Gringa-N-Mexico

Gringas Are Smelly

2011-10-23T16:15:00.002-05:00

My Gringa-ness makes people feel uncomfortable. I couldn't think of a good way to begin this post so there you have it.
When we go to fiestas here there's always family or friends that we know and then about 30 OTHER people that we don't know. And I, singlehandedly with my pale English speaking self have a magical ability to make those 30 other people feel really uncomfortable. Plus the host, because none of their friends will speak or have a good time until I vacate the premesis.

I'm a nice person, friendly, smile-y and everything but there's something about my Gringa-ness that just .....FREAKS strangers out here. Is it a cultural thing I don't know about?

Yesterday we were invited to a birthday party at our friends house. When we showed up there were about 12 people outside eating and having a good time but when we came and I sat down the party went silent. *chirp chirp* *crickets* People sitting on either side of me stared straight ahead and all conversation stopped. Some people have the grace to go to another area of the party but the others just stay and try and not stare at me.

This ALWAYS happens!

After a while, another car load of about 10 people showed up and they didn't even want to come in the gate of the house, they stayed outside and STARED in my direction and then away, like "OMFG, the devil is in there!" The host had to drag them in and make them sit down. Nobody shook my hand but there were at least a few polite "Buenas Noches." People ate in silence.

I usually try to start conversation with someone and normaly get one word responses or strained grunts.

If the host is really great they'll talk to me and maybe tell a joke about me to the crowd and help me to say something to kind of break the glass a bit and then people will at least find a way to party among one another and do their best to pretend that I'm not there. A lot of sideways stares.

Sometimes, to my relief, a person will get brave and ask me what in the world I'm doing in Mexico or where I'm from. Those questions usually lead to a big group Q & A where they ask me all sorts of crazy stuff about the U.S. or my past life, but at least then they TALK to me. After one of those they'll even include me in the party and I'm always thankful for the curious person.

I've noticed that strangers in general aren't too talky-talky here like they are in the U.S. so I know it's not JUST because I'm a Gringa, but I know it makes it worse. Back home you can strike up a conversation with a lady in line in the store by saying "OMG, I LOVE your shoes!" and 20 minutes later you're in the parking lot still taling and soon to be best friends. HERE if you say you like something another person has or is wearing they look at you like you have two heads and may bite them at any moment. With both heads.

I don't know WHY strangers aren't friendly with one another here and I don't know why Gringa-strangers are even more freaky. Back home if a foreign person came to a party we would MAUL them with questions and attention.

I often wonder if there's a key, a magical IN that I don't know about in these situations that would help. Like, a phrase I could say or handshake. I thought my babies would get me in the in-crowd but turns out it's a no-go.

Someday maybe we'll just know enough people that I won't BE a stranger anymore or maybe I'll just get used to being an Elephant with Leprosy hanging around in the room. But for now, I'm gonna REALLY appreciate the new friends I'm making at work and the family of my husband.

I'm A Big Kid Now

2011-10-15T15:13:00.005-05:00

I JUST got back from teaching my first English class to *drum roll.........d.d.d.d.d.d.d.d* ADULTS!!! :) EEEEEE!!!! I was psyched before the class and I'm still psyched after!

It was miraculous, they...LISTENED. They didn't complain about doing the work and they didn't yell or throw things or... well, it was just great.

There were a few times when they were talking when I was talking but it's a different thing. It doesn't bother me like it would with the littles because quite frankly they are adults and it is no longer my job to teach them manners. If my 4th graders are being rude I have to give them the what-for but if these adults are commiting a wee little transgretion - whatever! As long as it's not horribly disruptive I just don't care and it's nice to be able to let things slide off my back for a change.

I did have to lay the smack down a few times for the NO-SPANISH rule, but it's a more FUN smack-down with adults!

I only have 6 students! I DID just about piss my pants when two of them walked in the room though. One of them is a mother of one of my 4th graders that I had some trouble with at the beginning of the year, plus, she works at the school and her decisions directly effect me. When she walked in my knees turned rubbery and I thought "Oh dear God, I am in so much trouble, she's going to eat me alive."

But she was great. She's an excellent student and was just all around awesome.

Another worker, one of our fancy office people is a student of mine and I once again wanted to flee the building when she walked in but I held my ground and it worked out just fine.

There was a couple of moments I wanted to jump off a bridge, like when one of the students asked me "WHY do we use ___ word and not the other?" And......I had nooooo freakin' clue. I knew I was RIGHT, but I didn't know WHY I was right and I just stood there imagining myself kicking myself in the ass. I eventually just fessed up and said that I don't remember. He of course smelled blood and came after me quite a few more times, "WHY is this like that? Why not this or this?"

That ones a teenager, it's his job to make fools of adults I guess, and I did my best to answer or avoid him. I of course ran STRAIGHT to my boss to freak out after the class and ask him what to do in those situations. Luckily he's brilliant and gave me some great advice. Next time I'll be able to stop Mr. Teenager in his tracks. BooYA Justin Bieber!

And in my defense I had no idea what level or even what material I would be using and teaching in this class till 10 minutes before hand. So.....there.

So anyhoo, it's an odd feeling to be teaching ones superiors but I think I'm gonna be just fine.

Somethin' To Talk About

2011-10-13T11:25:00.001-05:00

I was super excited when we moved into our new house a couple months ago because my new neighbor speaks ENGLISH!!! EEEEE!!! I was PSYCHED!! I hemmed and hawed and shuffled my feet for WEEKS trying to figure out a way to go over to her house and start up a conversation (leading to everlasting friendship and happiness) and was thrilled when I came up with a way.

Insert - Babies! Hooray babies have a use after all!! She and I share babies of the same age so one day when she was outside with hers we wandered over so my baby could say hi *ahem* to her baby.

We of course started talking and I was thrilled to be speaking in English to a lady that seemed pretty nice! And she IS nice.....but there's a wee problem.

She's of the Mexican culture arena that is super DUPER over protective, MY-BABY-IS-THE-UNIVERSE.

I, am not.

If my baby wants to throw a 2yo tantrum and fling herself on the ground in the street and scream? Let her ass! If HER baby wants to do the same? Oh my God. First, it would be a catastrophe if her baby were to touch the ground. She'll swoop him up so fast and squeeze him to her bosom "OH, MI AMOR, YOU ALMOST TOUCHED THE GROUND!" DEAR LORD NOT THE GROUND!

Are there mini zombie brain eating monsters that I don't know about on the ground waiting to kill our babies? Did I miss something?

If my baby throws herself on the ground I let her stay there until she's done being an asshole and then just -NEWSFLASH- dust her off when she's done! There's no harm in a baby sitting on the ground for a minute but this lady goes into the freaking VAPORS if her kid even starts to kneel!

It's not just her though, I've seen mmaaaaannnyy Mexican Mommy's that are the same way. Maybe there's a superstition I don't know about or something???

Anyhoo. Also when her kid starts to throw a fit (and I mean a little bastard I-am-a-two-year-old-the-world-is-ending-fit) she'll cram him to her bosom, drop what she's doing and exlaim "OHHHH Mi VIIIIDDAAA Mi AMMMMMOOORRRRR What is it??? What is WRONG?? How can I make it all better mi precious peice of GOLD???" And all the while the kid is kicking and screaming - OR - going complacent because he knows he is soon to get his way.

Also, dogs. The neighbor lady saw our dog come up and lick Daisy in the face and saw me laugh and do nothing about it but shoo the dog away and about came UN-GLUED. "OH! That's disgusting! Dogs are nasty your POOOOORRR baby!!!" She then wouldn't let my baby go near her baby - fear of disease?? - then rushed back to her house for fear that we would ..... well I don't know. Chase her baby with a slobbery dog?

So. She thinks I'm a bad Mommy and I think she's a freak and now we can't be best friends for life and share our secrets and eat chocolate like I was hoping for. We talk once in a while but the baby taboo always comes up and I always go home feeling like a pod-person.

SO! Onward I go, a friend I will find some day!

Circus Peanuts

2011-10-10T21:34:00.008-05:00

Today on our almost daily trek to the park we were surprised by a pop-up mini carnival. They're super common here in Reynosa and appear from time to time in our local park. A couple times a year I guess? There's quite a few outfits that travel all over the parks here (there are tons and TONS of parks here) year round bringing their carney joys.

The rides match everything else about Mexico. They're all a bit ramshackle, somewhat dangerous and outdated - but fun. The SPEED on these things, oh dear lord, it's like ....they run at LEAST 3 times faster than any ride you'll find in the U.S. And most of them ARE FROM the U.S......from about 30 years ago or so. The little baby-car round-y-round goes so fast that the babies have to hold on for dear life to avoid being flung off by the centripical force.

So what do we do? Why throw on our 21 month old for a few joy rides of course. The key to rides here is to pick the one that is most likely to not have super-dire consequences if it blows a hose or bolt and goes haywire. The horizontal-spinning-wheel-of-death? No. The spinning-30mph-in one direction-at-one-level? Yes. If it goes wackadoodle it'll just stop, the wheel of death will topple and crush. No Thank you.

Speaking of death wheels, last spring when it was here there was a mini ferris wheel that we were contemplating going on as a family. That is untill we got close and noticed that the spinner-wheel that turned the contraption HAD A FLAT and was just sort of smushing along and letting the bigger wheel slip now and then. We asked the guy running it about it and he said "NAH, don't worry about it, 20 pesos, let's go!" He was also BLASTED drunk, like...weaving and bobbing. We just stared in disbelief as a fellow carnie came by and told drunk-pee-pants to shut the thing down and shooed us away.

So anyhoo, Daisy went on rides alone today for the first time and gripped the wheels like an old ghetto pro. She didn't fall off even when one of the carnie guys went off to talk to a friend and left her on the ride for about a 7 minute stretch going round and round and round while Mommy was getting a wee nervous because she noticed that said baby was getting dizzy and a little weavy and bobby herself. But she hung in there and all's well that ends well. I didn't have to hit the emergency stop or anything.

And Niko? He'll have to wait till next year.

Mr. Hanky The Christmas Poo

2011-10-08T23:59:00.002-05:00

*******WARNING: This post involves bathroom habitry. It's TMI and I don't care but YOU might care. So...there ya go.*******

We are fortunate (in ways) to live right on the border of TX and Mexico. The average wage here for a laborer in a factory is about 700 pesos a week for working 12 hour days. That equates to about 65 U.S. dollars. My husband worked in a factory earning that wage for our first year here and then we were lucky and brave enough to start up our own wee little business selling goods from TX, over here in a flea market. He makes a bit more than working in a factory and only has to work 3 days a week, leaving the rest of the time open for him to stay home and care for the babies while I'm at work. It's a super win-win situation.

To get those goods from TX I need to travel over there at least once a week to go shopping and find the things he'll need for the week. And THERE is where my little.....strange-it-ty takes place.

I travel to anywhere from 4-10 stores on a given Saturday looking for the cheapest and best goods to take back and sell. There are a few places I go to every week and in one of them my little problem takes place. No matter what time of day I get there, within 1 minute of walking in the door......I suddenly have the urge to.....find a potty.

EVERY. FREAKING. SINGLE. TIME. No matter what time of day and I can't even get down a half an isle before I'm jumping around and crossing my legs like a 4th grader fighting off the urge to not soil my damn pants!

I don't know what happened in my brain somewhere along the line but for some odd reason it's got a couple of nuerons all crooked crossed up and instead of it saying "It's time to shop" it screams "It's time to POOOOOOO!!!"

I told you. Tmi. But it's WEIRD TMI!!

About a year and a half ago I used to have the SAME thing happen in a different store that I would go to each week but I eventually stopped going there when I found a place with cheaper stuff and I thought my little weirdo problem was solved, but nope....it came back.

It's been going on for about a year now in the new store and it's just.... goofy. I wouldn't be botherd by it or even care but the shop doesn't HAVE A BATHROOM and the only public potty in the whole freakin' po-dunk town is a half mile away and always has a line out the door of women waiting to go.

For some reason I never remember it's going to happen and so I've never done a pre-trip to the potty place for some preventive measures and so EVERY SINGLE TIME I get half way down the isle and scream "DANG IT!! CRAP! AGAAIIINNN!!" inside my head and kicky myself mentaly in the face for being such a freak.

Most days I can prance around and wait it out long enough to get my stuff and go but sometimes, like today, I have to freaking put my basket DOWN, leave the crapping store and drive to the potty place. It's dag gum incon-freaking-vinient.

Why can't I REMEMBER this is going to happen and WHY does it happen every time??? I go almost eeeevvveerrryyy Saturday so that means it's happend about 50 times to me in the past year. That's just not right.

Is there some sort of anti-poo meditation I can do? A re-wire my retarded synapse pathways chant or something?

SHIT.

Let 'Er Fly

2011-10-03T06:42:00.002-05:00

Mexicans can't sing.

In groups that is. It must be some sort of cultural thing but when a group gets together here to sing a group song, anthem what-have-you, basicaly people just....yell. They just yell the words in tempo and forget about any sort of melody.

I don't mean anything bad or rude by pointing this out, it just is what it is and maybe I felt like stirring up some shit. Nothing like a little hate mail in the morning but remember, I've always promised to keep my blog truthful.

At the school where I work we all stand together Monday morning and sing the Mexican Hymn, the Tamaulipas Hymn and the school song and it's always the same. The music blares over the loud speakers and a couple hundred people stand there and yell out the words. It always gets me feeling awkward and feet shuffly because I don't know how NOT to sing, I don't get this yelling thing, and when I try to sing along with the actual music I end up sounding out of place.

Maybe because they have a penchant for making music about a half octave out of peoples comfort range here? Kinda like that church lady with the warble who always insists on being a super-soprano and singing a full octave above everyone else and sticks out like a sore thumb? That's what I feel like trying to sing here, but I care that I sound weird.

It's the same at any family function where we sing Happy Birthday, I get all weirded out because I sound like an ass actually singing the song while everybody else yells and I usually end up lip-synching and REALLY looking weird.

What jerk lip-synchs to Happy Birthday??

I mean really, who really has the problem here?

Freak.

Who Wants a Ham Sandwhich?

2011-10-01T06:56:00.000-05:00

During our Culture Fair at the school last year each class recived a country to make a table for.

They were encouraged to bring in foods, items and info native to their given country and the U.S. team brought all the things in they could think of to represent the States.

Here, right next to the macaroni and cheese, jello and Mcdonald's is what the kids labled "Philly Cheese Steak."

I think somebody forgot to Google a picture of that one before setting it up.

Too...freaking.....great.

And to boot? It was made out of a dog toy.

Love it!

Three Years in Mexico

2011-09-30T16:38:00.006-05:00

Earlier this month while trying to get across the border into the U.S. I was asked by the border gaurd how long I've been living in Mexico. I realized that THAT day was exactly 3 years and it got me thinking how short of a time frame three years sounds to be.

In three years I crammed in three pregnancies and ended up with two babies. I went from being I-don't-like-kids-never-want-them and knowing NOTHING of babies to being a first and second time mommy. (said second baby to the left there with some family members on Independence day) Second time mommy's know everything there is to know about babies and will tell you that if their new four month old wants to be drug around the house by his left foot, nekkid and gnalming on an old book that it's JUST FINE as long as he's HAPPY.

I managed to walk into a school here in Mexico and say "Hey! I have no classroom experience but are ya lookin' for any teachers??" and have them say "Why YES white lady, COME ON IN!" I learned how to be a teacher from the Internet and co-workers and now during my second year I kinda feel like maybe I really AM a teacher and that oh-dear-God-I kinda like it. It's hard to dread going to work when you know there are going to be forty ten year olds waiting to hug you.

In three years my husband and I have had ups and downs but I know we're ok because when he walks out of the shower I still have the urge to run up to him, steal his towel, smack his ass and run away yelling "I see your boooootaayyy I smacked your booootaayy and yoouuuuu know you liiiikkeeee eeeeettt!"

In three years I've learned to cook all the Mexican food my husband could ever ask for and I'll be damned but it took 2.5 of those years to get the recipie for his granny's salsa! Sometimes older Mexican ladies don't like to share their best recipies because it's THEIRS damn it but I figured out if you ask over and over and over that they'll give you 2/3's of the recipie each time - but they MIGHT not remember which ingredients they told you in the times before and will screw up and tell you new ingredients and leave out old ones at each new go round. After you've asked about five or six times you should have all of the ingredients in a recipie and can finally give it a try. It took me that 2.5 years to get out of ole abuela that her secret ingredient in salsa is..... OIL. Shoulda known.

We've moved three times in the past three years, gone through a couple vehicles and given away a lot of stuff. I can't remember where I read it but someone said something about how we need to decide if it is US that holds onto our STUFF or if the STUFF has a hold on us. I was hanging on to a lot of things from my old home and old life and felt the need to find a way to let a lot of it go.

There's so much more but I feel like gettin' a move on and taking the babies to the park. I've finaly got a bit of time here and there to blog again so how about we give this another go? I've got a lot of pictures waiting to get out and Mexico hasn't been one to disappoint these past months. Let's let the fodder out!

Public Enemy #2

2011-07-30T08:00:00.003-05:00

This lil guy is severly enbrazilado! It's a slang for en brazo - in arms and chiflado - spoiled. Basicaly it means that this lil mug requires being held for about 90% of his waking hours - or he will scream. Bloody murder. In fact, I'm typing one handed right now hoping that he doesn't figure out that he's not the center of my attention for a couple of minutes - lest he'll go baby ape shiit.

Luckily for my sanity he has big fat cheeks that I take liberty of gnalming on throughout the day - usually followed by big-ole-pig snorts into his fattty neck while proclaiming "Who's a fatty!? Who's mammas bubba chunk!?"

He always looks away and gets a far off look in his face during these times... like he's merely enduring it and trying not to let himself be insulted by going to his happy place - because he somehow knows that Mommy needs to revel in his chub and cuteness or else she just might leave his ass on a doorstep, and the doorstep people might not give him as much milk. Or something

All I know is that it's a damn good thing I think he's so cute and he smiles so much and seems to generaly worship me while in my arms for those 12 hours a day. Cuz otherwise? DOOR. STEP.

Mexican Ducks in a Row!

2011-07-03T17:36:00.004-05:00

I've been wanting to get a pic of these lil guys for a couple of YEARS now!

Every once in a while here at the flea markets a box full of baby duckies or baby chicks will show up in all their fuzzy cuteness - and adorned - with baseball caps.

The caps are styrofoam and GLUED onto the chicks heads.

I can't imagine what the animal rights folks would do with this sort of thing back home (lol!) but the caps are sure to fall off after a short while when the fuzz sheds and the pin feathers come in.

In the mean time though, well, just look at them!

Livin' On A Prayer

2011-06-07T14:35:00.002-05:00

Dear Lord,

I don't think it's very good if I spend time praying for 15 minutes to sweep and Mop my floor. There's so much more in the world that needs praying for, like.... things 1,000,000 times worse than my dirty floor. This should be a no brainer right God? Just PUSH the "YES" button and LET ME CLEAN MY HOUSE. That way, I can get back to praying for the starving orphans. You want starving orphan prayers don't you???

*ahem*

Yours Truly, Amen,

- Trashed House Mommy

5 Signs That You Might Be Married To A Mexican

2011-06-03T18:51:00.002-05:00

1. If the preferred cleaning liquid for your entire house is Clorox. Not Bleach, no, CLOROX. It's like the Cher of cleaning fluids.

2. If your spouse can request the same thing at all three meals a day and it's not considred an OCD or even strange. (tortillas yall)

3. If after a few years you realize that a human being can actually survive drinking only Coke.

4. If you present your spouse with a generic Coke or (God forbid) Pepsi and find yourself being hissed at.

5. If your spouse refers to you as "Jew" and you aren't Jewish. "Are jew going to feeneesh dat?"

LOVE my husband! :)

Dishes, Diapers and Doo Doo OH MY!

2011-05-31T14:15:00.006-05:00

I was just doing dishes and thinking about my Mom and her gratitude rock. It's a rock you keep in your pocket and everytime you put your hand in your pocket for change or what-not and touch it - you think of something you're grateful for. My Mom keeps one all the time and she's a thank-filled lady :)

Anyhoo, I was thinking about that and the dishes I was washing. I might not love to wash dishes but if I think about it.... I'm grateful to HAVE dishes TO wash. Some people here in Mexico don't have much more than a pan or pot, let alone a stove.

I'm thankful to have soap to wash them and a scrubbie to scrub them because I've seen people using river water and rocks and weeds here. I'm thankful I have food to put IN those dishes to cook!

Most important I'm so thankful I have a family to feed off those dishes. I've got a great family to wash those dishes for and a husband who will even help me sometimes.

It's neat what we can be truly grateful for if we stop and think about it.

Diapers! My husbands Aunt raised 9 kids in rural Mexico 40 years ago and told me one day that she never had a diaper ONE! She said they were poor and used ripped up shirts. Can you imagine? So I'm darn thankful for these diapers and the little butts I've been blessed enough to clean.

The floor I have to sweep and mop means I HAVE a floor and not dirt like some others do here. People with dirt floors DO sweep though. They take care of what they have.

I can't wait to think of other chores I thought I disliked, just so I can think of how thankful I should be for them! What can YOU be thankful for?

Just A Few Things...and a Poosee

2011-05-18T18:15:00.003-05:00

Babies are some gassy damn people. Just FYI.

Between the 1 month old and the 16 month old our house is a continuous symphony of baby butt musicians. I'm pretty sure I've not gone for more than 30 minutes at a stretch in the past month without being farted upon. Not that I care, baby farts are LOUD and drawn out but not smelly and I happen to love toilet humor so ... well what's not to love? When I was about 12 years old my best pal the neighbor boy and I spent an entire summer taping ourselves forcing out the biggest nastiest burps would could muster. (Remember how COOL it was when you figured out how to record yourself with your boombox??) We sat down, swalloed air, hit "record" and burped our way to an hour long tape of mouth-flatulance and giggles and then spent the next two years wearing the tape out listening to ourselves and peeing our pants. My Moms still got the tape, she's cool like that.

It was Day of the Teacher here in Mexico last week and I saw on a FB friends site that she had posted up a big apple and a big thank you note to all her teacher friends. It got me to thinking about the sweeter than sugar 1st grader I had in one of my classes this past year who was always bringing me apples. I wonder where that tradition started? I imagine it started in a time before Valium. That's what I'll be sending MY kids to school with to give their teachers. That and maybe the occaisional bottle of Vokda.

Anyhoo, thinking of him brings me to another kid, the "Poosee" kid. OMG. I was with a class of fourth graders and had just given them the assignment of writing and acting out their own play. One boy walked up to me about 20 minutes into it and asked, "Teacher, can we use the word Poosee?" I genuinely didn't understand him at first and asked him to repeat.

"Poosie teacher, can we use that word?"

"WHAT word?"
"Poosee."
"Say it agian??"
"Poosee."

I honest to goodness thought I understood what he was asking but wanted to make SURE so I asked him -

"Oh....um...what does that word mean sweetie? Can you tell me?"

"Oh, well you know teacher, like... it's what you call your friends when they're being chicken and you're playing." "You call them a poosee."

"Ohhhhhh. Ok...um no sweetie. Um....that's a bad word ok? It's one of those words that we never EVER say in school ok?"

"Oh.... so we can't use it in the play?"

Vodka and a case of Depends, cuz kids really are funny.

Thong Song

2011-05-15T10:48:00.003-05:00

I came down stairs this morning wearing the tight pants my husband has been requesting and was met with his cat-calls and "Hey Wera!" "Yahh!" A little confidence boost in the morning is never bad but about a half hour later he THEN informed me that he was going to make a trip to my underpants drawer and find me a better pair of underwear to wear. He told me, and I quote - "Dose look like granny butt." "Jew need something to not show dee lines."

*head smack*

God really?

He actually took his butt up stairs, went THROUGH MY DRAWS and proceeded to throw a dang pair of tanga panties down at me from above. (*snort* I just typed "panties")

Anyhoo, he didn't say anything else, just went about his merry way off to take a shower, confident that when he came back my granny-panty-looking bottom would be fixed. (They SO were NOT granny panties btw, they were just.... comfortable)

You know the crazy thing though? I honest to God DID march my ass to the bathroom and swap them out. I still can't decide if it's major LOVE or if I'm a secret door-mat or if I just plain didn't want to go out for my walk later and have people think I wear granny-panties.

Nah... I'm pretty sure I'm not a door-mat. If anything I was humoring him....and I don't want to go for a walk with a goofy looking butt.

Of course, now I have wedgie-feeling-butt. PEOPLE WHAT IS SO WRONG WITH COMFORTABLE UNDERPANTS !?!?? They had cartoon bunnies on them! Cartoon bunnies do not granny panties make. You know, some people happen to LIKE full coverage in the butt area.

Ugh... What-ev-er.

Dieting AGAIN!?? Lonjas!

2011-05-14T08:09:00.004-05:00

When I first moved to Mexico I was immediately taken back by the way women dress. It seemed that either nobody owned a mirror or that clothing at least two sizes too small was the IN style. Women run around here with not just muffin top but with their muffin tops bared for the world to SEE! I liked to go to the park, sit on a bench and just stare at the people walking by and soak up their obliviousness to fashion or size. I loved it.

Coming from the U.S. where size is so SO huge a deal and where every little lump, bump or yes, muffin is a huge discrace, it was shocking and all of a sudden liberating to be in a new world where people just don't seem to give a flying monkey about it all. I wasn't able to join the forces of spare-tire-bare-er-alls but I felt comfortable in my skin for just about the first time in my adult life.

Fast forward 2.5 years and two babies later and I'm wishing I could re-capture some of that initial new-found zest for my bodys extra curves. It's three weeks post birth and my husband is all of a sudden begging me to wear tight clothes again. Tight? Eeeek! The only clothes I own that fit me right now are a couple of shorts a pair of jeans and some t-shirts that are all blessedly NOT tight. I'm desperately dieting and trying to exercise so that I can fit back into my pants that seem SOOO far away from me and he's bugging me to wear tight clothes. God bless him but I just can't seem to get on the ban-wagon.

I tried to explain that my stomach is all out of whack and not fit for being showcased by a tight shirt and do you KNOW what the man does???!! This is Mexican culture at it's best yall. He walks over to me, grabs an oversized handful of someones *ahem* spare tire and says "What? Jew don like my lonjas? (spare tire) I don't care, dey're mine." He squeezes the spare over-inflated-tire holds onto it for a while and even leans down to give me a kiss. And then laughs at me!

In the U.S. I'd have divorced his ass right then and there but this is Mexico and he doesn't mean even the slightest thing bad by it. In the U.S. a husband shows his love for his plump wife by ignoring or pretending that her spare tires don't exist "NO those pants don't make your butt look big!" but in Mexico they show their love by bringing your extra parts to attention, calling you "Mi Gorda" (my fatty) and making light of the whole thing. They're not raised to care about it in a negative way like we are in the U.S. In fact, they just don't care AT ALL.

I'll never forget the first time my husbands family were all together and the women decided to show off their bellies to the family so everyone could laugh. It went sort of like.... "Look at Diana, she looks like she's 4 months pregnant! Haahahahaha" At which point Diana proudly lifted her shrit, grasped her generous midsection in both hands and began dancing the whole thing about and having a good ole time laughing about it. '

All the other cousins and aunts joined in doing the same thing and I sat there having a heart attack thinking "OH MY GAWD THEY'RE SHOWING THEIR BARE STOMACHS! PEOPLE CAN SEEEE!!" There were stretch marks and tires and belly-buttons gone bad, everybody was laughing and having a great time and the women showcased couldn't have cared less. Their husbands sat next to them and proudly laughed along throwing in little comments of their own and I gave a silent prayer of thanks that nobody asked me to lift MY shirt.

Over the almost three years spent here my husband has tried calling me HIS "Gorda" or "Gordita" (Fatty, little fatty) but I've informed him time and time again that I'll never be THAT Mexican-an-ized. He backs off before trying again a few months later and in the mean time is placated by the fact that I allow him to call me his "Vieja" (his old lady.) In the U.S. it's ok for a hillbilly to say "Yeah, me and my ole-lady...." but not so much to say "Yeah, me and my ole-fatty..." Just no. Not so much gonna happen bucko.

I can't quite embrace my extra-ness and to the wonder and head-shakes of my husbands family I'll be dieting and exercising like a psycho until it's brought back under control again - BUT - I'll at least feel a wee bit OK about myself in the time that it takes to get there. In the U.S. I wouldn't have had that luxury and I'd like to take a moment to be thankful for it.

Birthing On The Border

2011-05-07T17:37:00.008-05:00

I have TWO children! I know it's no big deal, so average and whatever as far as the world is concerned, but for me - a previous I-will-never-EVER-have-children-because-they're-yucky-and-lame believer - it's a pretty big deal. Here I am though, Daisy's 15 months and her little brother 15 days and I'm quite smitten with the both of them. Who knew?

No more kids though, good crapping goose in hand basket NO MORE. ;D

If you were with me back when when Daisy was born you might remember that my Mom was here to go with me across the U.S./Mexican border and to the hospital. I drove in labor because she was scared to death of Mexican roads and traffic and got lost in Texas on the way to the hospital because I had never been there before because I was planning on delivering at a Mid-wife center that all of a sudden had no Mid-wife the day I went into labor. It turned out great and nothing less than what I would expect from my goofy life. Nikoli's entrance into the world of course proved to be no less exciting.

I went into labor Thursday night two weeks ago, the day before Good Friday, a week and a half before the due date and two days before my Mom was to arrive in Mexico. At the time I was more freaked out by the fact that I'd not had time to finish the laundry and wash the walls... than the fact that my Mom wouldn't make it to be with me. Horomones or shame I'm not sure which but I REALLY wanted her to come to our house being spic and span.

It was 9:30 at night and I wasn't sure if it was for real labor but I figured that I'd better go because the closest border crossing would close in a half an hour and I didn't want to drive to the one farther away. The border gaurd was a douche bag and didn't believe me that I was in labor. Our convo went like this:

"Mamn, where are you going this late at night?"

"I'm going to the hospital!"

*Sly Smile* *Silence*

"Time to have the baby."

"Why are you all by yourself?"

"Because my husband can't come with me."
(this border guard has seen me before, he knows my deal)

*Sly Smile* "Friends, Family? Noooobody is going with you?"

"No, my Mom isn't here yet and there IS nobody else and it's TIME so I'm going by myself. I'll be fine, that's what doctors are for."

*Shake of the head* *looks around* *Shitty smile*

"What's the baby's name?"

"Nikoli" "OMG! We don't have a middle name!" "We didn't get around to it!" "What's your name?"
(lol, crazy horomones talking again)

*bewildered look*

"What's the babies name?"

"No, what's YOUR name? I need a middle name!"

"Er" *stares at me*

*I stare back* "Name??"

"Manuel"

(I think, ew, don't like it)

"So... you're going all by yourself...."

*stare*
*stare*
*blink*

"Where have I seen you before?"

*duh-asshole look*

"Here?"

"Ah yeah, with that other woman."

"Amanda"

"Oh yeeaahhh, Amaannndaa."

"Yes her, and yes I know, she had to go to secondary, but she always goes to secondary to be searched but that's HER not me."

"Yeaahhhh. I remember you were really pissed off."

*bewildered look*

"What??"

"Well....I hope I wasn't rude."

(I was thinking to myself that he was SUCH an idiot. It wasn't me who was pissed off, it was my friend for having to have her car searched for the 100th time but whatever, who was I to correct him.)

"Yeeeaahhhh. Last time you were pissed off and now this time you're in labor but you're happy." *Smile* "Hmmmmmmmm......"

*thinking to myself DEAR CRAPPING SHiiiIT!!*

"Well it's a BABY, it's a HAPPY THING!"

At this point I had a contraction and closed my eyes for a minute. He continued to stare at me and smile that STOOPID smile like he thought I was full of ten miles of horse shit and just stared at me.

"So it's time huh?"

*Shitty disbelieving smile*

"Yes! God.... do you want to look in the trunk??" (trunk of the car) I'd like to go to the hospital!

*Stares at me*
*blink*

"Yeah, go ahead and open it up."

He checked out the trunk of my car and came back shaking his head and half laughing and told me it was ok that I could go. He told me to drive really careful and good luck.

Thank You. Moron.

Anyhoo, I got to the hospital 15 mintues later, checked in, hooked up to all the machines and found that my contractions were 2-3 minutes apart! Whew! Buuuuuuttt I wasn't dialated enough so they decided I needed Pitocin to speed things up. I bargained for an Epidural before they hooked me up to the P-Hell-Drip and everybody was happy.

I can't count how many times I explained to how many nurses and staff that yes I would be alone for the birth, no, no family or friends just me but it didn't bother me as much as you'd think. There were some really great shows on the Discovery Channel and I had an epidural, there wasn't much to complain about.

I had a couple of bad moments when the nurse wouldn't come and I couldn't move from the stomach down and my nose was running and I couldn't get to a tissue to blow my nose and I was puking all over the place because the epidural drug had run out and nobody had come to replace it and DAMN if you get cut off from that stuff too quick things get ugly fast. So I bawled and wanted my Mommy to be there so I wouldn't have to blow my nose on the sheet and puke on the floor. But whatever, the nurse finaly came and gave me tissue and a puke-bucket, plus more epi-drug and even an anti-nausea drug so... all was well.

Back to the Discovery Channel till almost 9a.m. the baby was ready to come. (Thank you Discovery Channel for not playing infomercials, cuz that would have sucked) One doctor 3 nurses and two pushes later and I was no longer alone! Nikoli Christian came into the world.

I wanted to name the baby Christian but my husband said it was "Gay" (*sigh* (caveman)) buuuuut I figured since we didn't have a middle name and I DID have to have the baby all by myself that he couldn't be mad at me for using it for his middle name. So there. (Nah nah nah boo boo!)

I spent the next two days in the hospital waiting for my Moms bus to get to Texas so she could come and break us out of the hospital. They flat out refused to let me leave by myself. I had planned on staying till my Moms bus came, picking her up and just driving home but they wouldn't have it. Boo, but whatever.

I had a really nice time having Nikoli all to myself those first couple of days. He stayed with me 24/7 and even slept in the bed with me. I was worried that the nurses would chastize me for sleeping with him but they didn't seem to care and one even encouraged it. Cool ladies!

One of my friends here in Mexico noticed that I wasn't responding on F.B. thus telling her that I was either dead or in the hospital. She called the hospital to inquire if I was there and they put her strait through. I was so happy to talk to someone! Soon after my husband was able to call and I wasn't feeling lonely at all.

Another Mexpat teacher came to visit me on my last day and ended up being the one to break me out of the hospital. The jail-break was going quite well until she was pretending to drive "her" (my) car around to pick me up and ended up setting off the alarm. She couldn't figure out how to shut off the alarm and the nurse-aide-man didn't want me to leave the hospital by foot but I told him it would be ok, we'd keep it a secret, just to wait a sec. I ran outside, helped her with the alarm and scooted back inside and sat back in the chair so he could THEN wheel me back outside. He was a cool dude. A drive around the parking lot and I was free to take the wheel and my friend could get back to her own vehicle.

We went to her house and it was time to pick my Mom up from the bus station. A quick trip to the bus station and I had my baby, my Mama and we all went back home to the other side of the border where my husband was awaiting his little boy's arrival.

And here we are. My Mom is back in Michigan and all of a sudden I belong to a family of four. I'm lucky to have great friends here in Mexico and lucky to have a healthy family with happy babies. I don't have to return to teaching till the next school year starts and I'm thrilled to have the next couple of months to stay at home and soak up our new baby boy. :)

(P.S. No hate mail for bashing the border guard who was just doing his job. He WAS just doing his job, but he could have done it a little less douche-y. And yes I KNOW that hospitals have rules in place to protect people, but sometimes people have OTHER ways off needing to go about their business. Leave it be)

2011-04-18T11:14:00.006-05:00

**********Sorry but a-hole Blogger won't let me use space to create PARAGRAPHS so, sorry about the reeeaaalllyyy annoying format!**************** Vacation!!...................................................................................... Kind of? With two weeks left until the new baby is born (I hope!) I'm finaly done with teaching at the school for the year. It couldn't have come at a better time as my feet decided last week to impersonate balloons during the day. Kankles are a hard look to accesorize yall.................................................................. I say "kind of" to the word vacation because I've got a certain year and 4 month old baby girl at home to contend with. At least with the 400 or so kids at school I taught I could yell "BE QUIIIEEEETT!!" and they'd sort of acknowledge my presence. But Daisy? Naturally, not so much. ..........................................................................................................................She finally learned how to walk a couple of weeks ago, and it only took her 15.5 months to get it! My little trail blazer...... I wasn't too woried about her lack of walking though because she HAD learned to blow a whistle, impersonate the street sellers calls "PaaaAAAAANNNNN!!!" and even spit on comand........................................... Who needs a baby that can walk if she can spit?............................................................ She picked up the spitting thing one day over at her uncles house. He's always spitting, not chew, just his thing, and I'll be damned if she didn't come home doing the same. ............................................................................She speaks quite a bit now although it's all in Spanish. It kind of freaks me out but I imagine she'll catch up eventually. And at least her favorite word "No." "No no nooooo NO NNOOOO" is international. It kinda counts as English!? .......................................................Anyhoo. I'm thrilled to say that I've found side work tutoring students in my home. AT HOME!!! It's not enough to quit a regular job but it's extra and it's easy and I really enjoy it. Tutoring one or two students at a time is so SIMPLE compared to 20+ kids at once! They LISTEN and don't run around and scream or hit anybody............................................................... I can see improvement and progress so quickly right before my eyes and develop a relationship. I love it! ..................................................................It was tricky getting started and finding people that would actually SHOW UP, but this is Mexico and it's just the way of the land. I'm used to it now and it didn't phase me a bit when the first 4 clients would swear up and down to the time and date and never show. It's no biggie as long as you don't count your chickens before they hatch!............................................................................ If there are any Mexpats curious about rates - here you go! I don't know about other places but here in Reynosa a foreign teacher can charge around 150 pesos per hour for a single student. That's if they come to YOUR home, if you go to their home you can charge 200 pesos. If you get more than one kid from the same family in the same hour (gravy!) it's normal to charge a little less per student, say 100 pesos each. It took me a week of going around and begging other tutoring teachers to let me in on what rates are but for YOU my Mexpat friends, not neccesary. ;)............................................................................... Next school year I'm going to offer Violin lessons at the school as well. For such a big, important, supposed to be the best private school around, our school has NO music program! Nothing!! There's one guy that comes after school and offers guitar lessons but I'm thinking some of the parents would like another option, maybe something a bit more refined. And here I AM!! Thank You MOM and DAD for all those years of Violin, I can finaly USE IT!! .................................................................I feel really ...... AWESOME actually putting skills that I posses to work for me here in Mexico. I felt so useless for the first couple of years here, not being able to speak Spanish and find good work in Texas. It was a huge blow to my self esteem to have to work the min. wage craaaaaappp jobs over in Texas just to stay alive. Now though I'm doing better making a living right HERE in Mexico!............................................................................... Look to yourselves fellow Mexpats and see what YOU have to offer! (lol, excuse me while I take a sip of water at the podium) Anyhoo, I've had tons to say lately but well you know, no Internet for a month and then no time - booooo. But I'm still here and I'm doing better than ever. Who woulda thunk it!? Tell me what some of YOU do down here in Mexico to keep yourselves afloat, I'd love to hear what others are offering!

Culinary Part Two

2011-02-08T16:17:00.000-06:00

This to your right is what happens after one has become a mommy and can't find the lid to her vanilla bottle.

Just wanted to share how I roll...maybe get it off my chest.

It really DOES have a nice seal though.

THIS to the right is what happens when one loans out a cake pan, doesn't get it back and has their husband volunteer them to bake a birthday cake. He volunteered me in Spanish -one foot away- and I didn't even know they were talking about me.

Where's that damn Spanish book again??

Back home I'd think nothing of baking something and giving it to the recipient in the pan it was made in. I know it would come back to me within a week, but here in Mexico things get a little... tricky. They don't steal mind you, but unless you ASK for it, sometimes multiple times, they're not going to bother to give it

back to you.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm breaking some sort of culture-rule

by asking for my stuff back (???) but pans are expensive!

I guess I really should start buying those one-time use pans, maybe keep a stock of them in the house. That'll do.

This is the Sonnnggg that Ne-ver Eennds ...

2011-02-08T04:37:00.001-06:00

Do you know that feeling you get when you hear a new song

and realize you've just GOT to have it? You get it and listen

to it a second, thrid, and 25th time and feel something akin

to spiritual about it? You've got to love that feeling!

Do you know though, the weirdness of it when 200 times later

or two weeks or months when one day you pop in the song, it starts

to play and all of a sudden it's two-dementional? All of

a sudden and who knows why the spiritualness or shine

and luster are gone and it's just a nice song.

That happend to me this morning and within seconds it popped

into my mind that other things in life are like that. A favorite

game, book, club, show ect. I was immediately thankful that

my husband hasn't worn out HIS song yet! (Or started to grate like

the LONG version of "American Pie" cuz damn, that's the day our

marrige would die!) What a goofy thought I guess, but from there

it led to Mexico and the experience of living here itself.

And you know? Even though we've been beat into the ground

financially over and over, ground in and spat upon,

and life is scary here sometimes and I'm so far away from

loved ones - I'm still living in 3D.

(p.s. no I am not smoking weed)

I've always thrived when it comes to challenges and maybe

God knew what he was doing sending me here! Life is ONE HUGE

challenge every day here! It's taken me YEARS just to

make something so basic and neccesary as friends. Learning

Spanish is a continuing challenge (verbs can go to hell!)

Just try learning a new culture and how to navigate through the day

without being an unasuming asshole! I've learned (ok, am learning)

to cook an entirely new cuzine, how to dress, act...

you get the point.

Add to this whole mix having my first two babies in the span

of two years and this whole thing is insane. But I still

play the song that is life here everyday and everyday I'm

surprised to say I still love it. So often it's bittersweet

but hell, that's just a part of it.

One little song played this morning, it's newness worn off and here

I am thankful as ever for my life! How cool is that?

A Culinary Moment

2011-02-05T15:54:00.011-06:00

The neighbor just brought over this bowl of food. We exchange platters of food here and there but I wonder if she was as baffled by the plate of brownies as I am by ....this.

Chino said it's dehydrated shrimp, re-hydrated in some sort of chile sauce.

The egg. The egg is kind of scary...I have a feeling it may very well be pickled. Call me a pansy but I've never tried a pickled egg.

When I went home to Michigan for Christmas I actually opened my parents fridge and in the back there was a jar of pickled eggs. Honest to god I saw it, shut the door and stood there thinking "Dear lord are my parents THAT hillbilly???" "Do I have to start calling my Dad 'Boss Hog' "?

I looked at my Mom and said "OH MY GAWD are those PICKLED EGGS in your fridge!??" Just in case she didn't know they were in there -pickled stow-aways or something - I opened the fridge and pointed at them. She looked kinda sheepish and told me that not only were they bonafide but they were home made! EEEEK!! My Dad swore up and down that they were fabulous. Maybe I was freaking out because I was home and was feeling like a kid again, or it was prego horomones. It's not like they were pickled pigs feet or something like that. Or maybe I was just being an asshole...pickled things that aren't pickles apparently bring out the anti-pickling-racist in me.

Back to the neighbors dish (side-track much??) Wonder if this is some sort of holiday dish? Saturday tradition? Freak-out-the-gringa attempt? IS SHE A BRUJA???

Do I have to try it? ...... I guess so, maybe it'll make up karma wise for laughing at my Ma and Dad.

Here goes - *tasting*

Oooo! What ever salsa that is is pretty nice! I'd like to know the chiles she used. ...... The shrimp are REALLLYY shrimpy (eeesh) and ........ suuuper chewy. ..... The egg? ......... LOL I'm not that dedicated a blogger yall, I'll save that for my husband. Sorry. But damn. Over all...... well let's just say she's an awful nice lady for sharing and leave it at that.

*gag*

*****update******

My husband came home and ate the whole bowl. The egg it turns out was NOT pickled! Just....a boiled egg floating in sauce with shrimp. . . . I asked if this is some sort of holiday thing or weekend thing and he said "No, dey're jus trying to eet." Whatever, I'm going with it being some sort of special thing....why ELSE would you put a boiled egg in it??? Or maybe I'm just egg-racist after all.

43 and Below!

2011-02-03T18:05:00.008-06:00

I googled Celsius to Fahrenheit today and it's at around 43 degrees Fahrenheit that the schools here in Mexico are shut down for the cold.

I know that'll make my Northern friends and family poo their pants but remember we have no heaters here!

Today at school there was only one out of around 600 kids there. I'm having a grand time making lesson plans without interruption, hanging out and talking to teachers, reading and what not. Some of the other teachers are miserable and just want to go home but I'm happy as a clam!

This afternoon we actually had ice and icicles on the trees and the faculty were wandering outside to stare at it and have their picture taken next to it. I thought it was adorable and I appreciate the childlike giddiness they have about it. The ice IS pretty and I imagine if I'd never seen it before I'd be pretty darn amazed as well

Here in the Casa we're happily holed up and have our space heaters running full blast to take off the chill. When it seems too cold I just bake up something yummy and the oven helps heat up the house to a more comfy level. Not much to complain about there!

The pics are from my trip back home to Michigan around New Year. Daisy was happy as a clam being spoiled ALL to hell by my Mom. The blue sled is what we used to take her out one nice day when it wasn't too cold. She loved being pulled around so much that my Mom washed it up and brought it in the house to pull her around on.

My Mom sat it on a dog bed and swooshed the baby back and forth the house for seriously like an HOUR at a time. It got to the point where she would throw a baby fit if my Mom would stop before she was finished and the above pic is where she stayed in so long that she fell asleep. I just about peed my pants taking that picture.

I loved being home for the first time with the baby. It was crazy nice to be there, to have my parents meet my baby and for her to fall in love with them. Having her spoiled rotten to the core was of course a plus for her. ;)

She played peek-a-boo for the first time at my parents and started standing up solo there for the first time. It was funny though, when we came home it was WEEKS before she would do any of that again. ??? My Mom taught her her 3rd word while we were there so that was pretty special. :) I look forward to working at the school in the future because it'll guarantee real vacation time like I wouldn't find in any other job. I won't go another 2 years without going home!! HOORAAYY for teaching!!

Don't like it? PISS OFF

2011-01-26T17:20:00.000-06:00

I was going to write more about the points but folks were getting confused. ;). The gist of the end of the story was that they didn't mess with the point worker. He wasn't stealing anything and there was no way my husband or neighbor would go and tell the soldiers where he was hiding. If they ratted him out and he survived he knew where we lived and would surely let his bosses know who had blew the wistle. My husband might be a little stick happy but not CRAZY.

It didn't surprise me much ( from the comments i've received) that people from tourist areas seemed less aware about what goes on in other parts of Mexico. I'm happy to know that there are more tranquil places.

I am however, PISSED that I received a comment from a couple of anonymous assholes berating and insulting me for the post that I wrote. One was from the border area (in texas!) and another from a tourist spot but the gist from both was that I'm a liar and a horrible person for further tarnishing Mexicos image.

REALLY F****RS?? I'm pretty sure it's not ME to blame for Mexico's image right now. This is MY daily lifeline Mexico. I live on the border and it's worse here than southern Mexico but this is MY BLOG and MY EXPERIENCE. Anybody who doesn't like the truth of what goes on here can PISS OFF.

The Cartels RUN Mexico. Every single facet to be found is touched by the cartels. It's not just drugs, they run the government (well duh) on down to the smallest of organizations. You want to open up a little corner shop to sell Cokes and chips? You better get permission. Want to sell Elotes or Pan from a bicycle? You better check in with the neighborhood "leader" and make sure it's ok. The FLEA MARKETS that my husband works in are controlled by the invisible hand.

Of course if you live in a beautiful resort town you're not going to see this kind of thing - you're insulated thanks be. Would you think they want their presence known where so much money can be made?

I could go for page after page and not just because I'm mad. It's LIFE here, not just the border, and if you don't know anything about it then consider yourself blessedly ignorant - but leave me the shit alone.

Mexican Drug Culture

2011-01-23T19:46:00.002-06:00

My husband oh-by-the-way-ha-ha told me in the doctors office this morning that yesterday he and the neighbor boy went after a possible robber next door. The neighbor had a bat and my husband wielded - a stick.

I'm all for neighborhood watch and protecting each other but nobody LIVES next door to us and the robbings that have taken place over there as of late were the type where they're stripping the house of copper wire and other metal scrap. Forgive me but it's not worth my husband risking his life (and the neighbor boy is only 16!) and what if the guy had had a GUN!??

A STICK husband?? A STICK?? *sigh* God love 'im.

I asked him why they didn't just call the police and he looked at me like I was retarded. Lol, it was kind of a stupid question. I also asked him just what the hell they were going to DO upon confronting the robber and he replied "We were going to beat him."

Well that's nice. Apparently, under the right super testosterone fueled circumstances my wee sweet and adorable husband can morph into Mr. Violence. Who knew.

Anyways, moving on. He then told me (Wait no, wait just ONE minute, that little punk, he's damn lucky he told me about this in such a public place! I do wonder if he was smartly saving it for just an occasion out side of the house? OMG!)Okay...so he said that they found the guy and were about to beat him up when they guy yelled "Wait no! No, it's just me, I work at the point!" And the weapons were stayed.

They guy was just a point worker from around the corner and had got word from someone on his walkie talkie that the soldiers were headed to his location.

Point? Point worker?

Here in Reynosa drug vending locations are called a "point." They are everywhere. In every neighborhood you'll find them, maybe in an abandoned house or in the back of a pick up truck that always seems to just BE there with a guy sitting in it. One place that had me baffled for months is just a pallet on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere where guys just always seemed to be hanging out at. LOL for the longest time I thought it was a makeshift bus stop.

I know I seem pretty non-plussed by this subject and the truth is I'm just so used to it, it's SO common place and normal here that there's just nothing to get excited about.

Point workers work 24 hour shifts and always have a walkie talkie tuned in to hear from whoever if the soldiers might be on their way to kick some ass. The soldiers drive around on raids and go to known points, beat the CRAAAPPP out of the workers, maybe set the place on fire and go on about their business. A few hours later and a new worker will be in the other's place and life goes on until the next raid.

A couple of weeks ago the soldiers came to raid our point and the workers friend had stopped by to chat with him for a bit. The friend that works in a factory, just your average joe, was beat so bad he spent quite a bit of time in the hospital. It's a weird feeling, feeling sorry for the friend of the drug seller but feeling happy that the soldiers are out trying to do something.

Back to the non-robber. When he told my husband and neighbor that he was hiding from the soldiers they understood and left him be. The truth about point workers ...............Eeeek, ok, the baby calls - to be continued tonight!!

NOTES TO SELF

2011-01-18T07:02:00.007-06:00

Dear self, in the future please refrain from buying .99 cent dish soap. Cuz damn.

Dear self, in the future don't even THINK about buying .99 cent Walmart special underpants. You didn't shop at Walmart for MONTHS and THAT is what you decided to buy on a necessity trip back? THE CROTCHES AREN'T EVEN IN TE RIGHT PLACE.

Dear Idiot, you bought your baby water-packed-never-frozen blueberries. Good for you and all that jazz but how about not feeding them to her before needing to go out in public. BLUEBERRIES STAIN. It's a smidge hard to smile away the glares after people notice the bruised looking (entire) face of your baby. Eesh.

So, Dear Self, how's about we lay off the shopping for a bit......maybe take a nap and give some flailing brain cells the chance to heal.

Really, it's either that or go out one day with a bruised looking baby, get CPS called on you, have them come to the house and see your scummy dishes, have them strip search you looking for drugs, see that even you UNDERPANTS are weird - and take you away to the funny farm.

Take. A. Nap.

Piñata Porn

2011-01-16T21:53:00.003-06:00

On my way home from work a few weeks ago I sat at a red light and looked to the right to one of the bright
cheerful piñata shops. I was smiling at the gigantic Woody character riding his toy story horse, no less than 4 feet tall, when my eyes focused on a full sized man piñata hanging behind it.

At first all I could take in was the fact that he was wearing nothing but a red mâché speedo and red cowboy vest. He was huge, smiling and giant chested and I thought for a half second that he might be some sort of half Nekkid Mexican super hero. My half second of bewilderment was over when my brain finally focused in on his speedo area. Under the red speedo they had formed a GIGANTIC cock and balls.

Holy batballs batman.

HUGE you guys, HUGE. (no wonder they painted such a big smile on his face) Before I could process anything I noticed that behind him was hanging another full sized work of art, a woman. She was anatomically correct (for a porn star) and nekkid except for a real life - not mâché - black,h dirty girl teddy. It had cut out boobs and hooha areas so you wouldn't miss out on her expertly painted on lady parts. Whoever made this piñata was NOT a virgin.

The light turned red and my seconds in piñata porn land were over. I drove off trying my darndest to figure out what I'd just witnessed and trying to come to terms with the fact that they were hanging next to a Thomas The Train (wouldn't George Carlin have loved it?) and a giant birthday #1.

Naturally I loved the concept but it took me a while to get over the shock and realize that they could have been made for bachelor parties. (??). I guess? I can see drunk women beatinJg away at a goofy super hero and his ....silly oversized parts, but the woman was so realistic I have a hard time visualizing men bashing away at her.

Maybe it was made for a divorce party and she represented a mistress?? Or maybe it was a birthday gift? I'm not savvy enough on Mexican culture to know fo sho.

Lol, this is the first time I've felt naive in about 10 (okay 12) years.

Ever heard of such a thing?

AH HAAA Moment

2011-01-13T19:33:00.001-06:00

AH HAAAAA MOMENT

When I first heard from other teachers here in Mexico that schools are shut down when the temperature dies below 6 celsius, I thought it was just plain silly. Back home it could be -20 F. and nobody would bat an eyelash. Wear a coat dummy.

I forgot all about it till this first winter rolled around and teachers started getting excited. And then, yesterday happened. The temp dropped to 4 Celsius and when I showed up to my first class of the day - there were 4 kids! (public schools actually shut down but here in lame-0 private school the parents get a choice- lol, boooo)

My next class had all of ONE student but by that point I was no longer surprised. My ah ha moment came the first hour when I realized that although our classrooms have gigantic air conditioners, there are NO heating units. No central heat, not even a shabby space heater.

OHHHH well now I get it. DUH.

Houses don't have heat here in Mexico, not even the NICE houses I've been to, so I don't know how I would assume that a gigantic school would....but there you go.

Silly Gringa.

It's gal frigging cold and my idea that the parents were being pansy asses and coddling their kids flew right out the window. Pansy MY ass, shhhiiiiittt we freeze! Our school won't shut down though, the parents pay more than enough for us to be turned into a popsicle daycare if they wish it.

Mexican Shopping Customs

2010-12-08T19:51:00.001-06:00

I was surprised when I first moved here to the Mexican side of the border by the different rules that they have when it comes to shopping. I was even MORE surprised that the rules have bled over onto the Texas side.

When shopping back home in Michigan one can wander among the shopps in a mall or shopping plaza with as many bags of previous purchases as they might like. It's not something anybody ever thinks about. Here however you're not allowed to enter a store with anything other than your purse. If you have a bag from another shop you've got to stop at a desk at the door, give them your things and take a voucher to be able to get them back.

Shopping in a street strip of stores, the mall and even the grocery store you've got to hand it all in. Baby bag? So sorry, baby STROLLER?? In Mexico they'll make you empty it of everything but baby and put a tag on it but in TEXAS?? Check it at the door and say goodbye! Better hope you didn't raise a fat baby.

Anyhoo, I've ended up walking out of stores a couple of times and not getting my stuff back - I'm forgetful like that. Is it like that in other places around the states? I've been to 46 of the U.S. States but can't say I've ever seen it before......maybe in the bigger cities?? Or is it just here?

iPad!!!!!!!!

2010-12-07T20:40:00.000-06:00

Our Mexican Internet took a turn for the worse the past few weeks and I spent a sick amount of time stalking it for even the barest connection so I could get my Facebook fix. Luckily though we lit some candles, called in a bruja, cracked some eggs and rolled a few coconuts and our service was restored last night. I don't know about the rest of world but here in Mexico you've got a safer bet calling on witch craft than to go to the cable provider.

Anyhoo, between that and the fact that I've been sick with cold after flu after cold after flu (screw you pregnancy and you're stupid lowering of the immune system) while trying to take care of the baby and make it to work, be a wonderful teacher and come home and take care of EVERYTHING because my husband has taken a second job and is nnneeeeevverrr home anymore - and be 5 months pregnant - I've been too busy to blog.

I hate that. The why-I'm-being-a-shitty-blogger speech, but there you have it. I can't tell you how many times i've thought about doing the "I quit because life is too much, it's not you it's me" post, but in the end I'd rather be kicked in the face. I LOVE BLOGGING!!!! It's been so damn good to me, I can't give up.

Grrrrrr world, grrrrrr!!

Anyways. I took my once weekly trip to texas a couple of days ago and stopped off at my p.o. Box because my Mom said she'd sent me a care package for my birthday. She mentioned that she'd been going through the old Christmas ornaments and started in on a crying jag because I'm so far away and felt that she just had to send me something. My Ma is pretty honest when it comes to her greif about me being gone and as hard as it is I think it's better that way.
I felt warm inside because I figured she had sent me a couple of our old ornaments for my birthday and I'd be quite glad to have them. She said that she sent along a little something for everyone and I was excited to see what she'd sent for the baby.

So, when I got back to my car with the package I'd picked up and immediately ripped into it like a 6 year old, you can imagine my confusion when I saw that the box was small-ish but quite heavy. I thought "Huh, did she send me a bible??"
My Mom loves to put things in Boxes that have nothing to do with their contents so when I pulled off the wrapper and saw a box that said "iPad I thought to myself "Where did she come across an iPad box?"

When I pulled the lid off and saw a REAL iPad sitting there my little brain shut down. When it sputtered to life it went something like this -"BLANK...............That's an iPad Electronic.....What?.......Shit, did The post office give me the wrong box?......No, can't be because it was wrapped and that was Dad's handwriting that said Happy Birthday....did they send me the wrong gift? ...No stupid why would they have an iPad laying around........they really sent me an iPad......????.....why would they do that?? God aren't these expensive as hell?? DEAR GOD IT'S AN iPad!! They know what an iPad IS?? Oh God, I don't even know what it is ......I just know it's really cool....what am I going to do? What will I say?? OH MY GOD it's an iPad!!"

After I came to terms with it enough to be able to drive again I took off for the rest of my errands with it on the front seat of my car and glanced at it about every 16 seconds or so and said out loud "That's an iPad!". I must have said it allowed about 30 times or so. The window on my car doesn't roll up all of the way and I was afraid someone would take it or finally steal my car so I ended up taking it into all of the stores I had to go to. Including.....the grocery.

Whew. Looong story short I'm now - because of the iPad -able to type ANYWHERE! It's taken me two days but I've written this at the kitchen table, the couch, in bed and now at work. See? I've got the will, I just didn't have the way! And now I do. Please thank my Ma and Dad! EEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

Day of the Dead, Dia de los Muertos

2010-10-28T09:14:00.010-05:00

Halloween time is just about upon us and once again I'm filled with the urge to eat candy, stab pumkins and dress up like a ho-skank. I LOVE HALLOWEEN!! This is my third Halloween in Mexico and I'm always pleasantly surprised by the decorating that goes on here along with the costumes and rediculous amounts of candy in the stores.

Even more enticing is the presence of the Mexican Tradition of the Day of the Dead on November 1st. I've tried in years past to observe as much as possible about this new-to-me holiday but besides dragging my husband to the cemetary to see the festivities and spying in a neighbors window at their alter I've come up rather short.

This year is different though and I'm psyched!!

This year I'm a teacher in a Mexican school and they try hard to make the main focus of this time of year on their Mexican holiday. They know the kids will celebrate Halloween but they're trying damn hard to push their traditional holiday down their throats. All over the school the walls are decorated with skulls and skeletons and tommorow the school will have it's own huge alter for the kids to view.

The faculty asked us teachers to talk about The Day of the Dead as much as possible and I took it as a great opportunity to find out the REAL DEAL about the holiday from real Mexicans. In each class I pulled my Gringa-card and told the kids that I don't know anyting about the holiday and asked if they would please fill me in. What a trip!

Almost ALL of the kids and their parents celebrate the holiday by building an alter and leaving out (usually for their dead grandparents) the favorite foods of their dead relatives. One kid said that when they go to his Grama's grave they leave a big bottle of Coke and at their Grampas grave leave a 6-pack of Tecate! (beer) LMAO - I love it!

I've always been curious about what the family does with the food that they leave for the spirits to ¨eat¨ when they come for their visit - the day after in the morning. I broached the subject as carefuly as possible wondering if it's like Santa's cookies or Easter bunny carrots but aparently in Mexico parents don't pretend to eat it. The kids themselves lol said that they are usually the ones to eat everything the next day! One mystery solved.

I asked the kids if they feel that the holiday conflicts with their religion (Catholics and Christians) but they all overwhelmingly said NO! They said this day is a tradition in their culture and that it makes no offense to religion. That surprised the hell out of me considering the alter building and believing that sprits will be coming back to walk the earth - but whatever - Mexicans are cool like that.

It's such a beautiful holiday with all of the fun treats, flowers, candles and remembering and talking of loved ones passed. I myself this year will for the first time be building a teeny alter in honor of my Grandmother. Candles, skulls, her shawl, her giant owl lamp, some flowers and her favorites Sprite and Wheat Thins will be laid out for her to munch on. I'm excited to take pictures and send them to my Mom.

Anyhoo, we'll be dressing my lil piggy up as a fat lil bumblebee and carting her around to the family on Halloween to show off - like any first time parents. Come Nov. 1 though we'll be celebrating our newest holiday and I'm truly excited! :)

Hope for the Hardy

2010-10-26T13:25:00.007-05:00

*********** I don't post about this kind of thing as often as I'd like or could because I don't want to scare people off with gloom and doom and boo-hoo. Lately though it's been brought to my attention that there are people out there who really would like to hear it or even need to hear it. So, here we go a little more. ***********

If you've been reading here for a while you might remember about six months ago when I posted about my husbands brother and another brothers son both being kidnapped by the cartel. I don't wish to re-write everything but the gist of it was that they were kidnapped as punishment to another family member who was doing some stuff on the wrong side of the tracks. THEY were innocent, the other guy wasn't.

Chino and I never really talk about it but it came up the other day and he shed some light on the situation for me. We were talking about how I'd gone to visit that part of the family and I noticed that they have an alter set up for the younger cousin. They have pictures of him and a bunch of Saint candles burning for him 24 hours a day, always.

I told Chino that I thought it was sad for them that they're still hoping and praying for them to come back when obviously they are dead. Chino informed me though that's there's a decent chance that they weren't killed though. I didn't understand how that could be, I mean, why would the bad guys keep them for over 6 months and not leave any more threats??

He informed me that instead of killing them they probably put them to work. It would have been easy to ship them back to Mexico (they were kidnapped in Texas) somewhere down south and put them to work in a manufacturing ¨plant¨ or put them to work guarding, shipping or doing any other of the cartels gajillion tasks that need hands to be done.

I was floored. Truly, I didn't know that sort of thing happened but Chino said that often people are released back to their families years and years later when they're supposed debt is paid off.

The brother in law of Chino that got brought all of the trouble upon the family was accused by the cartel of stealing from them (they thought he'd have a heart and give the stuff back if they stole his family-not so much) and it just might be that they are now working off his debt.

It´s sad that they have no way of knowing but it gives us some hope as well you know? They COULD show up one day and I guess we'll keep the home fires and the Saint candles a burnin' for them.

Shooting The Attitudes

2010-10-24T14:30:00.002-05:00

The violence here in Reynosa has grown steadily over the past two years with a few huge peaks here and there but growing none the less. You'd think it would freak me out but if there's one thing I've noticed over this time period it's the resilience of a people under fire.

Today my 5th graders were supposed to have a field trip to Peter Piper Pizza but an hour before they were to go there was a shooting across the street. Grenades, huge machine guns, turret guns - the usual stuff - and the field trip was called off.

The teacher told the kids that there was an "occurrence" near the Peter Piper and that it wasn't a good idea to go at that moment. At the school we're not allowed to say "shooting" or "bombing" or "AK-47" ect. or even really acknowledge the violence but luckily the kids help us out. A couple of the boys shouted out "Narks! Narks teacher??" They live here too, they're not stupid.

The kids came up with solutions to the problem "Teacher, what if we just go by my house and get our guards to come with us?" (lol rich kids are funny sometimes) and suggested going to a different Pizza place. All plans were off though, once there's one shooting it's assumed there will be more so the teacher tried her best to make them feel better by saying that all Peter Pipers were closed.

I knew damn well though that not all, or even the Peter Piper across the street would be closed. For even the biggest of shootings here life goes on like nothing happened 20 minutes after it's over. There might be a lingering traffic jam due to the original back up but as far as the rest of things it's life as usual. Schools don't close and nobody goes home early. Shops and restaurants stay open, the buses run and people go for groceries like nothings happed.

There's one plaza with a huge grocery, Mcdonald's and a slew of other eateries and strip-mall type shops that for some reason get's hit alllll the time. Every couple of weeks there's a shootout there or in the street by there or down the road from there but it doesn't stop anybody from going. We need french fries damn it.

There are some in Chino's family who talk about being too afraid to go places but they're out and about as much as anybody else. They just talk about it more. Some of my friends here truly are scared to go out much and there are others that merely refuse to go very far or out after dark, but the majority of us go on about our lives like nothings going on.

If you see a road block and bad guys shooting or a caravan of SUV's you just turn around and go a different way. When there's a big shooting near by you go outside and listen to it or if it's too close you get your ass inside and go upstairs for a bit. After that it's life as usual.

Chino and I drive all over hell going to the zoo, visiting family, going to work and just exploring and finding new things to do. We, like the majority of the half million people here go about our lives and don't THINK about the possibility of getting kidnapped or shot or blown up. What kind of life would that be? Prudence is necessary but we can't lock ourselves up in the house and bite our nails wasting away.

For most people this is where they have to live, no choice about it, and it seems when that's you're lot in life you damn well make the best of it - bombs or no.

I'm not scared.

I've been scared, I've been damn scared, but some part of the brain figures out a way to erase that and I'm pretty thankful. If I think back to yucky times I can re-live them if I want to but 20 minutes later I'm on Facebook and eating cheese doodles wondering just how I'm ever going to get South to Mexico City to meet my friend Mr. Prater.

Eat some taco's, drink a beer for me and live it up yall, never mind the rest!

Mommy Rut BE GONE!

2010-10-21T14:55:00.006-05:00

I need to get out of the Mommy Rut. My appearence has made a turn for the better as of late but I had to be dragged kicking and screaming to do so. The school actually came to me and told me to buy some nicer shoes and iron my shirts. (WOW embarrasing) One teacher came to me and asked if she could help me do my makeup (in a nice way, she's pretty cool) and I realized that I had fallen pretty deep into the Mommy dead zone.

I was pretty pissy at the school because Mexicans are SUPER dressy-uppy and I thought I was doing FINE, just not lil-miss I-spend-2-hours-on-hair-and-tight-clothes-and-5-inch-heels. But when a sweet lil churchy lady comes and askes if you need help learning to put on eye shadow it's a bit of a wakeup call.

I'm back on the banwagon in that respect once more and truly feel better for it but I'm still feeling boring and rutty and like all I have to talk about is my baby and my students and being pregnant. There's more out there, I KNOW it.

Motherhood is wonderful and blah blah *angels sing* and what not, but I'll be damned if anybody can TRULY warn you or make you understand before having your first baby the true all encompasing nature of this beast.

If you're like I was before I had Daisy you're thinking ¨Whatever Gringa, I saw my Mom or my friend go through it and I've read the books and I HAVE a brain to know that it will be ¨life changing. Everyone says it's life changing.¨ The truth is you reeeaaalllly don't know. There's no way for ones brain to wrap around it until it happens and then when it DOES happen you're too worn out to figure out a way to explain it so you just look at people, shake your head and tell them ¨It's life changing.¨

GAAHHHHH!! I don't WANT to be all complainy and lame and boorrring! I want to be funny and have THINGS to talk about. LOL *POUT*

Did this happen to you other Moms? Did you lose yourself at first? Did you find yourself again after a while?

I guess I'm not all gone....I still drool over sexy singers and slap my husbands fanny after a shower. I eat too much junk food and spaghettio's. I've found time to read again and I AM blogging again....that's something. Maybe this is the road back???

WHO KNOWS???

I'll have a bologna sandi and think bout it. Or not think. NO thinking, just bologna.

Peeg Facial and Colored Folk

2010-10-18T20:05:00.008-05:00

If you're wondering what my little peegy is up to and looking like these days - wonder no further. She's stated her independence in eating and has told me to screw-off with my Gerber and spoons - 10 month olds are badasses Mommy and I will pitch the spoon at chyo face.

With all of the avocado and bean facials I'm convinced she'll have great skin later on. Besides crawling, climbing the crapping STAIRS, sprouting teeth and showing the ability to give Daddy (NOT Mommy, noooothing for Mommy) kisses she's you know... fat..... and happy and an all around evil sweet punk ass that we are lovingly convinced is the Anti-Christ.

Teaching is getting better every week and I've learned to really draw out and enjoy the good moments. (Like swearing!) It's hilarious how many kids don't know that all of the words they watch on American T.V. aren't nice words to say and I have a great time explaining that it's not nice to call your friend a "fag" in class.

My 5th graders think that saying "black" to describe a Black person is incredibly racist and INSIST that the proper thing is to call them "Colored." (o...m...g...) I told my husband about it tonight and he explained that in Spanish T.V. Black people are referred to as "Gente De Color" (Persons of Color) and that's where the kids probably get thrown off. The kids about pissed their pants today when I made them say "Usher is Black" instead of "Usher is colored." It was great :)

Last week I had the kids bring in jokes to tell and then make up their OWN joke for the class. It was freakin' great. They came in with vagina jokes, jacking-it-off jokes, blond and drunk jokes. The just don't KNOW any better when it comes to English and I pick and choose what I end up explaining.

Some of it (like jacking off jokes) you just gotta let goooooo and not explain. Little punks DO know what drunk and boobies mean though as they showed me when they made up their own jokes. 5th graders are NOT shy. 4th and 6th yes, 5th no, I don't know what's up with that freaky age but they're my favorites!

Quien Sabe.

Two Years!

2010-10-17T08:06:00.003-05:00

I've now lived in Mexico for two years. I'd like to do a post about all the things I've learned about life here and things I've learned about life in general through this experience. Unfortunately though, that would require deep thought that at the moment I'm not capable of. It's not easy to do deep-thinking when you're pregnant and have a 10 month old crawling around the house all day trying to kill herself in 200 imaginative ways.

I guess the lesson learned there would be that something here in Mexico makes me a fertile Mertyle and that I should learn to take BIRTH CONTROL a bit more seriously.

I can say I've learned that it's common to use laundry detergent powder to wash not only clothes but dishes and surfaces as well. I've learned to drive like a controlled maniac and enjoy it. I've also learned that when driving though a mud puddle the length of a football field that it's wise to follow behind another person and let them risk falling in a pot hole the size of a CAR first.

I've learned how to cook with dried chile's and make some kick ass salsa, beans, rice, enchiladas, mole, and whatever else my husband (lol or myself) might be craving.

I've learned (dear lord *GASP*) to like the dryyyy *cahh CKAAHH* Mexican sweet breads that called Pan Dulce that are compeletly NOT sweet. The reason they're so not sweet is because Mexicans like them with their coffee and when they drink coffee there's somehow 2/3 more milk and 2/3 more sugar than coffee or water. Somehow 4/3's milk and sugar is possible in a cup of Mexican coffee.

I've learned that things like telephone, cable and Internet service will take up to a month to be installed in ones house here and that no amount of outraged American Bitching will make it go faster. GIVE IT UP GRINGA.

I've learned that around 1/4 of the population seems to work for the cartel and that it's not going away any time soon - if ever. I personally know five different families that are kept afloat by the Husbands working in it and it amazes me that they're all pretty damn good people. I've learned that it's so huge it encompasses every facet of life here from the big drug smuggling and politics stuff right down to the flea markets and even the teeeennyy wee seller of C.D.'s or clothes on the corner. You can't blink or fart a pea without it being known here and you learn to live with it - and forget about it - real quick.

I've learned that the poorest people are often the happiest and most satisfied - and cook the best food.

I've learned that eating at the scary no-water-to-wash anything food stands and carts is one of the best places to get food outside of the home and that you won't die from eating there. I've never become sick from the food here - only the water in Monterrey. I've learned people truly DO NOT drink the water here! :D

The more I write -even not in deep thought mode - the more I realize there is. I could go on for another 10 pages but you'd be bored to tears, leave and be afraid to come back here again so I'll quit while I'm ahead.

I should say that I've learned that home is where the heart is, but that's why I moved here. At least I knew ONE thing before I came. :)

NO THEY DI'INT!

2010-10-13T18:40:00.005-05:00

I've put up with a lot in Mexico. Flying cockroaches the size of a kiwi, hearing automatic weapons and grenades go off down the street every other day or so and the lack of ability to buy tampons and grapefruit juice ect. But NOW I'm mad.

WHY???

O-O-OREEEO.

Mexico's done gone and fucked with the Oreo cookie formula and I WANT A REFUND. They taste... DIFFERENT! CHEAP! (bwwaa, like the originals are expensive quality but whatever that for now) It's bad enough that the chocolate in this country is full of so much wax that you're ears plug up after eating it but they've screwed with OREO'S??

REALLY MEXICO???

Bastards.

I bought a pack a couple of days ago on a whim and thought I was in for a sure-bet treat - but nooo. Screwy MexiHO had to go and mess with the recipe. How is that even POSSIBLE? How can an Oreo here be different than an Oreo anywhere else??

IT'S AN OREO FOR SHIT SAKE.

Not rocket science people, not rocket science.

NO THEY DI

2010-10-13T18:40:00.001-05:00

Presidents Underpants

2010-10-03T17:47:00.006-05:00

******Please forgive the shitty color and font of this post - Lame ass blogger won't let me change it today!! Bastards.*********

I was laying awake last night and the question of who does the Presidents and his families laundry came into mind. Does the first lady do it? A staff? One special Presidential launderer? Naturally the next thought was that somebody out there washes the Presidents underpants. Do you think they're specially contracted to not talk about what he finds?

Then of course I started to wonder what KIND of underpants the President wears. He seems like a boxer man but might need a little support so maybe boxer briefs?? At that point I was imagining the President in some Hanes Boxer Briefs, having a dandy time when it all went to hell because I realized that ALL Presidents wore underpants and therefore George Bush in tighty whiteys popped into my head.

Damn.

*shudder*

Double Damn.

Anyhoo. It was nice to have a few moments of thought without thinking about children at school, children in my house or the child in my belly. Just how the hell I went from a kid-hater to a Mom and teacher I reeeaaalllyy don't know but I can say this - never say never! HOLY SHIT never say never!!

Teaching is going better, I've learned to yell and to give out stickers - both requirements of everyday teaching if you don't want to pull your hair out.

I had a 6th grader yell out "DAMN!!" in class the other day and look at me as proud as could be and say "Right teacher??? Right!? DAMN!!" He was using it in correct context and was exited about it. I had to pick my jaw up off the ground so I could ask "What did you say???" To which he replied "Damn, D, A, M, N. Damn right?"

LOL! He had noooooo idea that it was a bad word and all I could do was laugh and explain. Love it.

I had a 3rd grader call me a pendeja (NOT NICE word) but many many 1st and 2nd graders tell me they love me. The love kids win. Actually, the first time one came up and hugged me and said "Teacher I Love You" I was knocked back a bit. It was unexpected and I didn't know what the hell to say back! I just went with it and stammered out an "I love you too sweetie!" and went about the class. I'm not sure if that's what I'm supposed to say but it seems to be the best reply and I'm fine with it.

One thing - Note To Parents, stop sending me SHITTY APPLES! The little kids bring in apples for the teacher now and then and I think it's of course nice. BUT, I swear that half the time it looks as if the apples came from the trunk of a car in a junk yard! LOL one apple was so old that it had begun to shrivel - literally shrivel like a...mummy apple One I received last week looked as if it had been rolled around in white paint....it was just really weird. It's not as if it's the kids either, they're always packed neatly away in the kids lunch box wrapped in a nice napkin for the kids to pluck out and bring up to the teacher.

I'm a Mom and I get that we're tired and busy and don't have time for a lot of crap so I guess..... well shit... if you don't have the time to send me a poison free apple just don't send anything at all. I don't expect anything I swear!

Shit Yo!

Anyhoo. The baby is awake so I'll leave you with the picture of George Dubya in his skid marked tighty whitey's. I wonder if they write "I will not divulge info about the Presidents skid marks" in the waiver the laundry people have to sign?

Poor Blog :(

2010-09-02T21:17:00.004-05:00

*strokes blog*

*pats it's wee head*

*soothes it's fevered brow*

*sighs*

There there poor negle cted baby.

Ok, so. I'm still knocked up and I'm still a teacher. WHEW.

So, did you guys know that here in Mexico every Monday morning at school the kids go out and march like Nazi's and salute (EXACTLY LIKE NAZIS) to the Mexican flag? Cuz I didn't, and it was surreal. They even have pop and crackle music on a gigantic radio player that sounds eeeerrriiillyy like it's playing strait out of somewhere back 50 years ago. I swear to God when they flung their arms out to the flag from their chest I about peed my pants!

As a teacher I am required to be out there and watch over the kids but as an American citizen they respect my right to stand aside and merely watch - I shall not be saluting the Mexican flag or singing their anthem any time soon. Five years from now when I become a legal (dual) citizen of Mexico I imagine it will be my duty to do so - and won't THAT be a weird day. But for now, I stand respectfully to the side and go home and eat macaroni and cheese every Monday night.

Anyhoo.

It's my 4th week at school and I've successfully scoured the Internet for things to teach my kids and even started coming up with my own stuff. Having no curriculum, books, materials or even IDEAS sure does make a beotch get creative QUICK. :D

I'm glad I didn't write last week. It was my first ever week of teaching and I hated 1st graders with such a passion that I would have wahh waaa'd and boo-hoo'd all over my blog and offended a couple hundred people. This week I merely dislike 1st graders (and 2nd too) and have the sinking feeling that if I had a proper curriculum it wouldn't be half as bad. The thing is it's difficult coming up with ideas to keep them busy for a 50 minute block of time. It seems I've got to change activities every 10 minutes or so but holy hell - how am I supposed to make up 5 different activities two times a week?? Plus, my class is conversation - AND THEY DON'T SPEAK.

*calm deep breath*

Never mind.

*hands over ears*

*pretends first graders do not exist*

I sort of love 4th, 5th and 6 graders.

They are fun as hell!!

LMAO and they say some funny shit!

My very first day I had a boy ask me if I like to eat "Machitos" (beef balls)

NIICCEE. LOL though, it's something they truly DO eat here and not a bad word. The kids regular teacher was in the room and heard him and got pissed that he would ask me such a thing and tried to make the boy EXPLAIN to me exactly what Machitos meant. (I had no clue!) The boy clammed up and freaked out because his teacher was yelling at him and he didn't want to say BALLS to me - so she let the little girl sitting next to him tell me.

LMAO! I cracked up and informed the boy that for the rest of the year his name will be Machitos. Two weeks later and I sure as hell don't forget his name! :D Little punk!

I was playing "telephone" with a group of 3rd graders and after giving the two teams the same word - orange - they BOTH came up with the final result of "borracho," which means "drunk" in Spanish. That cracked me the hell up. :) Great kids.

Anyhoo, I've only got a minute, but things are going well. The school is making me get my residency here in Mexico so that I won't be an illegal any longer - THEY DON'T LIKE ILLEGALS????? - and I'm looking forward to this screwy Mexican trip.

See yall in a tad!

And P.S. - Daisy can CRAWL!!!

SHIT!

And then there were four.

2010-08-19T08:44:00.004-05:00

Ok, so here's the thing. Being a conversation teacher sounded like a hell of a lot of fun and I think will be - but while every other teacher in this school has a book, a specific curriculum to follow - I have nothing. The past conversation teachers took everything they did with them and I was left with nothing but a couple of photocopies and super vague explanations about what exactly I'm supposed to teach and how I'm supposed to do it. I've asked over and over just HOW they want me to go about teaching but nobody seems to really KNOW or be worried about it so I've been on the Internet for the past couple of weeks trying to figure out what a person like me does and how to go about it.

Thank You Internet.

So, indeed I've been neglecting the blog but it's been in the pursuit of children's education so that's you know... practically Mother Teresa like. :D

Moving on.

Whoever wrote to me about a month ago that they predicted I would be knocked up within the next year - I'd like to officially say that I don't like you very much. Sparx? Maybe Sparx. Oh, and why?

BECAUSE I'M PREGNANT AGAIN.

*faints*

*barfs*

*barfs again*

*aaaaand faints*

I've been sick as a DOG off and on for two weeks and I'm still not sure if I have the flu or not but one thing for sure is that ye ole E.P.T. had double lines yesterday.

Oh my God.

Just.

In the words of my newly found sister "craptastic."

Did I tell you guys that a half sister that I've never met (I'm 28 and she's 26) found me via Facebook about two weeks ago? FACEBOOK!!! We've been corresponding ever since and even spoke on the phone!!! It's pretty damn amazing. Like, Oprah Amazing! It's REALLY cool, because SHE'S cool. :)

So, I've got a great job that's been requiring all my time, a new found sister and I'm pregnant.

Dear Gawd did I mention I'm pregnant?

Did I mention that I've not been able to keep anything in my stomach for two days and feel like I've been hit by a flu-filled train?

Swear to God I'm never doing this again. This baby better have testicles or Chino is OUT OF LUCK in the boy dept.

Ok, *nauseous* Love you blog pals, and I'll write coherently soon. :D

Working HARD!!!! ....... or not.

2010-08-10T09:51:00.002-05:00

I'm currently writing to you from a meeting we're having here at my new job. We're in the computer lab learning about the schools intranet but unfortunately (or noootttt) there is no account made for me yet.

Why is there no account for me? Pure Mexico.

When I went in for my one and only interview I showed up off the street, with a resume and a speach. 15 minutes later and I was verbaly hired. No checking my refrences or ensuring I hadn't lied my ass off on my resume, no speaking with a psycologist or taking an are-you-a-psycho test and honest to gawd they never even asked to see my I.D.

Two days into working and they still haven't asked to see any I.D. or even my high school diploma! I could be anybody! I could be an axe murder or a child molester or an escapee from a mental institution but because I showed up with a great resume, nice clothes and a great attitude - they're just plain not worried about it.

I haven't even filled out an aplication!

LMAO this IS pure Mexico - this is truly how things work here!

It does make me wonder and feel a little shifty and not great that they don't research adults - especialy men - that are going to be working with precious impressionable children. I may laugh and poke fun at the situation but in reality it's dangerous.

I won't say that all schools here are like this. At the previous school I attended they did require me to see a psycologist and even teach a class before offering me a job (working with 18 month olds or 3 year olds (I said no thankyou!)) And when Chino went to a public school to teach English they actually sent him to another State for his psych exam. (The lady that was in the process of hiring him died and the school was in such an upset that all of his paperwork was lost and he gave up on it)

So anyways, it's a little nuts here. The past two days I've sat in meetings that are soley in Spanish with no translator and quite frankly tuned out, wrote letters to folks back home, made my grocery list and am now blogging. It's the same for the other non-Spanish speakers, they're pretty much just hanging out staring at the walls.

Don't get me wrong though - I'm still thrilled to be here! This is how so many things work in Mexico it doesn't suprise or concern me that this is how it's going. I'm here, my attendance in known and I'm just plain not worried about my part of it all.

They still haven't explained to me what a Conversation Teacher is required to do or what exactly I'm supposed to teach or how - but they DID lol tell me that they do not have a curriculum. Someone is supposed to give me an idea of how it works (one of these days) and I'm to come up with my own ideas and materials. LMAO - Cool! I'll have two tons of lee-way and will be able to use subjects that kids are interested in - Hello Justin Beiber and Twilight!!

I've made friends already with the other English speakers, I'm fitting in just fine and I'm just going with the flow. I'm Happy :)

Blog Etiquette

2010-08-07T02:07:00.006-05:00

********* Teeny amendment - it seems a lot of people misunderstood this post. So, I'll tell you in advance that what I'm trying to say is that first off "lurkers" are not a bad thing - they're WONDERFUL!! I love to see that they're out there reading my blog, I appreciate them and know that they're happy because they come back! "Lurker" is merely the Internet word for it and I in no way meant to make them sound evil or bad or anything less than GRAND!! You all just keep on doin your thang and I'd never ask for anything different! XOXOX's to all of you that can't or don't want to comment! I truly truly meant that I feel bad when it comes to my FRIENDS, the people I interact with a lot here on my blog - that I feel bad for not going back to THEIR blog and commenting in return - that's all! :) Sorry for the confusion! ********

I've been thrashing around inside my head about some blog etiquette for about THREE MONTHS now and I'm still undecided so what the hell - I'm just going to ask you guys!!

I LOVE COMMENTS. What blogger doesn't right? Well some, but never mind that for now. Comments let me know that people "get me" or think I'm funny or agree with me or you know, hate me and want to steal my kidney's. Every time I see a new one I get all excited and inside my head start running around in circles like a dog does when it's really happy and decides to chase it's tail. It's a big deal ok?? ;D

But here's the thing. I read A LOT of blogs. I try and go and read everyone that comes to comment on my blog PLUS all of the people on my sidebar, some blogs that I'm "following" and even a few more that I've got saved in my "Favorites" because I'm too lazy to put them anywhere else. A LOT OF BLOGS. I love to read so it's not like it's a chore but the thing is - comments.

Three quarters of the time I can't think of anything intelligent or funny or .... anything that would be of USE to say in response to a persons post. I can really LOVE the post or think it's hilarious or wonderfully written ect. but still not be able to come up with anything that I feel is worthy of leaving in their comment box.

I feel like an ass if I say "Great Post!" or "Funny Post!" or "Sorry your Gramma Died" or anything else that's a general response. I feel like I need to show the person that I've read what they had to say, ingested it, understood it and somehow truly appreciated it through my comment. (But you know... when I GET a general response in MY comment box - I'm not offended, I'm just happy they took the time to say something - but I don't want to do that with every post I read, it'd get weird!)

And if I can't think of anything to say that I believe is worthy of that person or their post? I leave NOTHING!!! GAAHHHHHH!!!! That's even worse right?

What to do?? Put something down just so they know that I was there and read it and possibly insult the person by a lame form response? Or leave nothing and have them think I'm a one-sided blogger?

I JUST DON'T KNOW!

A couple of months ago I actually thought about announcing that if I have nothing of use to say but want people to know I was there that I would just leave an "X" or a sign or symbol or something in their comment box just so they would know that I read it. Then of course I slapped myself in the head a few times and came to my senses.

What to DO!?

Ellen!? I read all about your novel writing experience this past season and could never think of anything bright to say - but I read it!

On Mexican Time - I read your restaurant reviews and see the beautiful pictures of Cancun and drool all over your blog and got excited about soccer with you - but came up empty for something good to say - not because your posts aren't' great - but because I'm retarded!

I faithfully read both Leslie Limon blogs and she moves me and inspires me - yet I'm silent.

Wordy Bitch, Sparx, Mountain Mama, RITA even you! I love all of you great ladies and yet find myself a lurker!

Seriously, if you're in my sidebar I am reading what you have to say. I might have to check in after a week and go back and read a few posts to catch up but I'm there.

WHEN DID I BECOME A LURKER!!??

(Not that there's anything wrong with lurkers on my blog! I have sitemeter, I know you're there, what time you came, how many times, where you're from, what kind of computer you're on and the software you're using (why DOES sitemeter have to get all creepy like that??) and I'm just happy you're here! I'll never ask my lurkers to de-lurk if they don't feel the need!)

So? What would YOU do - or DO you do - or do you think is appropriate to do? I thought about commenting once in a while just to let the person know that I'm still reading them, but then they won't know that I read every post!

I think I'm just going to bang my head against the wall for a bit, perhaps that will help. OR - lol - you all could tell me what to do!

HELP.

I'm a TEACHER!!!! OH EM GEE !!

2010-08-06T01:45:00.003-05:00

OH my gawd I love this picture!!! I totally stole it from a FB friend (Hi Miki!) and had to share it because...well..

BWWWAAAAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHHHA

It's awesome and that is all.

Okay so ready for the coolest news EV-VER!!??? I was hired on-the-spot two days ago at a private school here where I LIVE in Reynosa!!

To be a TEACHER!!!

OH MY GOSH!!!

HOLY CRAP!!!

*pees pants*

*goes to change pants*

*puts on Depends because might pee again*

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG !!!!!!!!!!!

I can't..

This is just...

Oh my gosh!!!

Ok, deeetails!!! They hired me to be a "Conversation Teacher." What does that mean? Ummmm well I guess (lmao I don't truly know the details) I'll be a teacher that goes around from class to class and helps the kids practice all of the English that they've been learning and actually put it to use, making real conversation.

They informed me today that I'll be teaching elementary, middle school and high school - lol - not bad for someone who has never stepped foot in a real classroom. I gave private violin lessons for a weeee bit and did a couple of Sunday school classes way back but it'd be like comparing apples to donkeys. "DONKEH!"

Why?? Might you ask would they hire someone that doesn't have a college degree or any true teaching experience?

I'm white.

OKAAAYY, okay, not JUST because I'm white, but because I'm an American and I have the American accent that will help these kids to get a much better handle on speaking English correctly. And... I'm white and therefore stick out like a sore thumb and impress the hell out of the rich parents that pay a ridiculous amount of money for their kids to come there and learn.

I can only imagine what they would think about paying that ridiculous amount of $$ if they knew that I have a H.S. diploma and about two semesters of college amounting to - zip - and the fact that I can't spell and have no concept of grammar - but whatever - I DON'T HAVE TO CROSS THE BRIDGE EVERY DAY ANYMORE!!!!!

*goes to change Depends*

Plus, they're going to pay me more than I was earning sucking up to people at the Hotel in Texas! And they're going to give me insurance (not that I'll use it (scaaarrryyyy), but it'll cover my husband and that way he'll at least have something and that is awesome) AND - OH MY GAWD - AND - they PAY FOR HOUSING!!!

*faints*

*searches for baby diaper because has run out of depends*

They're actually going to give me 3,000 pesos in rent money (or they will rent a place for us but we don't want to move) - and we only pay 2,500 for our house! SCORE!

Seriously you guys, I won't be spending one hundred dollars a month to cross the border 5 days a week AND we'll be saving two hundred dollars on rent.

*faints again*

*wakes up to find husband staring at me thinking I'm drunk because I'm in a diaper and have pissed myself*

You know, if the hurricane hadn't come and I hadn't drove through a flooded road and blew up my car and spent all of our money trying to fix it (still sooo not fixed but whatever!) I would have been able to fly home and see my family for a couple of weeks - BUT - I wouldn't have gone to that interview. I would have come home to the same crappy job going nowhere and had no idea what greatness was out there that might-have-been.

So. YYAAYYY FOR MY CAR BLOWING TO SHIT!!!! LMAO we're actually going to have to buy another motor for it because the mechanic that bought us the first one bought a motor that goes to a completely different car and tried to make it work with ours and ended up screwing up even MORE stuff -and won't refund us anything, and is cartel-hooked-up so we can't mess with him - BUT WHATEVER - Because I now have a kick ass job and we're not going to be PO-NO-MO!!!! (p.s. I promise not to use the word "and" 18 times in once sentence when I'm teaching, and I'm going to buy a book on grammar - cuz damn)

EEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*hyperventilates*

*searches for inhaler*

*realizes is not asthmatic*

*thanks God for that*

*faints*

*wakes up to find husband slapping his weaner against the side of my head because when you've been married for a while your husband might think it's funny to do that sometimes*

I'm so excited! I start in .... three days!! HOLY CRAP!!

I'm so happy!!

Year and a Half Jack Ass

2010-07-31T05:49:00.004-05:00

I've been living and driving in Mexico for one year and ten months. When I first moved here I thought it was important to learn fast the meanings of different traffic signs. I say "thought" because now days I know that it doesn't really matter what the signs say, we're all going to drive the way we want, but never mind that for today.

One of the street signs - "No estacionamiento" - I remember vividly because it was such a big word and at the time impossible for my non-Spanish-speaking tongue to get out of my mouth correctly. I went around for two weeks mumbling "es-ta-see-own-uh-me-en-toe" slowly and deliberately under my breath - driving my husband nuts having to re-ask over and over "How does it go again? Esta-see-what??"

I can actually remember where I was the first time I got it right and how thrilled I was at my accomplishment. Chino and I were down town Reynosa in the car and I was practicing and all of a sudden it started flying out of my mouth quickly and correctly and I was thrilled and clapping my hands and repeating it while my husband shook his head in awe of my.... specialness.

Fast forward a year and ten months or so to the past two weeks and I've found myself facing a number of the signs you see - above to the right - every day I go to work. Because of the flooding here I was forced to find a different route to the border - at night time, alone - and for what ever reason my brain failed me the first night I ran across this "No-E" sign.

I was one block away from the street I needed when at a stop sign I looked across the street to see the "No-E" sign and thought to myself "Oh SHIT!" "No Entrance???" "But I don't know how else to get to the street I need! And it's dark! And I don't want to go around getting lost and what am I going to do because if I go the wrong way and enter that street with the NO ENTRANCE sign the Transito is going to get me and WOE IS MEEEEEE!!!!"

And so, for the past two weeks I've been taking a goofy ass twisted up route to get to the border to avoid the dreaded "No-E" signs.

I noticed that many drivers ignored the signs and drove down those streets anyway but figured that they were merely more brave than I and didn't fear the Transito. Or they didn't see the signs. Or whatever, the fact is I saw them and nothing clicked.

The "No-E" sign of course doesn't stand for "No Entrance" it STANDS for "No estacionamiento."

No Parking.

Oh. My God.

I thought the no parking signs meant no entrance and have been avoiding them all over the city trying to make my new route to the border.

Because my dildo of a brain ran low on it's double d's and mixed up the English "E" for the Mexican "E" I've been driving around the city like a psycho rat in a cheese maze with no sense of direction, merely on a a tunnel vision mission to my border prize.

I don't know why I finally realized, it just all of a sudden clicked and for one moment all the systems in my brain and body shut down for a second of stunned silence at the awe of my.... specialness.

I'm a very, very special gal.

God Help Me.

Amen.

Property of Hey-Soos

2010-07-26T04:55:00.021-05:00

The first thing I saw when I entered the front desk area last night was this in the pic to your left. Apparently Jesus works for Comfort Inn and forgot his hammer. Silly Jesus, he's a good hard working carpenter but I guess a tad forgetful. I'll make sure to give his sledge back to him when he comes in in the morning, but not till he answers a few questions about the meaning of life for me. Maybe what heaven is really like and if my name is written in "the book of life," that sort of thing.

Seriously though, Hispanic Catholics do NOT play around when they name their kids after biblical folks. Why go with Noah or John or Paul when you can head strait on in and name your kid Jesus? I wonder if they ever feel blasphemous when they're pissed at their kid and say "Crap! Jesus is being a real asshole today!"? Or what if you were married to a Jesus and got in a fight and said "Go to hell Jesus!" ?

Somthin' ta think about.

I'll be naming my future-not-yet-conceived son "Noah" by the way. I decided that today. Chino doesn't know yet but I'll tell him eventually. It was the same with Daisy, I knew what her name was going to be about four months before she was even conceived. (Please god don't let me get knocked up in four months -amen. And please forgive me for making fun of Mexicans naming their kids after you but...well come on - amen)

Speaking of my little piglet, she's taken not only to drinking and driving, playing with her jewelry while driving - but texting while driving as well.

*sigh*

Teach 'em young.

At least when she's texting and driving she's NOT driving over to the garbage can where she may or may not have taken out a dirty diaper to chew on. *ahem*

She's worse than the dog.

Also - Look at her bad ass form still trying to learn to crawl, she's working so hard!

Check out that form - go baby go!!

Granted, she always ends up like this -

*Aheherrrm,* yes btw she is indeed not wearing a diaper - WHO NEEDS 'EM?? Lol no, just playing, she had some diaper rash starting to form and the only way to keep it from spreading like wild fire is to let her go diaper free as much as possible. If she happens to pee on the blanket (we have extras in case) we wash it, she has a happier booty and everybody's happy.

After the flop she'll quickly degrades to this.

Poor baby, and mommy just takes your picture.

"Hold that pose, yes, good face baby, this'll be nice for mommy's blog. Just a second that one was blury, let me take another and I'll pick you up then - just holllllldddd stiiiilllll.........got it!"

I've got the motherly love thing down pat!

Bruja Sausage - Chorizo + Eye of Newt

2010-07-24T04:47:00.005-05:00

I eat eggs with chorizo (mexican sausage) about four times a week - if not more. It's delicious, a different flavor, makes eggs less boring, quick and my husband adores it. We eat the shit out of it ok? Alright.

So. I've been on a reduced carb diet for about a month and a half now (down 12 pounds, applause please) and have been happily carrying on eating my chorizo because it's low in carbs. The other day at the hell-mart I decided to take the time to read some labels and see which brand was the lowest in carb and got side tracked and decided to look at the ingredient list.

I figured it'd be like hot dogs where it says "mechanically separated meat" parts or whatever and was fine with that, but what I read instead stopped my brain in it's tracks.

I honestly went blank for a moment in complete shock. Take a look -

"Beef salivary glands, lymph nodes & fat (tongue & cheeks), paprika, soy flour, vinegar, salt, spices red pepper, garlic, sodium nitrate."

At this point in my blog I would normally start swearing and using a hundred or so exclamation points and italicising everything but for once, I think I'm too in shock to do anything but keep reading the list over and over.

*shudder*

*gag*

SALIVARY GLANDS!!??? OH MY GAWD!! Lymph nodes!? LYMPH NODES. Do you know what I think when I read or hear lymph nodes? I think CANCER. Because whenever someone gets cancer the first question is "Has it spread to the lymph nodes???" Because we all know that after it gets to the lymph nodes it goes to the rest of your body and you might just be kaput.

I stood there in the store irrationally thinking "What if the cow had cancer??" I can't eat the cancer spreading glands! Irrational, I know but come on, what was my brain supposed to do? If it were a PC it would have crashed. Just sayin'.

I just googled lymph nodes and came up with this - "Lymph nodes function to trap bacteria that may penetrate the intestinal wall." Well shit, if that doesn't scream nutritious!

And who the crap knew that there is FAT in tongue and cheeks? (lol tongue and cheek - get it?) But for real, the tongue and cheek meat is too good for chorizo? WHERE IS THE CHEEK MEAT GOING? Did you know there is such a thing AS cheek meat?

(lol "cheek meat" sounds like booty)

(Ok, I googled "cheek meat" to be an asshole and put up some horrific pic of magled beef face and ended up coming up with some really nice looking cuts of beef. Tell me - if you didn't know what that IS you'd be thinking "Mmmm looks like a nice cut!" Lol it seems there's all sorts of fancy restaurants featuring cheek meat. Who knew?)

How the hell do they get to the salivary glands and lymph nodes anyway? Is there a guy who's job it is on some assembly line to sort through the dead cow's head and yank out nodes and glands? WHERE CAN I APPLY??

I just. Damn you know? If it would have listed only one of these ingredients I might have been fine to go on eating my chorizo, I could forget about just one horror show ingredient, but there's nothing ELSE. It's ALL nodes and lymph and eye of newt and spleen of rat! I'd be OK with spleen!!

I bought some you know. I stared at it, picked up all 7 varieties they had and read the same ingredients on each package, and decided that I'm a grown up. I'm an adult and I've been enjoying my Halloween sausage for years and I need to just forget about the ingredients and remember that I love it.

But alas. I can't. My purchase has been sitting in the refri for a week now and I stare at it every time I open the door. I can't seem to find any sort of craving for it. I'm NOT an adult. Or at least, an adult capable of eating horror film sausage any more.

Asshole ingredient list.

For craps sake where do the beef butt holes go!!?? Dog food? What's left for the dog food!?

Time to be Thankful!!!

2010-07-23T03:28:00.004-05:00

A few years ago I started a blog all for myself (but of course public) that I could go to - and made a promise to myself to go to - to write down things that I was thankful for.

When I was posting on it a lot it brightened my outlook no matter the circumstances because when you're actively looking for things to be thankful for - even when things are crappy - you FIND them. And the more you think about being thankful and the things you're thankful for - the more you find.

It snowballs and it's kinda great. And I forgot about it!

After reading comments from fellow blog-friends lately, comments where they have shared part of their life when things were going wrong, I felt a new sense of...I don't know how to put it in words - but I realized that things could be a lot worse!

The grateful concept has been dinging around in my head for a week or so and I've been trying to find a way to implement it so that I can record being thankful every day or so - a way to make myself REMEMBER to be thankful - and lol today I remembered I have a blog from long ago devoted to just that!

Great memory I have. :)

Anyhoo, I'm going to start recording the little things in life that come by and trip my trigger - and the big things too - so that I'll get back into the spirit of being thankful and not negative. Don't worry you don't have to read it, but it's public just in case a soul comes along that needs to see it.

I'm excited to be doing this again - I remember how it made me feel!

Along with this I've also been reading the book "The Secret." My suuuppppeeeerrrr cool friend here in Reynosa let me borrow it and she said that it changed her life - literally - so I had to give it a go. Has anybody read it? Thoughts? It's a lot about positive thinking, and maybe a little out there - but maybe not. I'm not gonna judge it till I give it my best!

Try to screen your thoughts for an hour or so today and be honest with yourself about the positive/negative aspect of those thoughts. I'm here to tell you the truth that if you make an effort to change them to the positive and start being grateful - you'll find more and more to be positive about. It's easy to forget so if you want to help yourself write things down in a lil notebook or on your Facebook or start a blog! :D

Try it for a week even if you're super skeptical and I swear you won't have reason to come back to my blog and tell me I'm looneytoons. Mexpats honor!!

Lol and btw I swear I'm not smoking anything or have ingested any questionable substances today - I'm just feeling UP and want to share. I want you to feel UP too!! :)

Speedy Gonzalez!

2010-07-20T19:17:00.036-05:00

My baby is attempting to crawl. She's not exactly good at it and pretty much ends up like the picture to your right at every attempt - FACE PLANT - but she's giving it her best damn it! (btw I wasn't waiting for a face plant pic, I was trying to get a pic of her up on her arms and got this instead ;D ) Last week she rolled over for the first time, she's trying to crawl and she can even stand up all by herself. How did this happen? Wasn't I just pregnant? Weren't I just freaking out about giving birth and how I was going to keep her alive?

You do realize I'm turning into a mommy blogger.

I'd appreciate if someone would slap me.

But she's so cute... I want to put up pictures of my cute baby and brag and make fun of her.

*i will not become a mommy blogger i will not become a mommy blogger*

But she can STAND!!??? Isn't that NEATO?? LOL will I give a shit with the next one? Like, will I think any of this is great or will I just drag him around like an old blanket because he'll be old news?

"He." Wishful thinking for my husband.

We took her to Burger King to play in the play place (lol doesn't work so well for one that cannot crawl or walk) and we gave her her first french fry. NICE Lindy, start her young on the road to obesity! LOL it was only one though and then she moved on to her vegetable cookie and watched Mommy set a good example by eating a salad. Ok, and maybe Chino broke off pieces of his double whopper and fed it to her but WHATEVER it was only once and strait back to oatmeal and green beans the next day.

We tried going to the zoo today but the roads were flooded. Before I had a baby I used to think it was retarded to take babies to zoos and parks like that but now I get that you're not going so much for the baby to learn or remember or be enriched - you're doing it to get the dang thing OUT OF THE HOUSE so it won't be cranky and have yourself be amused in the process.

We do all sorts of stuff that we never did before just to get the baby out of the house so she won't be bored and although she might be amused riding the carousel and playing in the park it's my husband and I who are truly having the good time.

It's kind of neat that she's forced us to come out of our shell and get out of the house. The first year we were here in Mexico we didn't go anywhere, like... ever. We were bummed and scared to go places and didn't KNOW of any places TO go but after the baby was born we'd been here longer, were a tad more brave and quite frankly HAD to find places to take her. Now day's we know about parks and the mall and a zoo and water parks and all sorts of fun stuff that we never did before having a baby.

Backwards? Perhaps, but it's working out fine. :)

I Like My Tea Green

2010-07-18T05:13:00.012-05:00

I have no idea what the Tea Party Act... thing... is about. I seriously have zero time to watch t.v. - news included - and I'm not exactly a political-type person soooooo.... well I just have no clue. Every time I DO pass a television someone seems to be screaming about it and so therefore I'm a tad curious and I imagine I should probably care, but I don't.

I could be Googling it right now and reading all about it but I think it's more fun and a better use of my time to write about the fact that I'm clueless just to boggle your mind. ;P

It's funny how cut off a person can become when a baby comes into their life and I think expats like myself end up a tad more cut off - for the plain fact that nobody around us speaks English or cares much about English T.V. or U.S. politics. To tell you the truth though, I don't mind a bit. Whenever I'm at work and a customer starts up a conversation about current events - plane crashes, bombings, shootings, natural disasters and such - I thank my lucky stars I DON'T have time to watch t.v.

My husband has somehow figured out a way to bribe the baby into sitting and watching t.v. by his side - I HAVE NO FRIGGIN CLUE HOW THAT FREAK DOES IT - and so he's caught up on things, but we don't talk about it. Instead we talk about BABY. We talk about our baby or maybe the latest high-jinx of a friend or what disease our dog needs a shot for this week or how we're going to get our asses out of our current jam, but mostly -BABY.

Baby food in, baby food out, how cute baby is how evil baby is, baby's toys baby's stuff, baby's smile, laugh, fart, busted ass hair - ect.

Sometimes I think we need to get a life. Or is being all-consumed with one's new baby HAVING a life? Am I allowed to say a seven month old is a "new" baby still? When does the new wear off? Once again, I'm clueless. I DO know that I don't mind it though, and that that fact seems astronomically weird.

What the hell did we talk about before having Daisy and why do I not miss it?

What the hell do babies DO to a persons BRAIN!? Besides fry it all to hell. Fried. That's why we don't care about other things, we're freaking FRIED. Will we become un-fried 18-30 years from now when she moves out? WHAT THE HELL WILL WE TALK ABOUT THEN???

Who knows, but I'm damn sure it won't be the Tea Party.

My Baby's Not Retarded and My Husband is Not an Alcoholic

2010-07-15T10:32:00.004-05:00

***************** UPDATE - Right after posting this happy post I found out that my debit card had been stolen - again - aaaaaannndd they half emptied my account. Screw you world. Really. In the meantime, thank goodness for the Chase insurance guy that said they would return the charges - eventually I'll be looking for that bridge now. Thank You.***************

Last night I was playing with Daisy on the bed, trying to work with her in her frustration to learn to crawl and all of a sudden, for no apparent reason - she rolled over. SEVEN MONTHS OLD, she can sit up and even stand all by herself using the couch but she couldn't roll over until last night.

Bwaaaahahahah she's not retarded!!!! ;D From last night till this morning she's figured out that she can roll over left to right, right to left and from tummy to back and back to tummy. Lol she might be a late bloomer but at least she's caught on quick!

So there, a good thing. Theresa's comment on my last post about her past life in Las Vegas brought my self-pity to a dead halt this morning. The single sentence about her ex-husband being an alcoholic slapped me in the face and back into reality. *THWACK* Just like that and the fog was gone from my brain because I happen to have a wonderful husband. I have a wonderful husband that I CHOSE to move here for and deal with all of this for and he's still worth it. He's out right now walking around trying to get our vehicles fixed so we can both go back to work tonight.

I even have two friends here in Reynosa - TWO! TWO whole friends (and that's not sarcasm) that are wonderful and sweet to me and THERE for me and are more than willing to help me if I'd ask and would even drive my sorry ass to work if it came down to it.

And, my baby is apparently not retarded. So you know... that's cool.

Somebody Kick Me

2010-07-14T21:36:00.007-05:00

A couple of months ago my Chihuahua Sassy accidentally ran away. I was too sad and too much in denile thinking that she was going to come home to blog about it. We put out around 500 fliers all around our neighborhood and searched for days and never heard a thing. I was never going to post about it, just one more downer thing that I'd rather avoid, but today I'm so sad once again that I'll have to either write it out or jump a bridge.

Today, my little sweet 35lb pit bull Pooper got out, got lost and aparently couldn't find his way home. We realized really quick and my husband went after him not even ten minutes later but he couldn't find him. Chino came back to the house to see if Pooper'd returned but he hadn't so we packed up the baby and set out to find him in earnest. Driving around looking for Pooper reminded me so much of looking for Sassy, it was just about too much.

We were only out searching about twenty minutes - and Chino's truck broke down.

The car still isn't fixed so we were stranded, no car, no truck and no way to go and look for our dog. Chino had to be off walking and trying to find another mechanic and parts and things for the truck and so I was in the house watching after the baby. I would have gone out and ran the streets, but when it's 100 degrees and full sun you can't exactly go out prancing around with a baby.

It's almost 10p.m. and we still don't have a vehicle and never got to go looking for Pooper. He still hasn't come home. He's not GOING to come home and I know it.

I managed to get the baby in her stroller and go around a few streets after the sun went down and even more - managed to get myself BIT IN THE LEG by some bastard little yippie-dog a few streets over. Little asshole just ran up and bit me for no good reason and if I hadn't been too busy screaming I would have kicked the shit out of him. I imagine, with my luck, I have rabies now.

I'm just about out of steam. I just, I don't know you know? How much does a person have before they split in two and flip the lid? The scary thing to me is that I feel like I've got a LOT left in me and I wish I didn't . It'd be a lot easier just to go looney toons but aparently my genetic makeup doesn't make that possible. GOOD FOR ME.

I want my family back, I want my friends back, I want my great job back and my home where there are trees and no cartels and no shootings and to be where it's not over 100 degree's four months a year and where our house isn't robbed every three months and there aren't cockroaches the size of rats. I want my cats to be happy again and to have working vehicles and be able to go to a church that speaks English so I can pray for all of these things and today, today I want my dogs back. I want my sweet gentle dogs that are part of my family back in our house and begging for scraps they don't need and knocking over vases and reaking havoc and licking my face.

Stud McNugget

2010-07-12T05:40:00.008-05:00

Remember THIS GUY and his lady friend? The chicken couple that live across the street on the side of my neighbors house?

I've noticed over the past month and a half or so that the Rooster doesn't keep around the same hen for very long. One girl for a few nights or maybe a week, he'll be alone for a day or so and then he's shacking up with a new chick for a few more days.

He's a Rooster Hor.

Rooster Gigolo*, Male escort, STUD MUFFIN, (Stud- McNugget?) - a.k.a. Rooster Sperm Donor.

Who knew?

Cock fighting is a big deal down here (Ok really, can ANYBODY keep a strait face reading the word "cock fight" and not imagine two dangles slapping each other around? Cuz I cant.) so I guess it makes sense that they would want to pass on genes from a particularly good fighter. Like horse racing studs, you get the point.

Or maybe it's that he's really pretty? He's a pretty boy stud?

I don't have a clue. It's even more confusing that the hens don't stay around longer than they do. I mean, they only lay one egg a day so if they only stay 5 days that's only 5 eggs and wouldn't that be a bit of a small number to incubate?

I wonder if he's just really expensive and is paid by the lay.. er...day.

I guess this makes my neighbor a pimp. Too bad he doesn't have a pimp hat or a pimp stick, cuz that'd be cool.

I don't know. All I DO know is that I have a male hor living on the side of my neighbors house living in a cage, getting paid to screw different girls every week and I get to see it all in technicolor vision. Chicken porn - and he doesn't even have a fluffer!

I'm gonna get him a red light for Chirstmas.

*Thank you to Spell Check for fixing my spelling of the word "Gigolo" what would I do without you??

First Time Alone - With The Police

2010-07-11T02:42:00.005-05:00

Last night on my way to cross the border to get to work there was a big detour going on because of the flooding here and I didn't know where to go. I was throwing around ideas in my head of which street to take when I noticed an officer across the way directing traffic. My mind said "YAY! Officer Friendly! He'll show me the way! Yippeee!" and over I drove to ask him directions.

He had been directing other people in the same situation pointing here or there and sending them on their way but I... got pulled over to the side. At first I thought he was just being extra friendly because he realized that I'm not from around here and that I don't speak much Spanish but my brain came to an abrupt "Oh Fuck" when he asked to see my license.

All I did was ask for directions and I found my self effectively "pulled over." Another car pulled up to ask him directions and when he turned away to answer them (them and their lucky Mexican non-white asses) I saw the back of his shirt - "TRANSITO" - and proceeded to contemplate shitting my pants.

Instead, I did what I always thought I might do if this situation ever came to pass - me alone with a Transito officer - and I played dumb. I pretended not to understand what the word (I'm going to write everything in English, but we spoke all in Spanish) "license" meant and proceeded to bat my eyelashes and smile and repeat "Where is the border?" "I need to go to the border?" "I'm sorry, I don't understand much Spanish."

He was intent on seeing my license though and I had to figure a way out of it because my license has been LOST for a couple of months now. I keep thinking it's going to pop up somewhere but yeeaahh I'm pretty sure it's long gone. ANYHOO, if I admitted that I didn't have it on me or couldn't find it I would have been in sooo much trouble. SO, I kept playing dumb saying I didn't understand until he got frustrated and said "I.D. Identification" - at which point I smiled REAL big and said "OHHHH I.D.! I have that! Here's my passport!!!" WHEW!!

So, he looked at my passport and started with the questions. "Where are you going?" "What are you doing here?" I told him that my husband lives in Reynosa and his eye's lit up, his next question being "Where does your husband work?" (He was sizing me up for how much I was worth, how much my husband would be able to pay to get me out of Transito-Limbo) I told him the truth and lol - he laughed at me! He was thinking maybe I was with a rich husband from the U.S. that heads a factory or something and that he was going to get a lot of $$ out of me. HAA!!

Anyhoo, on with the questions but at this point they were more out of curiosity like "Why don't you speak Spanish?" "Does your husband speak English?" (DUHHHH) "You live in the U.S. and he lives here?" At one point I think he wanted me to call my husband so he could speak to him - he hadn't quite given up on some $$ but I pretended not to understand and asked for the 20th time "Where is the border?"

The entire time he was asking me questions car after car pulled up and asked him directions - many asking the SAME thing that I was and he'd send them peacefully on their way. I didn't let on that I understood the peoples questions or his answers for a while but soon got tired of the questioning and got confident that he wasn't going to take me in on some trumped up charges and said "Ohhh!! It's THAT way! You told that man it's THAT way to the border! Thank You!" He of course ignored me and went on talking, I think at this point I was a fun diversion for him so I pretended to get worried and urgent and told him that I reeeaaaallllyyy needed to get to the border so I could get to work.

At last he relented, handed me back my passport and sent me on my way. All of that because I forgot that "Officer Friendly" isn't so friendly here. All of that over asking "Which way is the border?"

Gahh. A lot of fellow expats - those of you down South might be freaking out because no, he didn't have the right to ask for my license or take my passport or ask me 50 questions -and I know that - but here on the border things are different. There ARE no rights. "Rights" here on the border belong to who ever has the biggest gun or the best cartel hook-up. Here if you disobey or refuse to pay or lol - ask for a ticket - you might get your ass drug out of your car and beat or robbed or both. No matter how loud you spout out the rights for people in the state of Taumalipas, they'll still drag your ass in, take your money, maybe hold you for ransom and steal your car. That's why we pay the 70 pesos to the Transito officers and bid them good day. Sorry Southern Mexico folks, Chino and I aren't young or naive, we're merely saving our ASS.

But tonight, ahhhh tonight I played my best I-don't-speak-Spanish-but-aren't-I-cute card, got an officer that wasn't feeling too bastardy, and got off lucky and scott free. Tonight for the first time we didn't pay a bribe and I did one hell of a happy dance in the truck on the way to work. Tonight I WON!

Thank You LAUREN!!!

2010-07-09T02:30:00.009-05:00

LAUREN a.k.a. lolo_pimpschitt - a fellow blogger and FB friend of mine contacted me about a month back and offered out of the blue to send me some baby clothes that her daughter (her daughter who btw is cuter than Daisy, like amazingly cute) has grown out of. I was totally surprised and flattered and to tell you the truth - thrilled - because my lil fatty was fast outgrowing everything I had for her. I was also all feet-shuffly and socially backward feeling because it was such a kind offer and I'm goofy when it comes to excepting gifts.

Since then she's mailed me not one but TWO boxes of clothing for Daisy and OH MY GAWD what NICE clothes!! They're spotless and adorable and couldn't be better sizes if I'd picked them out myself and it's seriously been like Christmas around here! She even sent a couple of bathing suits, shoes, hair bows and even adorable baby tights. I'm so flabbergasted by her kindness - she sent A LOT of clothes, and feel all around... I don't know.... it's just REALLY neat that an almost stranger would do such a nice thing you know?

Anyhoo, I've been wanting to do this post for a while but not until I could tell her that HER box is on IT'S way! She of course didn't ask me for anything in return, but I wanted to do something so - Lauren, your Mexican candy is on it's way!! Lol I'm totally excited about that, I hope she likes them. :)

All the pictures in this post are Daisy wearing her new clothes (See I DO put her in clothes sometimes!) Lauren sent me so many lovely outfits that I've not had to buy a single thing for Daisy in over a month -and won't have to for quite a while. Considering our financial situation right now I can imagine that you can imagine just what a huge blessing that's been. HUGE!!

So, anyhoo, I just wanted to say a big-ole THANK YOU to Lauren, and show her how much it's been appreciated and USED around here! :)

2010-07-08T09:04:00.003-05:00

SOMEBODY,

Likes to POOP,

In the pool.

POOL POOPER!!!

Dolla Dolla No Holla! Wait.... HOLLAAAA

2010-07-06T06:00:00.001-05:00

Here on the border in Tx there's an insane amount of shopping available because of all the Mexicans that come over to buy. A ton of the stores offer super cheap wares - some a good deal and others you know... like, wear-it-once and if falls apart. I love it! I buy most of the things that my husband sells in Mexico in these stores (They all seem to be owned by Koreans?) - only the decent products of course - and love shopping in them for us as well.

Anyhooooo today I went shopping for hair irons ($8.75 when I buy them wholesale!) to take back and was lured over to the super cheap jewelry section. I've been wanting a new necklace and since all jewelry is a dollar I figured what the hell.

I picked out a 6 strand 28 inch seed-bead necklace that was sooooo pretty I had to buy 3 more. Purple, Green, Yellow and Blue, I figured I could wear more than one and mix and match - I'm sorta colorful like that.

I'm babbling, anyways, I wore the purple and green to work today (Ok I wore the blue too, so shoot me I LIKE RAINBOWS.) and about two hours after I arrived one of the strands on the green necklace broke. Ah well, that's what I get for buying it for a dollar and what the hey, I can just re-strand them... but wait.

When I looked down at my chest to inspect the green necklace I noticed that I had purple coloring smeared all over the front of my shirt and ALLL OVER my chest and neck! Bwwahahaah the purple necklace it seems has a dye-problem and rubbed off it's purple all over me making my shirt a disaster and my skin look like I've got a horrid, severe, purple-ish sun burn - in a circle around my neck and chest.

NICE.

LOL, luckily it comes off with soap and water and scrubbing so my shirt is fine (thank god it was black and grey) and my skin is back to being paper-white. I laughed at the purple necklace and figured ah well, what the hell, I'll just rinse it off and no harm done.

Three hours later and I'm still rinsing.

Ok, so I only rinsed for about five minutes and then gave up but I've been soaking it in an ice bucket and going back every now and then to swish it around, dump out the pink water and fill 'er up again.

Some of the beads are staying purple and it seems that others are going ... clear. Lmao who PAINTS on color?

So yeeeeaahhh, the $1 necklaces are apparently like the sandals that only last a day and the tea that's out of date but ah well, I STILL think it's a good buy for all of those beads! I'll re-string the green and keep washing the purple until I get my DOLLARS WORTH thank you very much.

(p.s. it's been a few days since I wrote this post and it took 2 days of soaking and washing to finally get out all of the dye on the purple beads!) :D

Waters Rising

2010-07-04T03:22:00.002-05:00

My very first Hurricane, Hurricane Alex came on through this past week and lucky for us he went far enough South to not do much harm. He did however drop a shit load of rain on us and as I've blogged about before, with the drainage - i.e. NO drainage system - here in Mexico, it was quite the fiasco.

There are only three roads that lead out of the neighborhood where I live and by the time I'd left for work yesterday two were already impassable. Chino and I scouted out the third route earlier in the day and though it had a spot where there was a huge downward slope, it sported a nice big ditch at the bottom that was taking away the water from the road and making it so there wasn't a lake at the bottom.

After nine more hours of rain though, I had a pretty bad feeling about how it was going to go. Some of the roads on the Texas side were flooded and for me that meant that Reynosa was going to be a huge poo-filled water park.

I drove home facing one road lake after another and before crossing any of them waited for someone else to come along and go through first. You never know when the seemingly flat road might actually hold a 3 foot dip (in the space of about 10 feet) for no apparent reason, or there might be a missing man-hole cover or a road washed out - SO - I watch other folks try it out first.

I finally came to the ravine with the big ditch at the bottom - my only way home, and was surprised to see that the ditch hadn't yet given up, jammed or overfilled and that the road was still fairly clear. The road leading downward to the bottom and to the ditch was a nice flowing river but it wasn't that deep so I headed across. No problems at all! I was so pleased and therefore all the more baffled that the farther UP the hill I went the deeper the water seemed to get.

When I got to the top and the land flattened out the water reeeaaalllly seemed to get deeper but I kept trudging along because my brain couldn't wrap around the concept that it could be possible.

Brilliant.

Anyhoo, the Super-Scort started going slower and slower, started to sputter - and quit. It gave up and told me to go to hell. The first picture at the top is facing out in front of me where there should be a wide road with fields on the sides. Instead, it was a lake. My car doesn't like lakes, it's kinda bitchy like that.

I couldn't seem to get a hold of Chino on his cell so I opened up my door to see just how deep it might be and was faced with the second photo. The water looks so turbulent because it was swiftly making it's way down the hill I'd just come up and I was thanking God it wasn't another inch deep or it'd been inside my car. It was however deep enough so that I could FEEL it under my feet on the floor boards where it was gurgling underneath the car. That's truly a creepy feeling in case you were wondering.

I said never mind to walking and started bombing Chino's cell until he answered me. He came to my rescue in his truck soon after and pushed me home bumper-to-bumper.

Today we tinkered and fiddled and dried and prayed for a couple of hours and thank God the dead-scort was super once again. Chino got to use the new tool set I bought him for Fathers day and feel all manly so all's well that ends well.

Next time around that we get that much rain I do believe I'll stay put at work and sleep in my car. I'd much rather sleep in it than kill it. :D

********Update. The day after the flooding incident on my way home from work My car's engine decided to attempt to reproduce itself asexually and preform a little binary fission. (i.e. it blew up and split in two) Lol I guess there was some water in the engine after all. I'm currently spending the $$ that took me a year and half to save to fly home and see my family and for them to meet Daisy before she's like... a year old. I'm also pouting and have made the decision to be a brat and not think happy thoughts and am trying to figure out a way to tell my Mom that I won't see her in 3 weeks. I'll get over it in a couple of days but for now I would like to reserve the right to be pissy. Thank You.**********

******Second Update - Shit happens, it's been a few days and I'm not so pissy anymore, I've got too much other stuff to be thankfull for!******

I Was Born On A Pirate Ship

2010-07-02T02:45:00.004-05:00

I was standing in line at a gas station a couple of days ago when two younger teen or 12yr old boys came up in line behind me. They were a bit loud and and playing that good-ole childhood game where you hold your tongue out with your fingers and say "I was born on a pirate ship."

Never done that? Go ahead...I'll wait.

(I was born on a pile of shit) There you go.

Anyways, they were cracking each other up coming up with all sorts of ways to make each other say swear words when I started getting annoyed. There were a lot of people around and here these kids were loudly laughing and fux swearing and not giving one damn about it. The audacity! Just as I was about to turn around and give them my best seething you're-being-rude-little-punks-look though, I remembered -I used to love that game.

Granted, I never swore in front of adults and God forbid never in public but... well dang I DID like to play that game. I looked around and besides THEM there weren't any other children, no little kids and no old ladies. The boys were laughing so hard at themselves that they were turning red, full of smiles and I realized they weren't meaning to be punks.

And. Lol AND I realized that for all of the phrases they were coming up with - they DIDN'T know one of the best of all. SO! I turned around, smiled and busted out with -

"Say, "I like peanuts."

The boys blinked at me and went completely silent like "Oh shit this lady is bonkers, why is she speaking to us?? What is she going to DO??" So I smiled again, laughed a bit and said "Try it, say, "I like peanuts"

Oh lordy it still makes me laugh for REAL out loud because they DID say it and it came out perfect! They'd never heard it before so there was that split second of confusion while they're brain processed that they had just said "I like penis." It was fun to watch the expression on their faces go from "Wha?" to once again laughing their asses off. I smiled and shook my head, turned around and with great timing it was my turn to pay.

I left the store feeling really glad that I had a little fun with the kids instead of going all super-bitch. Yes, they shouldn't be swearing in public but.... well I don't know... it's not like they were dropping the F-bomb every other 4 words like the grown man in line on his cell phone behind them. You know?

I'm just glad I remembered to have fun, and remembered what it was like to be 13 for a second. :)

Purpose

2010-06-28T06:24:00.005-05:00

****Listen, if I get all church-y and Jesus-y on you for a sec. don't freak out o.k.? I swear a lot on this blog and I talk about all manner of inappropriate things but deep down ole Jesus still has his claws in me and that's that. Just bare with me for a sec and you'll see my point.****

Anyhoo, after a year and eight months or so I've finely found my purpose here in Mexico. I'm thrilled and excited and I just hope HOPE I can keep it up and not let the meager wind out of my sails.

I mentioned the church-y thing because back home in Michigan I went to the First Baptist Church in South Haven for years.... 10 I guess, and in the six months before I made the move to Mexico they were there for me any time I needed.

I was part of a really cool small group that got together to hang out, socialize and do bible study stuff and they had a huge impact on my mental state of being at the thought of leaving my home, job, college, family and friends all behind to go to someplace unknown and scary. They, and the faith that I'd slowly gained over the years planted the seed in my mind and made me feel, that God had a purpose for sending me to Mexico, and in time he'd show me.

Now, LOLOLOL don't freak out and think I've gone crazy and gonna start spouting out on the street corner on a soap box that Jesus has made me Queen of Mexico and I'm here to save the world or that I'm THE CHOSEN ONE or some craziness. Christians believe that God has a purpose in EVERYTHING that we do, from the most simple or benign or mundane of daily tasks, to grand things like becoming President or you know... big stuff.

We talked in the small group about what God's purpose might be for me down here, tried to think up things, but it was all too vast to even truly contemplate.

Aaaaaanyhooo, the thought has never truly escaped my mind, no matter how far it was pushed in the back of my brain, that perhaps there is something for me to do here. Perhaps the truth is that I NEED something to do here. Yes, I work 40 hours a week with an added 10 hours of commute, and I have a new baby to take care of and a house to clean and a husband to love and take care of and I've even made a couple of friends....but for me, it's not enough.

I've always needed PURPOSE. Back home I could volunteer at church or in old folks homes or help out people in need or whatever came my way and that made me feel good. Plus I was in college and I had a great job where I felt useful - but down here in Mexico there's nothing like that for me. Or at least I thought.

So, here it is. It's small but I'm truly excited, I'm just about bursting!

It took me Eleven months to find a friend here in Reynosa. A friend who spoke English, and was a woman and was an American who understood me and understood what I was going through. Yes, I had Chino's family but the language barrier was so great that no matter how good the intentions there was no way of making a friendship, making a CONNECTION with another human being. Eleven months - the FIRST months - the months of mourning the loss of my former life and family and friends and trying to except being poor and blah blah on and on - that could have been made so much easier with a friend that understood me.

Here where we live in Reynosa, it is one of the largest places that deported Mexicans are sent and booted back into Mexico. Many scatter to all parts of Mexico from here but some stay and some of those are fortunate enough to have their family pack up and come here and live with them.

Americans in Mexico. OR, people like my husband whom were raised from a small child in the U.S. -brought over illegally by their parents - who have been deported back to a country that they've never known as home. A place where they don't speak the language, don't know the customs or money or how to do anything at all. Don't freak out on me, I don't want to hear a freakin PEEP about immigration laws or what not - that's not what this is about so don't even go there - this is about helping out fellow lost people that came here just like me.

There are 2 other American women here in Reynosa that I personally know, in a city of over a half a million we've managed to find one another. But there are more.

We've run across more women like us from time to time but never - and I can't figure out for the life of me why - made much of an effort to make further contact.

I spoke to an American woman and her husband last week that live in Monterrey Mexico and she told me that in Monterrey they have a huge network for Americans or other Expats from all over that come new to the city. They have a network so that they can make friends, get information on the best places to shop, the safe places to be, how in the HELL to get things like electric and water and cable and Internet (those things are crazy difficult in Mexico!) and all manner of things like - lol - where you can buy brown sugar. A huge support network that makes it so new people aren't alone.

I'm going to start one here in Reynosa. I KNOW that there are more of us here, I've met some in passing, and so have my friends. The border guards on the U.S. side have made snarky remarks about "Oh, another one of YOU," and as of late Chino's family has even scared up a few!

There's a woman that lives only a few houses down from Chino's cousin and I went there last week to knock on her door. It turns out that she went back Pal Norte to work for a bit but she'll be returning! Last week another of Chino's cousin called and said that she had a new client come in her shop to get her hair cut, a white girl that speaks NO English that's here with her deported husband and two children. His cousin knows where the girl - she's only 19 - lives and agreed to take me there!

Chino told me that since he's moved to a much busier flea market that he sees them almost every weekend and I begged him to flag them down and hand out my phone number. Last weekend he gave a woman and her husband - just like us - my phone number, and I'm impatiently waiting for my phone to ring!

I'm going to figure out a way to make business cards for him to hand out. I have NO clue what they'll say but it'll come.

In the past weeks I've been joining Expat site after Expat site and setting up profiles for the city of Reynosa and explaining that there are Mexpats here in Reynosa and that I'm seeking them out.

I made a Facebook group specifically for it - me being the only current member -lol - but it's THERE should someone search for it.

I'll be starting a blog for it soon - ANYTHING to show up on a search engine, because that's how the three us gals found each other here.

I made a twitter account (lol gag) and I'm searching out and following everyone in Reynosa that I can in hopes that they'll look at MY page and see that I'm going to start twittering about looking for Americans or deported Americans at heart.

I put a free ad in the Reynosa Classifieds on the Internet.

And my latest idea, God help me in convincing my husband to help me - I'm going to run an ad in the Newspaper. (eeeeeeeeee!!!!)

I'm so excited. Everything is kinda floaty right now and I need to figure out some real direction and a strategy for keeping it all together when I do find people and how to keep them together and what not, but it will come. It will come because it's my purpose and I know it.

I'm going to find them and I'm going to get the word out so that when newbies show up they'll know where to go.

If you've read this far btw - you're practically a saint. So, saint person - do you have any other ideas of how I can look for people like me or places to put myself on the Internet that that they might be drawn to?

You know..... when my dog was lost... we posted up about 600 fliers around our neighborhood. Hmmmm....

So? Any Ideas?

Dear Fire Ants,

2010-06-26T05:28:00.006-05:00

Dear Fire Ants,

I've been intensly curious about you the past year and a half that I've lived in Mexico. Up North we don't have your kind and I've been terribly curious about you all and what it's like to be stung by one of you. I've asked all sorts of people and always enjoy the stories they tell about your silly anty antics.

My husband told me that when he was a kid they used to pick you guys up by your backs so that you couldn't sting the holder and run around chasing each other so that they could aim your fiery ass at each other and ..... well, make you sting somebody. Poor kids are creative.

I'm sorry to say though, dear fiery bastards that I am no longer curious about you. After being stung three times in the past week my curiosity is SATED and I'd appreciate if you'd stop educating me. I GET IT.

I guess I'd be a little pissed off too if all I did was work and never ever take a day off. I guess I'd be even a bit more pissy and a lot more retarded if my Dad was also my Grampa, brother and cousin. Maybe if you assholes stopped screwing ONE CHICK all the time - i.e. your MOM, Grama, sister and cousin all rolled into one - you might not BE so pissed off - and retarded. Inbreeding's not cool yo, in case you didn't get the memo, and if you get more than one chick, they won't be so worn out and busted I'll bet. Cuz damn. Just sayin'.

Anyhoo, I guess it's not your fault that my toes appear to be scary monsters, cuz yer retarded and all, but it still pisses me off that you've launched repeated attacks on them.

I should thank you though my dear little fiery assmonsters, for all at once I understand why it is that I live in land of concrete and why Mexicans insist on pouring concrete over every available surface and why nobody has a real yard. It took Chino and I over a year to find a house with a teeny patch of grass to call our own, and oh how thrilled I was to be able to move there! And now... not so much. Now I'm feeling rather Mexican-y and am dreaming concrete dreams.

They say the third times a charm and today after your third attack on my foot I've decided to make a trip to the Home Depot and come home with a little gift for you. I'm planning to go Hiroshima on your asses so consider this your warning.

I don't care if I throw down so much pesticide that my dog grows a third eye, mark my words, YOU WILL DIE. You and the ticks and beetles and everybody else are goin down and I'm going to stand by and smile the smile of a satisfied warrior, spray bucket in hand.

Shouldn'ta stung be bitches and you SURE AS HELL shouldn't have decided to take a detour off your path and run a scouting trail in my house last night. I was minding my own damn business trying to clean the house when I unsuspectingly ran across your little troupe and you all took offense. You stung me in my own house. On my own floor where sometimes my baby likes to hang out - or is forced to because these days she's figured out how to roll off the couch - but not how to brace herself for a fall. I'm not going to have the poor thing blissfully avoiding a concrete face-plant merely to be run-up-upon by a bunch of inbred asstankers ready to blow.

Tomorrow you die.

That is all.

Yours truly and sincerely with a heart full of hate,

- Gringa

GUSTO!

2010-06-25T00:27:00.011-05:00

I bought Daisy a high-chair a couple of weeks ago and have to admit that on my way home from the store I was SUPER geeked about the whole thing.

I don't know why exactly but this purchase for her seemed to trip my trigger like nothing else - it felt like Christmas!

Perhaps it's because I was getting tired of having to hold her on my lap when Chino and I were eating and try to hold a chicken bone in her mouth while feeding myself as well but... not really, I think I was just excited that she's getting bigger and is more fun and ... I don't know, it's hard to explain, just... something. Maybe I'm finnaly getting my mother-hormomones or something gooky like that.

Aaaanyhoo. She's taken to it pretty well and as you can see in the pictures she's pretty excited about the whole REAL FOOD thing she's got going on. Chino cooked the ever living shit out of some fajita meat (it's a Mexican thing, he can't help it) and it was so tough that we were able to give her a piece without worry that she would break off some and choke on it.

We're pretty damn amused during meal times these days watching her go at whatever we give her with some serious gusto and silly un-coordinated antics.

I recall in my before-baby-days to hearing parents say that they coudln't remember what was so great about life before their children, or what they DID without them and remember thinking ok CRAZY PEOPLE where's the pod that you hatched from???
But for real, I can't remember dinner ever being as fun as this. I DO remember sleeping for more than 33 hours in a week and being able to take showers and dress myself and do my hair on a regular basis and read books and watch t.v. - but whatever, that stuff will come back someday. For now though, I get the consolation prize of watching my baby attack a piece of steak like a sweet little fat.... hyena.

2010-06-21T01:11:00.009-05:00

*********** If you're a Christian, somebody from Church, my Dad or anybody else that does not care for swearing please do not read this post. I'm going to swear a lot and say icky-nasty things. Just sayin'**********

A check out lady in Walmart made me cry last week.

The first check out girl didn't run my order through my WIC card and needed help canceling the order so over came bitch-lady. Bitch lady rang me up the right way but got cranky because I miss-counted the number of formula cans and she had to re-do the order all over again. She asked me how I could miss-count, gave me one of those look-you-up-and-down looks and actually laughed at me - not with me. THEN I took my card out of the reader too early, it didn't update properly and she had to do the order over AGAIN.

There were a couple of people behind me in line and I was already mortified so it didn't help when super-bitch turned to me and said loudly "YOU KNOW MAM, WE HAVE A LINE HERE."

The Fuck?

EXCUSE ME BITCH??? Really, did she REALLY get pissed at me and inform me that there was a LINE behind me? FUCK YOU YOU SYPHILITIC CRANK ASS HOR. I was quite aware of the LINE.

I had just got off of work and was running on about 6 hours sleep from the last TWO days so yes, I'm so sorry, I miss counted the cans but REALLY? SHUT YOUR HOR-HOLE AND JUST DO YOUR FUCKING JOB.

Of course at the time, I was insanely tired and so shocked that she scolded me in front of the people in THE LINE (that I was already embarrassed in front of) that I couldn't think angry thoughts. Instead. I cried.

I cried because I was tired and even though I work 40 hours a week I still fall below the poverty line and am eligible for WIC and know that without it we wouldn't be able to feed our baby and I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE BEING JUDGED FOR IT.

I cried because the people in line behind me were thinking that I was some spastic poor-lady living off the system who couldn't do shit right and was ruining their day by making them wait an extra 4 minutes and because a grown woman WALMART CASHIER decided to yell at me.

When I was walking out I started getting pissed and wanted to go and tell the lady's manager that she was a bitch to me but I just wanted to go home.

The next day I had to go back and lo-and-behold ended up in the same bitches line. She was polite but I SOO VERY MUCH wanted to tell her that she was out of line the day before and give her an ear-full but I didn't. I'm just not that type of person, but I wish I could be. I got up the balls to not say "Thank You" when she handed me my change and I didn't even say "You too" when she told me to have a good day. LOL for me, that is being rude.

Ah well. Shit happens. Perhaps one of these days I'll grow a set. Either that or it's all going to build up and I'm going to go postal in a Walmart - we'll see!

(p.s. thank you to Spell Check for correcting my spelling of "syphilitic" - lmao what would I do without you?!)

High Jacking Bastards!

2010-06-14T22:08:00.003-05:00

OK, if you receive an e-mail from me that says "Re" in the subj. line please delete it!

My e-mail was taken over by a spammer today and sent (omg I'm going to freak out) Viagra and other ads to all of my contacts.

*My old church.

*Church ladies.

*My Dad.

*My other Dad.

*Respected bloggers that I've corresponded with over the years.

*A few ladies from back home that I haven't talked to in a couple of years who are really great people and used to be great friends but we you know, just sort of grew apart.

*A private school that I recently sent a resume to

You know, contacts like THAT. Aaaand all my friends irl and on the Internet.

If you'll excuse me I'm off to write a gagillion apologies and change my passwords now.

And die. Die a slow, embarrassing Viagra induced death. (lol bet it won't take long for rigor to set in!)

Mi Amor

2010-06-12T04:23:00.026-05:00

My husband is a partial stay at home Dad - PLUS a take-baby-to-work 4 days a week - Dad. He takes her to the flea market where he sells and manages to entertain, feed, change and love his baby all while haggling over prices and making change.

He's an amazing husband, so dedicated and loving and the more I see what's happened to marriages and relationships to so many people around me, the more thankful I am to have him and the luckier I feel. I gave up my home, family, job and school to move to Mexico so that we could stay together and although it's so hard, so damn hard to be away from my family and best friends - he's worth it.

He protects us.

He's strong and gentle.

He gives a lot of kisses.

And not just in my opinion but Daisy's too, he's the best place around to rest a weary head.

He's proud that he is a husband and that I am his wife. He's proud to be a Daddy and is crazy about our baby girl.

He's terribly bright about fixing things and building things but far too humble to admit it.

He probably won't read this post but luckily he doesn't need to read it to know that I love him. I love his corny humor that is so much like my Dads and I adore his smile. I'm terribly hard headed, stubborn as a mule and I wish I had more time to cook for him, but I'll be damned if I don't let him know every day that I love him.

I hope he feels appreciated, I vow to tell him more.

I don't know how to end this, don't know how it started, I just - love him.

Post Pregnancy Weird Shit: Goodbye Polyester

2010-06-11T03:21:00.015-05:00

It's been almost 6 months since I gave birth to my first baby, Daisy. Check out her being a bad ass there to the right, she can sit up now all by her little self. I still can't grasp the whole concept that I for real, actually FOR REAL made a baby and gave birth, that I pushed that thing out into this world. I'm not sure I ever will believe it but weather I ever grasp it or not, my body - knows it. There's been a couple of strange changes that came with pregnancy and apparently are here to stay. This is a TMI post by the way, so you know... just so you know!

I am now allergic to Polyester.

(bwwaaaaaa)

That sentence makes me laugh because I know a lot of people with finer taste in clothing than I might say jokingly that they're allergic to Polyester but I never understood that notion. I have some really pretty shirts made of the Poly damn it! Aaaaand of course... I'm cheap.

Honestly though, if I put on a polyester shirt I have an almost immediate reaction to it - in my armpits.

Nice.

Not a rash, no, nothing that simple, but instead my body makes some sort of chemical reaction with the fabric and 30 seconds later I start emitting a weird chemically B.O. that's practically nauseating. (I hope you weren't eating while reading this post.) No amount of deodorant helps and it seems actually the more deodorant applied the worse things get to smelling. In short - I reek.

Unfortunately it took me about 4 months after I gave birth to figure out the correlation and another month of being a weird smelly person to give up, give in, and get rid of my clothes. Who knew one person could have so many synthetic clothes btw?? SHIT.

Goodbye Polyester, how I loved you and your wrinkle free wonderfulness. You shall be missed but HOT DAMN I can't go on forever being the werido B.O. lady. Cuz damn. No. Bye Bye now.

The other strange thing gone awry with my body is closely related, it seems there are only a couple of deodorants on the market now that I'm also not allergic to. My old favorite, Suave Baby Powder produces the same weird chemical B.O. - not a regular B.O. - worse somehow - within seconds of application. I had one HELL of a time during pregnancy finding a deodorant that didn't do this to me but figured after I gave birth the phenomenon would go away.

Yeah no. It's worse now because now that I'm not pregnant the gel that worked while I was pregnant no longer works. Gels don't do shit for perspiring and it's 100 degrees here everyday now so you know, I need some help!

It took about 8 different brands to find one that works and a lot of time being a weird smelly lady during the process. It really sucks balls to have to start a new job and be starting a new friendship when you're going through a strange alien smelly phase. Kinda hard to impress people when you reek ya know? Asshole armpits.

Asshole chemical weird after-pregnancy-weird-shit!!

One cool thing though - my face is much clearer these days. I only have the occasional blemish now compared to the ever constant blemishes of the past. How cool is THAT?

To tell you the truth it's more than a fair trade. Goodbye pimples and goodbye Polyester, may you both rest in peace. There's more but this has been enough TMI for one post and I promise that if we ever meet in real life I'll wear my good deodorant and a nice cotton shirt.

Also, I promise to make my baby wear clothing. And do something with her hair. Cuz damn, baby be busted. Busted but sitting up! Go baby go!

Old but New

2010-06-09T08:46:00.007-05:00

My new Cookware! Hot Damn if I get any more Mexican you're gonna see me sporting a rosary.

I'm referring to the earthenware pot in the front with the lil flowers on it. Chino's been craving for me to cook guisado in one of these for a couple of years now and yesterday we finally bought one. ($3.95!!) When I first moved here I honestly thought they were just for tourists and not actually functional.

Would you believe that the food didn't stick to the bottom? And the lid, the handle didn't get hot! I don't know how any of this is possible but I've got a feeling that earthenware is now my new favorite cooking vessel. I guess a thousand years or so of other people using it could have been a clue that they're pretty rad but lol WHO KNEW.

By the way how does it look juxtaposed in front of my Gramas 1978 Sears and Roebuck Mushroom canisters and my Turtle cookie jar??? We really are fusion-ing things up around here.

I adore those mushroom cookie jars by the way. I remember admiring them in my Gramas house for as long as I can remember and when she passed away I was just crazy to know who was going to take them. After a couple of days of helping my family clean out Gramas house and nobody moving them I finally got up the guts to whisper an inquiry to my Mom as to who would take them. My Mom smiled and took me over to her two sisters and asked them, at which point they all had a damn good laugh and informed me that they were relieved that anybody would want them!

I didn't realize it until just now writing this post that for me they were a big deal because they were from MY childhood but for my Gramas 7 daughters they were just some ugly thing that their Mom bought long after they were moved out of the house. I couldn't understand until just now why they wouldn't want them! They were interested in photos and objects from their childhood, not their Moms later bad taste in kitchen ware.

I felt as if I were receiving a huge treasure and they were just happy they wouldn't have to toss them or sell them. Brave from their response I got up the guts to ask about my Gramas Owl Lamp that also, know one had touched. I think my aunts about peed their pants laughing at this request and were just as thrilled that some crazy family member would take the monstrosity in.

I remember this two foot owl sitting on top of my Gramas gigantor wooden t.v. console and being in awe and half afraid of it as long as I remember the cookie jars. You can't tell in the picture but it's about two feet tall and the eyes and everywhere in the feathers that you see orange actually light up when you flick the switch and turn on the lamp. Bad. Ass.

Could there be a more hideous lamp on earth, I'm not sure, but I love it anyways. I love it because of the memories and I love it because I've always been a fan of misfits. My Grama loved it because her daughter made it for her in ceramics class and she had gaudy taste.

I keep it outside in our yard to freak out the neighbors and make them think I'm a witch or just a tad loony but would you know though that since we've moved here I've had not one but two inquiries into it from neighbors asking if I'd be willing to sell it?

....???..... LOL!!

It's nice to know that my Gramas taste did fit in somewhere in the world, just not where she lived.

Anyhoo I started this post to write about my new pot and here I've ended up. The earthenware pot really IS awesome and and it's a neat addition of old and new all in one. Here in Mexico more than ever I appreciate things with roots.

(p.s. really goofy might-not-make-sense-but-might guisado recipe in my comments section - share a better one if you've got it!)

For the Love of Potatoes

2010-06-08T06:53:00.001-05:00

We might have corrupt police and funky water but it's not all bad. Case in point - these bitches to the right - HAM FLAVORED POTATO CHIPS.

LOL Betch ya don't got those back home!

Hammy goodness in a crispy chip - and I'd know - I tried them yesterday and honestly, they TASTE LIKE HAM.

HAM!!!!

I wonder how they'd go with a bologna and avacado sandwhich? Perhaps it would be too much of a clash of meats?

You realize, if they make a bologna chip, I'll die. Just sayin'

(p.s. how is the picture of a raw pork leg on the front not creepy as hell? Ew.)

More Fun With Police

2010-06-06T01:29:00.006-05:00

I'm really jazzed up by the comments from last post *insert jazz hands if you wish* and I've got more to tell. It's fun and sort of a relief to finally share this stuff!

Ok, here's one of the crazier stories from a couple of months ago. Chino went off to the recycling center to hand in a bunch of coke cans and on the way there a traffic officer who was standing out on the corner of the street suddenly stepped IN to the street and in front of Chino's moving vehicle. Chino slammed his brakes and swerved to avoid lambasting this guy and then the officer waved at him to pull over. He read Chino a big riot act about how he was going to have to take him to jail for nearly killing a police officer and that it was all Chino's fault and many horrible things were going to happen to him. Chino tried to argue that the it was the officers fault and much arguing later came to the inevitable compromise of Chino giving the man some peso's "for the cokes" and heading on about his way.

When he arrived shaken at the recycling center and relayed what happened they laughed at him and said that that officer stands there all day every day doing the same exact thing to passers by. I know it's wrong, but I hope one of these days he really does get hit. Just a wee bit, not to kill or anything..... just you know.... a good wallop.

MATHILDE in Puerto Vallarta mentioned in the comments section of the last post that she's brave enough to refuse to pay the officers and make them take her to the actual station for a real ticket. We're too afraid to do that - especially with me, an American in the car. We've heard many stories about how if they think you or your family have money they'll "hold" you (i.e. kidnap) and try and scare you into taking out as much as you can from your ATM card or even making your family wire money. One man I know paid 2,000.00 USD to get out and that's something we're to scared to risk.

Chino was super pissed on night when an officer pulled us over for running a light (falsely, we were in the green) After arguing and much voice raising and chest puffing he officer told Chino that he should just pay him because otherwise the fine would be 400 dollars if we went to the station and if we didn't have the money that they would take our car away from us. Chino called the officers bluff and for the first time it backfired and the officer called CHINOs bluff back! (shit!) He told us we would have to follow him to the station but he warned first "Do you really want your pregnant wife walking home?" Chino was sooooo pissed (CHISPAS!) and didn't care at this point so off we went.

After about 1/4 of a mile of following the officer to the station he pulled over again in a grocery store lot and made Chino talk to him some more. He said "You're real brave, you must think you're really something to have the balls to go to the station." Chino told the man that he didn't HAVE 200 pesos to pay him and that he didn't have a choice but to go to the station. Thankfully the officer finally gave up and told Chino just to empty his pockets and give him everything he had and that would be fine. I think he ended up with about 86 pesos in change. Chino DID have the 200 pesos - he actually had our rent money in his wallet (2,500 pesos) but was smart enough to leave the wallet with me. (By the way, I was SOOO shitting my pants during this ordeal but Chino said he knew the whole time that the officer wouldn't go through with it.)

It's like a ritual that you have to carry out, it reminds me of some elaborate dance and sometimes it gets pretty elaborate. There's the arguing, the threatening, the excuses and finally the bargaining (we always bargain them down) and finally payment and telling each other to have a good day.

On Mexican Time mentioned that she was surprised that they pull us over (I think it's been about 12 times since we've lived here) sometimes without reason. They always say that they're just doing a random check to see if you have all of your paperwork in order or they'll come up with something silly like maybe your license sticker isn't in the right spot or your license plate is crooked. So yes, it really does happen and here it's actually not directed to tourists but to everyday citizens. Here on the border anyone with a vehicle is considered to have money and therefore is a target.

Anyhoo, it doesn't freak me out anymore but is sure has been fun to share it with you all! It's nice to be able to share what happens here and hear that it's not just us, and be reminded that the some of the Americans that don't know what it's like here find it shocking. I remember when I used to be shocked. LOL those days are long gone.