things are freaking MAGIC!! I don't know why I never bother to use them when I'm screwed up, but whatever, it was great.

For about 1 minute. After about a minute I started to sweat and feel shaky and my heart was going wild and I was feeling just WRONG.

I thought, "Aw shit, freakin' Mexican drugs, gonna kill me after all, CRAP."

I knew if I was going to die quick or something I wouldn't be able to make it across the border to Texas in time and there was NO way I was going to a Mexican hospital. If they saved me I'd end up with brain damage, one eye and a penis. Not that a penis would be bad, then I could fufill my life long dream of writing my name in the snow with pee, but, um.....got off track.

SO. I did what any respectable possibly dying person would do, and Googled it.

Don't judge, maybe there'd be a McGuyver cure using baking soda, an onion and a paper clip. You never know.

Luckily, Google had a list of possible side affects (in ENGLISH) and after reading two of them "Nervousness, anxiety...." I had the "Ah Haaaaaaa" (Ah haaaaa dumbass) moment.

I forgot to take my nerve pills that day. BTW I like to say "nerve pills" like an old person because it's just more fun than saying the up-to-date-clinical version. Like, "Hold on dearest, let me take my nerve pill and then I'll mix us some martini's to go with our jello mold desert and we can discuss the new neighbors, I'd swear they look like commies."

So anyhoo, I forgot to take the good ole calm-your-ass-down pills and the medicine in the inhaler sent me into an unprovoked yet immediate anxiety attack. It was a weird feeling because I always have to have something to BE freaked out about to fall off the crazy cart, but the asthma drugs can trigger one sans-provacation.

Who knew???

So there you have it, I'm a freak. I mean really, just......REALLY?

10 minutes and one nerve pill later and I was fine (Score one for Google bitches!) but without that coveted accidental penis transplant. Next time.

8 comments:

BC said...

Sweetie, you KNOW we always laugh at your strangeness. Mostly because it feels so oddly familiar!

Marlo said...

Just so you know, from a medical point of view, no need for the nerve pill. Nearly everyone's body reacts that way when they first use inhalers. It will get easier and you will nearly forget the panic ridden 10 minutes of heart racing, shaking, dyingness at least you can breath feeling! :-) if you really want to get freaky take a benadryl 30 minutes before using the inhaler. Your body isn't sure if you should run a marathon or sleep tor 24 hours kind of feeling ;-)

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

BC - lol, so kind ;)

Marlo - The "nerve pill" I take twice a day every day or I don't function like a useful human being. :D But really??? It does it to regular people too? NFW!!

"...should run a marathon or sleep tor 24 hours..." LMAO!!! :D

rubireyes said...

I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing with you. I too am convinced that entering a hospital here or even a doctors office will certainly be the end of me. Although I wouldn't mind a penis, just to see what all the fuss is about.

~ellen~ said...

Glad you weren't dying :D

gringationcancun said...

I LOVE Mexican pharmacies! I can buy my birth control pills without needing to get a stupid prescription every few months.

And for the few things I DO need a prescription for, I can get a prescription from "Dr. Simi" for $20 pesos.

Oh how I love Dr. Simi...

Zoe said...

She is baaaack and flinging nutso pudding like she used to! Hurrah, Lindy. I think along with Mahatma Gandhi, Ryan Gosling, Stephen Wright and Stephen Hawking,and Whoopi Goldberg, I'd put you in there as a desired dinner guest! Your humor and takes on issues cracks me up every time. Now, go do something about Mr. Limpy. '-)

Natalie J said...

Just found your blog... LOVE IT:)