Sunday, March 14, 2010

I suck donkey balls and she sucks my . . . finger.

Colic? Who knows. Too cold? Not so much the cause. Over fed? Not anymore. Gas pills and special bottles - check. None of these are truly the problem because it comes down to the plain fact that I suck donkey balls at making my baby feel good.
I feed, change, rock, sing, coo, dance, walk, put her in the stroller, make sure she's dressed right ect. but for some reason I can't seem to put my baby at ease enough to fall asleep. Do you KNOW what happens after a baby has stayed awake for 4 hours trying to go to sleep? Any idea how frustrated and sad the poor little screaming thing can get? Shit.

Why doesn't she feel comfortable enough with me to fall asleep? Does she know that I threaten to give her to the neighbors? Does she know that I never wanted children before her? Is she a genius baby and therefore understands when I lovingly call her "Shitty baby," "Junky baby"and say "Mommy is going to run away?"

I've drove (driven?) my baby to her Gramas house every day for the past 4 days because the moment she lands in her gramas hands she's out like a light. I copy her Grama's hold at home and even stand in front of the mirror to make sure I've got it right but she always puts her little hands on my chest and pushes me away like I've got the stink eye.

Do I smell? I totally just did a deod check and I don't smell so why can't she stand to be near me? Does she remember somehow that I'm the evil person who makes her take baths and changes her clothes? (Dear lord do all babies get so pissed when you change their clothes?)

Am I ulgy?
Bad breath?
She's offended by swearing?

Is it possible for a newborn to reject it's mother? I'm not googling that, please don't let me google that.

*Sigh*

I take deep breaths and think happy thoughts and try to be relaxed so that she won't feel my stress. Maybe I'm trying too hard? You know like the beginning of a weird relationship where one person goes all psycho and stalker-y and tries so hard that it freaks the other person out? Or maybe I'm not trying hard enough??

SHHHIIIITTT!

The only thing I've found that she likes is my pointer finger. She won't take a pacifier but she loves to suck on my pointer finger. Do you have ANY idea how long a 1 month old can stay awake sucking on a mothers finger?? 1 hour last night, 1.2 hours at 3a.m. and 1.5 hours this morning at 9:30a.m. She'll be half awake the whole time just a sucking away while I sit cramped and retarded and having to pee because I can't move or she'll cry. She tries to fall asleep but will wake up just before drifting off and look up at me like "Oh shit, close one, the scary clown lady might have got me in my sleep. WHEW. Suck suck suck. Stare stare stare."

She'll like me when she get's older right? Or should I just cut my hair? Maybe wear a wig? More makeup. . . ???





3 comments:

Refried Dreamer said...

isn't motherhood wonderful?

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

Refried - Not so much?

Refried Dreamer said...

haha... I got lucky. my son was so pissy as a baby... and thankfully he prefered late nights with my husband over me. OH darn.